Saturday, May 14, 2016

Money is Power - is it or isn't it?

It’s been awhile since the last post. When I stop writing it’s difficult to get back into the habit and I have no idea if this one will result in a surge of ideas resulting in subsequent posts. But at least it’s a start.  The other day I received an email from a friend. Our conversations have moved from one topic to another over the months but in this most recent email the comment was made “money is power” and my friend asked if my views on giving up financial control to Katie is something I still feel good about.

Apparently his wife is taking control of their finances and the adjustment has been just that – an adjustment.  It’s hard for me to remember how I felt back then when Katie assumed control.  If I recall correctly, it was something I welcomed. I welcomed it because I came from a marriage where I controlled the money but was married to a woman who loved using the plastic regardless of the modest income we generated. I hated that damn card. I hated always being behind the eight-ball and the feeling of never being able to stay ahead. I hated having to tell my children ‘no’ when they asked to do this or that because I knew of the financial implications and the need to try to stay ahead of the next bill. I hated everything about money.

So when Katie wanted control I willingly gave it up.  That’s my background b to get to the question posed in the email: is money power? I think the answer is both yes and no. It’s a no because Katie has to pay the bills. Sure, she knows the balance in our checking and savings and I don’t. She knows if we are staying in the black and if our safety margin between black and red is growing or shrinking. That might be power but it’s also responsibility and for some it may be stressful as it did for me. Personally I’m glad to be free or that responsibility. But money is power in that Katie can buy what she wants, when she wants. I don’t have that freedom. In our home she usually tells me what she purchased but does so more after the fact than before. That’s the power. That’s the freedom she enjoys.

On the flip side, not having that freedom is what I asked for when I asked to submit. I wanted to remain dependent. I wanted to not have so many choices. I wanted to give up, let go, and put my trust in her. I wanted all of that because I came to realize by doing so it would promote closeness. I crave closeness and do so through my submission. It’s what I can’t seem to get enough of. It’s the mysterious paradox of the dominant/submissive relationship that makes no sense to those that live with equal power.  But remember, the primary reason I wanted to submit was to draw me closer to Katie and in the area of finances I knew that having money meant having control. I find myself resisting control. I want to let go a whole lot more than I want to grasp on and keep for my own because I understand the consequences of that choice.

The peace I experienced by letting go took place because my heart was in a place to let go. I think my friend’s heart isn’t quite in that same place. I’m making assumptions but I suspect he is being forced to give up and being forced to live without while his heart isn’t quite ready to go there and fully trust in his spouse and her decisions.

For the mistresses of the world reading this, there is responsibility in having those freedoms. In the financial realm there is the responsibility to live within ones’ means. Our homes are not like the government. We reap the painful consequences of poor financial choices a whole lot sooner than governments (although in the end there is no joy by going further into debt). Just because you have control doesn’t mean the wallet won’t eventually run dry. And in that respect, even mistresses have to submit to the hard realities of life. Mistresses submitting, mmmm, now there is a thought to ponder!

Am I glad I let go? You better believe it. Do I have second thoughts? Sometimes. Of course there are times when I wish I could get this, or do that, or go there, but I understand the momentary satisfaction of making that purchase risks me losing the greater good of living dependently on her. For me, there is no better place to be because to remain needy equates to remaining intimately close. And that is what I want more than anything else – intimacy.


I’m Hers 

21 comments:

  1. I was reading the article below today in the NY Times and wondered if the couple might be an FLR couple. But I also thought the groom sounds borderline bi-sexual or in the closet-gay and that one day the bride will find out he's been having secret sex with men. I hope not - hope he's just a supportive, feminist guy who might even hand over the check book to his wife. I'd be interested in hearing comments from you and from your readers, male and female.

    http://im-hers.blogspot.dk/2016/05/money-is-power-is-it-or-isnt-it.html#comment-form

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    1. I read the article. I think the groom sounds like the supportive type and these two simply are two people in love who have a feminist bent. Thanks for sharing the link!

