Wednesday, June 15, 2016


Female LED Relationship. Wife LED Marriage. The keywords here are gender, role and depth of relationship. For a woman to successfully have the life she wants and mold her man into the guy she only dreamed might be possible requires her to assume the role as leader in the home. Success, happiness and contentment in relationships don’t come without work by both parties. In a female led relationship it only comes when he follows her lead.  It means she has to lead. She just cant’ assume that because he’s submitting that she doesn't have to change. She has to change to but in ways that are far different from him.

In the case of a female led home, the very words imply she is in charge and he isn’t. But just because someone has decided “we are going to be engaged in a female-led-relationship” or “I want to submit to you” doesn’t equate with her being a good leader nor him being the follower she wants. She needs to exhibit certain qualities. Here are some that I, as a submissive, believe are important ones:

(1) She needs convey authority. There should be no if, ands, or buts as to who is running the show, who is in charge, who makes the decisions, and who goes to who when asking for permission, etc. The rub comes when ‘he’ decides to buck the system and in those situations she needs to somehow assert her authority, reminding him that doing whatever he just did, isn’t his call to make.

Authority within a female led relationship is an odd dynamic.  Over the past weeks I’ve read from Mistress Kaylee who commented how her increasing authority draws her husband into an even more submissive state. Several men have recently commented the need they have their wives be more firm then they have been. Cathy commented in a recent post various ways to quell alpha moments. Sandra commented in that post how she addresses those times when her husband wants to assert himself. She provided examples, all of which provide visual demonstrations of who was in charge and who must submit to who. I continually remind Katie that asserting her authority is an expression of love to me at its deepest level. I love it as it pulls me to her in ways nothing else can.

Men need a strong leader. Telling your husband, “do you think it’s time to get dinner ready” conveys something different than saying “it’s time for you to make me dinner.” There needn’t be meanness in your words but there needs to be a conveyance of your authority and his need to obey.

(2) She needs to separate himself from him in some way.  One of the things I always kept in mind while teaching was that even though I wanted to connect with my students, I didn’t want to become too close to them. I wasn’t their friend (even though I came to love and respect them over the years). My role was to instruct them, to help them, to lead them to gain the expertise they needed to enter their chosen profession.  To do that required me to sometimes do things to remind them that I was in charge. I failed them on tests and quizzes if they didn’t measure up. I corrected them when they didn’t do something properly. I corrected them when I thought they could have made a better choice. By separating myself in these ways they understood I wasn’t a peer, but they could come to me for help and advice.  As a female leader, the wife needs to do the same, but do so in such a way that lets her husband know without question, he is deeply loved and cherished. I think that is a difficult road to tow but a necessary one.

(3) She needs to have a vision as to what she wants for both herself and for her man. This might mean her giving him things to do or telling him of things he won’t be doing from now on. In my situation it meant me becoming the cook. It also meant I wouldn’t be going hunting anymore. Sometimes it means me giving up things I might enjoy in lieu of her wants. It’s part of the deal. Katie has her reasons and I understand that.

Vision implies what kind of man she wants her husband to become, not just today but in the future. Reaching, or failing to reach that goal probably depends on how much/little authority she maintains. Vision requires having a plan. What I have learned as Katie’s submissive is that I do more time consuming things like cooking, cleaning and completing the various chores she has me do around the house. However it’s up to her to come up with the plan for the day, for the week, for us, for me. She is the one who must assess if I am doing what she wants and doing it the way she wants. Although she doesn’t need to do the actual work, she needs to make sure its done properly.

Leaders spend time in meetings. Workers execute whatever comes out of those meetings. It’s why we sometimes refer to a leader as a white-collar and workers as a blue-collar. One thinks and plans, the other follows the will of the other. Both must work but their work should be different. I recently read a post on the Conquer Him website on the #1 reason women ruin female led relationships. Her take was women cave to the man; they are too easy. Women feel sorry for the guy. I would agree. It goes back to being a leader. It goes back to separating oneself from the husband in the same way a teacher must separate himself from a student or a parent from a child. It goes back to a mindset that you are "above" him. Yes, you are more important. He is inferior (in some respects). As a result you just can't bear his load. You can't let him slack off. You have to stay on  course. Why? Why? Because if you don't it undermines your ultimate goal of maintaining your leadership and keeping him in check. To cave is to show weak leadership traits.

(4) She needs to have a plan for when he acts up. No man is perfect – not even me! :) Men rebel. Men slack off. Men cut corners. Men assert themselves in ways they shouldn’t. All such actions are displays (some more overt than others) of his unwillingness to fully submit.  When he does go off the track, what should a leader do? If a student starts challenging the teacher, what should the teacher do? If an employee stops doing everything and only does 80% what should the boss do? If your husband no longer keeps the kitchen spotless or leaves things hanging around the house that should be put away, what should you do? If he dallies when you tell him to do something rather than doing it immediately, what is your response? You need to have a plan and that plan should have the goal to stop the unwanted behavior.  Some call this discipline and in a way it is. Some might call it behavior modification and it is that too. 

