Friday, August 26, 2016
Buying In and Staying Bought In
I’ve served as my wife’s submissive for several years now. Our relationship has evolved over time. I’d say that in the past two years things have pretty much settled into a state of equilibrium. She knows her role and I know what is expected of me.
In the previous post I wrote as to how my mind constantly dwells on Katie’s beauty, her physical attributes and my appreciation of those attributes. My point was one I think must men can identify with. Men love sexual stimulation. We often think with our genitals and because we do it allows women to use ‘sex’ to their advantage especially in FLR/WLMs. Our sex drive is one of the most, if not the most, powerful drive we guys have. We love sex and for most, place that experience as something we seek more than anything else.
I wrote the last post knowing I was going to write this one. I did it to set the stage to address a more significant issue. Yes, I think about sex and Katie’s body quite a bit. In this post I want to focus the discussion of ‘sex’ around the topic of sex and denial. Most living in a FLR have experienced this. For many couples the dance plays out like this: the two of you make love. She experiences one or more orgasms but you don’t get to have one – and in the end she’s left satisfied but so are you – kind of. You’re left wanting and frustrated but you wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything.
When Katie and I first experimented with this we combined it with chastity. I think we both came to believe that this kind of lovemaking far superseded the 'old way'. Things didn't end when I released. Things didn't end because I was told to forego my orgasm. As a result our times spent making love lasted longer - sometimes quite long. As for me, the time between releases was maybe a week, but Katie quickly lengthened the time to two, three and then four weeks. Of course it was me who requested she do so. My asking had to do with my inherent desire to ‘see if I could do it'. It was a thing of pride. It became a challenge. "I lasted 56 days!" “I made it to 102 days!” My period of denial ended up becoming something Katie liked and so what started out as a week or two grew to 30, 60 and 90 days and eventually to six months and then a year. Because they were all "first times" I pretty much remained on a high.
However, to be perfectly honest when the times got beyond a few months there were periods during those prolonged times of denial when I felt abandoned. Denial lost its appeal. I didn’t enjoy the position in which I found myself. It felt too long. I felt like I had somehow lost a part of me when we shared our most precious of times. Don't get me wrong, I loved being the one who served as the man that brought Katie to repeated climaxes. I came to love - and still love that part of our closeness but that sharing has become mostly one sided. I found the thrill I once experienced to be much diminished. My climax was not the focus and hasn’t been for many months. Yet this is what I asked for and this is what she gave me. Presently I’m on my third venture to another year of being denied. I think I'm about to reach seven months since the last time but I don’t hardly keep track of the days anymore. Again I have been feeling those ‘I’m alone in all of this’ kinds of emotions. It's hard to explain but I simply miss sharing an orgasm with her, or simply climaxing because I can - and because she said I could this time.
It’s not that I don’t love making love. I do. I crave it. Since we've become a wife-led-marriage Katie has helped me learn that sex shouldn’t be about me and I'm glad she's allowed me to experience this. I’ve learned to completely reframe our times of closeness. Before they were one-sided. Now they've become all about her and how I can serve as her source of those - sometimes quiet, sometimes not so quiet - internal explosions that she experiences when we are together. But our time really has become less about me and more about her and I miss that we don't share as we once did when my time in denial was for shorter periods of time.
I find that when we make love now that I don't experience those incredible ‘I’m about to explode' feelings that I once did. Instead I'm more subdued, more in control and less emotional. Maybe its age but I don't think it is. I think it's more like I know that I can't ever go there and so I've somehow learned how to keep my mind from experiencing those heightened emotions associated with a climax soon-to-be.
There have been a couple of posts put up recently that seemed to have been written just for me. One referenced an ejaculation-schedule a wife put her husband on. She denies him but allows him periodic releases after so many weeks or after he has treated her to a certain number of orgasms. When I read about the typical number of days she keeps him from experiencing a release I thought she was being too generous but the idea of knowing that on "this day" things would happen appealed to me. Gosh, it sounded like such a nice compromise. Denial for her, hope of a release for him. To know that denial had an end in sight before it would once more start again resonated with where I am. This wife presented a different philosophy than the one Katie subscribes to of limiting me to once a year (or once every 16 months as she suggested last week!).
Let me tell you, a year is a long time to remain without an ejaculation. It’s a really long time. The first time I went there was a time of exploration and I'm glad she permitted me that experience, but now that I know I can do it, it's not so much fun thinking things will only happen once a year (or even less). It's tough to emotionally adapt to that way of thinking. Maybe it's because it cuts to the very heart of who I am as a sexually active man.
There was a blog that is no more by a woman that called herself "Katie Christian". She believed the only reason for male ejaculation was for the purpose of procreation. That's fine for her to think that way but the more significant question from a marital happiness perspective is: 'is he willing to go there with you' for the remainder of his life? Is he willing to completely abandon a part of his masculinity that has been so central to his manliness?
Marriage is a union of two people. It takes two people to buy into how a couple will live. Some wouldn't even dream of living a life the way Katie and I do, others wouldn't ever consider committing to marriage. Others believe in 50/50 relationships. Every couple has different aspirations and viewpoints on how they feel they can best succeed as a couple. Whatever choices a couple makes, in order for that relationship to remain healthy and thrive, both need to buy in on how they will live, interact and relate. It's not enough for one to say, this is how it will be and I don't give a sh#* what you think. It does matter what the other thinks because you’re a couple and as a couple you will either sink or swim.
My point here is that for dominance to work, the submissive needs to buy into his submission and cater to his wife’s dominance. He needs to obey. He needs to respect. He needs to treat her with the honor she deserves. For submission to work, the same needs to be true. She need to treat him like the servant he is. She needs to reinforce that his job is to please her and to do whatever it is she expects of him.
With regard to sex, it’s pretty clear that a man’s orgasm is associated with a reduction in that desire to perform sexually. Too many ejaculations seem to lead to a lazy man and one who can become selfish and self-centered. However, what happens when denial is taken to a point that is ‘too long’? Can it be taken too far? Is six months or a year or forever an expectation he should expect to agree to? Besides potential health risks (another matter entirely), can a wife deny her husband for too long a time?
I’m wondering about that very thought. The goal in denying me in the first place has always been to increase my desire, my responsiveness and my lust for Katie. She’s denied me to enable her to make love with me for more than 30 seconds. She’s taught me how to deny myself in order or allow us to remain sexually close for longer periods of time. She’s cultivated my submission by denying me the freedom she has enjoyed every time we do make love. She’s forced me to remain dependent. I need to ask permission. I need to not expect I will be granted permission. All of this reinforces her dominance and my submission.
Denying sex, or certain aspects of sex can serve as powerful reminders of who is dominant and who serves. But if the time becomes too long, if he loses his longing and doesn’t buy in the way he once did, might a lengthy denial-period work against what the wife wants from him? I think it might. I hope this post serves as food for thought for others. I know I’ve been giving this lots of thought as the time since ‘the last time’ seems like forever ago and the time til the next time still seems impossibly far away. I’m once more stuck in limbo land and it feels like a lonely place to be right now.