Wednesday, June 22, 2016

A Separation of Wife and Husband

I made the point in the last post regarding qualities I consider a woman should have if leading a WLM. One such trait was my belief that she should separate herself in some way from the man to whom she is responsible. My rationale for this is because I believe it is important for her to present herself as being more important, of a higher status, above him, superior, etc. since she is the marital authority figure.

It is my contention that by doing so she will maintain a greater (or complete) level of authority, exert more influence over him, and control him as the matriarchal leader to which he depends on for guidance. Separating herself will also fortify control by making sure her husband remains obedient and compliant to her wishes.  I suggested the analogy of a teacher and how she relates to her students. One is in charge while the other follows.  The same can be said for a parent/child or employer/employee, coach/athlete, and other similar relationship paring. In each situation one party subjects itself to the other. In each of these relations, if they remain healthy, there is no formation of animosity. In fact, the exact opposite occurs. The child loves his parent; the coach and teacher make indelible impressions on their athletes and students that last a life time. If this hierarchy is not maintained, the relationship will falter. From an athletic perspective, it is why it is so difficult to be a player-coach. That fine line is almost impossible to walk effectively.

A frequent commenter to this blog made a comment that “it would be sad to allow our wives to feel lonely and disconnected while they assume the burden of leadership”. I concur. What woman wants to remain married to a man that is emotionally distant from her. What good is it to enjoy the privileges of less work, more freedom, have a husband who remains at her beckon but is unable to connect with him at a deep and intimate level? After all, isn’t marriage about relationship at its very core? 

Since writing the post last week and thinking about the above comment I’ve observed how Katie has led me. Because I’ve been at home last week I’ve been with her continuously.  I’ve never felt emotionally closer and yet she has maintained her control by telling me what she wants simply by making statements that have been devoid of negative emotion. “Go get the mail.” “The trash needs to go out.” “I’m hungry; it’s time to make breakfast.” “Put this in your calendar.” “I want to leave by 4:10; make sure you are ready by then.” “It’s time to stop. Let’s quit.” “Call the mechanic tomorrow morning.”  Pointing to a plant in the yard: “That plant needs water. Lying together in bed: “Put on some lubricant.” “I’ll need to get up at 7 and I’ll be leaving by 8. I want breakfast before I go.”

I could go on and on but the gist of the above examples point out that I’m led not by coercion but by her stating her mind. Of course, this dynamic only works if I take her commands seriously. Otherwise she is forced to ask again (which she has to do sometimes) or discipline (which she simply doesn’t do and because I don’t intentionally ignore her).  However, stating clearly what she wants and expects, in a straightforward way, as one might instruct a child – (go clean your room. Go make your bed. Let’s go. It’s time to leave, etc.,) she has been able to effectively get me to do what she wants without emotionally pushing me away.

Leading doesn’t need to be difficult. At least in this respect, all the woman needs to do is verbalize her thoughts clearly. My suggestion is she do so in a declarative statement rather than in question form. “It’s time for you to make me breakfast” is a better choice than “aren’t you hungry?” The latter question begs another question …. “Are you trying to tell me you want me to make you breakfast?” Ladies, why complicate things. Just tell him what you want. If you want him to take a shower, tell him. If you want him to let out the dog, tell him. And if he doesn’t move, get his attention and then tell him again. Use the word ‘now’ so he knows you are serious.

I believe there needs to be a separation between dominant and submissive. It’s part of the relational dynamic. How can the wife be viewed as the one in command if her spouse views her as one of the gang. She isn’t one of the gang. She is his wife and his Mistress-Wife at that. The couple may not want to view things like this but she is the more important party from a status perspective. That doesn’t lessen who he is. He is just as important, but in a different way. His role is to serve. Her role is to lead. 

The trick she needs to successfully negotiate is controlling/ruling/leading him without damaging his emotional ego. She needs to lead without alienating herself from her mate. And that can be easily done. I mean what guy doesn’t respond to her showing him a little casual sex every now and again. What I mean is, “Go mow the yard,” and squeeze his butt while saying “Mmmm, I love your butt.” (He’ll go mow the yard and think about that one comment for the next 45 minutes!) Of course you could squeeze other parts too (and he’ll think about that even longer) but you get the intent of what I’m saying.  Giving him an appreciative thank you every now and again or telling him how much you enjoy all he does for you, giving him a nice long kiss, touching or fondling him are simple quick and effective ways of letting him know you love him and care about him. One of Katie’s favorite tricks when I come behind and give her a hug is for her to press her sweet bottom into my groin and wiggle it. I love it!!!! Remember, we boys have a very fragile ego. We need to be handled with care :) That little wiggle strokes my ego perfectly.


