Friday, September 2, 2016

Buying In and Staying Bought In - Part 2

I wrote this post prior to putting up the previous one. I wanted to get my thoughts written down before having them influenced by the comments of the previous post. Last week I wrote something that triggered a thought in which I needed to give more thought. The previous post was generally about how exciting and wonderful and sexy and incredible and enticing and jealous and envious I was after reading about how another couple handles denial and release. The wife permits her husband to do so every few weeks and is put on "a schedule” of sorts. I loved the idea; probably because my 'schedule' is getting moldy. It's been that long between 'wowee' times for me.

As you know, Katie reads and approves all of what I post and that post was no exception. She read it but had little to say. When she finished proofing it she asked if I was lonely and I told her I did feel lonely. She didn't probe further. Two evenings later while we were in bed I pulled up the Bobby Vinton song "Mr. Lonely" on my phone and played it through my iHome speaker. The lights were out. I was laying on my side and she was wrapped around behind spooning. I felt her shudders as she began to silently giggle. When she grabbed my 'little soldier' and started wiggling it I knew she got my point. Ah, success makes for such sweet satisfaction! When the song was over I asked if she knew who sang that tune. When she guessed wrong I told her it was "Bobby Vinton and the Confined Sperms".  More silent giggles erupted. Another point driven adequately home for her to ponder further :) I slept well that night.

But, nothing, or rarely nothing in life is black and white. That was the case when I wrote that post.  I felt justified writing what I had until I wrote these two sentences: "Whatever choices a couple makes, in order for that relationship to remain healthy and thrive, both need to buy in on how they will live, interact and relate. It's not enough for one to say, this is how it will be and I don't give a sh#* what you think." After I did I wasn't so sure.

And then a day later I was looking at several post ideas I had in a file. I came across a line I had copied and pasted a post written a few months back from the "A Dominant Wife" blog. In that post she refers to a conversation she had with a younger woman who lives in her home. She states: "....The point about being in charge of your marriage is it is entirely your decision. As I have told you, there is only one sexuality in our marriage: mine. I do what I want, elliot does what he is told."

So there you have it. And all this makes things so "Uggghhh!" So confusing. So frustrating. 

I wrote last week about thoughts I had regarding me wondering if Katie is pushing me too far into denial. I wondered if only reaching an orgasm once a year was undoing some of the 'doing' she wants my denial to do for her (and for me).  I hoped it would have elicited a discussion but it didn't and because I'm her submissive, I let it be. We texted some days later and I learned she denies me for such long periods of time because it was me who told her how denial affects me mentally. And it has been me that has told her how being told 'no' actually makes me closer to her. And it does. But so does reaching a climax as long as she responds to it as a mistress should after that climax happens. It's not the climax per se that I love but how she handles it once it's over. (I'll leave it at that.)

Again, things come back to being more open, something we've a hard time doing when the topic pertains to her dominance and my submission and our WLM. Don't ask me why, it just is what it is.

Anyway, I felt guilty when I wrote, "it’s not enough for one to say this is how it will be and I don't give a hoot what you think." In the back of my mind I kept thinking, "Isn't that what dominance is all about? Isn't it about doing what she wants because she feels this is what is best for us?" In some ways I violated one of the key premises of my wife leading us. She needs to sometimes make hard decisions, regardless of how I feel. Sometimes she needs to tell me, "I want you to do this," or "I don't want you to ever do that again and don't question me. This is what I want and this is what you will do." There needs to be times when she stands on that island even when she knows her husband may not agree with what she has decided.

That's what A Dominant Wife referenced during her conversation with the young woman still learning about what it means to be dominant. She referenced it in regards to her sex life with her submissive husband. Basically she said, she does what she wants and he has no say in the matter. And that is so true. He shouldn't have a say. Not ultimately anyway.

