Sunday, October 30, 2016
For a month or so I was having lots of ‘feelings’ that I wrote about on this blog. As an aside, the reason I wrote on that topic was purposeful. I didn’t want to give the impression that all of this submission and dominance stuff is always honky-dory. It’s not. Like all things in life there are ups and downs in whatever we do and for whatever reason I was having a bit of a downer time with regard to the length of time I was being denied. And besides, I think blogs in which the author shares personal feelings and thoughts makes for better reading. But I digress – somewhat.
I wanted to write about three common states of being: what we feel, know and hope. Around those three feelings much of life revolves and how we balance these three emotions plays a significant role in how one looks and feels about life.
I feel lots of things. Sad, happy, mad, angry, frustrated, giggly, submissive, loved, neglected, frustrated, tired, energetic, overwhelmed, bored, out of shape, old, invigorated, etc. I’m sure you can plug in descriptors that depict how you feel today or have felt during the past week. Emotions constantly bombard us and serve as the source of determining how we look at life. Some of us are governed by those feelings. Some push them aside and ignore the emotion of a situation or circumstance and press on with whatever one is doing. We all handle, approach and respond to feelings differently.
But feelings are just that – a feeling. What is more significant is what we know. I know I am married. I know where I live. I know I have a job and what my responsibilities at work are. I know I need to cut the tree down in the back yard. I know I need to take out the trash weekly. I know I have to cook Katie breakfast and dinner. I know I have to get gas on the way home from work. I know who my favorite football team is playing on Sunday, what time the game is and what network is carrying the game :) (yes, some things must be known in great detail!). I know I am Katie’s submissive. I know I can’t do something on Saturday without asking permission. I know lots of stuff.
What I know is another one of those traits that helps both me and others form an impression of who I am. It’s mostly objective data. What I know is based solidly on something: my employment, my residence, my responsibilities. Neighbors and acquaintances can even glean this same knowledge if they watch me observantly. They know who mows the grass. They know who takes out the trash. If they were in Katie’s house they would know who does/doesn’t do what. They know what time I leave and come home for work and if they followed me would know where I work.
What they don’t know is how I feel about all I do. That’s the subjective part of life. They don’t know how I feel about mowing the lawn – whether I enjoy or dislike it; whether I feel tired or am loving getting out of the house to get a little exercise; whether I’m bored or occupying my mind thinking about how grand sex was this morning or about the next post that has only somewhat taken shape inside my brain. They can’t see the feeling, thinking part of me.
Likewise, they have no idea what my hopes are. And I do hope. I hope my grandchildren grow up healthy and safe. I hope my children remain loved and cared for. I hope they live a long and rewarding life. I hope their marriages and my marriage lasts until ‘death do us part’. I hope to spend many more years cognitively alert with Katie and be able to travel and spend our golden years in love. I hope to retire sooner rather than later. I hope Katie becomes even more comfortable leading with each passing day. I hope to go to Alaska, the Louisiana bayou and to visit Yosemite, Glacier National Park, Brice Canyon and other places I would love to spend time at. I hope my car lasts another few years before it bites the dust from old age.
Hopes are the illusive part of life. Our hopes may become knowledge, meaning I may know what it feels like to stand on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon if I go there. My hope of seeing it might be something I someday know. Hope gives us something to look forward to. It gives us something to strive for. It helps us focus beyond the here and now. Hope can be especially rewarding if there is some basis for which to hope that one’s hope will become a reality. My hope to remain happily married to my wife is a happy thought because of how I feel about her and what I know about our relationship both now and in the past. Nothing comes to mind that would mar my hope of remaining deeply in love for years to come. I might hope to go elk hunting (not something I really have on my bucket list) but if I did, I doubt very much I’d ever go elk hunting since Katie has forbidden me to hunt just for the sake of killing an animal. There’s a difference in those two hopes.
