Saturday, December 9, 2017
Let’s talk football. The Cleveland Browns stink. They’ve been bad for a long time and although they get great support from their fans, I’m sure most who come to the game come to enjoy football for football and not because they expect their team to win. Winning is icing on the cake – and rarely happens. This isn’t so with the Golden State Warriors basketball team. They’re quite good and I would think their fans would be quite bummed if they paid good money to watch their team lose.
EXPECTATION – OBSERVATION = FRUSTRATION
Consider it. Think about it. What does it mean to you? What’s it trying to say? Doesn’t it speak to you? How does this equation fit with your particular FLR? Do you expect more from him/her than you see? If so, then frustration will the natural outcome if given enough time.
So how can the equation be balanced?
Doesn’t it make sense, especially in the case of the submissive husband to put his wants on the back burner? I mean, doesn’t the very title of who a man is – submissive – imply being second? Doesn’t it mean your wants and your responsibilities and your desires become secondary to hers? (No, I’m not saying that the two of you shouldn’t talk and share) but in the end, you wanted her to take charge of you, your marriage, and your life and regardless of what you want from her, you can’t make her change. You really can’t. If change is going to happen then it’s only going to take place if she makes the choice to change.
Because of this, the only option here is for you (as a submissive man) to reduce your expectations. Go with the flow. Follow her lead. Let her do with you, and with your marriage as she best sees. Remember that she loves you like none other, but remember too that she’s the one who will lead you in the way that best fits who she is.
When I first read that equation, I thought back to the months when I lived the life of a frustrated man. I kept waiting and hoping and wanting for her to be that ‘different Katie’ but she never changed into the dominant wife I wanted. Eventually I changed. In a way, you might say I gave up hoping. And in fact I did. I came to accept that my current way of loving and caring for her (and in turn, her style of loving, caring and leading me) was how it was going to be. The Katie with whom I am bound and love will always have ‘this’ style of dominance. The way she leads has pretty much remained unchanged from the get-go. Yes, it’s quite evident to see she is in charge. It’s also evident she has no intention of becoming more like this female blog writer or the wife of that blog writer. She just won’t.
When I was able to come to that conclusion, my life slowly returned to a harmonious state. I became a happier man. I think Katie also became a more content domme when my sulking and sullen attitude ceased. When I made the decision to reduce my expectations to what was my reality – with what I observed every day – my frustrations dissipated. I didn’t know it at the time but what I did was balance the equation. My EXPECTATION = My OBSERVATION and as a result My FRUSTRATION level dropped to near zero
I’d encourage you to consider the expectations you currently impose on your wife? Consider first, if imposing an expectation is even a right you have as her submissive. It’s one thing to hope and still another to express your desires but it’s another thing completely to demand. My suggestion is for you, as HER submissive, to discard whatever expectation you have in the moment and deal with the reality at hand.
Are you tired of being frustrated? Then set aside your unmet expectations and face reality head on. Then, after the fact, have a conversation with her about what you expect and why but be ready to accept a decision that may not be what you want. And if that decision is rendered, make the decision to accept your new reality and move on.
Remember, the goal for living this way in the first place is to cultivate a deeper, more intimate relationship with the woman you can’t dream of living without. I can say, it took stepping away from my desire for Katie to be more dominant and instead, making a mental list of all the ways she already expressed her authority to see all the ‘good’ I already have. She is extremely controlling in so many areas of my life. She just controls me, us, and our life in a non-kinky authoritarian manner. When looking at life from the perspective of all I had an not from the few things I don’t, and then making the conscious choice to actually submit – to do what she wants rather than hope for something she doesn’t want to do – I became a more content and loving husband.
Sunday, December 3, 2017
Katie and I were discussing the international ‘incident’ of the three UCLA basketball players who were caught shoplifting while in China. I don’t know the specifics of what happened other than they were in China for the purpose of playing basketball. I also know they were caught stealing sun glasses. Chinese penalty for such an offense, if proven guilty, was prison time. The sentence could range anywhere from three to ten years.
This incident coincided with Trump's visit and in the end he ‘negotiated’ their release.
In any event the story hit social media and the news and got us talking. I remembered a discussion Katie and I️ had early on in our relationship. She stated on no uncertain terms that if we ever got married and she caught me cheating, we were through. There was no malice in her words. Rather she made a statement of fact and I’ve never forgotten those words.
Now, it’s my hunch that in China, there are not too many who want to risk 5-10 years in a Chinese prison for the reward of a $50 pair of sunglasses. Why? Because the penalty far outweighs the reward.
As a kid one summer I slept in a tent in the back yard of my best friends’ house. We had other intentions besides just sleeping outside and getting bit up by mosquitoes. Sometime during the wee hours of night we dressed, grabbed our flashlights and headed the short distance out of town. Sneaking though a vacant field we crossed a road and snuck, army style, as only ten year olds could do, through another field until coming to Mr. Miller’s farm.
Everyone knew Mr. Miller had a water melon patch but everyone also knew he had a shotgun at the ready with rock salt. We knew of more than one who supposedly sustained injury from one of his blasts. But we were ten so we were invincible. We found the patch and soon found the watermelons – the big oval ones that taste O so good. Grabbing one required both arms and even then we struggled to not drop our prize. Sneaking all the way back home we rejoiced at our stolen goods.
It was then when it dawned on me: I couldn’t take my watermelon home. My father would absolutely tan my hide and march me back to Mr. Miller if he ever found out! Ugh!!! Even now I remember the sick feeling of loss at knowing I️ couldn’t enjoy what I️ had stolen. My best friend’s parents felt differently. He didn’t fear their wrath and in the end, he got to enjoy TWO watermelons that summer.
