Friday, August 26, 2016

Buying In and Staying Bought In

I’ve served as my wife’s submissive for several years now. Our relationship has evolved over time. I’d say that in the past two years things have pretty much settled into a state of equilibrium. She knows her role and I know what is expected of me.

In the previous post I wrote as to how my mind constantly dwells on Katie’s beauty, her physical attributes and my appreciation of those attributes. My point was one I think must men can identify with. Men love sexual stimulation. We often think with our genitals and because we do it allows women to use ‘sex’ to their advantage especially in FLR/WLMs. Our sex drive is one of the most, if not the most, powerful drive we guys have. We love sex and for most, place that experience as something we seek more than anything else.

I wrote the last post knowing I was going to write this one. I did it to set the stage to address a more significant issue. Yes, I think about sex and Katie’s body quite a bit. In this post I want to focus the discussion of ‘sex’ around the topic of sex and denial. Most living in a FLR have experienced this. For many couples the dance plays out like this: the two of you make love. She experiences one or more orgasms but you don’t get to have one – and in the end she’s left satisfied but so are you – kind of. You’re left wanting and frustrated but you wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything.

When Katie and I first experimented with this we combined it with chastity. I think we both came to believe that this kind of lovemaking far superseded the 'old way'. Things didn't end when I released. Things didn't end because I was told to forego my orgasm. As a result our times spent making love lasted longer - sometimes quite long. As for me, the time between releases was maybe a week, but Katie quickly lengthened the time to two, three and then four weeks. Of course it was me who requested she do so. My asking had to do with my inherent desire to ‘see if I could do it'. It was a thing of pride. It became a challenge. "I lasted 56 days!" “I made it to 102 days!”  My period of denial ended up becoming something Katie liked and so what started out as a week or two grew to 30, 60 and 90 days and eventually to six months and then a year. Because they were all "first times" I pretty much remained on a high.

However, to be perfectly honest when the times got beyond a few months there were periods during those prolonged times of denial when I felt abandoned. Denial lost its appeal. I didn’t enjoy the position in which I found myself. It felt too long. I felt like I had somehow lost a part of me when we shared our most precious of times. Don't get me wrong, I loved being the one who served as the man that brought Katie to repeated climaxes. I came to love - and still love that part of our closeness but that sharing has become mostly one sided. I found the thrill I once experienced to be much diminished. My climax was not the focus and hasn’t been for many months. Yet this is what I asked for and this is what she gave me.  Presently I’m on my third venture to another year of being denied. I think I'm about to reach seven months since the last time but I don’t hardly keep track of the days anymore. Again I have been feeling those ‘I’m alone in all of this’ kinds of emotions. It's hard to explain but I simply miss sharing an orgasm with her, or simply climaxing because I can - and because she said I could this time.

It’s not that I don’t love making love. I do. I crave it. Since we've become a wife-led-marriage Katie has helped me learn that sex shouldn’t be about me and I'm glad she's allowed me to experience this.  I’ve learned to completely reframe our times of closeness. Before they were one-sided. Now they've become all about her and how I can serve as her source of those - sometimes quiet, sometimes not so quiet - internal explosions that she experiences when we are together. But our time really has become less about me and more about her and I miss that we don't share as we once did when my time in denial was for shorter periods of time.

I find that when we make love now that I don't experience those incredible ‘I’m about to explode' feelings that I once did. Instead I'm more subdued, more in control and less emotional. Maybe its age but I don't think it is. I think it's more like I know that I can't ever go there and so I've somehow learned how to keep my mind from experiencing those heightened emotions associated with a climax soon-to-be.

There have been a couple of posts put up recently that seemed to have been written just for me. One referenced an ejaculation-schedule a wife put her husband on. She denies him but allows him periodic releases after so many weeks or after he has treated her to a certain number of orgasms. When I read about the typical number of days she keeps him from experiencing a release I thought she was being too generous but the idea of knowing that on "this day" things would happen appealed to me. Gosh, it sounded like such a nice compromise. Denial for her, hope of a release for him. To know that denial had an end in sight before it would once more start again resonated with where I am. This wife presented a different philosophy than the one Katie subscribes to of limiting me to once a year (or once every 16 months as she suggested last week!).

