Friday, May 12, 2017

Why doing what I am told to do is important

In the previous post I discussed my views on dominance and submission. My primary tenet was that submission really is about following orders and following the path the dominant partner takes in the relationship. Submission is about pleasing her even if it means sometimes – or maybe often – the submissive doesn’t derive pleasure from the choices she makes. I didn’t say I don’t find her leadership pleasurable but the fact that do or don’t is irrelevant to the definition of who a submissive is. The dominant partner is the one who decides. She is the one who dictates the responsibilities the submissive will and/or won’t have in the relationship. She’s the one that directs the relationship, makes decisions, determines what she wants from him and determines what she believes is best for him as her acquired property. Underlying this power-dynamic is love. A relationship cannot exist (indefinitely) if love is not present. I say this because in my relationship, I have never doubted Katie’s love for me, or my love for her even though I may not have agreed with every choice she has made as my dominant.

So, why is it important for me to keep doing what she says besides the obvious answer of ‘this is what submissives do’? For me, it has to do with my level of submission. I believe that Lady Grey, the woman who encouraged me to adhere to the mantra of doing what I am told, would agree that I am not the most compliant of submissives. I’m not bad. I don’t intentionally try to rock the boat but I have done my best to sway Katie into becoming the kind of dominant I want to serve.  Despite my efforts, my pressures haven’t worked all that well (although I still have hope she will feel free enough to try new and different things). If nothing else, seeing her experiment is a reflection of the level of confidence she has a dominant within our marriage. It speaks to the freedom she has to try this or that, knowing I will not stand in her way because of my professed desire to yield.

But whether she does or doesn’t is a topic for a different post. My ongoing issue has been, and continues to be, my will. My will is strong. Katie has never really broken it and (in my opinion) it needs to be broken. I know that it does. I know that I will be a better husband if she helps me get to that point. What I doubt is Katie's understanding of how breaking my will will enable me to be a better, more loving, and more serving husband and submissive.

When we married I stated in my vow that 'I would embrace her decisions'. I have failed in that attempt too many times to count. I like things done my way. When she makes decision that align with my thinking, things go well. It’s when she has a different view that I naturally want to confront and ask why. That attitude is not one of embracing. Rather, it’s the polar opposite. It’s me telling her in so many words: I don’t like that idea. Now it’s not like she is opposed to me voicing my opinion and believe me, I am not one to keep my mouth shut. But after talking about ‘said topic’, I’m not always the best at ‘embracing’ something I wish for her to do differently. And therein lies the problem.

I’m not submitting when I rebel. Oh I am technically submitting. I end up caving and outwardly doing what she wants. I’m not so stupid to disobey and violate house rule #1 (always obey Mistress), but my heart hasn’t submitted. Many times I will do things begrudgingly. I’m not truly submitting when I do something unwillingly. And I’m surely not embracing her leadership. In fact, I am violating my marriage covenant by not embracing her decisions and loving her with all my heart, soul, mind and body.

The trouble with my attitude over the years is: I wonder if I have indeed hindered Katie’s development as a mistress? I so desperately need to feel her leadership and wonder if my attitude has been counter-productive to her growth as a mistress. More than anything I want to know she is in control of not just us BUT OF ME. I need to consciously know I don’t have a free reign to do what I want. For me, she can show no greater love than by reminding me through word and deed that I am hers – owned, bound and here to serve. To have her demonstrate this through word or deed is akin to her screaming ‘I love you!!!!’.  It really is. I need to be told this is how it will be or this is what I want you to do, regardless of whether or not it appears convenient, easy or sensitive. Having me serve reinforces my submission and remember, that is what I wanted in the first place – to submit, to serve, to obey, to be the one there to take care of her and her needs.

Doing what I am told is important because my will needs breaking. That doesn’t mean she needs me to be some spineless husband who no longer expresses his own thoughts. Rather, I know I need to be broken because of the longterm benefit of our relationship. Remember, the purpose of me submitting was to deepen our bond. It was to allow me to become a better husband and mate. It was to keep me away from vices I know I am sometimes tempted and need another power (Katie’s authority – and a healthy fear of her) to avoid those temptations. You might say part of my submission is because I know I am weak in certain aspects of my life and need to feel that dominant leash reminding me, ‘don’t even think about it’.

So for now, my hope is Katie will provide me innumerable opportunities to obey and I will follow her orders and do so with the proper attitude. Even after all of these years of serving as her submissive sometimes feel as if I am in my ‘submissive infancy’. I still need to learn. I still need to come to a better understanding of what it really means to submit. I need to embrace when situations arise and my instincts tell me to rebel. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there but I at least know this is an issue that I and Katie need to continually address.

I’m Hers

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

"Just do what you're told"

"Just do what you're told." Lady Grey made that statement in a post-comment a few months back and since that time I have literally repeated that phrase to myself a hundred different times. Each time I silently told myself, "just do what she tells you," I thought about our relationship and who it is that I am and who it is that Katie is at our most fundamental level. I am her submissive and she is my dominant wife.
Seven years ago I asked Katie if she would allow me to submit to her as the head of our home. Seven years ago I asked if she would assume leadership and take control of me and our relationship. After much discussion she hesitantly agreed to my proposals. So what was it that I asked her to do? In a nutshell I asked if she would permit me to give up control (one of the banes of my personality and one that I believe contributed to the failure of my marriage - and a trait I sincerely wanted to rid myself of).  In doing so I agreed to follow. I agreed to obey. I agreed to allow her to lead us in the way she felt was best. I agreed to a wife-led-marriage.
During the months that followed my hesitant leader slowly found her stride. Living in a relationship in which she had the freedom to tell me what she wanted was just as much of a struggle for her to feel free in asserting her will as it was for me to let go. I propped her up so many times and still do but to a much lesser extent. With the leadership she accepted (and one I asked her take), came the task of delegating responsibilities to me. Mostly she wanted my help around the home and so came the chores of vacuuming and keeping the bedroom and bathroom in order as well as doing the weekly wash. She has never enjoyed cooking even though she did it for years and so with my submission came that responsibility as well. The kitchen became my new home. She told me she expected me to be a gentleman and as a result I began doing those little things that considerate men do. I opened doors. I carried her shopping bags, I waited for her to decide when we should leave to go home, I started keeping her appointment book and reminding her of commitments, I intentionally sat beside her, I touched, stroked, rubbed and caressed her body often because she loves being touched. I snuggle her tight every night. I do myriad other similar acts of kindness that demonstrate my gratitude. 

