Wednesday, June 22, 2016

A Separation of Wife and Husband

I made the point in the last post regarding qualities I consider a woman should have if leading a WLM. One such trait was my belief that she should separate herself in some way from the man to whom she is responsible. My rationale for this is because I believe it is important for her to present herself as being more important, of a higher status, above him, superior, etc. since she is the marital authority figure.

It is my contention that by doing so she will maintain a greater (or complete) level of authority, exert more influence over him, and control him as the matriarchal leader to which he depends on for guidance. Separating herself will also fortify control by making sure her husband remains obedient and compliant to her wishes.  I suggested the analogy of a teacher and how she relates to her students. One is in charge while the other follows.  The same can be said for a parent/child or employer/employee, coach/athlete, and other similar relationship paring. In each situation one party subjects itself to the other. In each of these relations, if they remain healthy, there is no formation of animosity. In fact, the exact opposite occurs. The child loves his parent; the coach and teacher make indelible impressions on their athletes and students that last a life time. If this hierarchy is not maintained, the relationship will falter. From an athletic perspective, it is why it is so difficult to be a player-coach. That fine line is almost impossible to walk effectively.

A frequent commenter to this blog made a comment that “it would be sad to allow our wives to feel lonely and disconnected while they assume the burden of leadership”. I concur. What woman wants to remain married to a man that is emotionally distant from her. What good is it to enjoy the privileges of less work, more freedom, have a husband who remains at her beckon but is unable to connect with him at a deep and intimate level? After all, isn’t marriage about relationship at its very core? 

Since writing the post last week and thinking about the above comment I’ve observed how Katie has led me. Because I’ve been at home last week I’ve been with her continuously.  I’ve never felt emotionally closer and yet she has maintained her control by telling me what she wants simply by making statements that have been devoid of negative emotion. “Go get the mail.” “The trash needs to go out.” “I’m hungry; it’s time to make breakfast.” “Put this in your calendar.” “I want to leave by 4:10; make sure you are ready by then.” “It’s time to stop. Let’s quit.” “Call the mechanic tomorrow morning.”  Pointing to a plant in the yard: “That plant needs water. Lying together in bed: “Put on some lubricant.” “I’ll need to get up at 7 and I’ll be leaving by 8. I want breakfast before I go.”

I could go on and on but the gist of the above examples point out that I’m led not by coercion but by her stating her mind. Of course, this dynamic only works if I take her commands seriously. Otherwise she is forced to ask again (which she has to do sometimes) or discipline (which she simply doesn’t do and because I don’t intentionally ignore her).  However, stating clearly what she wants and expects, in a straightforward way, as one might instruct a child – (go clean your room. Go make your bed. Let’s go. It’s time to leave, etc.,) she has been able to effectively get me to do what she wants without emotionally pushing me away.

Leading doesn’t need to be difficult. At least in this respect, all the woman needs to do is verbalize her thoughts clearly. My suggestion is she do so in a declarative statement rather than in question form. “It’s time for you to make me breakfast” is a better choice than “aren’t you hungry?” The latter question begs another question …. “Are you trying to tell me you want me to make you breakfast?” Ladies, why complicate things. Just tell him what you want. If you want him to take a shower, tell him. If you want him to let out the dog, tell him. And if he doesn’t move, get his attention and then tell him again. Use the word ‘now’ so he knows you are serious.

I believe there needs to be a separation between dominant and submissive. It’s part of the relational dynamic. How can the wife be viewed as the one in command if her spouse views her as one of the gang. She isn’t one of the gang. She is his wife and his Mistress-Wife at that. The couple may not want to view things like this but she is the more important party from a status perspective. That doesn’t lessen who he is. He is just as important, but in a different way. His role is to serve. Her role is to lead. 

The trick she needs to successfully negotiate is controlling/ruling/leading him without damaging his emotional ego. She needs to lead without alienating herself from her mate. And that can be easily done. I mean what guy doesn’t respond to her showing him a little casual sex every now and again. What I mean is, “Go mow the yard,” and squeeze his butt while saying “Mmmm, I love your butt.” (He’ll go mow the yard and think about that one comment for the next 45 minutes!) Of course you could squeeze other parts too (and he’ll think about that even longer) but you get the intent of what I’m saying.  Giving him an appreciative thank you every now and again or telling him how much you enjoy all he does for you, giving him a nice long kiss, touching or fondling him are simple quick and effective ways of letting him know you love him and care about him. One of Katie’s favorite tricks when I come behind and give her a hug is for her to press her sweet bottom into my groin and wiggle it. I love it!!!! Remember, we boys have a very fragile ego. We need to be handled with care :) That little wiggle strokes my ego perfectly.

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By no means am I the authority on this. I had to give this comment additional thought and would appreciate your thoughts and insights as well.


I’m Hers

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Leadership

Female LED Relationship. Wife LED Marriage. The keywords here are gender, role and depth of relationship. For a woman to successfully have the life she wants and mold her man into the guy she only dreamed might be possible requires her to assume the role as leader in the home. Success, happiness and contentment in relationships don’t come without work by both parties. In a female led relationship it only comes when he follows her lead.  It means she has to lead. She just cant’ assume that because he’s submitting that she doesn't have to change. She has to change to but in ways that are far different from him.