The goal is obedience. The goal is obedience with an attitude of knowing you are in charge. Trust me ladies, your man wants to know you are in charge. He craves seeing and feeling your authority. Don’t be afraid to lead. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down. Don’t be afraid to take real charge of your man. If you do you will speak his love language and he will yield to your will. I can promise that. If you aren’t sure, just try it and see what happens. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

I’m Hers


  1. Wow, you put some work into this post, IH! There's a lot here to ponder over the next couple of days.

    I love Number 3, having a Vision for both parties in the relationship. That can make an FLR sustainable and joyful for both the Head of Household and her Minion. The Vision is where the Beautiful Lady can decide if she wants her hubby to be manly or feminized, to be a formal servant or an intimate best friend, a humiliated guy or an appreciated knight, a protector or a maid... or all of them rolled into one!

    For my wife and I, figuring it out is a fun process; and sometimes a bit harrowing for me to assume the right role at the right time! Her vision of our relationship, and what she needs most out of me to enrich her life, is at the top of my list!

    Sometimes my Queen isn't in the mood to communicate her vision, or did so in a subtle way and I missed the clue, or she told me and I forgot, or I was too stubborn to change ...when that happens, it's not good!

    Thanks for sharing your ideas on this one, friend!


    1. My man Scott, thanks for being back into the blogging commenting world. I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your opinion. You know, when I read your comment about where a vision might lead the Mistress' man I was surprised. I guess I never really thought about that but what you had to say is quite true. She can make him into whatever she wants - which might be any of the above suggestions you made.

      Of course, you hinted at the dilemma women sometimes fall into - they don't always make it clear what they want. Of course you went there tactfully as usual :). I love the clear direction. The 'this is what I want you to do' instruction.' Things become black and white and that's the world in which I thrive most comfortably. Enjoy your father's day.

  2. It seems that in our society we don't state things clearly yet I think we need women to state clearly that they are in charge. men (myself included) will feel much more comfortable because we then know the rules and we can put our efforts into complying rather than into trying to work out the confusion of not knowing what is going on.

    1. submanhub, I agree! There is something beautiful about Katie stating the obvious to me. It clears up everything. There is no more gray - eg, does she want me to do this or do that? kind of thoughts. I'm sure you must thrive on that as well. Thanks for stopping by friend.

  3. Some thoughts about "Attitude":

    If a woman wishes to be thought of as "Dominant", the concept of "Attitude" (hers, of course) is both basic and vital. This seems self evident to me, but having witnessed some rather pathetic attempts at attitude by women who are not naturally dominant, I've come to the conclusion that this basic need is not at all easy to achieve if she's not naturally dominant to begin with. It's a hard thing to learn, and it's the reason that many D/s relationships fail from the outset or early on, as the submissive is not getting what he needs and the dominant is left frustrated at his attempts to top from the bottom by telling her what he wants her to do.

    If a woman cannot get the attitude down, or is uncomfortable as a person who demands compliance (i.e. obedience) from her submissive, she'd be better off to forget the entire B/d concept, and the husband/sub would be well advised to discover this quickly before it all gets out of hand and messes up their relationship entirely.

  4. I just read your post, Lady Grey, aloud to Katie. When I finished I asked, "do you have the attitude thing down?" "I'm working on it," was her reply. And I would agree. She is creeping along but I can see the change. But I would agree with you. I've had to top from the bottom to help her move in that direction and I did so because I was getting frustrated.

    It's tough being someone you naturally aren't. It's like me telling you to suddenly become the timid gentle soul you aren't :). I'm sure that would be tough. You'd have to check your attitude constantly because to change in that way goes against the very 'you' that is apart of your make up.

    My hunch is there are quite a few relationships (D/s ones) where the husband lives a somewhat frustrated life because of the inability for his wife to fully take charge. I guess that is better than nothing but maybe, as you said, worse than if they had not even made an attempt at living as a Dominant/submissive couple.

    As always, thanks for the input. Stay well!

  5. Wow, this is daunting for newbies. A lot of overhead for her. Start small, in areas where she is already in charge.

    About vision and plans, here is how we work. I do the vision and plans, she approves. Then I implement. Takes much of the overhead away from her. Like a CEO and a board director in running things.

    1. Do you really think it's a daunting task? All the post is suggesting is that she do things to make you conform to her in the ways she wants. Taking charge is not that big a deal - and surely less of an effort than following dutifully. To be honest, I was surprised to see that you provide the vision, as you say, and then present your ideas to her. I would think she'd want to do that and leave you out of the decision making process. I'd be interested to hear her thoughts after you suggested that you thought it would be best to let her be the only one that plans and decides. It will be tough for you (and maybe for her - for a little while) but I would dare say that it would build trust and dependency on your part if you let go (or if she took that assignment away from you). Just some food for thought Her Subject. I'd be interested if others feel the same or differently.

