Saturday, October 1, 2016

Thoughts on the Last Few Posts

It's been more than 3 weeks since Katie allowed me that long awaited release. I've had lots of random thoughts and feelings to consider since that Saturday morning. Part of me has struggled with the thought that I might have manipulated her into allowing me that orgasm. I didn’t nor do I ever want to resort to this kind of tactic. I would much rather have her intuitively notice when my emotions or personality changes (when I get moody) and then talk with me. My hope would be that she will notice confront me so that we can talk – so that she can understand – and then use that information as a guide as to how to best handle the various situations that arise. And I’m not saying that every time I feel down that the solution is a release. Most often it’s not. It may be that I just need to air thoughts in a safe environment with my mistress. It may be that I need her attention or affirmation more than I need a release. It might be that a release is indeed best. That will be her decision, not mine.

I've also had thoughts about myself as her submissive. I’ve gone through these array of emotions many times. I periodically get these incontrovertible revelations where the realization that I am an owned man – that I belong to another - becomes so vividly real. I am still amazed when I take time to think about it that I actually professed vows in which I promised to remain Katie’s. And at times part of me still struggles with the freedoms I’ve given up since becoming her submissive. Having to face that certain choices are not mine to make anymore can sometimes be difficult. The saying "be careful what you wish for" rings true here. Don’t take what I’m saying out of context. I’m not even suggesting I regret submitting to my wife. I don't regret, not for even an instant, that decision. It is what I want. It is what I live for! Yet there are times when I have to admit there is a kind of a quiet angst every now and then to not being able to do what I want, when I want. The feelings are inevitably transient but they are reminders to what was and to what now is. Once I get past that (and at the heart of them is always my selfishness – or laziness) I come out a better man. In part, that angst is the realization that I’ve entrusted much of my right to choose to Katie’s discretion.

For example: I could have easily taken my release into my own hands. I could have made it happen. I could have. I was tempted to do just that but I knew I couldn't. I just couldn’t. It would have been wrong. And so I struggled with a loss of that freedom. It hasn't been the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last yet still the struggle remained.

On the flip side of this loss of freedom is the upside of all I’ve gained. I get to see a wife taking charge. I get to be married to a woman whose self confidence has steadily grown and I personally find her growing confidence so attractive. Too many women lack self esteem and I’m lucky enough to watch hers steadily grow. I love it! I also get to see a mistress wrestle with how to equitably handle difficult situations. I get to see her lead. I get to feel her dominance. I get to admire her intellect and wisdom. I get to trust in her judgment. I get to hear her remind me that she really is my mistress; the one who has decided she is will be the one guiding me (and us). I get to lean on her. I get to support her. And I love obeying her.

Since that day in which she permitted me that release I have not felt those same feelings about our lovemaking – those feelings of being somewhat left out. Who in the world knows why they even came to mind? Instead I have clear memories of this morning. We made love. It was the best. I never had an inkling of a feeling that she would grant me a release but then again, I didn’t want one either. Was our lovemaking one sided? In some ways it surely was. She was the one that initiated it. She was the only one who climaxed. I definitely didn’t. Katie enjoys sex. She enjoys being physically close. She enjoys orgasms. She enjoys sharing that intimacy with me. Our closeness is a reflection of the health of our marriage. As things turned out, she allowed me to treat her to several orgasms and in that way it was one sided. Yet there was nothing I wished other than the hope of repeating that very experience again and again and again. It was completely satisfying to the both of us. (Just in different ways.)

What made it rewarding to me was my perspective on our time together. For me, sex is so much more than the physical feeling of being stimulated down there. It's why it's sometimes called making love. It’s a chance for me to express my love, become vulnerable and give my all to her. The act is an extension of how I feel about her. In our marriage I know our lovemaking is primarily about pleasing Katie and I want it remain that way.

I find it interesting how my feelings change so easily. Certain things get under my craw and when they do I have a hard time letting them go if I don't get my way. I think that goes back to what it really means to be submissive. It’s not always easy being doing what she wants. However, most of time it’s wonderful. 99% of the time it’s wonderful. It’s that 99% of the time that makes me never ever change who I am as her husband. It’s that other 1% that I am still learning how to deal with.  And as so many of you have correctly pointed out, communication is the key to working through those 1%’s of life.  I thank you all for your input, criticisms and encouragements. You all richly add both to this blog and to my life. Your comments always make me think – and I always pass them along to my mistress to read. 
Have a wonderful week.

