Monday, September 26, 2016

So What happened?

Two weeks ago Katie let me experience an orgasm. Initially the plan was for me to go a year before the next one but a few factors influenced her modifying that time frame.  I think most that change in plan had to do with me feeling left out. Honestly I started to feel as if our lovemaking had become completely about her and not at all about me.  But as some of you reminded me, I got what I asked for.  I submitted. I gave up certain freedoms. I wanted this and there is no mistaking our marriage revolves primarily (but not solely) around her. She’s in charge and I’m there to support and be there for her.

But for whatever reason – and I really don’t know why – I began to feel depressed as the days mounted from 100 to 150 and beyond. I just wanted to be an active part of our lovemaking – and I didn’t want to wait an entire year for that to happen.

The other issue at play was my own prostate health. I started feeling these pangs, kind of an achy feeling down in that area and became concerned. We talked about that. It was that which started our sporadic discussion during the month prior to ‘the happening’.  I know I’ve written a post or two on the topic of long-term denial and prostate health. From all I’ve read I found nothing to indicate that more releases vs. fewer has any influence on how the prostate functions.  All I knew was I was feeling something that I hadn’t before experienced and I started to worry.

I have an app on my phone that keeps track of the number of days in denial. I title my little journey on that app “# of days since the last time”.  Sending her a screen shot at Day 176 I asked, “Are you really going to deny me a full year?”

I knew the answer. It’s always the same, “Maybe”.  But this time caught me by surprise. Her response came a few minutes later. “Probably.” Ouch. That one hurt. 

I told her about the aches down there and a week later sent her another screen shot. With the comment, “soooo long.”
This time she texted, “three more weeks.” 

Talk about giving a guy some hope! OMG!!! I couldn’t believe it. I entered that date into my calendar and I can tell you one thing, I looked at that date more than just a few times in the days that followed. I couldn’t wait.

Two weeks later I texted while at work: “I’m at 200 days!”

She texted, “one more day.”

It was another unexpected response. I knew I had another week until reaching the three-week date (but I somehow forgot to remind her of that fact). :)

That next day came and that next day went without anything happening. Oh, did I feel like crap. I was so hopeful but no, there was no hanky-panky to be had. I couldn’t believe she didn’t want to make love that morning. Later in the day I asked her why and learned she had a headache. The next morning came and things finally happened.  And that was really all there was to it. It wasn’t mind blowing. It wasn’t earth shattering. Rather it was nice. I felt loved. I felt cared for. I felt as if she listened to what I had to say.

Upon reflection I understood the thought behind the “three more weeks” text.  It was an indication that she wasn’t about to change her mind just because. It was her saying “I hear you but I’m not going to just do something ASAP just because you tell me”. Yet at the same time it was her saying I really do care. I really am listening. I really am concerned and I want you to know I am thinking about you.

The happening took place two weeks ago.  What I don’t know is when the next time will be? She has given me no indication what her plan is. I don’t know if she will permit me releases monthly, bi monthly, have me wait another 200 days or keep me chaste for another year.

And to me that is my primary concern. I’ve asked her a couple of times to think through what it is she wants to do and why she is doing what she is. I hope she has a plan. I hope she does things for a reason rather than having no rationale for when she’ll next let me release. And until that next time, life will go on.

I’ve been locked every day since one since. It’s been 15 days and I love her for being the mistress she is and has been to me. 


I’m Hers

17 comments:

  1. Wow. I'm glad you got an orgasm, but that post felt really sad. I could never endure what you signed on for. I really hope it works out.

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    1. Anonymous, I do appreciate your comment and the heartfelt empathy for me. But I wasn't feeling sad when I wrote. That wasn't my intention. I honestly tried to not write a negative post. I think what I tried to convey was a sense that when I was finally permitted a climax that it indeed satisfied me but it was by no means a few seconds of tumultuous ecstasy. It was wonderful. Don't get me wrong but even more gratifying was the knowledge that she cared enough to let me cum. That was the best part!

