Sunday, October 30, 2016

Feel, Know, Hope

For a month or so I was having lots of ‘feelings’ that I wrote about on this blog.  As an aside, the reason I wrote on that topic was purposeful. I didn’t want to give the impression that all of this submission and dominance stuff is always honky-dory. It’s not. Like all things in life there are ups and downs in whatever we do and for whatever reason I was having a bit of a downer time with regard to the length of time I was being denied.  And besides, I think blogs in which the author shares personal feelings and thoughts makes for better reading.  But I digress – somewhat.

I wanted to write about three common states of being: what we feel, know and hope. Around those three feelings much of life revolves and how we balance these three emotions plays a significant role in how one looks and feels about life.

I feel lots of things. Sad, happy, mad, angry, frustrated, giggly, submissive, loved, neglected, frustrated, tired, energetic, overwhelmed, bored, out of shape, old, invigorated, etc.  I’m sure you can plug in descriptors that depict how you feel today or have felt during the past week.  Emotions constantly bombard us and serve as the source of determining how we look at life. Some of us are governed by those feelings. Some push them aside and ignore the emotion of a situation or circumstance and press on with whatever one is doing.  We all handle, approach and respond to feelings differently.

But feelings are just that – a feeling. What is more significant is what we know. I know I am married. I know where I live. I know I have a job and what my responsibilities at work are. I know I need to cut the tree down in the back yard. I know I need to take out the trash weekly. I know I have to cook Katie breakfast and dinner. I know I have to get gas on the way home from work. I know who my favorite football team is playing on Sunday, what time the game is and what network is carrying the game :) (yes, some things must be known in great detail!).  I know I am Katie’s submissive. I know I can’t do something on Saturday without asking permission.  I know lots of stuff.

What I know is another one of those traits that helps both me and others form an impression of who I am.  It’s mostly objective data. What I know is based solidly on something: my employment, my residence, my responsibilities.  Neighbors and acquaintances can even glean this same knowledge if they watch me observantly. They know who mows the grass. They know who takes out the trash. If they were in Katie’s house they would know who does/doesn’t do what. They know what time I leave and come home for work and if they followed me would know where I work. 

What they don’t know is how I feel about all I do. That’s the subjective part of life. They don’t know how I feel about mowing the lawn – whether I enjoy or dislike it; whether I feel tired or am loving getting out of the house to get a little exercise; whether I’m bored or occupying my mind thinking about how grand sex was this morning or about the next post that has only somewhat taken shape inside my brain.  They can’t see the feeling, thinking part of me.

Likewise, they have no idea what my hopes are. And I do hope. I hope my grandchildren grow up healthy and safe. I hope my children remain loved and cared for. I hope they live a long and rewarding life. I hope their marriages and my marriage lasts until ‘death do us part’. I hope to spend many more years cognitively alert with Katie and be able to travel and spend our golden years in love. I hope to retire sooner rather than later. I hope Katie becomes even more comfortable leading with each passing day. I hope to go to Alaska, the Louisiana bayou and to visit Yosemite, Glacier National Park, Brice Canyon and other places I would love to spend time at. I hope my car lasts another few years before it bites the dust from old age. 

Hopes are the illusive part of life. Our hopes may become knowledge, meaning I may know what it feels like to stand on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon if I go there. My hope of seeing it might be something I someday know.  Hope gives us something to look forward to. It gives us something to strive for. It helps us focus beyond the here and now. Hope can be especially rewarding if there is some basis for which to hope that one’s hope will become a reality.  My hope to remain happily married to my wife is a happy thought because of how I feel about her and what I know about our relationship both now and in the past. Nothing comes to mind that would mar my hope of remaining deeply in love for years to come.  I might hope to go elk hunting (not something I really have on my bucket list) but if I did, I doubt very much I’d ever go elk hunting since Katie has forbidden me to hunt just for the sake of killing an animal.  There’s a difference in those two hopes.

So where am I going with all this? I’m not sure :). I can try to personalize this to being a submissive or to those living within a WLM/FLR but I’ll let you do that.  Instead, I’ll simply point out that how we balance what we feel, know and hope determines to a large degree our level of contentment with life.  When I was writing all of those posts that gave the reader the feeling of “it must suck to be him” feelings, I allowed my negative feelings to permeate most everything I did for a few weeks. It wasn’t healthy and looking back on that time I see know how I lost sight of what I knew. Katie loves me. Katie cares for me. Katie is doing the very thing I asked her to do (e.g., deny me). This is only about an orgasm. This is not about me surviving cancer. I had lost perspective. I needed to regain it and eventually did and in part, did so when Katie allowed me an earlier than expected release. 

Some of you may feel as if your FLR is falling apart. Some may ache because they can’t find someone to share such a relationship and worry they may never.  Those can be big and worrisom feelings and ones that need to be addressed.  I’m not saying you will get what you want. I didn’t get the kind of WLM that I thought I’d get but I am quite content with the version that came to be – and probably happier that I didn’t get what I initially hoped for.

I hope you will evaluate your life, especially with your partner. I hope you can take time to assess your feelings, both good and bad, that you feel free to discuss those feelings with others; that you are content with where you are in life and if not, that you will  make strides to move to a better place. I hope you have hopes that come to be reality. But I also wish for you not to have all you feel, and hope become reality for then there will be nothing for which you to hope for in the future. One should never get all they want. What fun would Christmas be if that wish came true? There would be nothing to hope for next year and besides, I think it’s healthy to deal with some disappointment.

Self-analysis is a healthy undertaking. I hope you will take time to assess your current state. Take time to just ‘be’. Get away from the tube. Go mow the lawn and think. Go take a walk and think. Go paddle down some quiet stream or take a hike or bike ride where you can be alone and think about all you have, all you hope for, all you worry about, and all that is. I want to say – and be thankful. I hope you can come to that conclusion and indeed be thankful.

I’m Hers


  1. By the time I finished reading your post, I did indeed feel as if you were almost writing directly to me. I felt the sincerity in suggesting readers to take stock so to speak, and find the time and space to do so without distraction. Thank you I'm Hers. For the wise and heartfelt suggestion. I "feel" as if I "know" how genuine you are in your self-analysis suggestion. By your having shared so much about your and Katie's relationship, I feel like we readers are a little bit more in the know that you described and are able to attach your feelings to that which you write. It's why I will always keep coming back as long as you are blogging.

    I have a young and growing WLM, we've by no means settled in. Even so there is much contentment and happiness. We have struggles like any marriage would have but I believe the wife led parameters we have set simplifies much. How I deal with the "funks" I might find myself in from time to time, kind of like what you were describing, is probably the most substantial thing I need to overcome. I am getting better at it, happily coinciding with Queen J's growing confidence in her leading role.

    I offer you guys my hopes that your hopes are fulfilled and continue to expand.


  2. Wonderful post. Resonates with me about life and just what it is all about. I have similar thoughts quite frequently......assessing and re-assessing where I am inside....content, happy, or missing aspects of the same with my marriage relationship. Sometimes it is very, very good, and I am at peace....others I seem very discontented....because of nothing in particular....just a state of mind. But the key I believe is to see life for all the positives....and motivate oneself to continue to learn, reach, and grow, to find that sweet spot once again. No matter what your age or position in life. Thanks, you are very wise and insightful man.

  3. Siting at a cafe having breakfast and saw your post loved it so true in every aspect also not it is sometimes better to enjoy the relationship we have rather than crave something that if we had may not be what we thought it would be.In reading your post you resonate so many of my thoughts many thanks to you both