I'm hers



PS: On a completely different subject..... We were out shopping today. Katie saw this truck and commented, "does that guy have a small penis or what?"


6 comments:

  1. IH,
    It has been interesting reading your last few posts. I can identify with "Part of me has struggled with the thought that I might have manipulated her into". That is one of my fears, that I might sway too much what she wants. Angst arises in me when I wonder if she is responding or directing. Or course, I want her to love me, take care of me, and be considerate of my wants but , I desire to put her wants first. She has decided to take us to that next shelf up the mountain, that next step in our journey. This is what we long for, their leadership in the direction they want. With it though, comes a little uncertainty, a little angst. Not with her leadership but, have I unduly manipulated her. Does she really desire this? This is where we, or more importantly I, am learning to talk and to listen. The communication is very important. We need to share our wants and our fears. To leave our wives uninformed is a disservice and a failure on our part. I think it is that balance, that crossing the line between informing and manipulation that we fear. But, ultimately it is my job to inform her and then to trust her decision for us.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your thoughts echo mine. I want her to decide and yet we have a relationship. She is interested in what I have to say and I know my input has value. Whether or not that input has "too" much of an influence is what I hope doesnt' happen. I want her to do what she wants - even if it is not what I'd opt for.

    But you know DLsKnight, whether my opinion/thoughts become manipulative is really up to her. It's her choice if she allows that to happen. Personally I don't think it does. She's pretty committed to lead and doing things her way and it sounds as if DL has a similar mindset.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What I believe is that some submissive men are simply afraid to talk with their wives. It is easier for them to bow their heads a little and simply say 'as you wish, mistress'. They also have the view that mistress knows better. The simple truth is that we have a slightly different prospect on things, but we are human. We can't read minds and we can get things wrong. Every couple should have a special time to talk, to communicate, and maybe just look each other in the eyes.
    Most submissive men have good hearts. They want to please the lady in the life, but often don't really know how to it. And yes, the freedoms!
    I suspect most men miss the freedoms they had in the past. It can be the simple things such as spending money without permission, going out for a drive, or touching themselves in that special place. Yet, in femdom they gain so more. They live with a lady who owns them, and they get to serve her. And yes, serving a lady and being owned by her is so very special that the rewards are what men live for. Yes, baby, I tell John, you did good today and that will always bring a happy smile to his face. There is a secret for all of you. Sometimes we like to let men thing they are manipulating us. What I suspect is that if given the choice very few of you if any would trade your leash and collar for freedom. Love, Kathy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In some ways I agree with you but I believe how forward a husband is with respect to expressing concerns probably depends on the husband. I tend to not be someone that keeps it all in - at least not forever. It might be that because we submissives are who we are (status wise), we assume a posture of obedience and keeping our traps zipped up when it comes to not getting our way. For that reason, I agree that it's important that the mistress provide a means for those thoughts to be expressed openly and honestly when asked. I have always liked your talk-time on your chair with John at your feet. I'm sure it is a special time for him and for you as well. Hope you two are well.

      Delete
  4. Sometimes all we need is to be "heard". One of the best pieces of advice I received upon entering my retail management career, (which I'm so glad to say I've moved on from!) was to listen. When there was a customer with a grief or complaint the best thing to to is to let them get it all out. Don't constantly interject or try to direct the conversation but just let them voice all that they have to say. Once that was done it was much easier to come to a mutual understanding or remedy. I'm not suggesting that you needed to really vent to Katie, but you did need to be heard and listened to.

    Although it may have taken some time, you guys communicated through a bit of a rough spot and came out on the other side strengthened, continuing in the closeness and dedication to what you are to each other.

    Isn't loving Female leadership a wonderful thing!? Thanks for the insightful post I'm Hers.

    sublove

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sublove, yes, a female led relationship is indeed wonderful. I think the wisdom imparted to you by whomever encouraged you to just listen was a wise person themselves. So much of customer service has to do with making the other person feel important. Listening is one very important way to do just that. Thanks for sharing sublove.

      Delete