You see, the level of deterrent will often dictate future behavior. A deterrent is just that. It’s the understanding that if I do ‘this’, ‘that’ will happen. Want to grab the wire surrounding a cow pasture? Be my guest. Want to steal from the local department store? Want to cheat about when you clocked in and clocked out at work, knowing there are security cameras watching you? As in all aspects of life, choices, both good and bad often result in a subsequent reaction.
As a mistress and a submissive, there is an understanding of who can do what, what is expected from each party and ….. hopefully a ‘spelled out understanding’ as to what will happen to the submissive should he intentionally (or possibly unintentionally) violate a predetermined behavior. How strict the mistress enforces understood rules will determine in large measure how well those rules are followed.
For example, she might have a rule that all wash is to be done during the weekend. If wash is not folded and put away before bed on Sunday, what does she do? How should she handle seeing a load still in the dryer? What consequences, if any need to take place?
If the answer is nothing, what message does that convey? If the answer is one day without TV for every article of clothing left in the dryer, what message does that consequence convey? The penalty might sound harsh but in the end, isn’t that penalty somewhat like the Chinese penalty for shop lifting? Both go a long way to curb undesired behavior.
Leading and following work hand in hand. For the submissive, knowing where not to go, what not to do, and clearly understanding what will happen if a bad choice is made is not a punishment rendered on the part of the wife but a gift she gives . It really is. There is no difference between this and punishing a child for misbehavior. To not punish is to raise a child ill-fit to become an adult and live within the laws of our country. Doubt me? Just watch the news to see what UCLA chooses to do/not do. My guess is they will do nothing. And doesn’t that speak volumes.
Enjoy your week.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
“I’m Yours,” I said to my wife one morning not so long ago.
“I know,” she responded.
“Yes, but do you understand that me being yours is an even greater commitment than only loving you? I mean, I love you but being yours is more.”
We spent some time talking about what it meant for someone (me) to give themselves to another within the context of a submissive giving himself to his dominant partner.
My intention here isn’t to condemn traditional marriage unions. I’m not. But I do believe that it means one thing when you tell your spouse you love them and another when you tell them from the vantage point of a submissive that you belong to her. Here’s why.
Steve can be married to Sandra and live in a ‘vanilla’ marriage. Sandra wants Steve to go Christmas shopping with her and so she asks. She asks with the understanding that he might say yes but then again, he might not want to go. In a FLR if Katie tells me she wants me to go shopping with her I go. I stop what I’m doing and I go.
Steve has a choice. He has the choice to put his wife’s wants ahead of his or choose to put his wants ahead of hers. I don’t have that choice. I have agreed to always put my wife’s wants ahead of mine. The difference is significant.
Sandra got upset at Steve because he left their two teenage children alone in the house for two hours. Rather than stay at home as they agreed, he went to the bar to watch the last half of a football game and have a drink with his friend. Sandra and Steve had agreed that he would stay at home while she was out. Steve promised to stay while their kids and the neighbor kids played video games in the basement. But because Steve’s buddy from work called, he changed his mind. As a result, Sandra and Steve got into an argument and things got heated. Hurtful things were said by Sandra and Steve and it took until the following day for Steve to admit he was wrong and apologize.
If I was in Steve’s position, I wouldn’t have even considered leaving the house. If my buddy called and encouraged me to join him, I’d have told him, “I need to check with my wife,” and if I ever went that far Katie would have answered by saying, “why are you even calling? I told you you are to stay home and watch the kids.” But I’d already know her answer and so I wouldn’t have called. In fact, I’d have told my buddy I wasn’t available. As a result, Katie and I wouldn’t have gotten into an argument and hurtful works wouldn’t have been spoken in anger.
Again, I’m not condemning the way Steve and Sandra live. They might be two people who deeply care for one another. Many married couples do. They love their spouse and they want nothing more than to make him/her happy. They love sharing their lives together.
However, arguments happen. Self-interests sometimes are put ahead of spouses. In my marriage, that doesn’t ever happen. Katie is always put first. As a result, we don’t argue. We really don’t. I’ve never gotten into a verbal war of words with her – ever. Instead, I do what she tells me. If I disagree I voice my thoughts but
I understand her word is final. Period. As a result, we don’t bicker.
I have willingly given decision-making power to my wife because I trust her (and she in turn has often given it back to me by saying, “I want you to make the decision on this.”). I live by the principle of doing what she wants but I know without question, she has me do the chores I have because she knows that by me serving, it allows me to express how much I love her.
Yes, there have been times when I’ve gotten sad and done things with less than my best effort. Those times (see blog posts off and on during 2017 for examples) came as a result from Katie NOT being overly dominant and NOT because she was less than dominant. For me, I thrive living under her dominant spirit. I love being married to a confident secure woman. I love knowing she can trust me. I love thinking she trusts me. I love knowing she isn’t afraid of me snapping at her the way Steve might have done with Sandra. I love knowing Katie has the freedom to be who she is and express herself without reservation of me responding negatively.
It is a beautiful thing to see a woman live this way. She isn’t hen-pecked. She has never been ridiculed by her husband. She doesn’t live with a history of being put down or told she isn’t good enough or isn’t pretty enough or doesn’t do things well enough. She doesn’t live knowing her husband doesn’t approve of her the way he did when they were first married.
My sacrifice, and the sacrifice of others like me who have willingly submitted to their spouse, demonstrate love for their dominant partner in a manner that is deeper than the Steve’s of the world. It’s not that Steve doesn’t express love but his love is more limited. Steve doesn’t live selflessly. He sometimes does but at other times he only considers himself. Submissive husbands don’t have that choice – nor do they want that choice. They live within a context of considering what needs, wants and desires their partner has ahead of their own. They find joy in giving themselves to her. They find it highly appealing – even arousing – to serve their wife in a way that makes her feel truly special.