So where am I going with all this? I’m not sure :). I can try to personalize this to being a submissive or to those living within a WLM/FLR but I’ll let you do that. Instead, I’ll simply point out that how we balance what we feel, know and hope determines to a large degree our level of contentment with life. When I was writing all of those posts that gave the reader the feeling of “it must suck to be him” feelings, I allowed my negative feelings to permeate most everything I did for a few weeks. It wasn’t healthy and looking back on that time I see know how I lost sight of what I knew. Katie loves me. Katie cares for me. Katie is doing the very thing I asked her to do (e.g., deny me). This is only about an orgasm. This is not about me surviving cancer. I had lost perspective. I needed to regain it and eventually did and in part, did so when Katie allowed me an earlier than expected release.
Some of you may feel as if your FLR is falling apart. Some may ache because they can’t find someone to share such a relationship and worry they may never. Those can be big and worrisom feelings and ones that need to be addressed. I’m not saying you will get what you want. I didn’t get the kind of WLM that I thought I’d get but I am quite content with the version that came to be – and probably happier that I didn’t get what I initially hoped for.
I hope you will evaluate your life, especially with your partner. I hope you can take time to assess your feelings, both good and bad, that you feel free to discuss those feelings with others; that you are content with where you are in life and if not, that you will make strides to move to a better place. I hope you have hopes that come to be reality. But I also wish for you not to have all you feel, and hope become reality for then there will be nothing for which you to hope for in the future. One should never get all they want. What fun would Christmas be if that wish came true? There would be nothing to hope for next year and besides, I think it’s healthy to deal with some disappointment.
Self-analysis is a healthy undertaking. I hope you will take time to assess your current state. Take time to just ‘be’. Get away from the tube. Go mow the lawn and think. Go take a walk and think. Go paddle down some quiet stream or take a hike or bike ride where you can be alone and think about all you have, all you hope for, all you worry about, and all that is. I want to say – and be thankful. I hope you can come to that conclusion and indeed be thankful.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Some have said that we become the people we are partly because of the positions and roles we hold in life. Our personalities change to some degree when we are asked to lead, follow, teach, help others during tragedies, comfort, etc. I believe this happens with the partners engaged in a relationship. The personalities of both the wife and the husband change – at least somewhat - because of that agreed-upon dynamic. Those living in a vanilla relationship act differently than when single or when a part of a wife led marriage.
Prior to our wife led marriage I would have told you that my primary role-or one of my significant roles - was to provide security for Katie. I viewed her as a precious gift (and still do) and one in which it was my job to make sure she was protected and secure.
Since becoming her submissive and since giving up decision making power and becoming a non-decision making entity in our relationship my role to make her feel secure has changed somewhat. Yes she still wants me to take care of her and yes she loves when I make her feel safe but the perspective about which I am arriving at those same objectives has changed. Before it was from a position of authority.
“Stand behind me and I’ll take care of this.” “Katie, get in the car. I’ll handle this.” Back then I protected her from the assumption that if I told her to do something she’d do it. That was before. Now things are different. Now there is an almost unspoken understanding that she is responsible for me. I do the chores she wishes not to do. I fetch things for her. I ask several times a day, “Is there anything I can get for you Sweetheart?” or,”Is there anything I can do for you Mistress?” As a result of living as her submissive – and what I mean by that is living for several years in a relationship in which we both know she’s the one who makes most of the household decisions – I have come to rely on her more she depends on me less. Should situations arise where I need to protect Katie I’ll still say take the initiative to protect her but my words will reflect who I am to her. “Why don’t you let me take care of this,” or “Don’t you think I should handle this why you wait in the car?”
The results are the same but the attitude in which I am approaching the situation differs. I will protect her but not because I’m the alpha. I protect because I am the ‘beta’ – the submissive - whose role it is to look out for and anticipate her needs. The outcome is the same but way I get there is now different.
I am certain that my need for Katie has grown over the years. I don’t see myself as being any weaker but rather more dependent. I see her as my source of security. I see her as the one who looks out for me. I never viewed her in that light prior to submitting. Because I have stepped back and relinquished leadership responsibilities I have become more dependent. I ask questions reflecting that attitude.
