Thursday, August 10, 2017

Spreading the word

At work today I encountered a late 20’s colleague who recently married.  “Hi Mike,” I asked. “How is married life?” I was aware he married at some point earlier this summer.

It was such a simple question but one in which he responded with an answer that was far from simple. It began with the deep audible exhalation that had a ‘whew’ sound to it. He followed that emotional release with, “it’s been an adjustment.” 

I grinned. There were two other women in the office area and I noticed one immediately suppress a similar grin.  Of course the ever inquisitive me couldn’t resist and I pressed on with something to the effect of ‘what’s the problem?”

He talked about how tough it’s been to all of a sudden live with another person and expressed some of the difficulty he’s been having in working through their differences.  Room temperature, who’s going to watch what on TV, sleep habits, the predictable toilet seat battle, and more. 

“Michael, I’m going to give you a piece of advice from an old guy,” I said after letting him vent. “There is such truth to that old adage a happy wife means a happy life. Just let things go. They are not that important. Really they aren't. Why can’t you enjoy watching what she watches?”

"I know," he answered solemnly. He listened and one woman nodded but then added added "it works both ways".  I said nothing more until we left the office area together. Once we did and had some privacy I looked him in the eye and spoke.

“You know I was married once for over 20 years but ended up in a divorce.” He didn’t know that and I knew it. “I remarried and am happier than I’ve ever been. But do you know what? When I separated I spent a lot of time thinking over why things went bad with my marriage and what I did to help make it fail. One thing that kept coming to mind was my controlling nature. I wanted to control the money. I wanted to watch what I wanted on TV, go where I wanted to go and I constantly questioned my wife’s decisions.”

Michael listened. I had his ear. “But when I remarried I made a choice to let go. Michael I am so happy and we are so happy. We don’t butt heads. We don’t argue. I gave her the remote one day and told her, ‘this is yours’. Of course I told her I’d love to watch football on Sunday but if she wants to go out and do something on a Sunday afternoon then that's what we do. And I don’t pout. I’ll hear what the score was later and I can read all about it for all of the following week.”

“And as to the toilet seat, I make sure it’s down when I’m done.” (I didn’t tell him I usually sit).

“You know,” he said with feeling, “she woke me up at 2:30 in the morning because I left the seat up.”

I grinned and told him that her waking him wasn't all because he left the seat up. I mean it was but then again, it wasn’t. It was about him not considering her needs above his own. Just put it down when you're done, I suggested. I challenged him by asking why the default position for a toilet seat needs to be in the up position. Why can’t it be down?

Again, Michael listened and I’m sure we will have follow up discussions in the weeks ahead.  At no time did I speak of obedience, submission, or power exchange. I kept it simple and straight forward and yet I remained honest and open with him.  It was easy for me to see there is a power struggle going on in their home. Each is trying to establish and mark their territory. Each hopes the other will yield to the other. What I wanted Michael to hear was another option. I wanted him to consider that rather than fighting for what he felt he deserved that a better alternative might be letting his new bride have her way. Isn't that what love in action looks like - putting others first?

At one point I told him about one of my children and their spouse. This boy who married into the family keeps the thermostat at a temp that makes it uncomfortable for his wife (my daughter) and always has the TV on a sports channel even when there is no one in the room to watch it. He watches sports all the time. I know she doesn’t like his TV habits and doesn’t appreciate him changing the temp all the time. 

“Michael, I’ve been debating if I should insert my thoughts into my kids marriage by telling her husband that he’s being selfish and thinking of himself first. He has no leg to stand on. He is being selfish. He is putting himself first. It’s obvious that he is. Can’t you see that?”

Again, Michael, somewhat wide-eyed and attentive, nodded. “He’s putting a damn sports game ahead of his wife (who by the way is gorgeous) and he’s doing the same thing with the temperature. It’s all about him and she doesn't like it and I think he's making bad choices that will eventually hurt their marriage."

I hope Mike thinks about our short talk. I hope he reconsiders his options. I hope he starts putting the desires of his wife ahead of his own.  I hope you do the same with yours.

I’m Hers

Saturday, August 5, 2017

A Woman's View of Submission

Some weeks ago I was reading another blog. In the comment section I found a short statement on what this particular wife expected of her husband.  Now I specifically did not use the words mistress or submissive but it is my belief there is clearly a dominant and submissive/secondary partner in this marital bond. Here is what she wrote (with me doing some minor edits)

"I have no desire to subjugate or humiliate my husband. I do however expect his world to revolve around mine. I am his purpose, nothing less. My happiness is his goal, my satisfaction is his aim. We have gotten to the place that we understand that women were created with the ability to have multiple orgasms. He no longer has orgasms during our times of intimacy. For health reasons, I still allow my husband to discharge, but only in a practical, functional way. He derives his pleasure from giving, and I provide him that opportunity. "

Upon reading that paragraph, one word and one emotion kept resonating in me: 'wow!'

So many blogs discuss dominance and submission from a 'you do this for me and I'll do that for you' mindset.  I'm sure the majority of submissive men enter into D/s relationships with the expectation they will be getting something from their dominate partner. Its my opinion that very few men agree to submit unilaterally.  My guess is it has much to do with their woman being new to the idea of being dominant. It's difficult to break the stereotypical mold of how grandmom and even Mother viewed and cared for their husbands.

But regardless of how we felt back then (or if you are considering popping the 'I want to submit to you' question to the woman you love), consider the above statement. What can we glean from it?

First, she makes it clear she wants to respect her husband. She has no interest in turning him into anything less of the man whom she fell in love with. Second, and now we get to the nitty-gritty, she makes the direct statement that her marriage is a one way road. She expects him to do what is needed to satisfy her. "I expect his world to revolve around me. I am his purpose, nothing less. My happiness is his goal; my satisfaction is his aim."

Pretty powerful words. Very powerful words.  What she never stated was the two-way aspect of their relationship. Now that doesn't mean it isn't there. It doesn't mean she doesn't satisfy his need to feel loved and accepted and appreciated but it sure appears her reciprocation comes secondary to his efforts to satisfy her. 