It is for this reason that I don’t control our finances, handle the TV remote, tell her to cook me a meal, wash my clothes or massage my back. Instead I trust her to handle our money responsibly and she shares with me what decisions she’s made in that regard. She doesn’t keep our finances a secret. I let her decide what to watch on TV and I’ve come to enjoy watching what she finds interesting. However Katie knows I love football and she will sometimes plan a Sunday afternoon so I can watch a particular game. However, if we have an event she wants to attend, then the ballgame becomes secondary. I attend the event with her in lieu of staying home and glued to the tube for three hours. I do without. Because she doesn’t like to cook or do wash, I do it. I know that every meal I make is a gift I can give to her. And I know she loves me waiting on her. She loves to be touched and when she tells me to rub her back or give her a massage I do so willingly. I find pleasure in giving and I find her body highly arousing.
Are there times when I’m tired and don’t want to perform a task? Of course there are, and if I were Steve I might tell Sandra, I’m not cooking dinner, you cook it, or I’ll do this job tomorrow. But I don’t go there. Instead I push through those lulls of life and do what I’ve agreed to do and what she asks of me. And for us, it works.
To Wayne: This is but one golden nugget that can be found within a loving dominant/submissive lifestyle that I hope you can someday come to understand. For you, let me put it this way: if you were ever in love, think back to that time when you gave her that engagement ring. Think back to when you were planning on marrying this woman of your dreams. At that time in your life that woman lived life to her fullest. You saw her very best. She loved you in a way that was different than she did five years later because you hadn’t hurt her spirit. You hadn’t let her down. You hadn’t left her out of the loop on things; you hadn’t done things she didn’t approve. At that time in your life she trusted you. Because she saw only your very best she’d do anything for you and you’d do anything for her. You welcomed each day and couldn’t wait to spend it with her. You didn’t argue; you didn’t fight; you often let her decide where she wanted to eat or where she wanted to spend an evening with you - just because you knew it made her smile. Well this is how a submissive man lives when married to a dominant wife and because he puts his wife’s needs ahead of his own, and because he hasn’t caused her unnecessary pain via words or deeds, his wife lives with a fullness that is akin to that time when she was engaged. It is a beautiful thing, but it takes a strong, secure man to go there. It takes a man who is willing to let go of some things in order to get a whole lot more in return.
Saturday, November 4, 2017
If you live in the USA and haven’t been living under a rock for the past month you’ve heard of a number of men who’ve been accused – some by as many as 300 women – of sexual harassment. What in the world is going on? In some way it’s not new news at all but because these men are in the public eye it’s gotten the media’s attention – and I’m glad it has. It needs to stop. While listening to the news on this subject I mentioned to Katie that these guys need to be locked– meaning their genitals.
Some months ago I toyed with the idea of writing a femdom story. The setting was that of a university. The triggering incident had to do with a female student being sexually assaulted. She happened to be the latest of a list of females who fell victim to the hormones of their male counterparts. It just so happened that several women who believed in FLR/female supremacy worked at that school and the president of the university was married to a man addicted to porn. The net result of these differing factors resulted in a mandate put forward to the Board of Trustees to consider requiring all males to remain locked in chastity if they chose to attend this prestigious institution. Of course, their keyholder would be a female student. Although I started the story, I never did finish it as I had no idea how where I wanted to go with it but I had fun playing with the idea.
There is a picture I once saw on the internet. It is that of a boy and girl, both being no more than 4 or 5 years and both dressed only in underwear. The picture shows the little girl facing the boy. She has her panties pulled away from her body and she’s looking down. The caption of the picture reads “I’m going to rule you one day with this.”
I had a psych teacher who often said, “There is a little bit of truth in everything that is said.” He was probably right. And there is a good deal of truth in the caption of that picture. If you read FLR blogs you know there is a common theme that addresses the harnessing of a male’s preoccupation with his genitals and the female body. In many FLRs, sex is used as a point of leverage for women to get what they want. That may be more attention, devotion or effort from her man. By teasing, flirting, dressing provocatively or just being attractive in his eyes she uses her sexuality to maintain control.
Isn’t the female body an amazing piece of work? I sure think it is and you know any guy post puberty does too. Guys look. They look again. They lick their chops. They think, ‘God she’s good looking.” And their admiration of this gorgeous creature has nothing at all to do with her occupation or wisdom or personality. The only reason she was gawked at had to do with the shape of her body – or simply because she was a woman.
I suggest all of us are closet Harvey Weinstein’s and James’ Toback’s and Bill Cosby’s to one degree or another. No we haven’t committed the act. We haven’t groped or forced a woman to do things they don’t want to do but then again, haven’t we gone there in our minds at least once? In the Good Book, Jesus takes the writings of the 10 Commandments a step further. He takes the commandment of not committing adultery a step further and tells the pompous religious leaders, if you’ve lusted in your heart, you already committed adultery. Pretty heavy words for those thinking they were above reproach. He speaks of where the mind went and in a FLR isn’t it all about keeping the male mind in a specific place?
I know I’ve succumbed to viewing women as objects. I admire the female form. I especially love looking at my wife’s’ body. She’s drop-dead gorgeous. Last week I stood watching her and said, “it’s not fair.” “What’s not,” she asked. “You being so gorgeous.” And it’s not. She’s so easy on the eyes. Every part of her is inviting; her shape, her figure, her assets –oh how I love her assets!
Now there are a million ways to take what’s written above. I’ll go off in one direction only.