Katie wanted to take control of our finances and so shortly after making that decision I went to the payroll department at work and changed the account into which my earnings were deposited.  Sex was another change that took place and one that I wrote a bit about in the last post. In general, sex became something we did when and how she wanted. She enjoys the denial part of my sexuality and so our times spent intimately entwined is pretty much about her satisfaction although I have come to enjoy those times as equally special. I asked to be locked and she agreed to keep me locked whenever we are apart and sometimes when we aren't - e.g., weekends.
What I’m driving at here is: I got what I asked for. I asked for a leader and I got one. I asked if she would take our marriage in the direction she wanted and she has. I offered to give up whatever power I had in the relationship and she agreed to take it. As a result of our power exchange I was told I would be taking on additional chores and I have long since assumed those responsibilities. I was told I needed to change certain attitudes, to expect things to be handled differently and to maintain an attitude of deference toward her - and I have. What I didn’t get was a wife who was inclined to be kinky. She isn’t and I don’t think she ever will be. I didn’t get a wife who enjoys teasing me sexually or one that wants to spank me or one who even likes to talk about my submission or her dominance. I didn’t get any of that but I did get a wife that has no intention of ever giving me free reign of the checkbook, or one that will choose to have sex on my terms, or one who will let me take control of the TV remote, or one who will ever be the cook or laundry girl, or one that will ever allow me 'out' of my marriage vow of forever living in submission to her. I got myself a leader; a loving leader; and one who has accepted my submission - but did so on her terms. 
So what am I to do? I think the answer is quite simple and straightforward. I need to hold to my end of the bargain and in essence I need to ‘do what I am told to do’.  Isn't that what I asked of her way back when? Didn't I ask to give up control? Didn't I ask for her to lead and do things her way? Isn't that what submission is... giving up, letting go, obeying, yielding, obeying orders? Katie has never been one to write down rules but I know one rule she intuitively expects of me is to ‘obey my wife’. 
What I have come to see since Lady Grey made that thought-provoking comment was just how much grief I was giving my mistress by not keeping my mouth shut and doing what she wanted. A few days ago we took a lengthy trip. In my mind I had hoped we'd get to our destination but some hours into our trip a strong storm rolled in. “We need to stop soon; don’t you think?” she said more than asked. I didn’t respond and kept driving (because I wanted to get to our destination). A few minutes later lightning struck and the rain intensified. “We need to get off at the next exit. Get off up there so we can find a place to stay for the night.” Now I didn’t want to stop but I did what I was told. I relented without pressuring her to do what I wanted.  

A few days later we were involved in a big project at home. We had torn so much stuff out of boxes and everything was a mess but we were slowly getting things back in order. Several hours into the project she suddenly stated, “I want all of this moved downstairs.”  I couldn’t believe it! Internally I groaned and rolled my eyes. All I wanted was to be done. I couldn't believe she wanted to do something that would require so much more work. That’s when that comment came to mind: “Just do what you are told”. I gave in. "Yes Mistress. I'll do whatever you want," I answered.  We moved everything from ‘here’ to ‘there’ and although it indeed was a lot of work, we got it done and it looks great!

“So where do you want to eat? I’m starving,” she asked. Now normally I’d defer and tell her 'where ever you want' but again, that phrase haunted me. So instead of telling her I didn’t care, I answered her question. I mentioned a restaurant and love frequenting and she agreed my choice was a good idea. 

Just this morning we were discussing the itinerary for an upcoming multi-day trip. I had an idea but she shot it down because she didn’t think it would work. And so my idea isn’t what we will do. Again, I thought, “just do what you are told. You voiced your opinion and she didn’t want to do it so just shut up and do what she says.” I didn't  push my idea further. I'm her sub and she's in charge. 
I’m doing what I’m told. I’m living my life according to her vision of how she views our femdom marriage. It no longer is in my power to shape our marriage the way I envision it, but then again, I didn’t ask for her to do things my way. I asked her to take charge and lead as she saw fit. I asked if I could follow. And so I’m following although that path isn’t necessarily the one I expected we’d take. But that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path. It’s just a different one and one I am happy to tote along behind.
I’m Hers

Thursday, April 13, 2017

You Can Come

I don’t hear those words often but she said them this morning while we were making love. After having two orgasms she told me, “you can come”.

It’s such an odd thing for me to hear. Now don’t get me wrong, I love it when she lets me, but my typical mode is to maintain staying power until she and I are through and she has had enough pleasure for one morning (or evening). My job is to avoid getting the urge of getting too close and thereby ruining her time prematurely. For me personally, if I do get near the edge there is usually no turning back, so I’ve found it best to just not let my body go there.

After we finished today and while we were still embraced, my attention was drawn to a picture on the far wall. I thought back to times past when I had to center my thoughts on that picture with all of my conscious effort in an effort to keep my urges from getting the best of me.  Back in the old days I had a difficult time refraining from climaxing. The only way was to either stop or think about something completely different than what we were doing  and often times I use that picture as the distraction I needed to keep my body from losing complete control. Most of the time one of those techniques worked, but it there were several occasions when it became impossibly difficult to refrain.

