Thursday, January 26, 2017
Why the silence
I've not written for quite some time. Actually I had a hard time bringing myself to write the last few posts that I did put up. I've lost interest in the blog. I've not had ideas. I haven't looked at life from a submissive perspective. I haven't been motivated to write. I honestly haven't thought much about living as a submissive within a marriage much lately. Things have changed and as a result so has my desire to post.
I wrote my wife a few months ago and basically told her I wasn't going to top from the bottom. I wasn't going to keep the D/s relationship we had going. In essence I told her that I was going to let go (as I probably should have years ago) and let her run things as she wants and let her lead as she promised she would. It was something I was hesitant to do but something I needed to do. And so I did. I think when I made that decision a lot of my energy went out with that email. I found myself feeling more moody when I heard nothing from her. About that same time she told me to unlock and I haven't been locked since. I felt still more sadness since the reason she kept me locked was to keep me for herself. I felt as if she let go of that possessiveness to keep me chaste and only for her. That one was a toughy to come to grips with. With my chores I've slacked off in completing some of my responsibilities. Yes I still cook and I still clean but I've stopped doing the little things. Some of that has been because I've had these feelings of "why am I doing all this?" questions. Some of that has been because I believe there is a significant difference between a submissive husband and one that is simply told by his wife, "do this", e.g., the hen-pecked husband. Some was a result of her not insisting I do those little things when it became obvious I wasn't. When nothing was said, I let it go and haven't bothered doing it since.
The other day she told me she was going out to lunch and I could come with her (and others) if I wanted. Ouch! That one hurt. We always did things together. She always wants me with her when we do a weekend outing of any type. Why now the option? Still more sadness. It wasn't the fact that she gave me a choice but more that I felt as if there was a loss of me always being there during these kinds of outings. She gave me a choice. She let go and I don't want to be let go. I desire the opposite. I want closeness. I think she does too. In the end, I did go but it was because I chose to do so, not because I was told I'd be accompanying her.
It's been the above as well as the loss of 'fun' from living a life that I believe should have some kink to it that has put me where I am. I miss that fun. I wish there was more than just the matter-of-fact statements of fulfilling my end of the deal - me doing the chores. I miss that part of our relationship. I miss the little bit of kink we use to have because honestly, it was fun. It broke up the mundane of life somewhat. It brought us together. I miss that degree of closeness that made us so super-close all these years. But as sad as I've been about the loss of being dominated (and having her reinforce that concept daily) my love for Katie has never waned. I love her just as much. I love every part about her. I love being with her, cuddling her, snuggling her, interacting with her, sitting quietly by her side and sharing my life with her. What I grieve is the loss of something we once had. My hope is it will return. My hope is she will eventually come to the point where she sees the necessity to lead. I've let her know that some of you have offered to give suggestions. I've done what I can and am done doing that further. So until things change I will most likely not be writing much. But then again who knows.
My parting words to women of submissive men. Understand the significance your role is when it comes to taking charge of the man who wants to serve you. You may not think that what you do means much but I would dare say your involvement/leadership means the world to him.