Friday, September 2, 2016
Buying In and Staying Bought In - Part 2
I wrote this post prior to putting up the previous one. I wanted to get my thoughts written down before having them influenced by the comments of the previous post. Last week I wrote something that triggered a thought in which I needed to give more thought. The previous post was generally about how exciting and wonderful and sexy and incredible and enticing and jealous and envious I was after reading about how another couple handles denial and release. The wife permits her husband to do so every few weeks and is put on "a schedule” of sorts. I loved the idea; probably because my 'schedule' is getting moldy. It's been that long between 'wowee' times for me.
As you know, Katie reads and approves all of what I post and that post was no exception. She read it but had little to say. When she finished proofing it she asked if I was lonely and I told her I did feel lonely. She didn't probe further. Two evenings later while we were in bed I pulled up the Bobby Vinton song "Mr. Lonely" on my phone and played it through my iHome speaker. The lights were out. I was laying on my side and she was wrapped around behind spooning. I felt her shudders as she began to silently giggle. When she grabbed my 'little soldier' and started wiggling it I knew she got my point. Ah, success makes for such sweet satisfaction! When the song was over I asked if she knew who sang that tune. When she guessed wrong I told her it was "Bobby Vinton and the Confined Sperms". More silent giggles erupted. Another point driven adequately home for her to ponder further :) I slept well that night.
But, nothing, or rarely nothing in life is black and white. That was the case when I wrote that post. I felt justified writing what I had until I wrote these two sentences: "Whatever choices a couple makes, in order for that relationship to remain healthy and thrive, both need to buy in on how they will live, interact and relate. It's not enough for one to say, this is how it will be and I don't give a sh#* what you think." After I did I wasn't so sure.
And then a day later I was looking at several post ideas I had in a file. I came across a line I had copied and pasted a post written a few months back from the "A Dominant Wife" blog. In that post she refers to a conversation she had with a younger woman who lives in her home. She states: "....The point about being in charge of your marriage is it is entirely your decision. As I have told you, there is only one sexuality in our marriage: mine. I do what I want, elliot does what he is told."
So there you have it. And all this makes things so "Uggghhh!" So confusing. So frustrating.
I wrote last week about thoughts I had regarding me wondering if Katie is pushing me too far into denial. I wondered if only reaching an orgasm once a year was undoing some of the 'doing' she wants my denial to do for her (and for me). I hoped it would have elicited a discussion but it didn't and because I'm her submissive, I let it be. We texted some days later and I learned she denies me for such long periods of time because it was me who told her how denial affects me mentally. And it has been me that has told her how being told 'no' actually makes me closer to her. And it does. But so does reaching a climax as long as she responds to it as a mistress should after that climax happens. It's not the climax per se that I love but how she handles it once it's over. (I'll leave it at that.)
Again, things come back to being more open, something we've a hard time doing when the topic pertains to her dominance and my submission and our WLM. Don't ask me why, it just is what it is.
Anyway, I felt guilty when I wrote, "it’s not enough for one to say this is how it will be and I don't give a hoot what you think." In the back of my mind I kept thinking, "Isn't that what dominance is all about? Isn't it about doing what she wants because she feels this is what is best for us?" In some ways I violated one of the key premises of my wife leading us. She needs to sometimes make hard decisions, regardless of how I feel. Sometimes she needs to tell me, "I want you to do this," or "I don't want you to ever do that again and don't question me. This is what I want and this is what you will do." There needs to be times when she stands on that island even when she knows her husband may not agree with what she has decided.
That's what A Dominant Wife referenced during her conversation with the young woman still learning about what it means to be dominant. She referenced it in regards to her sex life with her submissive husband. Basically she said, she does what she wants and he has no say in the matter. And that is so true. He shouldn't have a say. Not ultimately anyway.
Now I would hope that a loving mistress would talk and read and explore and learn so she can make wise decisions. It's her job to do that. She has the responsibility to lead and lead with the hope she is making the best decisions for both her and for him. I'm not saying that is always an easy thing to do but I do believe it's her responsibility regardless of how hard it might be. But she needn't do this alone. She can ask others. She can have her sub research and do the leg-work for her. She can read and learn. She can do lots of things but in the end, the decision remains hers to make. In effect she needs to sometimes tell her submissive that "this is how it will be and I DO give a sh$* what you think. (And even though you think it’s not the best choice, I believe it is best for me and for you and that's why I'm deciding as I am.) It's why there can only be "one sexuality in the marriage". It is why she can do what she wants and why her submissive is required to do what he is told. But underlying the sometimes harsh outward expression of those decisions is the hope? The expectation? That she has chosen wisely for the benefit of the marriage, for the maintaining of her dominance, and for the cultivation of his submission.
And so I don't know what to think about the whole appeal of the ejaculation-schedule thingy-mi-bob. I like it but I love Katie even more. I looked at her the other day after she read that post and said mostly nothing. I looked at her and thought "I'm going to love this woman with all my heart even if she never lets me cum. I just am." I thought that because I know deep down she has me placed on such a high pedestal in her mind. I know she loves me. I know I am the apple of her eye. I know she wants nothing more than for me to love and cherish and adore her. And because I know all these things I know that even if nothing changes my love for her will remain where it is - focused only on her.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.