Saturday, May 28, 2016

Thoughts on Intimacy

I read something which led me to the internet in search of the source. I found what I was looking for but as I continued to read I saw more from that same source. It spoke to me and I hope it speaks to you as well. Her's what caught my attention:

“Our greatest emotional need is for intimacy. Beyond the primary needs for food, water, sleep, and air to breathe, intimacy is the greatest need of the human person.

Life is a self-revelation. Life expands in direct proportion to our ability to reveal ourselves to others and to the world around us. Yet most people spend most of their lives hiding their true selves and pretending they are somebody that they are not.

We want intimacy. We need intimacy. But we are afraid. We are desperately afraid that if people really knew who we are and what we are capable of, they would reject us. As a result, our fear of rejection (driven by our need for acceptance) and out of need for intimacy are constantly at odds with each other.
All relationships can be measured by our ability to share ourselves with others. We must press beyond the clich├ęs of our common conversation and the facts of our daily lives. If we are to reveal ourselves and enjoy intimacy we must learn to share and discuss our opinions, our hopes and dreams, our deepest feelings, our legitimate needs, and our fears, faults, and failures. The more two people are able to share and accept without judgment, the more intimacy they will enjoy.

Intimacy is measured by self-revelation. The more you share yourself with others the more intimacy you will have. The more you hide yourself from others the shallower your relationships will be.”

…………………………………………..

The previous post contained an admission of frustrations and feelings I had been feeling for much of the late winter/early spring season. I aired those feelings in a post (but out of guilt, never put that post up until last week and did so for reasons separate from my initial intention). As I noted last week posting thoughts and feelings publicly that were meant only for Katie wasn't the best way to go about forcing a discussion.  What I needed to do was to follow the advice stated above. I needed to allow myself to become vulnerable. I needed to open my heart to Katie in a personal way. I needed to let HER know how I really felt. I needed to risk rejection. I needed to get things off my chest; I needed to open my heart; I needed to share openly and  honestly.

What I did instead was internalize my feelings. I kept things hidden from my wife. Given the advantage of time and space I can see now there was no way things would ever have ever changed given that path. How was Katie to ever know what I was thinking? She may not have even been aware that I was different because the ‘difference’ was taking place in my mind and heart. The 'difference' revealed itself by me not doing the things I mentioned in that last post – cleaning the cat litter, straightening the bathroom, planning meals, etc. Yes, Katie may have known something was going on but it was my fear that was forcing the issue and placing it on her to address. My hope was she’d sit me down and ask. The question I ask myself now though was why was I so afraid to sit her down instead of hoping she'd do the same?

The reason had to do with my fear of rejection and that fear created an ever larger wedge into the intimacy we shared.  I wasn’t able to love her the way I knew I wanted and she probably was wondering why she couldn’t emotionally connect with her husband the way she usually could.

I know this. I’ve been down this road before. I don’t like rejection. I fear it. What I fail to remember is the depth of Katie’s love for me. She’d never reject me, never. Yet my insecurity rears its head every now and again.

I’m writing about me, but I’m writing about you too. I’m sure there are times when you struggle to muster up the courage to talk with your wife about this or that. I’m sure there are things you wish you could do or try but struggle to talk with her because you’re afraid she will say no. I’m sure you wish you could go do things with friends but hesitate to ask your mistress because she thinks your plans are not the best.  For those of you that struggle with openness and honesty, I hope you can see the only way to bridge the gap from an ok love relationship to a fantastic one is to bare your soul.

I’m Hers

12 comments:

  1. True intimacy can't exist without the ability to let go of the fear of rejection. That's where another vital word comes into play: TRUST. The only way to have a chance to get rid of that fear of rejection is for a couple to have so much trust in each other that there is no fear that what is being said will result in rejection. Disagreement is fine and probably inevitable, but rejection must be off the table, or there can be no truthful examination of intimate feelings.

    It's not easy to reach such a state, to be sure, and the following paragraph is so contradictory that it seems you're really unsure of things:

    "I know this. I’ve been down this road before. I don’t like rejection. I fear it. What I fail to remember is the depth of Katie’s love for me. She’d never reject me, never. Yet my insecurity rears its head every now and again."

    You say you fear rejection. You say Katie would never reject you. Then you say that your insecurity in this matter rears its head. That hardly smacks of any certainty on your part, nor any trust that she won't reject you. I suspect that's what's keeping you frustrated and preventing a conversation that you fear may lead to something unpleasant.

    My husband and I have specific times when we converse with each other (usually once a month for as long as it takes), with the understanding that whatever is said during this conversation should have no reprisals. Happily, we can pull this off because of the deep level of trust we've developed, and even though he's my sub, and sometimes slave, all of that is thrown out the window for the duration of this conversation. It might help you and Katie to develop such a regular period of time for just such a conversation. No holds barred, and no fear of reprisals or rejection. Just two loving people discussing things - any things - and learning more about each other. Take my word for it, it often works wonders.