Isn't this an ideal definition of what it means to truly submit? I have been thinking about her comment for weeks now. I found her thought so succinct and well stated. There's no fluff. She goes straight to the heart of what it is she expects from her husband - service. She addresses their sexual relationship but there was really no need. Having a man who is dedicated to put her priorities first at all times includes what goes on in the bedroom, what happens during their Saturday and Sundays together, how they interact when with friends, vacations, menu, house chores, social outings, etc., etc.  

Rather than go on and on I'd rather hear your thoughts. How would you feel if your wife made the above statement to you? How would you feel if the one rule your wife gave you on no uncertain terms was "I expect you to put me first and make me your number one priority in everything you do." What if you countered with something to the effect of 'sure I will but....." and she cut you off right there? What if she told you that as her submissive it's not about what I do for you but rather you finding unprecedented joy by serving me?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I'm Hers

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Unseen Submission

Since that (wonderfully) fateful day when I approached my wife after having had many discussions about a FLR and the eventual evening when I asked if she would take me as her sub I’ve learned quite a bit about myself as well as what it means to be the submissive partner.  I know that I, like many, entered into the world of FLR/WLM with the expectation that there would be a thrill-aspect to it. And I will admit, there has been to some degree. But after those first years came and went and the novelty of it all became life’s norm, I realized there was another side to submission. There was a mundane side to it all. I soon realized that I'd be in the kitchen every day and doing the same chores, every day or week. What then gave me a psychological high morphed into me just doing hat she wanted - all the time.

Maybe it’s kin to being married. There is the expectation of being a couple, the actual ceremony, the honeymoon and honeymoon period that follows….. but then life goes on. It’s not that it becomes a negative part of life but it doesn’t feel the same as when first married.  With respect to my submission, I have entered the point where the beginning happened so long ago and the end will never be (nor do I want it to end) that I’m in that middle zone, simply living as a submissive man to my wonderful wife.

Submission is both a concrete – you do this for me – thing as well as a psychological state of being – I only want to make you happy. 

I was making breakfast for Katie some time ago when I first thought something quite significant. I was about to select an egg to fry. I had a choice. Do I give her the largest two eggs or cook her the smaller ones and keep the larger ones for me? A few minutes later I sliced two pieces of bread to toast. Again I thought: do I give her the larger slice or the smaller? When the toast was ready I needed to butter it. Again I thought: do I butter it on her plate and leave bread crumbs or butter it on mine and place the toast (all pretty and ready) on her plate? 

As I made my choices – all good ones, mind you, I realized that Katie knew nothing about what I was thinking, nor what I did.  Those simple choices were unseen reinforcers of who I was and who she was. There was no thrill in what I did. I was just making her breakfast; something I do every day of the week, every week of the month, and every month of the year.  I didn’t do anything more than prepare her a plate of food.  But there was a ton more going on internally and those choices happen all the time.

For example, when entering a restaurant, I let her decide on which side of the table she wants to sit. When leaving to go somewhere I let her decide if she wants to drive or not. When we shop, I walk slightly behind so that she has the choice go where she wants in the store without feeling like she is following me. When I set out towels and washcloths I select the nice ones that I know she loves rather than just choosing an older one. When she’s watching a show, I won't distract her with questions or conversation until a commercial break if I know she's really focused on the program. When taking tops/shirts out of the wash that shouldn't be dried I hang hers first and mine after. It ensures the wrinkles stay out of her tops this way.  

Katie knows nothing about the choices I make with any of the above examples. Yet with each opportunity I have the privilege of making a choice to reinforce my submissive status. Although she is not a part of the mental decisions that precede my actions, I have the ability to willingly submit. I don't need to wait for her to remind me I'm hers. I can do that myself. 

You and I both know we're submissives to the one we serve and don't need to bug her to remind us of such. By making the choice to give her the better portion, to let her decide what she wants, to give her the best we have the offer, we can reinforce our submission through self directed means rather than by waiting for her to remind us we are.

I know my examples seem trivial, and in many ways they are. But most of what we do from the time we wake until we sleep is trivial. The degree of submission we show our dominant is a choice. We can show that during those 'wow' moments - and we should - but we must demonstrate our submissive status during the 100's of little choices that make up our day.

So I leave you with this thought: as you live out your day, what have you done to demonstrate your submission to your wife? Which of those are actions will she notice (bowing, kissing her feet, calling her mistress or goddess, etc)? and which are ones will she never see (choosing to serve her the nicest of the steaks you just cooked, etc)?  I hope as you think back on the week that was and as you enter the coming one, make your day filled with all kinds of examples that fit into both categories.

I'm Hers

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Submissive Desires: a comparative analogy

"I'm a good dog, but if you don't pet me once in a while, it's hard to keep me under the porch" 

Fido lives at 202 Main Street. He’s a dog with a great owner. He gets fed twice a day, always has fresh water and is even taken for walks every weekend.  Living next to him at 204 Main is his friend Duke. Duke is a year older than Fido and has, not one, but two owners. Not only does he get fed twice a day but every evening he gets to enjoy eating wet food. He doesn't have to wait until the weekend to be walked. Each evening he strolls the neighborhood with his owner. They walk until he eventually takes a poop. What's so funny to Duke is that his owner will always pick up his warm poop and put it in a plastic bag and carry it home. Whenever they do, it always makes Duke smile. 

Fido's other neighbor is Lassie who lives at 200 Main. She’s a cute Collie and lives in luxury. Like Duke she has a large fenced in yard. Fido's owners has a large yard too but Fido can only go outside into a small fenced enclosure to do his business. He cant run all the way to the back fence the way Duke and Lassie can. But Fido gets to spend his day inside along with Duke and Lassie.  

Lassie’s owner takes her for walks every day but she also drives her to the dog-park so Lassie can play with all her friends and catch up on the latest. Lassie is the only one on the street to be fed organic food and her coat reflects the high-end diet she gets to enjoy.  Lassie is brushed every night too and even gets to sleep on the same bed as her owner every night.  Life for her is the best.
As a submissive have you ever felt like Fido when you read this blog or other blogs written by dominant women or other submssive men? I know I have. But you know, being Fido isn’t so bad. He has all of his needs met. His owner provides him with food, shelter, companionship, love and even gives him treats every now and again, like the weekend walks every Saturday and Sunday.  But I’m sure Fido is sometimes tempted to think what life might be like if he were to live with Duke or Lassie.  On the other hand, he is reminded of what life is like for his friend Max who lives behind him and is chained up in the back yard and sleeps in a dog house year round. Sometimes he even thinks of his buddy Rex who still lives at the kennel because no one has taken a liking to him and brought him home.