    2. For a vanilla newbie, it can be tough. Doesn’t mean she can’t get there.

      A simplified analogy of how it works for us. I present a menu for her to pick. She then decides. Or she may reject the menu and request a new one.

      My wife rejected the idea of only one who plans. I am not going to force her. She’s just getting comfortable being the only one who decides.

    3. Her Subject,
      Maybe I misinterpreted what you were trying to say. Having you plan out a menu and have her accept/reject seems quite logical for her to want from you. And I completely understand her not wanting to do this alone yet. It takes time to feel comfortable in her new role. My advice for you is to let her be and always encourage and praise her as she takes those steps into the unknown.

  6. Great post I'm hers, and a great discussion started. You said that men need leadership, that is true. We're task oriented. When there's a task or project to accomplish we usually thrive. Like shooting pool, we're always looking and planning ahead as to best achieve the task. Sometimes that task is done alone and sometimes it takes teamwork. With teamwork there must be leadership and direction. What sets submissive men apart from those that aren't is the idea that we crave that direction.

    A marriage or a companionship is a team. A small one, but a team nonetheless. The beauty of a FLR is that the parameters are usually pretty set as to how the "team" gets things done. Of course there are going to be nuances to adjust to as different circumstances arrive, that's how we learn and grow as people generally, but having the FLR framework solidly in place makes that learning curve not so sharp.

    That said, it only works if both individuals embrace their given position. Respect and affirmation of those roles is key. We submissives need direction. We need expectations and consequences. When our dominant provides that for us we thrive.

    Your example of how the Dom gets the sub to get dinner done is a great example. This past weekend my Queen and I had an opportunity to discuss our WLM a bit. One of the things I mentioned was that I felt I needed to feel her leadership and control a bit more in our day to day lives. I've been feeling like the dog that hasn't had his head scratched in a while. She said she understood and would try to be more conscious about it. So, last night we were sitting on the sofa watching a couple Daredevil episodes and she asked if I thought the windows should be closed because the house was getting a bit cool. I turned and looked at her and cocked my head a bit before responding and the lightbulb went off in her head. She coyly smiled and rephrased her query into a direction. I smiled back, kissed her, got up and closed the windows and got her fluffy blanket. She snuggled next to me and with the undercover help from the blanket she teased my manhood just enough to get its attention without the teenage girls in the room catching on. So a double win for the sub!! A triple if you count the girls seeing how a man should attend to the fairer sex.

    So do people change? Yes, life would be boring and useless if not. Was I topping from the bottom? Probably, but it worked, for both of us. We are still finding our way with this and we are doing it together. Every circumstance won't necessarily be that easy but they all build upon themselves. This is who we are and who we're becoming.

    Thanks for the post and the opportunity to share my thoughts, and thanks again for a fantastic blog chronicling a "real life" WLM.


    1. Sublove, I liked what you had to say. I read the example of the windows needing closed to my wife and she listened intently. We too have gone through that 'be more direct' phase. When Katie use to say, do you think it's time for lunch? I'd answer by saying, "was that a question?" She'd then play along and rephrase it into a make me lunch statement. She doesn't ask questions much anymore so the whole topping from the bottom met it's goal and I can now stay the bottom I need and want to be.

      When you suggested how we men are planners, and made the analogy to playing pool, I smiled as I'm always telling myself "there has to be a faster way to do this". It's just who I am. I watch something being done and immediately analyze it wondering if there is a better, more efficient way. That trait must be buried somewhere on the Y chromosome. :)

      Thanks for sharing. There are great contributors to this blog and I am very grateful and thankful for all of the viewpoints shared. Happy Father's Day!

  7. As wonderful as the D/s life can be, I am convinced that in one respect it simply adds an overlay of difficulty to an already (at times) difficult thing - that of maintaining the primary relationship. At your invitation I just started reading your blog and in many ways my heart goes out to you. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, except to say, that having a wife led marriage, implies having first a wife, who needs must have a husband. The rest will take care of itself, perhaps. All the best and be well.


    1. r, Thank you for sharing. I wouldn't worry about me. If you read the last several posts you caught me in a down turn. It was about me, not her and that has since passed. I agree, however, with the point you noted - that it can be difficult to add a D/s relationship on top of the primary one. I'll never forget reading from a Miss Rika text that successful D/s relationships can only be built upon a healthy marriage. That is where our focus is and will always remain. Hope you stop by again r.

  8. Thank you, I'm Her's. I hope you're not going to charge me back-dues for all that time away!

    Your item # 2 about separation by the leader reminded me to work extra hard to make sure Donna still has me as a best friend and romantic husband while becoming her obedient slave. It would be sad to allow our wives to feel lonely and disconnected while they assume the burden of leadership. We've got a great opportunity to allow our Ladies to soar and feel loved at the same time!

    Thank you,


    1. No charge - this time. Just don't let it happen again! :) I think I'll have to spend more time writing about that #2. I put it in almost on a whim but I don't think I did the thought justice. And you're right, being a mistress should never equate with being/feeling alone. It should bring about the exact opposite. Enjoy your weekend!