But how things have changed in the years since. Our new routine (with her standing orders to not come) slowly changed my response. The process was a slow one. Having spent my entire adult life with one goal in mind when making love (to ejaculate), it took many times spent in intimacy to change my practiced biological impulse. I had to figure out how to avoid doing the very thing I had done for decades and changing that was not an easy process. I guess you could call what happened an example of behavioral modification.

After becoming her submissive my reward while making love changed and with it so did what I was to expect whenever we had sex. No longer was it about me reaching orgasm but rather about me finding satisfaction through her orgasms and the pleasure she received while we were together. No longer was it about me satisfying me, but rather me being the source of her enjoyment. No longer was it about me being a one-and-done guy. Instead it became me being the source of her three, four, five or six climaxes.

After making love two or three times every week for several months my body’s instincts changed. I realized, almost after the fact, that I could go longer with more stimulation and not lose control. Now I can last a half hour although  she doesn't typically spend that much time  enjoying me before stopping.

So today, when she told me I could come, my thought was, “well that aint happening any time soon.”  I had to change gears, change my focus. No longer was it about how long I could go without coming but about me not taking too long before I did what she wanted.

Our time today was great. There’s nothing better than making love with the love of my life. I have no idea when she’ll let me come again but that doesn’t mean every time between now and then won’t be just as loving, just as exciting, just as erotic and equally satisfying. Sex for me isn’t about seeking that three-second ‘wow’ feeling but about sharing her joy the entire time we are close. Sex has become so nice since seeing it as a change to give rather than get and to be perfectly honest, I love it this way.

I’m Hers

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Emotional Labor

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post. Lady Grey, a fellow blogger commented and gently admonished me for over thinking life as Katie's submissive. She believes I over think things too much when it comes to me submitting and suggested I simply do what I’m told. And so for the past week or two I’ve done that (mostly :). There were more than a few times when Katie voiced her wishes that I repeated silently, “Just do what she says. Just do what she says. Just do what she says.” I’m sure I repeated that mantra aloud a few times too and could feel Katie’s smile coming through the phone.

Did I feel more submissive? Nope. Did I expect to feel differently? Nope. Will I keep doing this? Yep. Is there a reason why I’ll keep doing what I’m told? Yep. Am I going to tell you why? Yep. I’m going to do what she tells me because I made a promise that I would. That alone should be enough. 

Two weeks ago I happened to catch an interview on the radio. The topic was 'emotional labor’. The guest explained what this phrase meant. I hadn’t heard the phrase before and it piqued my interest. 

The gist of what she had to say was this: All of us invest a certain amount of energy into performing physical tasks throughout our day. Cleaning, preparing meals, work responsibilities, getting the kids ready in the morning, straightening the house, mowing the lawn, going out on a date, etc. Those physical tasks tax our energy reserves to some degree. Beyond the stuff that comprises our day is all of the emotional energy we put into those tasks as well as unrelated thoughts and feelings that have the potential to exhaust us. Interactions with others, worrying about how much it will cost to have the dishwasher fixed, not knowing if the Amazon package will arrive in time, getting stressed because the freaking traffic light isn’t turning green (I hate red traffic lights), having to sit at lunch with people you barely know and make conversation, worrying over a dear friend struggling with her health, marital stress - the list could go on and on.  All of this ‘stuff’ is emotional labor. It doesn't require actual physical effort but can be a significant source of energy drain. At times the drain can be so profound that it can become paralyzing. 

After the short interview I jotted a few sentences down on the subject and filed it away in my ‘post possibility’ file.  Some days later I wrote the post Mixed Feelings - Good Ones - Frustrating Ones - but in the end - all good.  At some point Lady Grey commented and tried to set me straight with her advice to just do what I'm told. Her advice was good. She makes a good point. I probably have been less than the ideal sub. I probably was putting too much thought into our D/s relationship and imposing my wishes on to Katie. After reading and considering her advice I thought about the interview on the topic of emotional labor. The light of understanding went on as I considered her advice and wondered if I was forcing Katie to invest more emotional labor than necessary into me. I wondered if my pursuits might be having a negative effect rather than the positive one I was hoping for. I wondered if I was becoming a burden rather than making her life easier.

The submissive-me finds it attractive knowing she's in control, that she has power over me and that she is has the decision-making power in our marriage. But having that perk requires Katie to exert more emotional labor than me. She's the one that has to decide how our money is to be used, what our weekend will entail, what events we will attend, what projects need to be done around the house, etc. Additionally she has me to consider. What does she want me to do? How is her sub doing? What work outside of my usual chores does she want me to address? All of that takes thought. There are, of course, benefits to having that freedom, but with that freedom is a level of mental energy that must be spent. 

Katie isn’t one to fly by the seat of her pants. She is a planner. She is self-conscious and considerate of others - almost to a fault. She is never late. She has a tendency to worry. All of this taxes her energy. I don’t see it but I know her mind is active even though she may be sitting quietly next to me. She is always considering the what-if scenarios before making a decision. 

And then there is me. Her sub. Her needy sub. If  I push her to be that ideal mistress those intentions may be good at heart but they aren't the qualities she appreciates in me. She likes me obeying, being there, assisting her, doing things for her, making life easier, being her best friend and generally being a low-maintenance husband. When I push, or wish, or gripe, or complain, or keep bringing things up, it has the end-result of taxing her energy reserves rather than adding to them. I know she only has so much to give and sometimes just getting through a day is all the energy she has. Having to think about being a mistress (and not just a wife) can sometimes require more than she wants to emotionally and mentally exert.  