In the case of a female led home, the very words imply she is in charge and he isn’t. But just because someone has decided “we are going to be engaged in a female-led-relationship” or “I want to submit to you” doesn’t equate with her being a good leader nor him being the follower she wants. She needs to exhibit certain qualities. Here are some that I, as a submissive, believe are important ones:

(1) She needs convey authority. There should be no if, ands, or buts as to who is running the show, who is in charge, who makes the decisions, and who goes to who when asking for permission, etc. The rub comes when ‘he’ decides to buck the system and in those situations she needs to somehow assert her authority, reminding him that doing whatever he just did, isn’t his call to make.

Authority within a female led relationship is an odd dynamic.  Over the past weeks I’ve read from Mistress Kaylee who commented how her increasing authority draws her husband into an even more submissive state. Several men have recently commented the need they have their wives be more firm then they have been. Cathy commented in a recent post various ways to quell alpha moments. Sandra commented in that post how she addresses those times when her husband wants to assert himself. She provided examples, all of which provide visual demonstrations of who was in charge and who must submit to who. I continually remind Katie that asserting her authority is an expression of love to me at its deepest level. I love it as it pulls me to her in ways nothing else can.

Men need a strong leader. Telling your husband, “do you think it’s time to get dinner ready” conveys something different than saying “it’s time for you to make me dinner.” There needn’t be meanness in your words but there needs to be a conveyance of your authority and his need to obey.

(2) She needs to separate himself from him in some way.  One of the things I always kept in mind while teaching was that even though I wanted to connect with my students, I didn’t want to become too close to them. I wasn’t their friend (even though I came to love and respect them over the years). My role was to instruct them, to help them, to lead them to gain the expertise they needed to enter their chosen profession.  To do that required me to sometimes do things to remind them that I was in charge. I failed them on tests and quizzes if they didn’t measure up. I corrected them when they didn’t do something properly. I corrected them when I thought they could have made a better choice. By separating myself in these ways they understood I wasn’t a peer, but they could come to me for help and advice.  As a female leader, the wife needs to do the same, but do so in such a way that lets her husband know without question, he is deeply loved and cherished. I think that is a difficult road to tow but a necessary one.

(3) She needs to have a vision as to what she wants for both herself and for her man. This might mean her giving him things to do or telling him of things he won’t be doing from now on. In my situation it meant me becoming the cook. It also meant I wouldn’t be going hunting anymore. Sometimes it means me giving up things I might enjoy in lieu of her wants. It’s part of the deal. Katie has her reasons and I understand that.

Vision implies what kind of man she wants her husband to become, not just today but in the future. Reaching, or failing to reach that goal probably depends on how much/little authority she maintains. Vision requires having a plan. What I have learned as Katie’s submissive is that I do more time consuming things like cooking, cleaning and completing the various chores she has me do around the house. However it’s up to her to come up with the plan for the day, for the week, for us, for me. She is the one who must assess if I am doing what she wants and doing it the way she wants. Although she doesn’t need to do the actual work, she needs to make sure its done properly.

Leaders spend time in meetings. Workers execute whatever comes out of those meetings. It’s why we sometimes refer to a leader as a white-collar and workers as a blue-collar. One thinks and plans, the other follows the will of the other. Both must work but their work should be different. I recently read a post on the Conquer Him website on the #1 reason women ruin female led relationships. Her take was women cave to the man; they are too easy. Women feel sorry for the guy. I would agree. It goes back to being a leader. It goes back to separating oneself from the husband in the same way a teacher must separate himself from a student or a parent from a child. It goes back to a mindset that you are "above" him. Yes, you are more important. He is inferior (in some respects). As a result you just can't bear his load. You can't let him slack off. You have to stay on  course. Why? Why? Because if you don't it undermines your ultimate goal of maintaining your leadership and keeping him in check. To cave is to show weak leadership traits.

(4) She needs to have a plan for when he acts up. No man is perfect – not even me! :) Men rebel. Men slack off. Men cut corners. Men assert themselves in ways they shouldn’t. All such actions are displays (some more overt than others) of his unwillingness to fully submit.  When he does go off the track, what should a leader do? If a student starts challenging the teacher, what should the teacher do? If an employee stops doing everything and only does 80% what should the boss do? If your husband no longer keeps the kitchen spotless or leaves things hanging around the house that should be put away, what should you do? If he dallies when you tell him to do something rather than doing it immediately, what is your response? You need to have a plan and that plan should have the goal to stop the unwanted behavior.  Some call this discipline and in a way it is. Some might call it behavior modification and it is that too. 

The goal is obedience. The goal is obedience with an attitude of knowing you are in charge. Trust me ladies, your man wants to know you are in charge. He craves seeing and feeling your authority. Don’t be afraid to lead. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down. Don’t be afraid to take real charge of your man. If you do you will speak his love language and he will yield to your will. I can promise that. If you aren’t sure, just try it and see what happens. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

I’m Hers