Let me tell you, a year is a long time to remain without an ejaculation. It’s a really long time. The first time I went there was a time of exploration and I'm glad she permitted me that experience, but now that I know I can do it, it's not so much fun thinking things will only happen once a year (or even less). It's tough to emotionally adapt to that way of thinking. Maybe it's because it cuts to the very heart of who I am as a sexually active man.

There was a blog that is no more by a woman that called herself "Katie Christian". She believed the only reason for male ejaculation was for the purpose of procreation. That's fine for her to think that way but the more significant question from a marital happiness perspective is: 'is he willing to go there with you' for the remainder of his life? Is he willing to completely abandon a part of his masculinity that has been so central to his manliness?

Marriage is a union of two people. It takes two people to buy into how a couple will live. Some wouldn't even dream of living a life the way Katie and I do, others wouldn't ever consider committing to marriage. Others believe in 50/50 relationships. Every couple has different aspirations and viewpoints on how they feel they can best succeed as a couple. Whatever choices a couple makes, in order for that relationship to remain healthy and thrive, both need to buy in on how they will live, interact and relate. It's not enough for one to say, this is how it will be and I don't give a sh#* what you think. It does matter what the other thinks because you’re a couple and as a couple you will either sink or swim.

My point here is that for dominance to work, the submissive needs to buy into his submission and cater to his wife’s dominance. He needs to obey. He needs to respect. He needs to treat her with the honor she deserves. For submission to work, the same needs to be true. She need to treat him like the servant he is. She needs to reinforce that his job is to please her and to do whatever it is she expects of him. 

With regard to sex, it’s pretty clear that a man’s orgasm is associated with a reduction in that desire to perform sexually. Too many ejaculations seem to lead to a lazy man and one who can become selfish and self-centered. However, what happens when denial is taken to a point that is ‘too long’? Can it be taken too far? Is six months or a year or forever an expectation he should expect to agree to? Besides potential health risks (another matter entirely), can a wife deny her husband for too long a time?

I’m wondering about that very thought. The goal in denying me in the first place has always been to increase my desire, my responsiveness and my lust for Katie. She’s denied me to enable her to make love with me for more than 30 seconds. She’s taught me how to deny myself in order or allow us to remain sexually close for longer periods of time. She’s cultivated my submission by denying me the freedom she has enjoyed every time we do make love. She’s forced me to remain dependent. I need to ask permission. I need to not expect I will be granted permission. All of this reinforces her dominance and my submission.

Denying sex, or certain aspects of sex can serve as powerful reminders of who is dominant and who serves. But if the time becomes too long, if he loses his longing and doesn’t buy in the way he once did, might a lengthy denial-period work against what the wife wants from him? I think it might. I hope this post serves as food for thought for others. I know I’ve been giving this lots of thought as the time since ‘the last time’ seems like forever ago and the time til the next time still seems impossibly far away. I’m once more stuck in limbo land and it feels like a lonely place to be right now.


I’m Hers

Saturday, August 20, 2016

ADIDAS!

When I was a horny and immature teenager I remember someone telling me about what the letters ADIDAS stood for. It had nothing to do with the athletic shoe company. Rather I was told ADIDAS was an acronym for All Day I Dream About Sex. Of course I giggled when I first heard this because it was a bit 'dirty' as well as funny - for a 14 year old boy.

Now some 40+ years later, that acronym still holds significance because it still remains true. I do dream about sex all day long. However I dream, dwell and focus on more than just sex. I lust after my wife. I think about her all the time. I find her hot, sexy and incredibly passionate when she feels like being so. Let me expound on my thinking to drive this point home more fully.