My wife could have anything in the world simply by using her assets to her advantage. When we go out to eat and she’s showing a little while sitting across from me, my blood pressure rises – especially in certain places. I love looking at her ample cleavage. Who in the world knows why I do, but in my eyes, her breasts are akin to one of the wonders of the world. They’re beautiful. She’s beautiful. When I see her dressed in a simple T and it’s not tucked in but hanging away from her hips because her breasts have lifted it out, I drool. I find that look so sexy. When I walk behind and observe the subtle sway of her hips I smile and am beyond thankful thinking she’s mine.
I don’t feel sorry for those who have let their sexual urges get the best of them but I do understand to some degree. I don’t agree with their actions but I understand why. As a man, I know how important it is to keep my eyes (and especially my mind) under control. It’s one thing to admire. It’s another to lust. I save the longings for only one person and she knows it. And to tell you the truth, she loves it. She loves it because she knows my desirous eyes reflect both my admiration as well as the control she welds over me. No day passes when I don’t tell her how much I love her and how pretty I think she is. She loves the compliments. She also loves knowing she controls whether or not she allows me to pursue my urges. She lives knowing her husband views her delicious body with admiration - all the time.
We never knew one another as pre-schoolers but if we had, I’m sure she would have looked down inside her panties and told me how she would someday use that part of her body and other parts not yet developed to control my world.
I hope you feel the same way about the woman who you love.
Saturday, October 28, 2017
Below is guest post #2 from my dear friend Katie Christian. Enjoy.
When it comes to relationships that are female-led, there is no one size fits all. Certainly, there is room for alternative ways of thinking. From what I gather reading other blogs, many if not most FLR are designed for the wife to have sex at her choosing with the husband being restricted from asking for it.
Sex is always of my choosing but the way we go about meeting my desires is different. I want to be pursued and cannot imagine having a relationship with my husband that requires I always be the initiator. I like being pursued, I always have. It is one of the many things I require of my husband. As a woman, being pursued by a man does something for me. To know that that man desires me, wants me, to the point of risking rejection, just to have my attention, however fleeting it may be.It still happens in public even though I am clearly married and though I have no intention of ever following through, I still like the attention.
In our relationship, my hubby understands that I will be pursued. And I require that he pursue me. Everyday. It doesn't have to be long and involved but he must approach me each and every day to inquire if I might be open to being pleasured. I love the thought that he approaches me, while being caged, to see if I might want some pleasure today. Certainly, more times than not he faces certain rejection, but his love for me compels him to try and so try he does. That touches me. I wake every day knowing at some time today he will seek my affections and I have full right to reject his efforts. And yet tomorrow, he will try again. His efforts to seduce me, to convince me to be pleasured, knowing that my pleasure is his reward warms my heart. Ok, and other places too! Each time is different and I enjoy planning what my response is going to be.
Sometimes his efforts are brief. He approaches me and I know by the look in his eyes what he is wanting. His kisses are met with pursed lips and no response. He may begin to kiss my neck, which usually is a sure thing only to be brushed aside with this statement. "men who have time to play are men who need more chores". I then assign him something that needs doing and walk away.
Other times I will let his efforts go forward and respond mildly to his kisses and touches before softly saying thank you but not today. Or, thank you but I personally took care of the matter myself earlier today before backing up to look in his eyes. Looking into his eyes at a time like that with a faint smile on my face is a moment for us. He has never said so, but I can tell it does something for him.
Then there are days when I allow him to seduce me as far as me getting naked and into bed before directing him to provide me a back rub. Or I may lay on my back and have him kiss me while my fingers work their magic. There is something about the passion of kissing a man whose male member is in a cage and he is fully aware that it is not coming off. He has sworn to never masturbate again and he is tasked with helping me do that very thing. To have him swallow the cries of my orgasm while he is prohibited from having one. Knowing he pursued me for the privilege of doing just that.Or I may engage the use of his fingers. Or tongue. Or face. Or even his cage. When I am feeling particularly randy I have had him take his pants off and I mount him and rub myself on his cage. If I can get it just right it feels so good. When that "moment" comes I like to lift myself up on my arms and stare into his eyes so we can enjoy it together. I think I may have scared him recently when I got myself close to orgasm on his cage before crawling up his chest to whisper in his ear that the timing of his next breath will be determined by how effective his tongue is and then straddling his face and settling down.Good thing for him I had timed it just right and had already started to come as I dragged my femininity across his chin.
My sweet hubby lays aside his ego, risks almost certain rejection, all for the sake of pursuing me. Is it any wonder why I feel so very good about myself?
Sunday, October 22, 2017
When we first started this venture so many years ago there were more times than not when Katie would say something to the effect of, “Do you want to ……..?” My response would often be, “So, was that a question?”
Our banter was all in fun but the point to my response was to remind her that she’s the one who is in charge and I’m the one who should be obeying - not deciding. As time went on her questions became less frequent and were replaced by statements. I think we were both happier with the result.
I started thinking about the way she phrased her sentences that pertained to telling me what she wanted about a month ago. I notice she she started telling me what to do in short clipped sentences and the change from the usual was obvious. I didn’t know why the change but I sure did enjoy it. “Pick that up.” “Come here.” “Look at this.” “Make me breakfast.” “Rub my back.” “Go make me coffee.” For about a week she was on a roll and I was loving life.
I found it interesting how my life as her submissive became both more fun and so much easier when she started a sentence with a verb. Go, come, pick, fix, make, do, clean, get, etc. ….. All those little verbs simplified my life and they also reinforced her dominance.