When I told Katie, way back when, that I wanted to submit, I somewhat convinced myself I was giving her my all. To some degree I did. I gave her more of me than I previously had. I became more involved in our home and the work required to keep it up. But when I handed her that list of 60+ chores I was willing to do and as I watched her circle the ones she wanted me to take on – I also hoped she would give something back to me. I wanted her to meet my submissive needs. I wanted her to fulfill my submissive wants. I wanted her to ‘play chastity’. I wanted her to deny me. I wanted her to do this and do that.

What I didn’t want to admit at the time was I how conditional my submission was. I wanted an 'I’ll do this for you because I know you’ll do that for me’ relationship. But that’s not what submission is about. It's about letting go, not holding on. I had the hope that what I wanted was an ‘if/than’ marriage. I didn’t marry a naturally dominant wife. I married a wife that enjoys my love and attention as well as the perks of the efforts much more than she enjoys thinking about how she can punish me or make me feel submissive. She feeds my wants by giving me morsels rather than shovel fulls. It’s who she is and who she’ll probably always be.

And so I’m going to continue to take the wise advice of my online friend Ms. Grey and do what I’m told. I’m going to do my best to not force Katie to invest more emotional labor into me than what comes naturally. I’m going to try to not make our D/s relationship about me. I’m going to try to be what I promised – her support person, her helper, her submissive husband.

Thanks Lady Grey!

I’m Hers

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Real Men Provide. Real Women Appreciate It

While watching the evening news a few weeks ago, they ended the broadcast with one of those human interest stories that often are a part of the nightly news. This one caught my interest. It had to do with a billboard mounted along a NC highway. After the newscast and I did some investigation . Typing in a few key words on a Google search I found several articles.  Here are a few excerpts from one of them:

A woman activist commented, "I take it as a very deliberate jab at women who demand equality and demand to be seen as equals and are vocal. So to me it's also a very blatant about wanting to silence women and tell them to just accept the way that things are."
She went on to say her concern isn't that the sign exists, but the message behind the sign, and believes the sign represents a mindset that should not be acceptable in today's society.
"We are protesting patriarchy and sexism, and that this antiquated way of thinking about women exists at all. We are protesting the implied demand that women be silent and appreciate, regardless of whatever circumstances, their role as non-providers.
I almost couldn't identify with what she had to say. My first thought was I would think women would appreciate men who have a job and earn a living (not that women don't also). I would think they would appreciate men who look for employment and want to work rather than sit at home and collect a government paycheck when they are able-bodied. Who in the world wants to be associated with a guy (or woman) with that attitude?

I began thinking about how much the 'lens of life' from which we look through determines our viewpoint. This woman viewed the sign from a feminist lens (and it's my opinion who wants no part of men helping her). She obviously took offense because she is against the very thought that a woman would even consider letting a man provide for her. My guess is she thought something to the effect of, "How dare they insult women. We can provide just fine for ourselves. And for God's sake, the last thing we need is a man to it for us."
For other women, the ones who prefer to be home, the ones who find value in raising a family (or the ones who just don't have any interest in working a conventional job), I would think they would have no issues with the wording on that bill board. I'm sure they appreciate the the income their husbands provide through their employment.
As a submissive man, I view those words similarly. The word 'provide', however, means much more to me than mere financial provision. Providing includes work around the home, providing comforts in the way of meals, massages, giving her my undivided attention when she wants it, and generally making sure she feels secure, appreciated and loved.
I have the mindset that all men should 'provide'. Providing doesn't negate a woman working a job if that's what she wants. Just because her 'man' works, it doesn't mean she has less significance or has less value. It doesn't imply any of that. 
Why does it have to be an either/or scenario? Can't there be both? Can't a woman be catered to by her man, 'provided for', if you will, and she still be able to have the same freedoms to satisfy whatever goals in life she might have? 
As Katie's submissive I hope I am that kind of husband. She happens to want me to provide (financially) but she also wants me to give her my time (by doing chores and meeting whatever expectations she has for me - cooking, cleaning, etc). She wants me to provide by showing her love and being affectionate, by reminding her how much I appreciate and admire her. She wants me to provide by satisfying her sexually, by snuggling with her at night and when we wake in the morning, by doing small acts of service throughout the day (like rubbing her back or getting her a glass of wine or opening a car door or reminding her of an appointment).
Providing can take on many forms and by me providing, our marriage is validated and strengthened. Eventually I will retire. Eventually the woman upset at this sign will retire. What happens then? Will she refuse the free gift offered to her in the form of social security? Did she live her life refusing the benefits her employer offered her in the forms of vacation time, medical and dental insurance, retirement payments and the like? I doubt it. Is her value completely dependent on her ability to 'provide' for herself? I don't think so and I sure hope it isn't.  
The old Simon and Garfunkel words, I am a rock, I am an island, is far from true. No one is a rock. No one is an island. No one lives without needs. Everyone has insecurities. No one is able to live life without others providing for them. We need others. We should welcome it when it's offered. I know for the two of us, I need my mistress and my mistress needs her sub. I provide for her with my efforts and she provides for me with her leadership and for that I am so thankful.
I'm Hers

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Mixed Feelings - Good Ones - Frustrating Ones - but in the end - all good

For who knows what reason, Katie stopped locking me back in late October/early November. Removing that chunk of steel from around me was a difficult adjustment. I missed it and interpreted the 'you don't need to lock' or 'I don't want you locked' as a letting go of our D/s relationship.  It wasn't that at all but that's how I felt.

Today, for who knows what reason I was told to lock. It had been what, 3-4 months? What the heck was with her? Obediently (and happily - more like gratefully) I locked up.

Some bit later I asked if I could read a blog post to her, one that I found interesting. After reading it we talked for a little bit but not at much as what I hoped. 