You see, too many of us expect to live the life of Lassie. Lassie represents the submissive who is given those treats your mistress doesn’t give you. It’s the Lassie’s and Dukes of the world that tempt us to want more than what we currently have. What we often forget is life could just as easily be like Max or Rex or any of the other thousands like them. Personally, I know the extent of my happiness with my owner depends in large part, on my level of contentment with the treats and daily life my owner provides for me.

I promised to address a comment posted by sublove some weeks ago. He asked if my mistress was stroking me enough to keep me content. He posed the question because there was a period some months ago when I lived the life of Fido but ached to have all that Lassie got to enjoy.  I fell into the trap of wanting more - of wanting to have what other bloggers sometime got. It caused me to fall into a downward spiral for some weeks as I kept hoping my owner would give me more.  

About the time sublove posted his comment I began to realize (with the help of Lady Grey) I had it pretty good. I am loved, appreciated and cared for. I’m married to the hottest babe around. She’s gorgeous both inside and out.  I live with a woman who knows she is in charge and has specific expectations for me. She promised me on the day we married to be my mistress for the rest of my life. She's playful and fun to be with. We have a great sex life; we are the best of friends, and have many similar interests. I have so much for which to be thankful. When comparing my life to other male friends I quickly understand just how good I have it.
But I don’t’ live the same life as other men I know from reading various blogs. My life is unique. It’s unique because the things that comprise my average day are things designed to please Katie. She’s the one to whom I submitted and she is the one who directs the path of my life.

I have time to think during my day. While driving to and from work, while cooking and doing chores I often spend time in my own world thinking. After sublove wrote and asked if I felt I was being stroked enough, I thought of all the stroking my wife provides. She allows me to serve her around the house all the time; she keeps me chaste whenever we're apart; she denies me for weeks and sometimes months at a time even though we enjoy intimacy quite often; she controls our finances but allots me an allowance; she is the primary decision maker but seeks my opinion more times than not. She views me as her submissive and has no hesitation in having me do something on her behalf. 

But there is a limit to what she will and won’t do as my dominant. She doesn’t spank me even though the thought of her doing so really intrigues me. I think it would bond us but it’s not her cup of tea. She doesn’t make me work 24/7 when I’m home. Yet there are times when I wish she’d push me hard (just because she can) as a way to reinforce our respective positions as a couple. I think if she did it would strengthen our D/s bond. But do I wish for her to be this way all the time? No I don’t. I love her just the way she is. You see, I don’t have it all but then again, maybe not getting everything I want is what is best for me.

I made a choice some months ago that helped get me out of my funk. I decided to just do what I was told. When I did I began to see Katie in a different light. I was also able to see me for who I was - her sub.  I made the decision to enjoy the life I have with her and be thankful for all she gives me as both my wife and my mistress. I made a choice to relish in the fact she sees herself as the dominant partner and knows she has a husband who lives to serve her. I made the choice to be thankful for all the little submissive treats she gives me rather than only hope for ones others get and I don’t.

I have so much for which to be thankful.  Men sometimes write me. There are some who see themselves as submissive but have wives who will not accept their submission. Men have poured out their heart in despair over the plight they find themselves. They wish only to serve and be seen for who they are by the woman they love. Because their wife doesn't they are left feeling empty and lost.

It only takes a moment of thinking on what could be for me to realize all that Katie has blessed me with. She as accepted me for who I am and taken me to be hers. She lovingly dominates me and enjoys having a partner who will do those things she cares not to do. I am a Fido. I’ll never be a Lassie but that doesn’t mean I’m loved life any less. The Fido in me is stroked plenty and feeling quite content these days.

Thanks sublove for giving me such deep things to think about. You helped more than you might know.

I’m Hers

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Answering Questions

Navpress shared many thoughts on the “united we stand, divided we fall” post. I promised to address his concerns in a post rather than a comment since I believe he has unearthed some significant concerns that many men struggle with.  I also believe I have struggled with some of the same things he has.  

Let me begin by talking about my weekend. It takes a while to mow our yard. We have two push mowers – one older mower (that we thought was dead but one I was able to resurrect) and a new one. Katie had been mentioning how the yard needed mowing but it’s been oppressively hot here the last several days. I offered to do it all but she never agreed to me doing so. A day or so after that initial 'the yard needs mowing' conversation she told me it was time to get the yard done. I offered to do it but she explained she would be doing it as well since we could get it done faster. And we did. A half hour or so later it was done and the mowers were put away. Besides getting the yard done in half the time we had the chance to sit on the porch and cool off together and enjoy a cold beverage - something we wouldn't have done had I mowed alone (because there would have been zero chance in Katie coming outside and sitting beside a sweaty man on a hot day :) 

The following day she told me the carpets and tile floors needed cleaning. She woke yesterday and explained this was the day to get that project done. So while I vacuumed the entire downstairs she got the carpet cleaner out and fired up. While I worked on vacuuming and sweeping other rooms, she tackled the main carpet. When I finished with my vacuuming I tackled the tile floor. It took us but an hour or so and we were through.

We have a painting project on our agenda that we’ll start sometime in the next week and I can assure you she will do as much as I.

I say these things because Navpressed expressed the frustration of doing so many house chores but having his wife tell him his efforts make her feel lazy.  He put it like this, “I have been told by her that I make her feel lazy because I do all the house chores before she gets a chance and that I do too much yard work before she gets a chance to get out there”

When he read that comment I did so on the heels of our house cleaning and mowing adventures.  I too would love to do more for Katie but I have come to realize that she doesn’t like to just sit around and do nothing while I spend hours alone working. She enjoys the exercise of getting out and pushing a mower. She likes the satisfaction of cleaning her home. She enjoys doing things with me, rather than watching me do it all. Now, there are times when she'll tell me to do it all but we do many things together.  We do so because that is what she wants.