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  2. Here's the correct NY Times link:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/15/fashion/weddings/a-feminist-romance-but-not-a-radical-one.html?action=click&contentCollection=Fashion%20%26%20Style&pgtype=imageslideshow&module=RelatedArticleList&region=SlideShowTopBar&version=EndSlate

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  3. In our life, my wife has much the same control of our money as you express of Katie. I retired early a few years ago and my retirement check goes into our joint account along with our ranch income (which she is the manager). DL has control of our finances to the extent that I ask her before I spent, She spends as she sees fit, only consulting me on large purchases. I have full confidence in her as she is an excellent manager.
    That said, do I believe "money is power"? The answer is that I believe her control of our money is another show of her control. Her "knowledge is power"
    Another good post, IH. It is good to be made to think.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by. "Knowledge is power". I'll need to think about that one for awhile :). Trying to make the connection within a WLM framework.

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    2. Our arrangement, even before marriage, is similar to DLsKnight’s “I ask her before I spent, She spends as she sees fit, only consulting me on large purchases.” Now this blog entries made me think back why we did it that way. We never even talked about it. I just gave her the checkbook and credit cards and that was it. My wife just took them as a matter of course. I guess we trusted each other enough no word was needed. I don’t ask permission for every single purchases though. My wife finds it annoying if I have to ask for necessities such as kids’ school supplies, gas, or groceries.

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    3. IH,
      "Trying to make the connection within a WLM framework"
      I believe that her knowledge and the use of that knowledge is power. She easily uses her knowledge of my wants, desires, and needs to keep me where she knows I want to be while at the same time keeping me where she wants. Often knowing me better than I think I know myself.
      Maybe I helped clear that , then again I am known to muddy things.

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    4. Her Subject,
      I should maybe say that I don't so much ask permission but rather let her know before I spend.
      As in: "I need a tractor part"
      "I need a haircut"
      That is our way of me letting her know what I need to purchase and where I need to go. This is normally done by text and if I don't get a reply I don't go or spend unless it is really necessary.

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    5. DLsKnight..... You did clear that up because 'the knowledge is power' could mean that the smarter one is, the more power they have. But in the case of a D/s WLM relationship, how bright the husband is should have no bearing on the power he welds. I like the way your wife uses the knowledge she has ABOUT you to help rule you in a way that both expresses love and dominance. Thanks!

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  4. No money is disempowering because you end up with few options and a certain desperation.

    If I were in the "Dom" position, I would want the sub to do the repetitive duties of actually making the bill payments. I understand that in sub mode, one does want to just do what one is told and not have to weigh up options. Paying bills should be just that. Turn the handle make the payment. I would see the Dom's role to ensure there is enough money or if there is a cash flow issue, to direct the sub which bills to pay.

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    1. submanhub, I agree.... No $ is disempowering. It also increases dependence, trust, respect and a whole lot of other things. It's one of the ways a woman can 'force' her husband to place his trust in her. Thanks for sharing.

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  5. I think money is power but in a WLM it is more about trust, control and management of money.My wife gives me an allowance that I can spend pretty much as I please "a lot of fishing stuff this time of the year" and I do get to keep my bonus at the end of the year but she does decide how I spend it.My wife is very good at managing our money and has done an awesome job at setting up are retirement with it.We all have are strong points and one of hers is managing our finances.We always discuss our decisions and I always support her final choice.RR

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    1. RR, My Katie and your wife are similar. They both have financial/accounting gifts. For us, it's why she chooses to manage the funds rather than to do it JTs way (see below). Each couple is different and so each home is run differently. Hope you're catching lots of fish! Stock up on those omega 3's while you can :)

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  6. Great Post as usual sir! So I'm new at ttwd. Queen J. and I are still mutually involved in our finances but I'm fairly certain the purse strings will eventually be controlled by her. I've read a lot of blog entries from various bloggers over the past couple of years. There's one question that has entered my mind every time I read a post concerning this subject matter and I'm hoping you might be able to take a moment and respond to my querry. How do you handle having money available for gift giving? I'm quite certain you want to do some special things for the amazing woman in your life and with a small allowance that obviously can't happen. What do you do on Christmas, Birthdays and other special occasions?