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  2. Often time reality is much different than fantasy or how you think things will be. It is foolish to follow down a path simply because it was a goal that was set. If the outcomes or impacts of trying to attain that goal are not positive then there needs to be adjustment or realignment. I am glad to hear that you and your wife readjusted. She did the right thing. As for plans with orgasm control...why not go with the flow. My husband has no clue when he will be allowed to orgasm. Sometimes it is months and sometimes it is weeks. I may even surprise him by allowing two orgasms in the same week (very rare). I find that keeps things exciting for him and adds another layer of fun when I tease him as he does not know if I am going to let him cum or not. I also monitor his mood. There are times where I can tell he just needs one.

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    1. "If the outcomes or impacts of trying to attain that goal are not positive" begs the question: positive for whom?

      Here, it seems to be positive for the one who is empowered to the distressing detriment of the one who is disempowered, who is allowed to slide into depression and loneliness with not a lot of evident (or expressed) concern from the one who is empowered.

      It is great that an FLR husband is sharing about this stuff. It seems like they either don't blog or are subject to editorial control that keeps these issues being discussed.

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    2. Mz Kaylee, I agree. I remember a dear friend once reminding me that "absolute consistency is the sign of a small brain". :-) The point of that comment being there is always a need to keep the possibility for change open. I think Katie did just that in this situation. Of course I had to let her know how I was feeling otherwise I would still be waiting for that overdue orgasm. We are both still learning and as our relationship matures will continue to fine-tune things. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I always welcome them.

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    3. "Here, it seems to be positive for the one who is empowered to the distressing detriment of the one who is disempowered, who is allowed to slide into depression and loneliness with not a lot of evident (or expressed) concern from the one who is empowered."

      The fact that she allowed release shows that there was concern and she cares. There will always be ups and downs in a FLR. That is why it is important to discuss these things. FLR is a two-way street.

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    4. Maybe eventually she gave him a release, but if you look at their initial discussion, she showed no interest when she asked if he was lonely. Even then she strung him along for quite some time -- without saying anything concerning his emotional state-- and then simply said "you can come today".

      Having read your blog, I'm not surprised that passes for "concern" to you.

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  3. Although I can't quite empathize with you as to the length of time without a release I can very much relate to your sentiment of "feeling left out". No man is an island right? I don't care who you are or how strong or committed you might be, a person simply has to feel a part of things. Without periodic affirmation or validation, self worth will slip. How people need that affirmation varies from individual to individual. It seems like you two worked this one through and the love you have will allow for that to continue, but I can't help but get the feeling that you'd like Katie to be a bit more intuitive as to where her subs head is and give it that soothing stroke or two that conveys the love that settles your soul.

    Maybe I'm off base a bit and have delved deeper than your post was meant to say, as you were really just addressing having an orgasm or not and how it felt when you were eventually allowed one. I'm guessing that being "allowed" the orgasm triggered the submissive reward center as much if not more than the actual orgasm itself. The allowance being the validation of ones submissive self, thus setting the world right again. Communication is key, on both sides of the WLM. I hope you two continue to effectively share what is most important for each of you.

    sublove

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    1. sublove, no, it's not the best of feelings to feel like your left out and that time has since come and gone. It was there for awhile and fortunately I had the sense to tell her how I was feeling. It took some time before she 'resolved' things but she eventually did and when she did, all those I'm not apart of this feelings vanished as quickly as they came.

      As to the orgasm, it was way more about the emotional connection being restored than it was about the internal feelings of the event. As I commented to Uxorious Mate below, the communication resulting from the topics mentioned in this and the previous post have caused us to talk quite a bit more. And that has been great.

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  4. It seems to me that you are in a good place and perhaps might actually be hoping for something less than you already have. You have uncertainty as to when your next climax will be, but have certainty it will happen eventually. That is a good thing, in comparison to uncertainty about if it will ever occur or certainty it will occur when you want it to. Congrats on enduring 200 days; your sacrifice is quite remarkable.

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    1. UM, indeed I am in a good state. I like your perspective - the certainty of knowing it will happen again but the uncertainty of not knowing when. It's been interesting because this situation has opened up our communication quite a bit. All in all it's been a good experience.