By no means am I the authority on this. I had to give this comment additional thought and would appreciate your thoughts and insights as well.

I’m Hers


  1. Great post.We are going to have are 5 year FLR anniversary in August.And I my wife now truly knows she is the leader in are marriage but there are still times when she will tell me what to do then follow with" if you don't mind" which drives me crazy.I tell her I never mind doing anything you ask and sometimes I think she does it on purpose.But I will say after 5 years she does know that she is the dominant partner in are marriage and it is something that we talk about openly now.If another couple were to spend a day with us on vacation they would be able to tell she is the leader or alfa in are marriage and that I have submissive role.Take care..RR

  2. RR, Always good to hear from you :) I bet it's hard to believe its been 5 years since that 'fateful :)' day when you gave your all to your wife. I just passed 6 years and don't regret a single day since. I smiled reading the caveat to your wife's 'sometimes statements - the ones she ends with 'if you don't mind'. My reaction is EXACTLY THE SAME - drives me crazy as well! when she tells me to do things in that way. Take care and stop by again. Don't work too hard. It's getting hot in the midwest these days.

  3. Nice post, I'm-Her's!

    I love your observation that great relationships do exist between parents & children, teachers & students and players & coaches, and that it’s difficult to walk the line as a player-coach. Having a clear chain of command and clear expectations does make life much easier for EVERYBODY.

    I‘ll never forget a decision we made as youth-camp leaders to have each cabin of kids run by two equal counselors, and not the usual Counselor/Co-counselor hierarchy. What a disaster that was! Cabins didn’t get cleaned, campers did not get to bed on time and were late for activities, and they didn't get the individual attention they sorely needed. Without somebody clearly in charge and bearing responsibility, life at camp was difficult and our little experiment was quickly shelved!

    Leadership is about communicating expectations and also involves bearing burdens; including the pressure to get it right. Also, leadership brings an opportunity to help drive the team toward one’s vision and to make a difference in the organization and in lives of others. There can be a lot riding on a leader’s shoulders and having loyal, committed and joyful supportive people around can make leadership a delight.

    It is a great journey for a couple to figure all this out while their FLR progresses. When a wife assumes a commanding presence in the marriage, I think it’s a husband’s job to provide joyful, unwavering support at all times; when she’s happy and strong, or when she’s down or angry, tired or frustrated. In fact, that’s when she needs our strong shoulders, our listening ears and our quiet obedience the most! In the past, when Donna was upset about something, or even mistaken about something, I would actively try to fix it for her, or change her mind,or defend my actions. Now I simply listen, and allow her to be ... and seek to understand.

    We submissive husbands are in a great position (no pun intended) to learn just what it is our wives want out of their husbands … and out of their own journey. It can be very slow going, so we’ve got to be patient along the way. Steering the ship may be new territory for our newly-anointed Captains, and it may take them a while to feel comfortable giving orders. So, we First Mates need to make time to listen, to coax and deduce just what the lady wants. In calm seas and in storms, we can be there for them. Being second in command to our wives can sometimes be a tough job, but sooooo very enjoyable, whether we get flogged or not!!

    Thank you,


    1. Scott, you touched on several topics, all of which I agree wholeheartedly. Thanks so much for taking the time to write all you did. I'm so thankful for commenters such as your self that take the time to regularly contribute!

  4. Thank you, IH. I did ramble a bit. Thank you for not minding me using a lot of words to state what I could have said with one sentence, "The Lady has decided to lead; now let's make it worth her while!"

    1. Rambling is good my friend. No need to ever apologize. I find rambling helps me thing things through sometimes. Ramble any time you wish on this blog. It's never 'unwelcome'.

  5. I would consider Clara Schumann was the leader of her marriage. Their own version of WLM. Different from yours, but I would still consider one version of WLM. Clara was clearly the leader. A WLM without formal declaration. If a formal declaration of WLM isn’t necessary, would a separation needed?

    Look up, especially in the Family life section. What an admirable matriarch.

    Clara was the leader of two famous men: Robert Schumann and Johannes Brahms.

    1. I don't doubt Clara being a clear leader within her home. I'm not so certain that she never declared her status as the decision maker/head of household though. Whether she actually made the statement, we may never know but in all social groups, those living within that group all know the power rankings of the members. If there is no one in charge it leads to fights, arguments, disagreements and at least a certain level of chaos. For a WLM to run smoothly there is a significant benefit when the wife declares her authority and the husband acknowledges it.

      Thanks for sharing the info about Chara Schumann. I'm certain she is not alone - even though she lived way back when.