I have learned that submission is far more about obedience than it is about work. Submission is about catering to the needs and wants of one’s mistress. That may mean doing 90% of the daily chores or only doing 30% of them. It all depends on what mistress wishes. For example, Katie won’t ever set foot in the kitchen. She hates cooking. She hates cleaning dishes and so I’m the one relegated to that job. But Cathy from Femdom 101 cooks. She has mentioned in the past how she enjoys cooking. Because Katie and Cathy feel differently about cooking, their respective subs have different responsibilities. If Cathy’s husband insisted on cooking it would cause more harm than good in the same way it would if I told Katie I wasn't going to cook for her anymore.  The point being: it’s not about what we do or don’t do; it’s about obeying the one we serve.

Another area Navpress expressed frustration had to do with his wife making poor decisions she later regretted.  My thought to this is: we all make good decisions. We all make bad ones. None of us are perfect.  My only suggestion here is to reiterate that it’s not about stressing over what decision is made as much as it is important for a couple to communicate with one another. As a mistress Katie knows my strengths and weaknesses. I'm quite bright in some  areas and ignorant in others. I am more impulsive than her and yet more lay-back. I know she understands that about me and she is quite good at knowing when to lean on me rather than deciding something without asking for my input. 

There have been times when Katie and I will disagree. When we do, I express my opinion. Sometimes I do so more than once but we both know that when Katie finally makes ‘that’ decision I will support her. Sometimes those decisions are the best. Sometimes they aren’t.  But again, it’s not about the decision. It’s about her knowing I will let her know how I feel (beforehand) and her knowing I won’t give her a hard time after a decision is made. When she decides something that didn't work out as well as we thought, she's prone to apologize. That opens up an opportunity for me to support her. We are able to talk about the decision in hindsight and learn from it. It does neither of us any good to belittle the other after the fact. If we are able to return something we do. If we can't, we live with it and move on.

If I could make one point to Navpress it is to make your #1 priority to love your wife. Love her the way you loved her when you were first married. Love her unconditionally. Love her knowing she isn't perfect. Just love her. Focus on her positives. Do what she says. Don't ever disobey her. Don't ever open the door to mistrust. Share as much of your life with her as you can and listen, listen, listen when she shares with you. Stop what you are doing and give her your undivided attention. Don’t view yourself as being better, stronger, bigger, smarter, more creative, etc. Rather look at the two of you as a united team. Know that you each have unique qualities that you bring to your marriage and that those mutual qualities make the two of you are better together than either of you alone. But know there has to be someone in control and that someone is her. She’s the one to whom you have submitted. She’s the one you promised to obey. She’s the one you promised to follow and support.

Be that follower, doer, supporter, encourager, obeyer. Don't do more than what she expects. Allow her the freedom and independence to be involved in maintaining her home as much as she wishes. It’s one thing to do something with the intent to please. However if you do that something and she feels bad, know that the next time that opportunity presents you need to wait for her to come along side and join you in that project (kind of like Katie and I mowing together in the humid hot summer heat). 

Finally, try not to compare what you have with what others have. My submissive life is different than Thomas who belongs to MsKaylee and both of our lives are different than that of John who belongs to Ms Cathy or to Lady Grey who owns Karl. It can be hard when reading other blogs. It's easy to wish your wife to be like 'her' or 'her' or 'her'. Choose not to go there. Your wife isn’t Katie or Kaylee or Lady Grey or ……  Let her be who she is. I think if you can be content in where you are as your wife's submissive, you will be a happier, more obedient and fulfilled man.

Navpress, you’ve asked some profound questions. I don’t know if I’ve done them justice. I’d love to have others chime in here and share their thoughts and impressions on what I wrote and what he has expressed.

I’m Hers

Monday, July 10, 2017

The College Just off the Highway

During our travels this summer we ventured onto an interstate we don’t often use mostly it’s because it’s so far away from home.  As we drove I saw the sign for a small college that was not too far off the exit of the country town we were passing. It brought back a vivid memory from some years ago.
Katie had permitted me to head north to do some backpacking. When I pack I bring only the clothes I’m wearing. Whatever other clothes I pack are additional layers for those morning and evening hours when the temps are low as well as rain gear.  I don’t change clothes when I backpack. I’m not out there to look good. I’m out there to exercise and see places most don’t ever get to see. 

After hiking out to the trailhead on the final morning I tossed my gear into the trunk of the car and started the drive home. Eventually I came upon civilization and went through the drive-thru to get some food and continued on.  I didn’t dare go into the restaurant – even if it was just a fast-food joint. My presence there would have woken even the sleepiest of teens with an olfactory overload.  I ate in the car and kept driving. 

It wasn’t long before I realized I needed to cleanse my body from its raunchiness. How to do that was the issue. I didn’t want to check into a hotel just to shower. There wasn’t a shower option at any of the interstate rest/bathroom areas. I did notice the plethora of bridges that spanned the many streams that drained the mountain foothills. 

“I could pull over and strip down and bathe in one of those?”

“You’re crazy. What if a State Trooper pulls over to see why the car is unattended?”

The pros and cons of taking a freezing cold stream/river bath raged for many miles.  That’s when I saw the sign for the college a mile ahead. It was summer. School was out; well at least all but the summer students were gone.  Every college has a gym. Every school has a locker room.  I headed for the exit and eventually found the building I sought.

Now came the next hurdle: I was locked! I was also man-scaped down below. I could deal with the looks from others at thinking I looked like I was 11 years old down there while showering in one of the gang-shower rooms.  (Aren’t all men’s locker rooms in colleges/university of the ‘gang’ variety?)  But to do so while locked was an entirely different dilemma.

What to do?  Bottom line….. I stunk. I had been hiking for a few days. It was summer. I needed to get clean. I wanted to at least smell good when I got home and greeted Katie. I knew she would not appreciate me in the least coming home as I appeared and smelled now.

I parked the car and found my way to the locker room.  Fortunately there was no one there. Perfect!!!  Undressing, I grabbed my towel and nonchalantly covered the front of my midsection and walked into the shower.  Without waiting for the water to warm I dealt with the freezing water until the temp rose and quickly showered. It felt wonderful.  Just as I was about to finish I heard voices. It was from two old guys probably coming to shower after playing racquetball or squash.  I finished, dried myself and just as I finished wrapping my towel around my waist they came into the tiled room. 