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    1. Lady Grey,
      I always appreciate your perspective and again, you spoke to me. This time quite pointedly. I need to resolve to put the fear of being told 'no' aside and speak from my heart when I have a need to voice a heart-felt need or thought. I don't know that we will ever have those sit-down conversations on a regular basis but even if we don't it is up to me to trust. I need to try this. I really do. Life is too short to let things like real vulnerability/trust slip by. Thank you!!! And I mean that.

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  2. I would think that fear of that kind of openness would be a real problem in an FLR since one partner holds so much power over the other. I would definitely stuff my feelings too.

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    1. It does create a real dilemma my friend. It's what Lady Grey mentioned (see above). But the fact that Katie does hold so much power forces me to rely on her. However I still hide some thoughts because she just doesn't take the time to probe and find out my deep inner thoughts. I need to push the fear I have aside and give my self up fully. I haven't done that yet and I need to. I must, in fact.

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  3. I too ponder this. It is intimacy that I crave. I regret though sharing my thoughts & feelings with my wife though. My kink vs her vanilla. It seems to have pushed her aside.

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    1. submanhub, I am sorry to hear that. Maybe there is a middle ground. Maybe you need to open up as I must do to let her see the deep need you have for submission. Promise yourself you will explore this. She has needs. You have needs. You need to meet hers and she needs to meet yours. I need to meet Katie's and she mine. I wish you well, although I don't have the answer for which you are searching. I wish I did.

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  4. I apologize for chiming in without reading the posts in reference.

    Loving someone requires a lot of strength. Rejection hurts but it's a weaker obstacle than loving freely.

    It's not sexy to look at love and fear as a risk vs. reward, but I believe that the benefits of trusting and loving without restraint will always outweigh the hurt of rejection. I think this is true for both vanilla and Femdom relationships.

    If holding back due to fear spoils any (potential) joy from what could have been, I don't support that choice. To charge in, knowing the risks and taking them anyways, I believe that is part of the strength of submission. That is what you can offer and others cannot. I believe that intimacy is the result of the one you love accepting these actions.

    That being said, I am frequently hurt. I have faith that I'll heal. That reason keeps me trying.

    Showing deep love isn't always a positive experience. Discussing problems is a way of saying "I care enough enough about our future to do something unpleasant now."

    It's not always accepted openly, but it may lead to positive changes down the road.

    I agree with Lady Grey's assessment about trust. My description is a way to press on when fear or insecurity manages to creep its way in. Have faith in your ability to heal.

    I say this even after being rejected and the relationship terminated for loving too openly early on. I never gave up.

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    1. fur sissy, I appreciate you sharing. Some of what you shared I don't fully understand because I am not familiar with your background/relationships etc, but I do agree that living true to oneself (which is what I believe was the gist of your post) is always the better option than hiding behind something because one is afraid.

      What you and Lady Grey both stated is what I must do - press on - push ahead - not hold back - deal with whatever fallout may come - and then - press on, even still. I will try. I must try. I sense an urgency to do so. Thank you for sharing but you really must take the time to read the post. You can't be THAT busy :)

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    2. Hello there and thank you for the response. I actually did read that post but had forgotten I read it when I typed my comments. I've been a lifestyle submissive for 12 years now with many ups and downs over the years. I can very much relate for the need for a "recharge" every so often to keep submission exciting and the relationship flowing in a happy and healthy way.

      You are correct in the jist of my comments. When things are looking down, always press on with an open heart and love in your thoughts. It may not always be pleasant and may hurt sometimes but believe in yourself and your ability to bounce back if things don't pan out quite as you had hoped.

      It's good to meet you. I took a break from blogging for roughly 4 years but I'm back with a vengeance and trying to catch back up with things. I found my way here through links from many orher blogs I follow.

      As long as your feelings are rooted in love, continued efforts always seem to work out.

      Hang in there.

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  5. Very powerful article, my friend! Seeking intimacy with your soulmate is a worthwhile effort. I know you will proceed with love, determination and a full commitment to serving your beautiful Miss Katie with everything you have!

    Scott

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    1. My friend Scott!!!! You dropped off the face of the earth for awhile there. I'm glad to see you are still around. Thought I might have offended you or that your lovely wife put a stop to your time on the web. In any event, I hope you are well and as to your question..... the point to the article is quite powerful. I'm trying to be vulnerable and open.

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  6. Yes, I'm doing great. So sorry to disappear like that, I'm Her's. The beautiful Mistress and I just got very busy and I'm afraid I got out of the habit of checking in on the blogs.

    This topic is a near and dear to my heart because Donna was hesitant to get into any kind of routine of teasing, touching or tormenting me, and I often headed toward a cliff without those expressions of her dominance over me. No matter how much I tried to tough it out, Donna could notice a change in my behavior.

    She was kind enough to listen when I told her that I crave those signs of her authority because of the intimacy they added to our marriage. I've worked extra hard cherishing, adoring, loving and serving her, and Donna has been treating me in ways that keep my engines running full-speed ahead. It's taken a while to get here, but, the intimacy that comes with our newfound understanding and appreciation of each other is hard to describe.

    Scott

    Scott

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