Now I would hope that a loving mistress would talk and read and explore and learn so she can make wise decisions. It's her job to do that. She has the responsibility to lead and lead with the hope she is making the best decisions for both her and for him. I'm not saying that is always an easy thing to do but I do believe it's her responsibility regardless of how hard it might be. But she needn't do this alone. She can ask others. She can have her sub research and do the leg-work for her. She can read and learn. She can do lots of things but in the end, the decision remains hers to make. In effect she needs to sometimes tell her submissive that "this is how it will be and I DO give a sh$* what you think. (And even though you think it’s not the best choice, I believe it is best for me and for you and that's why I'm deciding as I am.)  It's why there can only be "one sexuality in the marriage". It is why she can do what she wants and why her submissive is required to do what he is told. But underlying the sometimes harsh outward expression of those decisions is the hope? The expectation? That she has chosen wisely for the benefit of the marriage, for the maintaining of her dominance, and for the cultivation of his submission.

And so I don't know what to think about the whole appeal of the ejaculation-schedule thingy-mi-bob. I like it but I love Katie even more. I looked at her the other day after she read that post and said mostly nothing. I looked at her and thought "I'm going to love this woman with all my heart even if she never lets me cum. I just am." I thought that because I know deep down she has me placed on such a high pedestal in her mind. I know she loves me. I know I am the apple of her eye. I know she wants nothing more than for me to love and cherish and adore her. And because I know all these things I know that even if nothing changes my love for her will remain where it is - focused only on her.

I'd love to hear your thoughts. 

I'm Hers

16 comments:

  1. I'll just say that these two posts were moving. I'm not in an FLR, and after reading the blogs about them, I know I never could be. I've had a lot of submissive feelings most of my life, and I have great empathy and respect for other guys who do also.

    Your submission is a huge gift. The posts read like you are trying to talk yourself out of feeling the pain you're feeling about this issue. Personally, I've never met a man who could go a year without a sexual release (I actually thought it was bad for your prostate).

    Other than that, this sentence from this post really hit me: "She read it but had little to say. When she finished proofing it she asked if I was lonely and I told her I did feel lonely. She didn't probe further."

    I have strong feelings about it, but I'll only sat that I felt a strong sting when I read: "She didn't probe further".

    It takes huge courage to do what you do. However, the dominants need to remember "With great power comes great responsibility," and that includes the responsibility to ensure the physical and emotional well being of those who have given the gift of submission to them. I think of it as a spiritual mandate more than anything else.

    Good luck with all of this.

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    1. Anonymous, I appreciate the sincerity of your response. I can tell you 'feel' for me. At the time of this writing I'm not sad or down. I'm actually doing pretty good although nothing has changed. However I do have the hope that things will change but what I don't know is exactly when or how often - after that first time. We shall see. And as I am approaching it, I asked. I let her know how I felt and now I am letting go and letting her handle things. Thanks for sharing and I hope this won't be the last time.

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  2. Are you really really really sure that your wife is deserving of all that unquestioning love ?????? I'm not.

    Owen

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    1. Owen, Consider..... me make love multiple times per week. We snuggle all the time. We love spending time together. We live for the weekends when we can both be at home. We enjoy one another's company. We share multiple interests. We are best friends. She's agreed to be my dominant wife and allow me to be the submissive man to her that I am. And with all that you feel as if she doesn't deserve my love? I WANT to love her and WILL love her simply because of who she is. I am a very very blessed man.

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    2. I think that a truly loving, caring, sensitive partner would have sensed your unease long ago and responded to it or at least asked about it. That your wife is seemingly indifferent even after seeing your distress in print indicates she is either clueless or self-centered.

      Owen

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    3. I agree. She is self-centered. She loves me but she considers her self first. That's what a dominant does and it's what I agreed to abide by. Thanks for pointing that out.

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    4. If that is how you really feel then I am at a loss to understand the purpose of these last two dithering posts.

      Owen

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    5. Is that what a dominant necessarily does, consider herself first? Isn't there a view that a dominant is the decision maker, but that being the ultimate decision maker does not necessarily mean being self-centered and considering yourself first?