    Thanks,

    sublove

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    1. Sublove,
      I have unlimited use of the credit card when it comes to Christmas and her birthday. However she has never given me extra $ to use to do special things during the year. Instead I 'make suggestions' for her to agree to or negate. She loves me coming to her and saying, would you like to go out to eat tonight? .... or can I get this for you? etc. Given the small token I get, I will sometimes use it all to purchase several cards, or make up cards, etc and leave them here or there. She loves getting them. Just some thoughts.

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    2. Sublove,
      I have a small part time business and the profit from the business is my allowance so to speak. She is aware of the money spent on my business but does not control it as it is business. The profit is used to fund things she allows me (hunting, my motorcycles, etc.) and to buy gifts for her through out the year. Even with "my money" I let her know before I spend on myself.

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  7. "It’s been awhile since the last post."
    Thats OK. Post when you feel the motivation. All I ask is DO NOT stop. As one of your long time readers, I do not know if you realize how much impact you have had on some of our relationships.

    So, having said that, Money, Power? Most definetely. Living this way is not so new for us anymore and time has allowed us to realize there are many different levels that we can do this on. We always were on the tame side and are maybe even more so now. Evolution is not always headed in the same direction. I do not believe we would ever have participated in any of the edgier sides of flr, but we have enjoyed some of the sweeter sides. Now.

    The money, power thing did help allow us to get where we are. I always did all of the major financial planning prior to the change (when I used to be a jerk) and it worked, moneywise. When I asked for her help in the change, I said I did not want to burden her with the minutia of the bills (nor did she) so we more or less did the "Turn the handle, make the payment" method that submanhub described. I gather up all the info, process it, and put it in a simple monthly Quicken prinout. After each payperiod auto deposit of money into her account we sit at the kitchen table and discuss what we need or want for the payperiod and she transfers it into our joint account on her smartphone for me to work with. We always have what we need to pay the bills and I have what she wants. This way she is never bothered for all the little annoyances, but does control the flow for the extras. What happens in her account with what is left is not my business. It has never been demeaning, but has helped her gain confidence to be decisive in other areas and has forced me to realize where the control is. There is not much I can do about it without rocking the boat.
    For us, it is where the reality part started......that it is all about her. JT

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    1. JT, love hearing how others 'do finances'. Thanks for sharing the method the two of you feel comfi with. Always good to hear from you :)

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  8. Reading your blog with the comments always makes me feel good. There is something very sweeet about men exchanging ideas, talking with one another about love, relationships, and how their wives manage to control them. Why is then that when men together in real life all they want to do is talk about sports? Hope this comment doesn't interrupt the flow of the conversation, but it is something to think about.

    The first problem with giving husbands control over money is that they tend to get in trouble with it. It also gives them a certain sense of power which is not healthy or productive in a femdom marriage. I suspect that many high school students have more control over money than does my husband. A responsibility that comes with being a mistress wife is knowing what is good for a man and what is not. By controlling the money you can control not only what he buys, but what he does. To a degree by controlling the money you also control whom he does things with. When a husband needs to ask for money for a outing you get to ask whom he is going with. And, the difficult thing for women is the idea that men really want to be in a position of needing to ask. Men love the idea of meekly siting at the dinner table as the wife pays the check.

    Love, Kathy

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    1. Welcome Ms Kathy! I think the answer to your "why do guys talk about good stuff here and sports when together probably has more to do with the setting than anything else. I'm sure if we were all gathered together and felt comfortable and knew we were all submissive guys we'd talk about more than sports, weather, hunting and cars.

      But to your comment about $. I agree. Money does limit. And as you alluded, money forces a man to open up and ask the harder questions - the 'may I' questions. - the 'do you thin it would be ok if' questions. That not only makes him open up but it allows him and her to relate on a more personable/vulnerable level should she probe and he reveal his thoughts. All of that is, of course, beneficial to the relationship in ways that go far beyond the actual 'may I spend $ on this or that.

      Sorry to cut you off but I need to get back to watching the basketball game :)

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  9. There's nothing wrong with an arrangement where you agree who makes the financial decisions and that you have to ask for permission to access funds. That being said, I would make sure that you actually have access to your accounts (i.e., you are a named account holder with full banking privileges) and do not make her the sole account holder. If the relationship ever goes south, you could find yourself trapped in a very bad situation with no access to money and no way out.

    When one person gets that much power, it invites abuse.

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