Sunday, October 16, 2016

Need and Security

Some have said that we become the people we are partly because of the positions and roles we hold in life.  Our personalities change to some degree when we are asked to lead, follow, teach, help others during tragedies, comfort, etc.  I believe this happens with the partners engaged in a relationship. The personalities of both the wife and the husband change – at least somewhat - because of that agreed-upon dynamic. Those living in a vanilla relationship act differently than when single or when a part of a wife led marriage.

Prior to our wife led marriage I would have told you that my primary role-or one of my significant roles - was to provide security for Katie. I viewed her as a precious gift (and still do) and one in which it was my job to make sure she was protected and secure.

Since becoming her submissive and since giving up decision making power and becoming a non-decision making entity in our relationship my role to make her feel secure has changed somewhat. Yes she still wants me to take care of her and yes she loves when I make her feel safe but the perspective about which I am arriving at those same objectives has changed.  Before it was from a position of authority.

“Stand behind me and I’ll take care of this.”  “Katie, get in the car. I’ll handle this.”  Back then I protected her from the assumption that if I told her to do something she’d do it.  That was before. Now things are different.  Now there is an almost unspoken understanding that she is responsible for me. I do the chores she wishes not to do. I fetch things for her. I ask several times a day, “Is there anything I can get for you Sweetheart?” or,”Is there anything I can do for you Mistress?” As a result of living as her submissive – and what I mean by that is living for several years in a relationship in which we both know she’s the one who makes most of the household decisions – I have come to rely on her more she depends on me less.  Should situations arise where I need to protect Katie I’ll still say take the initiative to protect her but my words will reflect who I am to her. “Why don’t you let me take care of this,” or “Don’t you think I should handle this why you wait in the car?”

The results are the same but the attitude in which I am approaching the situation differs.  I will protect her but not because I’m the alpha. I protect because I am the ‘beta’ – the submissive - whose role it is to look out for and anticipate her needs. The outcome is the same but way I get there is now different.

I am certain that my need for Katie has grown over the years. I don’t see myself as being any weaker but rather more dependent. I see her as my source of security. I see her as the one who looks out for me. I never viewed her in that light prior to submitting. Because I have stepped back and relinquished leadership responsibilities I have become more dependent. I ask questions reflecting  that attitude.

I ask the “Do you mind if I …..” and the “Is it OK if I …..” or the  “May I ….. “ questions all the time.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked, “Do you mind if I throw a load of wash in before we head out? Can I turn on the dishwasher now? Do you think I should mow the lawn before putting down grass seed? Do I have time to straighten up before we go? What color shirt would you like me to wear?”

I could go on and on.  It all boils down to me being considerate.  I don’t want to put her out. I want to do things her way.  And after being this way for years, I have become more dependent on my wife. She decides. I usually don’t.
Maybe it is because she controls the finances. Maybe it’s because she decides how our sex life will play out. Maybe it’s because she tells me what chores need to be done this week. Maybe it’s because she tells me what she wants to eat in the week ahead before I plan the shopping list. Maybe it’s because all of this put together has caused our respective roles within our marriage to shift.

Our WLM marriage has also brought about a psychological shift as to how I view her. Although she continually tells me I make her feel safe and secure I would now contend she fills a security need for me that I didn’t have at the start of our relationship. The dependency created because I am her submissive has much to do with that.  Like I mentioned at the start of this post, we often assume a personality that fits the role we hold.

Maybe female lead relationships bring out a man's gentler side; or at least a more considerate side. Maybe it forces him to be more vulnerable. Maybe it compels him to wrestle with parts of his personality the average Joe can suppress. So much of our life goes into putting on differing facades when around others. We act ‘this way’ when with our parents and ‘that way’ when with our childhood friends and still ‘another way’ when in a group where we know no one. There is a reason why we change. We do so because we are insecure. We do so because we feel a need to conform. We do so because we don't want to stand out. We do so for a myriad of reasons.

I don't know if Katie would completely agree but since she has become the head of our home she has been forced to be a stronger, more confident, more decisive version of herself. Although she still wants to feel my strength and security she has the added role of being responsible for my security. It’s a role assumed by the head of the household. It’s what a leader does. She decides; she wrestles with my issues; she guides our relationship; she maintains my submission. The result of it all is twofold: I’ve become more dependent because I have to trust and depend more while she has assumed a more independent role as that leader.

I’m Hers


  1. Honey, that was another beautiful, well written post. There was the time when John and I were walking in the back part of the quarter when two men approved us. I was scared to death, but the look John gave them made them realize that their might just be easier targets and they passed on. Physically, John has always been my protector. When he is by my side I feel safe no matter where we are. In that sense he is a man's man, and I love him for it. On the other hand he looks to me for guidance in almost every aspect of daily life. He is sweet and kind, and loves the feeling of wearing my collar around his neck. He wants to know-the assurance-that he is owned.