Yesterday she stood from the sofa and bent forward to pick up something from the coffee table. I was sitting next to her. My eyes didn’t go move to what she was getting, rather it moved to her butt. I love looking at her butt! I love looking at it, touching it and grabbing it (when I'm permitted to do so.)

Whenever she’s driving I can’t help but look at the graceful curve of her breast. I don't know what it is about a woman's figure but they were made to appeal to a mans' eye and Katie's appeals to me all the time.

When she stands and wears a short top, I love seeing the front of it hang loosely and away from her abdomen, knowing her ample chest is pushing it forward and letting it fall in that sexy way.

When she walks ahead of me, upstairs, or for that matter most anywhere when she takes the lead, I limit my viewing area to her legs, her figure and the the sway of her gait. There's not another person I'd rather let my senses absorb than her.

When sitting next to her, I’ll often kiss her on the neck and bury my head into her hair. I love the way it feels to have her hair cover my face and I love smelling that perfume that reminds me of Katie.

“Rub my back,” she will often say nightly. “My pleasure!” I’ll think. I get to touch her body; feel her small frame and tight muscles and sometimes even get to hear her moan as my fingers and hands perform their magic.

I love the feel of her small wrists, her petite fingers and body in general.

Everything about her is sexualized to some degree. I dream about her. I think about her. I want to be near her. I want to touch her. I want to snuggle behind every night and wrap my arms around her or turn away just so I can feel her do the same to me. 

I don’t know what she is thinking but I know exactly what I’m thinking and what I want. More! I’m always looking for more!

We made love this morning. Later we were downstairs watching the Olympics and sipping coffee. She was stroking my leg. “Do you want to go back upstairs and make love again?”

“I just want to touch you,” she responded.

“She was content doing what she was doing. Me, I was being “ADIDAS”! I was hoping I could get more.
Luckily she doesn’t mind me pawing over her. She enjoys me appreciating her for who she is and how she looks. I think it makes her feel completely secure knowing her husband is fulfilled by her. And I am. But I still dream about those times when small things lead to other things – to ADIDAS kinds of things.

I’m Hers

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Saturday thoughts

God I love it when she actually leads! In a few minutes she is about to head out with a friend for a few hours and is upstairs getting ready. Just before she did she went through a short list of things she wanted me to do. “And do you want me to mow the back yard too?”

I was told not to because it’s so darn hot outside today.  Anyway, when she came down she said, “you are not to do stuff outside until after I get home.”

I know it’s just a small thing but I can’t get enough of her when she is direct. I mean what’s there to be afraid of? She’s looking out for my best interests and knows I’ll go out and sweat and work if left to my own desires. I guess that’s not going to happen today.

On the flipside I had a long week of work last week – like up at 6 and not home until 10 or 11 at night. As was our pattern up until June, I’d lock and stay locked until bedtime. Then summer came and for whatever reason she allowed me to put the appliance away for a few months. At first it was a wonderful change but I soon missed it. It was as if she was denying me the ability to sacrifice on her behalf. It felt as if the leash had become too lax and her attention much diminished. Yet after I had asked more than once if she wanted me to lock and after I was told me she’d tell me when I was to put it on again, I let it be and stopped asking. Her response didn’t change how I felt. I still missed it. I still wished she would have told me to lock up if for no other reason than for me to have the thought that I am kept only for her firmly embedded in my mind.

I know I’m writing a post that has used the pronoun “I” quite a bit. It’s not that I want our WLM to be about me. I don’t. However I do want her to feel completely free to own me in an overt way that leaves no doubt that I belong to her.

Last week with my earlier than usual start times I left for work with her still asleep. I knew the routine had been to lock the week before but I thought I’d leave it to her to tell me what she wanted. On Monday while we talked on the phone midday she mentioned, “You didn’t put your appliance on.”
“I know,” I answered, and left it at that. Why she didn’t say the needed one more sentence of “make sure you don’t do it again” or “I didn’t appreciate finding this here and not on you and expect you to lock every morning,” I can’t say. But those words were never spoken and so on Tuesday I again went to work free and easy. The pattern continued through Friday and so when I awoke today (Saturday) and she was awake I texted, “lock?”