I left there smelling like roses and didn’t have to deal with looks, questions or requests to explain my ‘under attire’. 

As Katie and I traveled past that same exit this year I reminded her, “That was the college where I showered after backpacking a few years ago.”

“She nodded her remembrance but didn’t say much.”

“I was locked back then, you know.”

“I remember,” was all she said. It was as if it wasn’t a big deal to her and I guess in hindsight it wasn’t.  But it was a very big deal to me. I wasn’t ready to come out of the closet to reveal my locked-submissiveness then and really have no desire to do so now. I will if I must but only if I must.
I’m Hers

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

United We Stand Divided We Fall

I passed by those words printed on a church sign the other day. They are appropriate words. The Fourth of July holiday is approaching. Patriotism abounds. Flags and flag buntings abound everywhere. There will be parades, concerts, fireworks, and TV specials all celebrating our country’s independence – all because the British government wanted two cents more on teabags. I mean, I like my ice tea but to go to war for it? Now that’s passion but in hindsight, I’m glad they did. I love my country and glad we aren’t a satellite nation to another.

But the reason for now writing has more to do with the significance of the phrase to relationships. I realize all marriages aren’t constructed in the same way as ours. However, it’s my belief that relationships function best when there is a designated leader and only one leader. I believe it’s more difficult when everyone involved has an equal say. One can apply this to a marriage, to parenting (parent and children), to education (teacher and students), to employment (employer and employees), to athletics (coach and players), to government (leader(s) and citizens) and on and on the examples could go. People function best when there is someone in charge.

Our marriage thrives, in a large part, because we made the decision to not approach it from a 50/50 dynamic. I knew I needed to submit. It took me some years to figure 'me' out but I have learned I thrive best by serving rather than leading. I function best living within the constraints Katie places on me and I know Katie loves being independent. For as much as equal marriages might work for some, it isn’t what works best for us. Katie is my leader and I am her follower. She is the one who decides while I am the one who provides input when asked but yields when the time comes for decisions to be made.

All of our income is directly deposited into one account – hers – and it is not for me to dip into that account and spend her money. Although we may discuss larger purchases every now and again, I don’t make final decisions unless she feels more comfortable with me doing so.  For example, the other day we purchased a small AC unit to cool a room we sometimes use. She asked me about the size we should look into and I suggested what I thought would be best. But once that was done she was the one who chose the store we would go to and she made the final decision.  It happened that we both had gift cards that could be used. Actually I had three and she had one. I used mine but she opted to save hers. I didn’t bother asking why. She also chose the specific unit we purchased after looking over the two different models they had for sale in the size range we wanted.

Sexual activity, vacations, errands, meals, even the plants we put in our gardens are decisions she ultimately makes.  What I find so profoundly interesting is that even though I am virtually powerless within the confines of our home I have never been more content.  For me, there is something very freeing by letting go of that power and following. I love watching her take charge. I love watching her lead. I find the dynamic appealing – and even hot!

Just today we talked about her making sure she gets to enjoy those things about my service she loves most. It was my hope that she might insist on making sure I provide those ‘perks’ often and that they don’t get pushed aside due to the business of life. I want her to lead but I also want her to enjoy what I can provide for her.

There is something so beautiful and knowing she’s my mistress-wife. I want nothing more and I am often reminded how much she loves me there to support but follow. In our home there is but one leader and it is under that leadership that we best coexist and stand united. And as the good book says: a cord of three strands is difficult to break. I say all this because we have become a united couple. We are in no way divided. We do things her way. We function as a team. And we live as we do in the hope that our marriage will not just survive but thrive. I don't know about you but I loooovvve being in love and don't want to settle for things being just OK.

Happy fourth! I hope you too will remain united in your quest for sustained intimacy.

I’m Hers

Friday, June 30, 2017

A Call from the Local Bank

It's been awhile since last posting. I'm alive. I'm well. I've just not had much desire to write lately.  Katie has also been keeping me busy with life around the home and away.  

A few weeks ago Katie received a call from a woman who worked at the local bank we use asking if she wanted to sign up for their rewards credit card. Katie is happy with the card we have and politely declined her offer. She told me about the call sometime later that day or the next.

Today it became my job to unpack our belongings after a long vacation trip. For as much as I love to go places the packing and unpacking is a job I’d rather not do. It’s a necessary evil but one that needs to be attended to. Unpacking and then vacuuming Katie’s car, sorting through our suitcases to either wash or put away her and my clothes, and finding homes for all the items that we took was something that kept me busy all morning and part of the afternoon. 

While folding wash in the bedroom my phone rang. I saw that it was a local call and answered it. It was a woman from the local bank. It took but a few seconds to recall Katie’s story of the credit card offer. I waited as she explained her two reasons for calling. First to compliment me on my great banking history with them. I smiled thinking, “I have a checking account of which I write one and only one check every month. I don’t put funds into that account, my wife does – transferring the same amount every month for me to write that single check.”  I waited for her to tell me the second reason for her call – the reason I already knew was coming.

“At xyz bank, we’d like to offer you a rewards credit card……” she said and then went on to ask me if I wanted to hear more.

“Ma’am, my wife handles all of our finances. She gives me a credit card that I am permitted to use for specific purchases. It’s not my call to accept or not accept your offer. That’s something my wife takes care of but I do believe someone from the bank spoke with her a few weeks ago. If I’m not mistaken, she’s quite pleased with the card she uses now.”

To my surprise the professionally sounding woman giggled! Her giggle made me grin although I don’t think I conveyed that to her. We said our goodbyes and I went back to folding laundry.
I found Katie downstairs.

“I got that call from our bank asking if I wanted the credit card. I told her you make those decisions and handle all of our finances.”

“That’s about right,” she said.

“And she giggled when I told her you did!”

Katie smiled, returned her attention to whatever it was she was doing and I went back to check on the other load of wash still needing tending

I’m Hers.


On another note I saw this commercial. Does the gentleman in this commercial appear to be submissive or what?  The commercial made me smile.  