    For the outside world John has worn many faces from that of a construction engineer to that of a military officer. He has also worn the face of a father ,and has handled those responsibilities. To some extent these are all faces that he 'puts on' and 'takes off'. Deep down there is another face. It is his real face. It is the face of a deeply loving, submissive man. It is a face that had been covered for many years, but it had always been there. The face had been hidden from me and from everyone else for most of his life. Yet, it is his real face. It was not a face that he could put on or take off. As a submissive man in a FLM John is now free to show that real face to his family. Like you he is now free to ask things like 'should I wash this blouse or bring it to the cleaners', 'do you want me to clean the guest bathroom before our friends come', of 'is there anything else you need, mistress'
    Wearing his true face out in front where it can be seen allows him the privilege of being who his is. He is free to kneel at my feet. He is free to kiss my feet. John once told me that he thought my feet were beautiful and for so many years he yearned to kiss them. This, however, was not expected of a so called real man. Now the real man, the man showing the real face is free to be who he is.

    What I suspect is many of your readers are like my John. For many years these men have covered their true face with a fake face that is more acceptable for society. There are places where we all need to this. However, when a man comes home to his wife and family he needs the freedom to be who he really is regardless of what society may think of him. It is a shame that so many men fear rejection from their wives. It is a shame that they are afraid to show their real, inner face to the woman who loves them. I admire you so much for having the courage to open your self to Katie. And, I admire her for having the courage for accepting your gift of submission. For what ever reason most women reject men who want to give them a gift of submission. In a sense a wife can serve her man by becoming his mistress. This is what Katie is doing. Very few women are naturally dominant. We learn to put on the face of a mistress for the benefit of our guy. Some of us learn to wear that face and some of us do not.

    Love Kathy

    1. Kathy, thank you for all the advice, encouragement and wisdom. I remember that story of the two of you in the quarter and how John kept you safe - simply by his presence with you. Life on the outside and life within the home can be completely different and like you noted - it is so nice to be able to be the real me when home with my mistress. Blessings to you both from Katie and I.

  2. As always great post.Interesting that you mentioned the alfa beta because about a month ago I found a quiz that was made by Dr Sonya Rhodes about a personality test so my wife and I both took it.It was an interesting test my wife shows she was a high alfa and I showed high beta. The interesting thing I thought was the had the question are you dominant and my wife answered without hesitation yes which I already knew but hearing her say it just confirmed it to me. It also said we are compatible of course we figured that out 22 years ago lol.I think we both feel security with each other just in different ways. But after the quiz it really shows we were meant for each other. RR

    1. I'm going to look into that quiz. Without knowing, I wonder if I am more the alpha than Katie. It's just a hunch but we'll have to see how it turns out. Glad to hear you are doing well with the misses. Keep up the good submission to your wife of 22 yrs!

  3. Nothing profound to add other than words of praise. The simple clarity with which you share profound insights is wonderful! With humility and grace you open up your personal life in ways that enrich us all. To write dutifully and truthfully, year after year, always faithful and steadfast, is so highly commendable. And to think that you offer all this for free! You are a wonderful man! A great man! A pioneer in so many ways. Thank you so very much.

    There is a little testy voice inside me that whispers, "Oh, I could do better than that." But in your case, I don't think I could. It's all in your balance. Without ever trying to be erotic, your prose drip with sexual passion. You speak with authority, but are never bossy. You point to what you say and do, but you don't point to yourself. It is remarkable how you do this! Rightly so, you elevate the Women we serve, but you don't objectify them, if that makes sense. You and Katie come across so real. So healthy. With clear, healthy boundaries. Have you ever thought about a book? Say, out of the hundreds of posts, your best 75, with some filler commentary to explain to the Vanillas what's going on. Just a thought.

    It's kind of like telling Michelangelo to keep painting. . . but keep up the good work. You are much appreciated.

  4. Thank you anonymous, I needed those words of encouragement. Your comment about a book has not gone unheard. I was thinking about that very thing this morning while taking a shower. I think if I do it will be some time as that seems like a gigantic undertaking but it may be a project for some future date. Thanks again for sharing.

  5. Thank you so much John for this post. I am so happy to read true real life flr from people that trust, love and interact like this. I am a sponge right now and learning alot from this. You really know how to put it on paper. Thank you. I am trying to step back and ask for approval and guildance on things. I will try baby steps. I really did put tomuch to fast on her but we are talking about it and moving forward. Its tough though. I look for her approval about everything and kinda feel like a brat if i dont get it or does not understand that i am looking for it. I am very submissive in the sence that i enjoy following her lead. Its hard for me right now though. I am still learn to follow the way she wants and needs me to. Ill get there. Thank you. Please keep posting good advice and true feelings.