Personally I’d much rather hear, “Make me breakfast,” than have to interpret, “I think I’m getting a little hungry.” The former is so easy to obey. All I need to do is find out what she wants to eat. The latter leaves things hanging. I’m not sure if she’s thinking out loud. I don’t quite know if she wants me to get something ready now or within the hour. I have to ask to figure things out. The “I think I’m getting hungry” comment is akin to “do you want to fix me breakfast?” question. It is both not very directive and it is not at all empowering for her.
I’m all about female empowerment. I want my daughters to be treated like royalty. I don’t want my dad giving my mom a hard time. I want my female co-workers respected. I want Katie to feel like the queen she is. In order for that to happen women need to have a take-charge attitude. Words are powerful tools that can help make that respect happen. The more open-ended a statement is; the more often a statement is expressed as a question, the less likely there is for women to get the empowerment they rightly deserve.
Friday, October 6, 2017
Many years ago I taught at the college/university level. Students I taught had as their objective, not only graduating but also passing a national exam which provided them with the required professional credential necessary for employment in their field of study. I made it a practice on every first class to review the course syllabus and explain what I expected of them and what they could expect from me.
When I got to discussing the nature of the course exams I always stated, “I don’t want you to get an A on my exam.” That always got their attention. I went on to explain my definitions of a ‘C’ (average) a ‘B’ (better than most) and an ‘A’ (you know everything). I personalized those definitions to make my point. “So if you get a B that means you are doing better than most people sitting here. Not everyone can do better than most, can they?”
I loved giving them a dose of reality but in truth I wanted them to think beyond the immediate. I didn’t want them to come into class thinking they were going to get an A or a B without mastering the material. I wanted them to work. I didn’t want them to just do well enough to pass my exam, I wanted them to really understand the content and concepts. I wanted them to recall four-years of information in order to pass their professional exam when it was time to take it. That was the goal. The class they took from me was only a small part of the total picture.
And so I pushed them. If you’d ask them now, they’d tell you my classes were challenging. Well good. They needed to be challenged. They needed to be pushed. I encountered many a tear, and many a ‘I can’t do this’. Every now and again someone would drop the course but the vast majority pressed on. They made the choice to do what I asked. They made the choice to work hard and those that did, received the A’s and B’s they earned. Sometimes I watched them struggle. For as much as my heart went out to them in their struggle to succeed, I knew I had to keep pushing them to do better, be more precise, and come to see the’ why’ beyond the ‘what’ they were doing.
What I learned over the years were several things. If I took an interest in them and let them know I cared, they responded positively. If I didn’t settle for mediocrity neither would they. If I set the standard for the grade they sought high, they went after it.
I tell you that story because so many parallels exist between teaching students and leading a submissive. Dominant women who don’t require much from their submissives will get exactly that – not much out of them. Dominant women who only have their submissives do things for them every now and again will end up with a man whose mind might remain on them but more often than not will wander elsewhere. Dominant women who feel guilty when having to render consequences for misbehavior, forgetfulness, or poor effort will reap what they sow. They will have a husband who knows he can get away with things if he wants.
In many ways my Katie fits the bill of an easy teacher. Yes, I have agreed to submit and yes she has told me I have to do chores X, Y and Z. However, I can’t tell you the last time those chores were critiqued. I can’t tell you the last time she has added more to my list. I can’t tell you the last time she’s made me repeat a chore because it wasn’t done properly. In many ways Katie has allowed me to submit – somewhat on my own terms – if that makes sense. She has allowed me to do things when I want, rather than when she wants.
But here is the problem with that way of thinking and leading. If a mistress expects little, she will get little. If she requires more, she will get more. If she requires much, she will get much. What complicates matters when it comes to relationships of all kind is the human element. He has feelings as do you. You having him do more might initially feel awkward. Him having to do more might frustrate him (as in, ‘aren’t I doing enough already?’). But remember, he wants to serve you. As his mistress you have every right to demand is everything. Think about that. His everything. His all. If he is your submissive, and you are his dominant, don’t you have a right to demand his life revolve around you?
While writing this post, Katie just sent me a text. It was a copy of a check from me having worked on the side. I commented it was me earning my keep. She responded, “this is your mistress’ money”. She wants all of my finances. She views it as hers. She gets quite a bit every two weeks. I get $20. That is being demanding. But I have learned to live within her parameters. Some may see the little I get as being wrong and selfish and inconsiderate but I believe Katie sees this as one way to keep me dependent on her. I have to rely on her financially, and for us, this has worked well.
I’m going to see a ‘boy doctor’ soon. Katie asked how I am going to answer him should he ask how often I ejaculate. “I’m going to tell him the truth,” I answered. “So you’re going to tell him you only cum around major holidays?” Was her reply. We both chuckled but I understood the implied words of her answer. She controls my orgasms. I don’t. I don’t have releases very often yet we have sex lots. Those times are for her pleasure. She is the focus. We become close when she wants and that period of closeness comes to an end when she has had enough. It’s not for me to decide when and for how long (although I’m always open to the possibility :). Some would view this as her being selfish and in some ways it is. But I understand my role is to provide and she understands her freedoms. My body is there for hers to enjoy, on her time schedule and frequency. We have a one-way relationship when it comes to being intimate – but we both love things as they are.
Asserting control can be a powerful tool to control your man’s mind. I am of the belief that men are mountain climbers. We are goal oriented and once we’ve reached ‘that goal’, we tend to move on. Unfortunately conquering our wives can be one of those mountains we climb. Once we get her, it’s easy to move on, especially when the marriage is getting on in years and the honeymoon feelings have long passed.