"Go make me breakfast. I'm hungry," she said out of the blue.

I guess whatever discussion we might of had was over. I stood and walked off steaming.  "Damn, why can't we talk about these kinds of things," I stewed. 

That's when I put it all together. I was as hard as a rock. I had jumped to my feet when she told me to go fetch breakfast. I was locked in a cage. I was everything I wanted and yet I was pissed. Or was I?  It took me a bit to get over the, 'I'm done talking about this' frustration. While I cooked her eggs my mind went to that part of my promise when I married Katie  that part about embracing her words. What I said when we married was ..... "I will embrace your decisions regardless of my personal views".....  "and I promise to be the man who embraces your dominance, who submits to you obediently and who acknowledges you as the head of our home."

Mulling over that while frying a few eggs had quite the sobering effect. She told me what to do and now it was my turn to do it. She decided she was through talking about something for now and now it was now my turn to let it be - and to be thankful she made the decisions she had.

Ten minutes later I served her a healthy and hearty breakfast. "Here you go Mistress," I said handing a plate of food to her. God she looked so beautiful sitting there. I melted and kissed her. I kissed her again and again and again - more times than she wanted but I didn't want to stop. My mood passed and I was once more thankful for having a wife who is securely dominant.

It wasn't until a few hours later when I fessed up and told her about my emotional turmoil. She listened and then replied, "You got exactly what you wanted." That was it. Short. Sweet. To the point. And 100% true. She was right. This is what I want. She is who I want to obey. Having her be in charge is what pulls me to her. I want to serve and I want to obey my mistress.

Just before sitting down to write this post I was told, "Make me coffee. I'm cold."  

"I don't know if I like you talking like that or not."I answered

"Why is that?"

"Because now you are telling me what you want instead of implying." I went on, "Usually you say something like I'm cold. I wonder if I might need a coffee. Then I'm supposed to interpret that as 'make me coffee'".

Again she reminded me, "That's what you wanted." (meaning being told.)

It is. I want her to lead. I want her to be confident. I want her to speak her mind -  and I want to obey.

Oh, and that post I read this morning had to do with asserting one's dominance. Before I started reading I asked what degree of dominance she felt she had in our marriage and what degree of freedom she still allowed me. 80/20 was what she perceived us to be. That may be right although I'm having a hard time coming up with examples of where I get to decide w.hat I want 20% of the time. 

She's my mistress. I'm hers. I keep reminding her I am and maybe once a day she'll remind me I'm her sub. Yet there are those times when I don't get my way and she acts like a controlling mistress. When those times happen I still struggle with not getting my way. Submission is not the easiest thing in the world to live out but it is what I asked for and don't ever want to live without. It's who we are. I am her sub and she is my mistress!

I'm Hers

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Punishment and Intimacy

Somehow Katie and I were talking about punishments. I don’t know what got us on the topic but we found ourselves engaged in a discussion. She brought up a past memory in which she remembered a series of incidents when one of her children would get into a mode where he'd continually do the wrong thing. “I didn’t want to spank him but I knew I had to. And when I did - every time - he stopped being so bad for a while. It was that way every time,” she said thoughtfully. 

It was about this same time when I received a comment from Jake. He made mention of instances in which his mistress needed to punish him. He states: “On more occasions than I can count, my wife has handcuffed me to the bed frame, forcing me to spend the evening on the hardwood floor, as she makes herself comfortable in our king-sized bed. That translates to 10 seconds of “work” for her, and 10 hours of suffering for me, with the net result being the doubling of my eagerness to obey her the following day.”

I also read a comment by Marisa on The Disciplines Husbands Forum: "….. I LOVE confession. I am not talking about the contrived “mommy I was naughty" version designed to get a spanking, but the sincere heartfelt admission of guilt and acceptance of penance………”

Punishment and penance. Two words that are pervasive throughout all societies. Our criminal court system is based around the principle of punishing the guilty and giving absolution to the innocent. Children punish their friends in their little kid ways. Parents punish children. Employers discipline employees. Police officers hand out tickets to speeders. Teachers punish misbehavior in school. Coaches make kids run when they disobey. Punishment can be found everywhere and the use of reward or punishment is a foundational method of rewarding or discouraging various types of behavior.

What I wanted to hone in on was Katie’s comment regarding the effect her punishment had on her child. The outcome was the same with how Jake responded after being cuffed him to the bed. In both instances it curbed inappropriate behavior. My hunch is it removed the tension between parent and child, between mistress and submissive. In the case of Katie’s child it restored a relationship that was partly broken. It did the same with Jake and his wife. Adding to the power of punishment is what Marisa feels when having to handle her submissive when he comes to her to own up to a wrong. She loves when he does. She loves having him own up to a wrong committed by bringing it to her attention. Why? Well she went on to say in her comment …. “(the act of her submissive man confessing) is very hot for a dominant woman.  I believe it taps deeply into our nurturing nature as well as the penance giving role so natural to us."

Isn’t that statement revealing? Aren’t women all about their man being open, honest and vulnerable? Don't relationships become 'real' during those times when we really cast aside the protective facades we too often use and really bare our soul that the one who loves us? Those times can affect us in such profound ways. Marisa is one who loves it when her man tells her what he’s done wrong. She loves it because he’s given her power to do with him whatever she deems appropriate. Will she simply say, "Thank you for being honest?” Might she levy out punishment? His vulnerability suddenly created a relationship building moment. And in the case of Marisa she loves it. His vulnerability is sexy. His vulnerability stimulates her in ways she normally isn't. His vulnerability creates an opportunity for the two of them to engage in something she views as both nurturing and intimate.