I ask the “Do you mind if I …..” and the “Is it OK if I …..” or the “May I ….. “ questions all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked, “Do you mind if I throw a load of wash in before we head out? Can I turn on the dishwasher now? Do you think I should mow the lawn before putting down grass seed? Do I have time to straighten up before we go? What color shirt would you like me to wear?”
I could go on and on. It all boils down to me being considerate. I don’t want to put her out. I want to do things her way. And after being this way for years, I have become more dependent on my wife. She decides. I usually don’t.
Maybe it is because she controls the finances. Maybe it’s because she decides how our sex life will play out. Maybe it’s because she tells me what chores need to be done this week. Maybe it’s because she tells me what she wants to eat in the week ahead before I plan the shopping list. Maybe it’s because all of this put together has caused our respective roles within our marriage to shift.
Our WLM marriage has also brought about a psychological shift as to how I view her. Although she continually tells me I make her feel safe and secure I would now contend she fills a security need for me that I didn’t have at the start of our relationship. The dependency created because I am her submissive has much to do with that. Like I mentioned at the start of this post, we often assume a personality that fits the role we hold.
Maybe female lead relationships bring out a man's gentler side; or at least a more considerate side. Maybe it forces him to be more vulnerable. Maybe it compels him to wrestle with parts of his personality the average Joe can suppress. So much of our life goes into putting on differing facades when around others. We act ‘this way’ when with our parents and ‘that way’ when with our childhood friends and still ‘another way’ when in a group where we know no one. There is a reason why we change. We do so because we are insecure. We do so because we feel a need to conform. We do so because we don't want to stand out. We do so for a myriad of reasons.
I don't know if Katie would completely agree but since she has become the head of our home she has been forced to be a stronger, more confident, more decisive version of herself. Although she still wants to feel my strength and security she has the added role of being responsible for my security. It’s a role assumed by the head of the household. It’s what a leader does. She decides; she wrestles with my issues; she guides our relationship; she maintains my submission. The result of it all is twofold: I’ve become more dependent because I have to trust and depend more while she has assumed a more independent role as that leader.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
One of the cool things about having a dominant wife is that she has little concern for boundaries with respect to my body. She knows she rules the roost and has come to realize that her word is my command. The other night I was quiet in bed and laying on my back.
“What are you thinking?” she asked.
Whatever I said made her feel as if I was being less than talkative. A few seconds later she tells me, “I want to lay on you.”
“OK, you’re the mistress.”
“Do you mind?”
“Whether I mind or not is not the issue. I’m your sub. You’re my mistress. Do what you want.”
And so she did. She climbed on me while I lay supine, her legs splayed on either side of mine and her shoulder pressed up under my chin. While she laid her head on my pillow and net to mine that shoulder up and under my chin pretty much pinned me in place. She didn’t ask if I was comfortable. I assumed she thought I was and to be honest it wasn’t too bad having her laying right there. While she rested I instinctively did what I know she loves. I began touching her body. My hands could reach most of the way down the back of her thighs. I gently and silently stroked and scratched her skin. She lay on me for what seemed like forever, eventually falling asleep.
Here I was living my role as her submissive simply by the fact that I was here under her. I don’t think she intended to lay on me to perk me up from my quiet mood. I know she likes to do this every now and again but this was her longest stint lying on me ever. Her presence on top was one of those unspoken reminders that I am here to serve her. In this case it was my body that she needed to lay on. It was my touch that wanted to relax her and eventually that touch caused her to fall asleep – on me.
I don’t know how long we laid like that but it was a long time – probably close to an hour. She slept and in time I fell asleep as well. She startled me when she finally slid off and turned away to get comfortable.
“Is your back bothering you?” she asked. Her words startled me.
“Then snuggle me.”
I smiled and did as I was told. It was such a nice chain of events that led us to sleep that night.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
It's been more than 3 weeks since Katie allowed me that long awaited release. I've had lots of random thoughts and feelings to consider since that Saturday morning. Part of me has struggled with the thought that I might have manipulated her into allowing me that orgasm. I didn’t nor do I ever want to resort to this kind of tactic. I would much rather have her intuitively notice when my emotions or personality changes (when I get moody) and then talk with me. My hope would be that she will notice confront me so that we can talk – so that she can understand – and then use that information as a guide as to how to best handle the various situations that arise. And I’m not saying that every time I feel down that the solution is a release. Most often it’s not. It may be that I just need to air thoughts in a safe environment with my mistress. It may be that I need her attention or affirmation more than I need a release. It might be that a release is indeed best. That will be her decision, not mine.