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    6. I think it can be both ways Anonymous. My point however is that it is usually not that way all the time. In other words she doesnt' put me first all the time. At least in our relationship. For example if I don't want to do the dishes today and tell her that it most likely won't mean she will say, "OK, just let them stay in the sink. You can do them tomorrow." or. "OK, I'll do them sweetheart." It won't happen and it probably shouldn't happen. But mostly she does consider my viewpoints. Mostly

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  3. I think I can relate to some of how you feel. My WLR is 5 years and if I remember yours is a little longer than mine. My wife manages our sex life know and now we only have sex the "traditional way "I will call it maybe once or twice a year but will allow supervised release when on mabe a biweekly schedule. It's not what I would have thought when we started 5 years ago but this is how she wants it. We are more in love now than ever. I will say she has become more confident in her dominant role in our marriage and I love where we are in out relationship. Hope this helps how maybe you feel. Thanks for sharing...RR

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    1. RR, it does if I understand you correctly. Are you saying you only have sex twice a year or only have conventional sex twice a year - implying you have 'nontraditional' sex at other times.

      For as important our sex life is, it is not the only aspect of 'who we are' that determines the health of our relationship but it does serve as a good barometer of how well we are doing.

      You know I always enjoy your thoughts. Stay well friend!

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    2. correct conventional twice a year..the rest of the time is nontraditional...this is how she has decided and works great for both of us..take care...

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  4. I enjoy your blog very much, not only because it is so informative and thoughtful, but because your situation and relationship with Katie is the closest approximation to ours that I have discovered. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    If I may, I would offer my opinion, which is based solely on my own experience, YMMV.

    I think you have answered your own question. The heart of the matter is that you gave control of your sexuality to your wife, and now its her's, not yours. In a loving, wife led relationship you can still communicate how you feel about things, but it seems unfair to expect her to change. You can however, choose to think differently about your situation, which you seem to understand. Your orgasm is totally her's now, not your own as it was before. It is challenging to accept that truth in practice, but that is your responsibility, not hers. In my case, I found that reprogramming myself towards desiring the intense plateau that precedes a climax, not the climax itself, helped resolve this issue. That plateau, and the feeling of devotion it elicits, is an intensely pleasurable gift from my wife. A climax only serves to end that gift, and while pleasurable in itself for a very brief moment, the cost in hampered devotional energy is too great price to pay. When I am told to climax, she is trusting me not let my devotion and service suffer. It it did, I would expect my wife to consider this additional gift a mistake, and she probably would not risk doing that again for a long time.

    Perhaps Katie has observed some decease in your devotion following climaxes? If so, can you blame her for avoiding those down times as often as she can? If you have looked at your behavior and level of intimacy in the days following a climax, and find yourself needing improvement, then you have another answer that might help resolve this issue. It's possible that Katie would gift you more frequent orgasms if it didn't mean a loss of devotion in the relationship. If you are able to suffer no behavioral effects in the days following an orgasm, then changing your attitude towards climaxing is probably your best and only choice.

    Thanks again for taking the time to share your life with us.

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    1. Some guy recently used the word 'dithering' in a reply? huh? just read uxorious and saw one more perfectly crafted divergent view concerning how your feelings and focus relate to her in the situation you shared.
      Each comment just plucks one more harmonizing string to help understand how loving someone this way is so undeservedly, selfishly, self fullfilling for us in our attempts in trying to create exactly the same feeling for someone else, only deservedly for them. JT

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    2. Uxorious Mate, Glad you posted. I have never heard of the word 'uxorious'. Had to look up its meaning. How appropriate. As to your comment, I can resonate to a degree with your first paragraph. There is much to love about not quite getting there and even more to love by being the source of her pleasure. As to the reasons why she might be withholding a release, I don't think its because of a letdown. I mean when you only experience 'that' once a year - meaning I've only been 'there' a few times in the past few years I think the opposite takes place. I am so grateful that she has permitted me that experience. And I sure hope there isn't a letdown or an emotional withdrawal. Mostly her reasons have to do with me telling her just how much I enjoy being denied - and mostly I do - but for some reason this time feels like its been too long. Hope you stop by again.

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    3. JT, I think that commenter and I just see things a little differently. I don't hold anything against him. Its how the world is. We have different expectations and maybe he interpreted something I wrote in a way I didn't intend. No hard feelings.

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