That is the key takeaway point here. Punishment and intimacy are tied inseparably together. Katie spanking her child resulted in a parent child bond. He no longer wanted to disobey. Her nurturing act of spanking him allowed her child to let go of whatever underlying insecurity it was that made him want to act out. Because Jake was cuffed to the bed and made to sleep on a hardwood floor, that punishment was interpreted as an act of love on his part. It gave him time to reflect on how his actions hurt his mistress. It gave him perspective. It made him love his mistress all the more. It didn’t create a divide. Marisa too found the act of her submissive confessing and the subsequent punishment delivered as a means of bolstering their love-bond. In each instance love was manifested through the act of disciplining. In each situation two individuals were brought closer together.

The reason why is beyond my level of understanding. Maybe it is because the punishment removed feelings of guilt from the transgressor. Maybe it’s because it brought closure to a breach in the relationship. Maybe it was because of the depth of trust demonstrated on the part of the confessor as well as the one serving up the punishment. I'm sure it can be just as difficult for her to tell him to stand in the corner as it is for him to confess and know something uncomfortable is about to take place because of that confession. There is a mutual trust required by both.

So what does this mean to me? I’m not completely sure. As of yet, Katie has not begun to have ‘talks’ where she probes my actions to see if I am following orders to the highest of standards. Katie has never punished me. I do believe she is giving it consideration. I think so because of some comments she made when we had that talk that brought our issues to the forefront.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this topic. Does the confession of wrongs build closeness in your relationship? Does punishment of any sort work when thinking of it as a way to build intimacy? Can there be ‘bad’ punishments or improper punishments or ineffective punishments? When thinking of the word punishment, does it really have to equate with a spanking or are there other effective and more useful ways to accomplish the same objective?

Just a few thoughts for this time around.

I’m Hers  

Saturday, February 18, 2017

It’s the little things

I’m writing this post just a few days after having had the long discussion with Katie. In this post I want to examine the subtle changes that took place during the time of my passive-aggressive rebellion when I felt like Katie wasn’t doing enough. Whether she was or wasn’t isn’t the point at the moment. The focus of this post has to do with what I did and didn’t do during those few months when my approach to my submission was less than wholehearted.

A few days after we talked the weather here warmed into the 60’s and we took a nice walk along a well-used path that circled a nearby lake. It wasn’t until Katie stopped to look at a sign and I kept walking for another 4-5 steps that I realized what I had done.  I eventually stopped and waited for her to finish reading. As we continued around the lake she stopped again to look at something. This time I paused immediately. She walked a short distance more before pausing when she spotted a group of minnows in the shallow water. Again I immediately stopped and waited patiently for her to finish looking at the fish.

What dawned on me after that first pause – the one where I kept walking while she stopped to read – was my lack of attentiveness. It had always been my practice to stop when she stopped; to wait as long as I needed; to take an interest in whatever it was she was interested.  I realized when she stopped that first time that my actions were an indication of my lack of care. I didn’t care enough. I didn’t put her interest before my own. It took a couple of seconds before I realized what I had done and was then able to correct my error and remain more attentive to her interests.

It’s a little thing, I know. It almost is a nothing-thing in the scope of life but in some ways it’s a gigantic thing. It’s an action that reveals an inner attitude that isn't healthy. It needs to be corrected. Let me give you more examples. Example #1: At home I don’t touch the remote. However, I did so often during the months previous. I deliberately did so and I was breaking protocol. That was wrong.  Example #2: It’s my policy when I’m in another room and Katie speaks that I stop what I’m doing and come to where she is if I didn't hear what she had to say. The inconsiderate way to address this is to shout, “What was that?” or “What did you say?” I chose that option more than a few times during the months previous.  Example #3: The proper response to my morning routine is to make the bed tidy the bathroom and generally make the bedroom/bath area presentable. The improper way is to either not make that or do a shoddy job. There were days when I did both and I'm not proud I did.

Yes, you might say, but it’s just the bed or it's just the bathroom towels and you’re right. It is just the bed and towel but the attitude behind the motivation to not do what I should is pretty crappy. And yes, shouting back is a more convenient way to respond to a question and yes grabbing the remote is easier than not but none of those responses are proper. Not when I know better. I could go on and on…. It’s akin to not asking permission before purchasing my lunch (since that decision is not a part of my allowance), or purchasing food not on my shopping list without asking, or not helping her putting on her sweater, etc., etc. In each case there is a proper way to do things and an improper response. What I realized during our walk around the lake was just how misguided my actions had been and the changes I needed to make.

The principle being violated here of course, was my level of devotion. Intimately tied to that was the degree of commitment to serving my mistress, regardless of my feelings at the time. It’s the loss of the little things that served as indicators of a much larger underlying problem. It’s my responsibility to see that I don’t continue repeating the wrongs when I know better. It is also my mistress’ responsibility to remain alert to changes like I described and address them immediately. In some respects she played a part in letting the wrongs continue but that is not the issue I want to focus on now. But she has a role to play as well. That’s what a mistress does. She helps me toe the line.  She keeps watch over me and does so because it’s for my own good (and for her benefit).

I was telling some 20ish year college students. They attended a school in which their grading scale required a C grade or better to pass. The lowest ‘C’ was a 75% score. I said, “So what you are telling me is that you can do about 3/4ths of everything correct and still fail a course. What does that tell you?” They didn’t know how to respond so I finished the thought for them. “It tells you that doing most things right isn't good enough. It's telling you that your school isn't satisfied with just doing average work." It is the attention to detail that separates the students that pass from those that fail. And the difference between a high-C and a low-A is not that much.

I once heard a coach say, “average teams don’t do the little things right.” How true he was. The same goes for my attitude to ward my mistress. Doing things half way, not paying attention to the details of life, not making the extra effort are all signs of not making the grade. I need to do better.  And I would suspect the same can be said about you and what your wife expects. She wants your very best.