I've also had thoughts about myself as her submissive. I’ve gone through these array of emotions many times. I periodically get these incontrovertible revelations where the realization that I am an owned man – that I belong to another - becomes so vividly real. I am still amazed when I take time to think about it that I actually professed vows in which I promised to remain Katie’s. And at times part of me still struggles with the freedoms I’ve given up since becoming her submissive. Having to face that certain choices are not mine to make anymore can sometimes be difficult. The saying "be careful what you wish for" rings true here. Don’t take what I’m saying out of context. I’m not even suggesting I regret submitting to my wife. I don't regret, not for even an instant, that decision. It is what I want. It is what I live for! Yet there are times when I have to admit there is a kind of a quiet angst every now and then to not being able to do what I want, when I want. The feelings are inevitably transient but they are reminders to what was and to what now is. Once I get past that (and at the heart of them is always my selfishness – or laziness) I come out a better man. In part, that angst is the realization that I’ve entrusted much of my right to choose to Katie’s discretion.
For example: I could have easily taken my release into my own hands. I could have made it happen. I could have. I was tempted to do just that but I knew I couldn't. I just couldn’t. It would have been wrong. And so I struggled with a loss of that freedom. It hasn't been the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last yet still the struggle remained.
On the flip side of this loss of freedom is the upside of all I’ve gained. I get to see a wife taking charge. I get to be married to a woman whose self confidence has steadily grown and I personally find her growing confidence so attractive. Too many women lack self esteem and I’m lucky enough to watch hers steadily grow. I love it! I also get to see a mistress wrestle with how to equitably handle difficult situations. I get to see her lead. I get to feel her dominance. I get to admire her intellect and wisdom. I get to trust in her judgment. I get to hear her remind me that she really is my mistress; the one who has decided she is will be the one guiding me (and us). I get to lean on her. I get to support her. And I love obeying her.
Since that day in which she permitted me that release I have not felt those same feelings about our lovemaking – those feelings of being somewhat left out. Who in the world knows why they even came to mind? Instead I have clear memories of this morning. We made love. It was the best. I never had an inkling of a feeling that she would grant me a release but then again, I didn’t want one either. Was our lovemaking one sided? In some ways it surely was. She was the one that initiated it. She was the only one who climaxed. I definitely didn’t. Katie enjoys sex. She enjoys being physically close. She enjoys orgasms. She enjoys sharing that intimacy with me. Our closeness is a reflection of the health of our marriage. As things turned out, she allowed me to treat her to several orgasms and in that way it was one sided. Yet there was nothing I wished other than the hope of repeating that very experience again and again and again. It was completely satisfying to the both of us. (Just in different ways.)
What made it rewarding to me was my perspective on our time together. For me, sex is so much more than the physical feeling of being stimulated down there. It's why it's sometimes called making love. It’s a chance for me to express my love, become vulnerable and give my all to her. The act is an extension of how I feel about her. In our marriage I know our lovemaking is primarily about pleasing Katie and I want it remain that way.
I find it interesting how my feelings change so easily. Certain things get under my craw and when they do I have a hard time letting them go if I don't get my way. I think that goes back to what it really means to be submissive. It’s not always easy being doing what she wants. However, most of time it’s wonderful. 99% of the time it’s wonderful. It’s that 99% of the time that makes me never ever change who I am as her husband. It’s that other 1% that I am still learning how to deal with. And as so many of you have correctly pointed out, communication is the key to working through those 1%’s of life. I thank you all for your input, criticisms and encouragements. You all richly add both to this blog and to my life. Your comments always make me think – and I always pass them along to my mistress to read.
Have a wonderful week.
PS: On a completely different subject..... We were out shopping today. Katie saw this truck and commented, "does that guy have a small penis or what?"