But in a FLR, the wife can keep her man from ever reaching the point where he thinks about moving on. She can keep his attention on her. By doing so, she can keep her marriage alive and rich and rewarding. She can keep his thoughts and actions on her and she can reap the benefits of the gifts he has to offer. She can have her dream marriage.
But in order to maintain him where he needs to be, may necessitate her not always being nice. Sometimes she needs to assert her authority, express her frustrations, be critical in how he is performing, and so on. She must maintain control when his dominant side rears its head. She can’t be a push over. She can’t give him power. She can’t allow him to think he can call the shots. To do so is to walk fatally close to a line that will weaken her FLR/WLM.
So how does she avoid that error? She assumes the role of the demanding teacher. She evaluates what he currently does. She considers the freedoms she has given him. She considers if she should add to his list. She evaluates whether or not he can do more on her behalf. She approaches her assessment of him from the perspective of: he is here to please me. What more would I like him to do for me.
I know personally that when Katie pushes me. When she insists I do more. When she tells me to do things on her time-table, I rise to the occasion. It’s in my nature to obey and please. However, I also know I can be lazy when left to my own. That’s when I need her. That’s when I need her supervision and assertive nature. That’s called supervising and training your submissive. That’s teaching me to become more disciplined. Becoming more ‘her focused’ won’t happen without her supervision and insistence. But if it’s important I do more for her and less for me, she can make those changes take place. It’s all up to her.
Too many wives feel guilty when it comes to taking control of their husband in a FLR. Yet women want more than anything to be seen by their husband as the best woman he’s ever met. They want to be loved, cherished, adored, appreciated, feel secure and valued and know he sees her as beautiful both inside and out.
And the truth is ….. all that is there for her taking. It really is. It’s right there, but it’s up to her to take what is hers. Wives control their own fate. Why a woman who is married to a confessed submissive, refuses to demand more out of him but instead settles for less, I’ll never understand. Why mistresses don’t insist their husbands give their all, I’ll never fathom.
Submissive men WANT to be controlled. Ladies, YOUR control IS HIS LOVE LANGUAGE. I can’t impress the magnitude of that truth enough. Your level of control and involvement in his life is what feeds his desire to love you as his dominant. It’s what draws him close and keeps him close. Your sometimes heavy-hand and critical attitude, is what keeps his eyes and thoughts from wandering elsewhere. You, the dominant, control that. The ball is in your court. Why you don’t want to keep him right there – riveted to you in every way, I’ll never get. - and you can have it all. You can have all he has to give for so little effort.
In speaking for myself I can tell you: submission is my love language. Having Katie require more rather than less, having her be more critical of what she asks is what I want. I don’t ever interpret her dominant attitude as anything other than her expressing what is rightfully hers to express. It’s what I want. I want to see her dominance and confidence. I find her strength enticingly sexy. I love feeling her control and when I see it I view her as the most incredible woman ever. Her authority is an expression of her love for me.
But when she chooses to cater to my wants or allow me to relax while she works; when she demands less rather than more; when she refuses to remind me my life revolves around her happiness; when she puts up with my mood swings; when she doesn’t engage me in dominant/submissive conversations; when she makes sacrifices to suit me, rather than having me make sacrifices to suit her - she limits to some degree – the intensity of my love for her.
She, in effect, reduces the degree to which I impulsively want to adore, respect, and admire her. It’s not that I ever stop loving her but there is a loss in the intensity of that love when I don’t feel her dominance. I need her ‘mistressing’. I need that daily reminder that I’m hers, that I am here to serve her. When Katie expresses her dominance I change. I don’t understand all the reasons for it but I know I do. When Katie becomes truly dominant:
I become more affectionate
I become more adoring
I think about my wife more frequently when we are apart
I complement her more often
I am more open and expressive of my feelings
I am more prone to do more rather than less
I want to serve and I ache to be near her
I view her as the most wonderful person ever
All of that just happens. It just does. She gets all of that simply by exerting control. She gets all of that when she takes a little time out of her day to make sure I’m serving, working and focusing on her. She gets all of that when she states in no uncertain terms, my role in life is serving her and nothing less. She gets all of that when she takes time for the two of us to discuss our WLM openly. And of course, if she plays around and uses her sexiness to her advantage, she can get all of that and a whole lot more.
Love to hear your thoughts.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
It's my pleasure to include a post from a dear friend. I contacted Katie Christian asking if she would consider writing periodic posts. She accepted and below are some thoughts she recently penned. I encourage you to comment to share your impressions, opinions and thoughts. So without further adieu......
On Thursday evening I said to my husband that after working in the garden today a massage would feel wonderful.
That was more an expectation I was sharing, than a request. He immediately responded that he was too tired to give a massage tonight before he wandered off to finish his chores. This did not sit well with me and left me wondering what was going on.
Friday offered much time of quiet contemplation and I realized that I had been significantly more demanding lately of things I expected him to get done in spite of his work load. Additionally, I had not kept up my end of making the effort or finding the time to do those little things that inspire his attentiveness.
Like most wives we wish our husbands were more like the little oven sold on late night television, set it and forget it. But it really does not work that way in relationships.
The sexy little things I would occasionally wear had been replaced with loose jeans and a baggy t-shirt. I was no longer sliding up to him and "gripping" his manhood while telling him how much I appreciated all he did for me. I too had been too tired many an evening to be pleasured, choosing to settle for a light back rub to put me to sleep.
He has arrived to the place that he NEEDS to pleasure me or he feels cheated. WE now call MY orgasms OUR orgasms and WE hadn't had any in quite some time. No wonder he was losing his edge.