The same parallel can be drawn to the mistresses reading this. It is your attention to detail that can turn an average wife-led-marriage into a great one. You can have a submissive husband who is somewhat trained or one that can’t wait to tend to every need, wish and want you have. You can have one that blends in with all the other husbands in the crowd or one that stands out because of the level of devotion he demonstrates all the time. The choice as to what kind of husband you own is up to you and for the life of me I can't understand why wives don't experiment to see if trying this, or making him do that won't make a great marriage even better. If you choose to monitor him with only some concern and you will reap an average to below-average sub. Approach him with vigor and really remain attune to his actions - while maintaining an eye for detail as he serves - you will transform him into the man you have always wanted to live with. Your dominance can never be too overbearing. Think of it as a way of showing him you love him.

I’m Hers

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Hope and Happiness

I am a happy camper. Katie and I talked. We discussed ‘what we are’. We talked about my needs and wishes. I was able to express how I really felt and as I spoke I could tell she was interested. She listened. She asked questions. I felt loved and I hope that by me talking openly and honestly that she too felt loved. We both knew, after talking things out, that ultimately she would be the one who would pick and choose from the many things we discussed and decide if changes will be made. I knew that while I talked and as she listened she did so from a position of dominance and control. I did my best to bare my soul and did so from a position of dependency, I understood that although I could express concerns I had no power to change anything. Only she could do that.

Because things went well I have hope. And because I have hope I am happy. I feel a renewed sense of vitality when thinking about the possibilities our D/s relationship holds.  I don’t know if my sudden change in mood is a good thing or not. Part of me remains tempered in my exuberance because I’m not sure what my future holds. I can do nothing but wait for change to take place.

I was talking to my boss today. We got on the topic of relationships. At one point he asked, “How old are you?” I answered. His response was “You don’t act that old.” I chuckled. I don’t feel as old as the number next to my age either. Chronologically I am getting older but I still feel young at heart. My boss made the comment that his dad has become a grumpy old man.  I kind of got a picture of what his dad must be like from that simple statement and it made me think to a relative of mine who is also a grumpy person. Negative, negative, negative.  Ugh!! Why do they choose to be this way?

But there is a reason why people move along the continuum from happy to sad. I can’t speak to my boss’ dad but I can easily see that my relative is grumpy because they are lonely, alone, widowed. They don’t have much hope in their future and they have made choices that have taken them from being loving and fun to being harder to be around.  That is not a good place to be.

I am not where my relative is although for several weeks I had eeked a few notches in that direction. That happened because I was feeling unhappy. Katie had never stopped loving me nor had she stopped being in charge but she had taken some of the fun out of our relationship and that made me sad.

She never stopped being my mistress. She still told me what she wanted every day. “It’s time for you to fix us breakfast.” “Look at this.” “Wash your hands.” “It’s time for bed.”

The commands still came but they came without any mention of the word sub, dominant, mistress, I own you, you are mine, etc. and they came without us ever ‘playing’ dome and sub. They came with her not feeling confident enough to correct my errors. It was the matter-of-factness of life that I wasn't enjoying and I began to wonder if submitting just to submit was worth the effort. As a result I too became a somewhat grumpy sub.

So my hope is that we will not remain where we are currently but rather, move to another level - a deeper, more intimate, more open dominant/submissive level - in our relationship. I believe it was DLsKnight who once mentioned that his relationship with his wife moves like that – they one level of submission to one requiring more dominance and more vulnerability.  Now that is a happy thought. I love what I have. I know I have what so many men desire. And I have all of this with an absolutely beautiful woman – both inside and out. My hope for my sweet, wonderful and dominant Katie is that she will take us to that next level. Now that is a happy thought indeed!

I’m Hers

Monday, February 6, 2017

We Talked

I want to thank the heartfelt and concerned comments in regard to the bump in the road Katie and I have had in our D/s relationship. Many of you wanted me to talk with her and for as much as I appreciated hearing those suggestions it wasn’t that I hadn’t given that a thought. Really I did but I thought it best if I didn’t. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to. I was aching for that conversation. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to push my wants to the forefront of our marriage. I rationalized I was her sub. I needed to follow. I wasn’t supposed to lead. I wanted to trust Katie by waiting for her to initiate that conversation and ask me as to why I was feeling and acting as I was.  I had come to the conclusion that by waiting I was letting go and giving her the freedom to do with me, and us, as she wished.

All that changed a few days ago. Last week we traveled to an event. At one point we were waiting for some friends to show. We were sitting in the car. I spotted someone who and got out to talk with them.  I left Katie and crossed the parking lot. We talked. When I returned a few minutes later Katie said, “You are so handsome.” I thanked her. And then she added, “And you belong to me. All of you belongs to me.” God I needed to hear that second statement. It felt so good.

Later that afternoon I brought up that conversation. “I liked what you said earlier about me when we were waiting in the car.”

“You are handsome.”

“I liked what else you said even more.”

She smiled.

That intro opened the door to our talk. I took the advice of so many and asked if she had concerns about our D/s relationship. She did. I asked because I had to. I needed to get things out in the open and the opportunity seemed to present itself. Yes I went against my hunch to stay quiet but I’m so glad I did.

While alone in a hotel room and with the TV off we sipped coffee and conversed for the better part of an hour. It was a good talk. As expected, I talked more than Katie but that is pretty much par for the course.  She listened patiently and eventually asked the $64,000 question: “So what do you want from me?”

I answered by stating I hoped she would take the time to be more active in expressing her dominance and that she would add a bit of kink – a bit of sexual fun - to our relationship. I asked if she would be more clear when stating what she wants. I asked if she would lead us by having us talk about our D/s relationship intentionally and do it on a regular basis. I reminded her of a routine Cathy from Femdom 101 uses with her husband. That they talk openly and honestly with her husband kneeling before her while she sits in her chair. I asked if we might be able to follow a similar routine but personalize what we do to a time, place and frequency that makes her feel comfortable. I reminded her of my need to be broken; that I still do things my way often; that I can be lazy and self-centered and that isn’t good.