“Yes.”

“LOL, Yea right” I answered.

Her response: “Lock it up.”

Ahh, finally!!! Directness. And so I’m secure and she’s involved in my submission and has expressed her dominance once again. Now if she will only do so without prompting when the next 100 opportunities arise I’ll be a happy submissive.

I’m Hers

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Caring Enough to Confront

This post is directed to the heads of households – those leading wife led marriages/female led relationships.

I don’t know if you’re like me but I hate conflict. I’m such a wimp when it comes to confronting peers. I just hate doing it. I don’t mind handing issues with those I don’t have a vested interest but when it comes to Katie, my friends, children and extended family, I’d rather keep my frustrations to myself than voice them and potentially make trouble.

Do you feel this way? For many addressing conflicts can be tough. At one level ‘something’ took place between two parties that caused a rift. Someone was offended. Someone noticed something very wrong that disturbed them. Someone didn’t appreciate what was said or implied. Someone started acting more aloof and you have no idea why. That’s how the conflict came to be and in most all cases.

Conflict is often difficult to resolve with peers because of the feelings they have for one another. This person is your friend. You have a history with them. You might even love them.
When you recognize the wrong and if you decide to address it, there may be harsh words exchanged. There may be tears. The relationship m ay be irreversibly altered. There is a risk assumed when considering if and when to address the issue at hand.

It’s that fear of the unknown; that worry with regard to what if things don’t go well that often keeps conflicts from being addressed. But if they aren’t addressed; if they aren’t resolved; the relationship is altered simply because the problem remains. It needs to be dealt with.

All of the above leads me to how this plays out within a wife led relationship. When the wife witnesses something she doesn’t approve, the responsibility falls upon her as the head of the home to address the issue. If she chooses to ignore the problem, she implicitly has addressed it. She has given her blessing for the attitude or action to continue because she has chosen to ignore the problem. If she decides to intercede she is placed in the position of being the ‘bad person’ by bringing the problem up for discussion.

As the woman in charge of your marriage, this task falls to you. However how things play out “should” - and that’s the key word, “should” - be far different than if you were the wife in a vanilla relationship. In a WLM/FLR you hold all the power. Your husband has pledged his obedience. He has pledged to embrace your decisions. He has pledged to support you and abide by your wishes. He has pledged to obey.

The mistress must take it upon herself to discuss the problem. She really has no choice. Failure to discuss or address this is an omission of her responsibility. It’s why she is called Miss, Mistress, Queen or whatever term of endearment the husband uses to show respect. The beauty of this situation within a WLM is that when she does bring the topic up she should expect is zero resistance on the part of her mate. It’s his duty to listen, to be open and honest. It is his responsibility to disclose any secrets he may be hiding or the root cause of feelings he has. It’s his job to explain himself adequately, answer questions truthfully and accept whatever consequences incurred. It’s his job to change. All the Mistress needs to do is address it to her satisfaction.

If the submissive lives his role there should be little to know stress placed on his mistress when she pulls him aside to address her concern. Oh, I’m sure she’ll feel uncomfortable the first few times but as her confidence improves those feeling should become a thing of the past. She should expect no backtalk; there should be no buts; there should be nothing other than an honest open confession or explanation. There should be nothing more than an ‘I’m sorry and will do better”; there should be nothing more than accepting the consequences his mistress believes is necessary to prevent the occurrence from happening again.

If the submissive is truly submissive it should be easy for the wife to confront. There should be no stress as there often is when confronting friends, peers or others. It should be even easier than when confronting a teenage child.

For me, this is but another beauty to living under Katie’s rule. Her rule is law but that law only extends as far as the rules she is willing to insist I abide by. If she sees something awry, she needs to confront me. Failure to do so serves as an indication to me that my behavior is OK to repeat.  However when she does address a problem she should have the confidence to know I won’t question her authority and I will fess-up as needed.


I’m Hers