Friday, May 12, 2017

Why doing what I am told to do is important

In the previous post I discussed my views on dominance and submission. My primary tenet was that submission really is about following orders and following the path the dominant partner takes in the relationship. Submission is about pleasing her even if it means sometimes – or maybe often – the submissive doesn’t derive pleasure from the choices she makes. I didn’t say I don’t find her leadership pleasurable but the fact that do or don’t is irrelevant to the definition of who a submissive is. The dominant partner is the one who decides. She is the one who dictates the responsibilities the submissive will and/or won’t have in the relationship. She’s the one that directs the relationship, makes decisions, determines what she wants from him and determines what she believes is best for him as her acquired property. Underlying this power-dynamic is love. A relationship cannot exist (indefinitely) if love is not present. I say this because in my relationship, I have never doubted Katie’s love for me, or my love for her even though I may not have agreed with every choice she has made as my dominant.

So, why is it important for me to keep doing what she says besides the obvious answer of ‘this is what submissives do’? For me, it has to do with my level of submission. I believe that Lady Grey, the woman who encouraged me to adhere to the mantra of doing what I am told, would agree that I am not the most compliant of submissives. I’m not bad. I don’t intentionally try to rock the boat but I have done my best to sway Katie into becoming the kind of dominant I want to serve.  Despite my efforts, my pressures haven’t worked all that well (although I still have hope she will feel free enough to try new and different things). If nothing else, seeing her experiment is a reflection of the level of confidence she has a dominant within our marriage. It speaks to the freedom she has to try this or that, knowing I will not stand in her way because of my professed desire to yield.

But whether she does or doesn’t is a topic for a different post. My ongoing issue has been, and continues to be, my will. My will is strong. Katie has never really broken it and (in my opinion) it needs to be broken. I know that it does. I know that I will be a better husband if she helps me get to that point. What I doubt is Katie's understanding of how breaking my will will enable me to be a better, more loving, and more serving husband and submissive.

When we married I stated in my vow that 'I would embrace her decisions'. I have failed in that attempt too many times to count. I like things done my way. When she makes decision that align with my thinking, things go well. It’s when she has a different view that I naturally want to confront and ask why. That attitude is not one of embracing. Rather, it’s the polar opposite. It’s me telling her in so many words: I don’t like that idea. Now it’s not like she is opposed to me voicing my opinion and believe me, I am not one to keep my mouth shut. But after talking about ‘said topic’, I’m not always the best at ‘embracing’ something I wish for her to do differently. And therein lies the problem.

I’m not submitting when I rebel. Oh I am technically submitting. I end up caving and outwardly doing what she wants. I’m not so stupid to disobey and violate house rule #1 (always obey Mistress), but my heart hasn’t submitted. Many times I will do things begrudgingly. I’m not truly submitting when I do something unwillingly. And I’m surely not embracing her leadership. In fact, I am violating my marriage covenant by not embracing her decisions and loving her with all my heart, soul, mind and body.

The trouble with my attitude over the years is: I wonder if I have indeed hindered Katie’s development as a mistress? I so desperately need to feel her leadership and wonder if my attitude has been counter-productive to her growth as a mistress. More than anything I want to know she is in control of not just us BUT OF ME. I need to consciously know I don’t have a free reign to do what I want. For me, she can show no greater love than by reminding me through word and deed that I am hers – owned, bound and here to serve. To have her demonstrate this through word or deed is akin to her screaming ‘I love you!!!!’.  It really is. I need to be told this is how it will be or this is what I want you to do, regardless of whether or not it appears convenient, easy or sensitive. Having me serve reinforces my submission and remember, that is what I wanted in the first place – to submit, to serve, to obey, to be the one there to take care of her and her needs.

Doing what I am told is important because my will needs breaking. That doesn’t mean she needs me to be some spineless husband who no longer expresses his own thoughts. Rather, I know I need to be broken because of the longterm benefit of our relationship. Remember, the purpose of me submitting was to deepen our bond. It was to allow me to become a better husband and mate. It was to keep me away from vices I know I am sometimes tempted and need another power (Katie’s authority – and a healthy fear of her) to avoid those temptations. You might say part of my submission is because I know I am weak in certain aspects of my life and need to feel that dominant leash reminding me, ‘don’t even think about it’.

So for now, my hope is Katie will provide me innumerable opportunities to obey and I will follow her orders and do so with the proper attitude. Even after all of these years of serving as her submissive sometimes feel as if I am in my ‘submissive infancy’. I still need to learn. I still need to come to a better understanding of what it really means to submit. I need to embrace when situations arise and my instincts tell me to rebel. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there but I at least know this is an issue that I and Katie need to continually address.

I’m Hers

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

"Just do what you're told"

"Just do what you're told." Lady Grey made that statement in a post-comment a few months back and since that time I have literally repeated that phrase to myself a hundred different times. Each time I silently told myself, "just do what she tells you," I thought about our relationship and who it is that I am and who it is that Katie is at our most fundamental level. I am her submissive and she is my dominant wife.
Seven years ago I asked Katie if she would allow me to submit to her as the head of our home. Seven years ago I asked if she would assume leadership and take control of me and our relationship. After much discussion she hesitantly agreed to my proposals. So what was it that I asked her to do? In a nutshell I asked if she would permit me to give up control (one of the banes of my personality and one that I believe contributed to the failure of my marriage - and a trait I sincerely wanted to rid myself of).  In doing so I agreed to follow. I agreed to obey. I agreed to allow her to lead us in the way she felt was best. I agreed to a wife-led-marriage.
During the months that followed my hesitant leader slowly found her stride. Living in a relationship in which she had the freedom to tell me what she wanted was just as much of a struggle for her to feel free in asserting her will as it was for me to let go. I propped her up so many times and still do but to a much lesser extent. With the leadership she accepted (and one I asked her take), came the task of delegating responsibilities to me. Mostly she wanted my help around the home and so came the chores of vacuuming and keeping the bedroom and bathroom in order as well as doing the weekly wash. She has never enjoyed cooking even though she did it for years and so with my submission came that responsibility as well. The kitchen became my new home. She told me she expected me to be a gentleman and as a result I began doing those little things that considerate men do. I opened doors. I carried her shopping bags, I waited for her to decide when we should leave to go home, I started keeping her appointment book and reminding her of commitments, I intentionally sat beside her, I touched, stroked, rubbed and caressed her body often because she loves being touched. I snuggle her tight every night. I do myriad other similar acts of kindness that demonstrate my gratitude. 