I explained that she can make our relationship however she wants but that there is so much more of me to give. I know it’s up to her to take advantage of that and hope she does. (And that doesn’t’ necessarily mean I just need to do more work. Rather it means I need to make her #1 more than I do.)

We also talked about repercussions – about consequences. I know I don’t do things to perfection all the time.  Recently I’ve slacked off quite a bit with some of my responsibilities. I mentioned how, by ignoring me when I don’t do things the way she wants, she is encouraging me to repeat the undesired behavior. No we didn’t open the door to physical punishment but we did talk about negative consequences. I encouraged her to deal with these times intentionally rather than simply letting things slide by unattended.

I confessed how powerful her open dominance emotionally pulls me close to her. I don’t know why it does but it does. Speaking directly, locking me, being dominantly-playful, not putting up with me doing things on my schedule but insisting I do them on hers and knowing there will be consequences to misdeeds are all ways she can express her love to me. In many ways her dominance is my love-language. For whatever reason I have a need to know I am owned. I confessed how her expressions of dominance drawls me closer and when we lose that part of ‘us’ it makes it harder to remain especially close. At one point I confessed how there have been times when I have become so overwhelmed with feelings of love for her because of her dominance I’ve wanted to drop to my knees and hug her legs as an expression of my submissive love. I never acted on those impulses because I didn’t think she would like me doing that.

“You can do that if you want,” she calmly said much to my surprise.

“I didn’t think that expression of adoration was appropriate.”

“I don’t mind. I’ll get to hug you twice then (meaning hugging me while I am on my knees and then again when she tells me to stand). I didn’t expect that answer but am so happy to hear she is open to me acting on my impulses. I am glad she opened that door since there have been periods when I’ve wanted to do that often.

All in all we had a good talk. My hope, after discussing all this is that she will have the confidence to express her dominant side more. My hope is she will have fun with it and add some kink to how she rules both me and our home. One can only hope. It’s up to her take time to process all we discussed and make the necessary changes. It’s up to me to wait patiently and be the submissive I know she wants and expects me to be and not intentionally try to push her buttons.  My hope is we will grow as a result of this small rift in our relationship. And maybe I need to be more verbally supportive in helping her grow in her dominance since this is not something that comes naturally. Time will tell but I’m so thankful that we were able to get things out in the open. I guess I should have initiated this conversation weeks ago. Hopefully I won’t repeat the same mistake again.

I’m Hers  

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Why the silence

I've not written for quite some time. Actually I had a hard time bringing myself to write the last few posts that I did put up. I've lost interest in the blog. I've not had ideas. I haven't looked at life from a submissive perspective. I haven't been motivated to write. I honestly haven't thought much about living as a submissive within a marriage much lately. Things have changed and as a result so has my desire to post.

I wrote my wife a few months ago and basically told her I wasn't going to top from the bottom. I wasn't going to keep the D/s relationship we had going. In essence I told her that I was going to let go (as I probably should have years ago) and let her run things as she wants and let her lead as she promised she would. It was something I was hesitant to do but something I needed to do. And so I did. I think when I made that decision a lot of my energy went out with that email.  I found myself feeling more moody when I heard nothing from her. About that same time she told me to unlock and I haven't been locked since. I felt still more sadness since the reason she kept me locked was to keep me for herself. I felt as if she let go of that possessiveness to keep me chaste and only for her. That one was a toughy to come to grips with. With my chores I've slacked off in completing some of my responsibilities. Yes I still cook and I still clean but I've stopped doing the little things. Some of that has been because I've had these feelings of "why am I doing all this?" questions. Some of that has been because I believe there is a significant difference between a submissive husband and one that is simply told by his wife, "do this", e.g., the hen-pecked husband. Some was a result of her not insisting I do those little things when it became obvious I wasn't. When nothing was said, I let it go and haven't bothered doing it since.

The other day she told me she was going out to lunch and I could come with her (and others) if I wanted. Ouch! That one hurt. We always did things together. She always wants me with her when we do a weekend outing of any type.  Why now the option? Still more sadness. It wasn't the fact that she gave me a choice but more that I felt as if there was a loss of me always being there during these kinds of outings. She gave me a choice. She let go and I don't want to be let go. I desire the opposite.  I want closeness. I think she does too. In the end, I did go but it was because I chose to do so, not because I was told I'd be accompanying her.

It's been the above as well as the loss of 'fun' from living a life that I believe should have some kink to it that has put me where I am. I miss that fun. I wish there was more than just the matter-of-fact statements of fulfilling my end of the deal - me doing the chores. I miss that part of our relationship. I miss the little bit of kink we use to have because honestly, it was fun. It broke up the mundane of life somewhat. It brought us together. I miss that degree of closeness that made us so super-close all these years.  But as sad as I've been about the loss of being dominated (and having her reinforce that concept daily) my love for Katie has never waned. I love her just as much. I love every part about her. I love being with her, cuddling her, snuggling her, interacting with her, sitting quietly by her side and sharing my life with her.  What I grieve is the loss of something we once had. My hope is it will return. My hope is she will eventually come to the point where she sees the necessity to lead. I've let her know that some of you have offered to give suggestions. I've done what I can and am done doing that further. So until things change I will most likely not be writing much. But then again who knows.

My parting words to women of submissive men. Understand the significance your role is when it comes to taking charge of the man who wants to serve you. You may not think that what you do means much but I would dare say your involvement/leadership means the world to him.

I'm Hers