I can't remember the last time I kissed him passionately for a few minutes, rubbing myself on him before sending him to work reminding him that I would be relaxing or doing anything I wanted because he was so good to care for me. I know I have told him that many times before which made it easy to forget how much he likes hearing it. I hadn't sent him any personal pictures, no steamy texts, no teasing notes left where he would find them. When you consider I do almost no housework, am free to spend as I choose, go where and when I want, because he pours himself out to take care of me and to provide me this kind of life, I really have no excuse for not taking the little time and effort it takes to keep him engaged.
But that does not justify him telling me he was too tired to give me a massage. It just does not work that way in our household.
On Saturday morning our routine is for me to sit in a chair in our bedroom as I present the key to remove the cage he has worn all week. I have a warm wash cloth I use to take a few minutes to wash his manhood and inspect it for any chafing or damage before sending him on his way allowing him swing free for the weekend. Since we will be together the entire time it is safe to do so. But this Saturday was different. Adjustments had to be made. My cleaning and inspection had their usual effect of causing him to become engorged. I instructed him to go get me some ice cubes that I wrapped in the wash cloth and applied to his genitals to rid him of the erection. While doing so I told him I had plans for him this weekend. After re-locking him I released him to attend to his Saturday chores but told him to be ready to leave at 10:40 for a 11:00 am appointment. On Friday I had called a local massage business and told them I wanted a massage by someone with strong hands. I was too shy to ask outright for a man to give me a massage as that just feels . . . forward. My strong hands hint did in fact have the result I wanted as I was schedule to be massaged by Derek. When I arrived for the massage with my husband in tow I was introduced to Derek. He was neither handsome, nor hard on the eyes. I am bad with guessing someone's age but I would guess he was 7 or 8 years younger than me.
I told Derek that my husband was there to learn how to do massages as he led me to the room. Derek said he would return in a few minutes and that I should get as undressed as I felt comfortable and to then lie down on the table face down and pull the sheet over me.
I am not sure who was more surprised that I got completely naked, my husband or me. I had never been naked with another man in the room my entire life except for my hubby. After I laid on the table and he covered me with the sheet he settled into the chair in the corner. He looked so cute sitting there holding my clothes. Derek soon entered, adjusted the lights, turned on some music, and proceeded to send me into a relaxing bliss. The 50 minutes went by way far too fast, lost in a blur of rubbing hands and adjusted sheets. It felt somewhat naughty to be touched by another man having only a strategically situated sheet covering so little of me. Part of me worried about what hubby was feeling, but I dismissed those thoughts by reminding myself that he had his chance and blew it. When time was up and Derek excused himself from the room so I could dress, I enjoyed laying there in that room and just relaxing. I so wanted to fall asleep. I had hubby hand me my clothes and dressed in front of him then asked him to take his debit card and go pay the bill and leave Derek a good tip. Because hubby gets just $25.00 per week put into that account I knew it must have hurt a little to spend almost 4 weeks of allowance for another man to massage your wife.
When we arrived home I had hubby make lunch and we ate it on the back deck. The combination of the massage, the meal, and the laziness of a quiet Saturday afternoon had me ready for a nap. I asked husband to please bring me a tea in an hour I was going to lay down. It seems I had just laid down when I found my hair being stroked as he tried to wake me. I sat up and with my tea in one hand and using the other hand to scroll through Pinterest and then Facebook I soon sipped the tea cup empty.
When hubby came in to see what the rest of our day looked like I asked him to sit in the chair and wait. I set my laptop aside and slid down under the sheets and closed my eyes. I almost fell back to sleep. I laid there and looked out the screen door to the back deck and just enjoyed the beauty of the day. Outside it was quiet except for the sounds of nature, we live in the country, and a warmer than usual fall breeze would occasionally blow in bringing with it the smell of apples from our trees. I began to trace my fingers over my body and was surprised how sensual it all felt. I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to wander. The touch became much more intentional as both my hands found their way to just below my belly button and I celebrated my femininity. In fact I celebrated 3 or 4 times and some how finished face down with my rump in the air.
As the muscle spasms subsided and my breathing returned to normal I peeled away the sheet and approached him still sitting in the chair. Without making eye contact I walked up to him and gently rubbed my fingers under his nose before sliding them into his mouth.
That evening he asked if we could talk to which I responded that there was nothing to talk about and went about my business. Saturday night we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie of my choosing. I made sure to have him fetch and do for me.
Sunday night typically is the night that I have a soaking bath and this night was no different except I made sure to involve him in every way I could think. Wash this, brush that, trim there, paint these.
Our routine for the end of Sunday night is for me to fondle him for a while, we call it "exercise time" before putting the cage back on for the coming week. As we laid in bed I sat up, leaned over him bracing myself on his caged manhood and passionately kissed him. After a few minutes, I whispered into his ear that I was too tired for exercise time tonight and laid back down. I woke up a few hours later with my hand still on his cage. I was surprised he had fallen asleep so I gently rubbed him through the cage until he started to stir and then I went back to sleep.
He will be home in a few hours today and I have a feeling he will be a bit more attentive. What do you think?
Monday, September 11, 2017
Hello IH... I've been following your blog for a while now and I know you've had some emotional ups and downs. I'm wondering if Katie regularly practices tease and denial when you're locked up to keep you interested or if you've just learned with experience to accept her moods as law. As a busy woman/wife/mom, I find it difficult to find the energy to tease him some days, and at the same time I always carry so much guilt over not teasing as he seems to go into a depression. It’s confusing and I find the balance hard...
Rather than answering this comment on the post of which it was posted, I decided to use it as a blog topic. I find this comment to be a significant one and wanted to give it more attention than a short one paragraph answer.