Katie wanted to take control of our finances and so shortly after making that decision I went to the payroll department at work and changed the account into which my earnings were deposited.  Sex was another change that took place and one that I wrote a bit about in the last post. In general, sex became something we did when and how she wanted. She enjoys the denial part of my sexuality and so our times spent intimately entwined is pretty much about her satisfaction although I have come to enjoy those times as equally special. I asked to be locked and she agreed to keep me locked whenever we are apart and sometimes when we aren't - e.g., weekends.
What I’m driving at here is: I got what I asked for. I asked for a leader and I got one. I asked if she would take our marriage in the direction she wanted and she has. I offered to give up whatever power I had in the relationship and she agreed to take it. As a result of our power exchange I was told I would be taking on additional chores and I have long since assumed those responsibilities. I was told I needed to change certain attitudes, to expect things to be handled differently and to maintain an attitude of deference toward her - and I have. What I didn’t get was a wife who was inclined to be kinky. She isn’t and I don’t think she ever will be. I didn’t get a wife who enjoys teasing me sexually or one that wants to spank me or one who even likes to talk about my submission or her dominance. I didn’t get any of that but I did get a wife that has no intention of ever giving me free reign of the checkbook, or one that will choose to have sex on my terms, or one who will let me take control of the TV remote, or one who will ever be the cook or laundry girl, or one that will ever allow me 'out' of my marriage vow of forever living in submission to her. I got myself a leader; a loving leader; and one who has accepted my submission - but did so on her terms. 
So what am I to do? I think the answer is quite simple and straightforward. I need to hold to my end of the bargain and in essence I need to ‘do what I am told to do’.  Isn't that what I asked of her way back when? Didn't I ask to give up control? Didn't I ask for her to lead and do things her way? Isn't that what submission is... giving up, letting go, obeying, yielding, obeying orders? Katie has never been one to write down rules but I know one rule she intuitively expects of me is to ‘obey my wife’. 
What I have come to see since Lady Grey made that thought-provoking comment was just how much grief I was giving my mistress by not keeping my mouth shut and doing what she wanted. A few days ago we took a lengthy trip. In my mind I had hoped we'd get to our destination but some hours into our trip a strong storm rolled in. “We need to stop soon; don’t you think?” she said more than asked. I didn’t respond and kept driving (because I wanted to get to our destination). A few minutes later lightning struck and the rain intensified. “We need to get off at the next exit. Get off up there so we can find a place to stay for the night.” Now I didn’t want to stop but I did what I was told. I relented without pressuring her to do what I wanted.  

A few days later we were involved in a big project at home. We had torn so much stuff out of boxes and everything was a mess but we were slowly getting things back in order. Several hours into the project she suddenly stated, “I want all of this moved downstairs.”  I couldn’t believe it! Internally I groaned and rolled my eyes. All I wanted was to be done. I couldn't believe she wanted to do something that would require so much more work. That’s when that comment came to mind: “Just do what you are told”. I gave in. "Yes Mistress. I'll do whatever you want," I answered.  We moved everything from ‘here’ to ‘there’ and although it indeed was a lot of work, we got it done and it looks great!

“So where do you want to eat? I’m starving,” she asked. Now normally I’d defer and tell her 'where ever you want' but again, that phrase haunted me. So instead of telling her I didn’t care, I answered her question. I mentioned a restaurant and love frequenting and she agreed my choice was a good idea. 

Just this morning we were discussing the itinerary for an upcoming multi-day trip. I had an idea but she shot it down because she didn’t think it would work. And so my idea isn’t what we will do. Again, I thought, “just do what you are told. You voiced your opinion and she didn’t want to do it so just shut up and do what she says.” I didn't  push my idea further. I'm her sub and she's in charge. 
I’m doing what I’m told. I’m living my life according to her vision of how she views our femdom marriage. It no longer is in my power to shape our marriage the way I envision it, but then again, I didn’t ask for her to do things my way. I asked her to take charge and lead as she saw fit. I asked if I could follow. And so I’m following although that path isn’t necessarily the one I expected we’d take. But that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path. It’s just a different one and one I am happy to tote along behind.
I’m Hers

Thursday, April 13, 2017

You Can Come

I don’t hear those words often but she said them this morning while we were making love. After having two orgasms she told me, “you can come”.

It’s such an odd thing for me to hear. Now don’t get me wrong, I love it when she lets me, but my typical mode is to maintain staying power until she and I are through and she has had enough pleasure for one morning (or evening). My job is to avoid getting the urge of getting too close and thereby ruining her time prematurely. For me personally, if I do get near the edge there is usually no turning back, so I’ve found it best to just not let my body go there.

After we finished today and while we were still embraced, my attention was drawn to a picture on the far wall. I thought back to times past when I had to center my thoughts on that picture with all of my conscious effort in an effort to keep my urges from getting the best of me.  Back in the old days I had a difficult time refraining from climaxing. The only way was to either stop or think about something completely different than what we were doing  and often times I use that picture as the distraction I needed to keep my body from losing complete control. Most of the time one of those techniques worked, but it there were several occasions when it became impossibly difficult to refrain.

But how things have changed in the years since. Our new routine (with her standing orders to not come) slowly changed my response. The process was a slow one. Having spent my entire adult life with one goal in mind when making love (to ejaculate), it took many times spent in intimacy to change my practiced biological impulse. I had to figure out how to avoid doing the very thing I had done for decades and changing that was not an easy process. I guess you could call what happened an example of behavioral modification.

After becoming her submissive my reward while making love changed and with it so did what I was to expect whenever we had sex. No longer was it about me reaching orgasm but rather about me finding satisfaction through her orgasms and the pleasure she received while we were together. No longer was it about me satisfying me, but rather me being the source of her enjoyment. No longer was it about me being a one-and-done guy. Instead it became me being the source of her three, four, five or six climaxes.