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  5. Bless you IH! You and I are very much alike. I suspect that my Queen Ann and your Katie are also very similar. Please be encouraged as I am encouraged by your writings. My wife and I have been pursuing a WLM for almost two years now. We have been married for almost 32 years, but at year 30 I decided that changes were required in our relationship and so I made recommendations. At first she was confused about my desire to be her submissive and for her to assume a dominant role, but over time we have found that we simply couldn't be happier. Initially, I wanted her to be more direct and controlling, but over time I have learned that for a WLM to actually work, she has to be free to be herself.

    Like you, I am wearing a "Queen's Keep" for weeks at a time. For us, me being denied release for extended periods is not the goal. There are no medals for long-term chastity. The goal is for her to completely manage my releases. And she has learned to embrace this role. We have found that a release every 4 to 6 weeks is optimal for me: too frequently or too infrequently and there are unpleasant consequences. But at the 4-6 and sometimes even 8 weeks intervals, I am kept in an optimum state, happy and always eager to serve her. Our "love-life" couldn't be better and the intimacy we share is truly priceless. Mz. Kaylee is right in that a WLM is a "two-way street".

    I want to personally thank you for your the impact you have had on our marriage. Your suggestion that to pursue a wife led marriage may be the best choice we've ever made is true. I am not less of a man, yet she is becoming a more powerful, confidant woman. Thank you!

    Jane's Uxorious Knight and Houseboy

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    1. Thank you for the positive words. I don't think that those that have never truly experienced the many joys of living under the loving hand of an in-charge wife can fully identify with your words. There is nothing better. I know it's not for all but it's probably best for so many average or struggling marriages.

      I think we will get to be where you are with regard to a release schedule that works best for us. And to be honest, up until now, it has been. Things just need to be tweeked and I trust Katie to do just that.

      Thanks again and keep on serving.

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  6. Very interesting posting, and very interesting comments. I would completely agree with Mz Kaylee's initial comment and I feel that the anonymous writer who is attacking her remarks is way off line. I think Katie handled it perfectly, and keeping you in a state of uncertainty is right on point for a dominant woman.

    Communication is vital. Inflexibility seems sexy on paper, but reality trumps inflexibility in a real life situation. Katie adjusted based on your concerns, yet managed to retain complete control and in the end had you loving both your moment of release and the fact that she had determined everything. Sounds like you two are doing just fine!

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    1. "Way off line," huh?

      Here's the statement that got me from his 9/2/2016 post:

      "She read it but had little to say. When she finished proofing it she asked if I was lonely and I told her I did feel lonely. She didn't probe further."

      Didn't probe further when your husband expresses that kind of feeling to you? I'm not OK with any spouse who demonstrates that kind of indifference to their partner's suffering.

      Allowing a release weeks later after not "probing further" hardly demonstrates love and concern, but you two consider it "right on point." You two are obviously very loving, caring ladies.

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    2. Anonymous, I believe you are fighting some argument-battle that is unnecessary. Katie loves me. That alone should be enough to say. No she didn't talk to me right away when I told her I was feeling frustrated. No she didn't let me release for another three weeks. But to put this in perspective we aren't talking about the death of a child or the loss or a job or what to do because the house got flooded by a hurricane. We're talking about me having an orgasm. And so Katie didn't deem it to be 'that' important. And in the scope of life - meaning her work, my work, our relationship, spending time with family and friends, it was indeed a lesser problem/issue.

      But never did I not feel Katie didn't love me. Never ever ever. And to be honest, and I don't know this, maybe this was one of those teachable moments where she decided to remind me that I'm hers and I will obey her rather than she jumping up and yanking me off until I came.

      I think part of the miscommunication here is because I'm only giving those that read this blog a glimpse of who we are, what we talk about and how we interact. I think you may have taken what I wrote to be an all encompassing emotion that permeated every aspect of my waking and sleeping hours.

      Hope this explanation clears it up at least somewhat.

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    3. Fair enough, but my concern went to the general issue of loneliness more than the specific issue of release.

      My wife once told me she was lonely in our marriage, and I asked numerous questions on the spot and acted immediately. I wasn't about to walk away without uttering a word.

      To think for a minute that such was the state of affairs was gut-wrenching for me to hear. I can't imagine it being otherwise for a loving spouse who hears that, whether the marriage is equal, husband led or female led.

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