The short answer to this comment is Katie doesn’t usually tease me while I’m being denied. Like this woman noted, I too went through some ups and downs but those had nothing to do with whether or not I was teased. I wanted her active involvement in our WLM. I didn’t want to be her honey-do man and feel like I was living in a vanilla marriage. I didn’t want to be just a guy who did what I was told. I wanted to be reminded I was married to a mistress. I wanted to see her dominant side. I didn’t want her always asking me questions. I wanted her taking charge and reminding me of who I was to her and have her feel free to reveal who she knew she was to me. I wanted to be owned and reminded of such.
But what does a woman to do when she feels guilty about doing or not doing something? How should she handle this kind of situation? Ultimately the answer to this question, regardless of the relationship, comes back to communication. The two of them need to talk and share honestly and openly with one another. But the two of them need to discuss issues with the understanding that ‘she’ is the one who will eventually decide, and ‘he’ will eventually agree to abide by her decision.
At the heart of a WLM, FLR, or an “I want to submit to you sweetheart” relationship, is the power dynamic shift. And at the heart of that power shift is the understanding that the woman will gain freedom while the man agrees to give up freedoms and take orders from her. He’s expected to be a compliant, obedient husband. So in the comment above, the thought that went through my mind as I read was: why should he be expected to be teased at all? I mean, think about it. Isn’t he HER submissive? And because he is, doesn’t that mean it is his role to please and serve her? Why is he expecting something from her? That’s what dominants do. They expect. Submissives don’t expect. They give. They follow. They do. Why is she feeling the pressure to do things for him? Why is she feeling guilt for not ‘doing’ something for him? Shouldn’t this be the other way around? Shouldn’t he be concerned about doing more for her?
I see this man as one who needs to better understand that stimulating his little boy will be her major focus. It might be. But then again, it may not. It all depends on what she decides and if she sees a need to do this – or wants to do this. I have read many blogs in which the WLM has an “I’ll do this for you” if “you do this for me” expectation. I don’t find that relationship to be a WLM at all. I view those relationships as ‘play’ FLR/WLMs and not real-life ones. In a real WLM the man knows his role in life is serving her. In a real WLM she expects service and knows that service should come without the expectation of returning it with a ‘treat’.
But should the woman do things for her husband? I believe the answer to that varies individually. Just as I believe it’s my responsibility is to keep Katie happy and content, it is her responsibility to make sure I do to the best of my ability. If she sees me slacking off or becoming more moody, I would hope she’d want to consider why my behavior is changing. Why is he suddenly acting this way? I’d think the thought: ‘somethings going on with him’ should come to her mind and if it does she should address the issue. That’s what dominants do. They stay on top of their submissives. They maintain control.
Maybe all that’s needed is for her to sit me down and flesh out the issue. “I don’t care what you want to share, I want the truth and I want all of the truth. Now start talking.” Maybe she needs to consider whether or not she has changed. Has she stopped giving him the attention he needs? Has life gotten so busy that his submission has taken a back seat to all that is going on in her world at the moment? Maybe all that is needed is for her to express her dominance more overtly. Maybe she needs to fill his sexual tank (by serving her, of course). Whatever she decides, at the heart of it all is her doing enough to reinforce her dominance and his submission and remind him he is loved (both as her husband AND as her submissive).
I will say this about my own life: I don’t get all that I want – ever. Even though I wish she would do/permit/allow more, when those feelings of ‘loss’ come, I step back and realize what I do have. I have a woman that loves me. I have a woman that knows she is in charge. I have a woman that does things her way. I believe if this woman can see those traits in herself she will move to a deeper level of understanding regarding what it means to be in charge. Bosses won’t please everyone. It just doesn’t happen in life. My second suggestion is this: I guarantee that if she assumes greater control of his life (meaning she demands more, pushes harder, expects more, stops asking questions and makes her desires made known in clear direct statements) he will forget all about his want to have her stimulate him. Stimulation is a mind-thing. Yet we men are sexually oriented but submission is a state of mind. Deal with his mind and he will be yours forever.
I wish I could have a conversation with this woman. (and my email is: firstname.lastname@example.org should you wish to write). I wish I had the chance to understand her situation more clearly. I wish I knew how long she’s been the dominant person in the relationship. Too many unknowns. If this is a newer relationship, his response makes more sense. I say that because I believe it takes time for men to learn what it really means to be a submissive. Too many men ‘expect’ something in return for being submissive. I disagree. They shouldn’t expect anything. They should always know they are loved and appreciated but they shouldn't expect. Should she choose give him something that stimulates his submissive mind, he should view her gift as a treat and not as something he will get every time he repeats that task. That mentality promotes the desire for him to manipulate her for his benefit. Submissives don’t do that. What he should expect is her uncompromising, unwavering love and understanding that as a dominant woman she will take her of him as she sees fit.
I don't believe this woman shouldn’t feel as if she needs to tease when she doesn’t have the time (or desire). That is her prerogative as the mistress. And it’s his duty to accept whatever she chooses. Of course if she wants to fill his submissive tank, she can tease in lots of ways. They may or may not involve touching. Speaking certain words, sending well worded texts, engaging him in a short conversation when the day starts to set the proper tone, etc. I’m sure she already knows what some of his ‘submissive triggers’ are and can use them to remind (and stimulate) him with little effort.
I recently read about a husband who was becoming moody. His wife had him put his collar on and that act brought about a behavioral change. How much effort did that take? Now I’m sure she said some things that flipped all the right switches in his submissive mind when she snapped that collar on, but my point is, she did something that was easy for her and brought about the change he needed.
What I believe may not be what you do. If you feel differently, chime in. Share your point of view. I encourage you to express your thoughts. How would you answer this woman’s question and help her overcome these feelings of guilt?