After making love two or three times every week for several months my body’s instincts changed. I realized, almost after the fact, that I could go longer with more stimulation and not lose control. Now I can last a half hour although  she doesn't typically spend that much time  enjoying me before stopping.

So today, when she told me I could come, my thought was, “well that aint happening any time soon.”  I had to change gears, change my focus. No longer was it about how long I could go without coming but about me not taking too long before I did what she wanted.

Our time today was great. There’s nothing better than making love with the love of my life. I have no idea when she’ll let me come again but that doesn’t mean every time between now and then won’t be just as loving, just as exciting, just as erotic and equally satisfying. Sex for me isn’t about seeking that three-second ‘wow’ feeling but about sharing her joy the entire time we are close. Sex has become so nice since seeing it as a change to give rather than get and to be perfectly honest, I love it this way.

I’m Hers

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Emotional Labor

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post. Lady Grey, a fellow blogger commented and gently admonished me for over thinking life as Katie's submissive. She believes I over think things too much when it comes to me submitting and suggested I simply do what I’m told. And so for the past week or two I’ve done that (mostly :). There were more than a few times when Katie voiced her wishes that I repeated silently, “Just do what she says. Just do what she says. Just do what she says.” I’m sure I repeated that mantra aloud a few times too and could feel Katie’s smile coming through the phone.

Did I feel more submissive? Nope. Did I expect to feel differently? Nope. Will I keep doing this? Yep. Is there a reason why I’ll keep doing what I’m told? Yep. Am I going to tell you why? Yep. I’m going to do what she tells me because I made a promise that I would. That alone should be enough. 

Two weeks ago I happened to catch an interview on the radio. The topic was 'emotional labor’. The guest explained what this phrase meant. I hadn’t heard the phrase before and it piqued my interest. 

The gist of what she had to say was this: All of us invest a certain amount of energy into performing physical tasks throughout our day. Cleaning, preparing meals, work responsibilities, getting the kids ready in the morning, straightening the house, mowing the lawn, going out on a date, etc. Those physical tasks tax our energy reserves to some degree. Beyond the stuff that comprises our day is all of the emotional energy we put into those tasks as well as unrelated thoughts and feelings that have the potential to exhaust us. Interactions with others, worrying about how much it will cost to have the dishwasher fixed, not knowing if the Amazon package will arrive in time, getting stressed because the freaking traffic light isn’t turning green (I hate red traffic lights), having to sit at lunch with people you barely know and make conversation, worrying over a dear friend struggling with her health, marital stress - the list could go on and on.  All of this ‘stuff’ is emotional labor. It doesn't require actual physical effort but can be a significant source of energy drain. At times the drain can be so profound that it can become paralyzing. 

After the short interview I jotted a few sentences down on the subject and filed it away in my ‘post possibility’ file.  Some days later I wrote the post Mixed Feelings - Good Ones - Frustrating Ones - but in the end - all good.  At some point Lady Grey commented and tried to set me straight with her advice to just do what I'm told. Her advice was good. She makes a good point. I probably have been less than the ideal sub. I probably was putting too much thought into our D/s relationship and imposing my wishes on to Katie. After reading and considering her advice I thought about the interview on the topic of emotional labor. The light of understanding went on as I considered her advice and wondered if I was forcing Katie to invest more emotional labor than necessary into me. I wondered if my pursuits might be having a negative effect rather than the positive one I was hoping for. I wondered if I was becoming a burden rather than making her life easier.

The submissive-me finds it attractive knowing she's in control, that she has power over me and that she is has the decision-making power in our marriage. But having that perk requires Katie to exert more emotional labor than me. She's the one that has to decide how our money is to be used, what our weekend will entail, what events we will attend, what projects need to be done around the house, etc. Additionally she has me to consider. What does she want me to do? How is her sub doing? What work outside of my usual chores does she want me to address? All of that takes thought. There are, of course, benefits to having that freedom, but with that freedom is a level of mental energy that must be spent. 

Katie isn’t one to fly by the seat of her pants. She is a planner. She is self-conscious and considerate of others - almost to a fault. She is never late. She has a tendency to worry. All of this taxes her energy. I don’t see it but I know her mind is active even though she may be sitting quietly next to me. She is always considering the what-if scenarios before making a decision. 

And then there is me. Her sub. Her needy sub. If  I push her to be that ideal mistress those intentions may be good at heart but they aren't the qualities she appreciates in me. She likes me obeying, being there, assisting her, doing things for her, making life easier, being her best friend and generally being a low-maintenance husband. When I push, or wish, or gripe, or complain, or keep bringing things up, it has the end-result of taxing her energy reserves rather than adding to them. I know she only has so much to give and sometimes just getting through a day is all the energy she has. Having to think about being a mistress (and not just a wife) can sometimes require more than she wants to emotionally and mentally exert.  

When I told Katie, way back when, that I wanted to submit, I somewhat convinced myself I was giving her my all. To some degree I did. I gave her more of me than I previously had. I became more involved in our home and the work required to keep it up. But when I handed her that list of 60+ chores I was willing to do and as I watched her circle the ones she wanted me to take on – I also hoped she would give something back to me. I wanted her to meet my submissive needs. I wanted her to fulfill my submissive wants. I wanted her to ‘play chastity’. I wanted her to deny me. I wanted her to do this and do that.

What I didn’t want to admit at the time was I how conditional my submission was. I wanted an 'I’ll do this for you because I know you’ll do that for me’ relationship. But that’s not what submission is about. It's about letting go, not holding on. I had the hope that what I wanted was an ‘if/than’ marriage. I didn’t marry a naturally dominant wife. I married a wife that enjoys my love and attention as well as the perks of the efforts much more than she enjoys thinking about how she can punish me or make me feel submissive. She feeds my wants by giving me morsels rather than shovel fulls. It’s who she is and who she’ll probably always be.

And so I’m going to continue to take the wise advice of my online friend Ms. Grey and do what I’m told. I’m going to do my best to not force Katie to invest more emotional labor into me than what comes naturally. I’m going to try to not make our D/s relationship about me. I’m going to try to be what I promised – her support person, her helper, her submissive husband.

Thanks Lady Grey!

I’m Hers