Thursday, January 26, 2017

Why the silence

I've not written for quite some time. Actually I had a hard time bringing myself to write the last few posts that I did put up. I've lost interest in the blog. I've not had ideas. I haven't looked at life from a submissive perspective. I haven't been motivated to write. I honestly haven't thought much about living as a submissive within a marriage much lately. Things have changed and as a result so has my desire to post.

I wrote my wife a few months ago and basically told her I wasn't going to top from the bottom. I wasn't going to keep the D/s relationship we had going. In essence I told her that I was going to let go (as I probably should have years ago) and let her run things as she wants and let her lead as she promised she would. It was something I was hesitant to do but something I needed to do. And so I did. I think when I made that decision a lot of my energy went out with that email.  I found myself feeling more moody when I heard nothing from her. About that same time she told me to unlock and I haven't been locked since. I felt still more sadness since the reason she kept me locked was to keep me for herself. I felt as if she let go of that possessiveness to keep me chaste and only for her. That one was a toughy to come to grips with. With my chores I've slacked off in completing some of my responsibilities. Yes I still cook and I still clean but I've stopped doing the little things. Some of that has been because I've had these feelings of "why am I doing all this?" questions. Some of that has been because I believe there is a significant difference between a submissive husband and one that is simply told by his wife, "do this", e.g., the hen-pecked husband. Some was a result of her not insisting I do those little things when it became obvious I wasn't. When nothing was said, I let it go and haven't bothered doing it since.

The other day she told me she was going out to lunch and I could come with her (and others) if I wanted. Ouch! That one hurt. We always did things together. She always wants me with her when we do a weekend outing of any type.  Why now the option? Still more sadness. It wasn't the fact that she gave me a choice but more that I felt as if there was a loss of me always being there during these kinds of outings. She gave me a choice. She let go and I don't want to be let go. I desire the opposite.  I want closeness. I think she does too. In the end, I did go but it was because I chose to do so, not because I was told I'd be accompanying her.

It's been the above as well as the loss of 'fun' from living a life that I believe should have some kink to it that has put me where I am. I miss that fun. I wish there was more than just the matter-of-fact statements of fulfilling my end of the deal - me doing the chores. I miss that part of our relationship. I miss the little bit of kink we use to have because honestly, it was fun. It broke up the mundane of life somewhat. It brought us together. I miss that degree of closeness that made us so super-close all these years.  But as sad as I've been about the loss of being dominated (and having her reinforce that concept daily) my love for Katie has never waned. I love her just as much. I love every part about her. I love being with her, cuddling her, snuggling her, interacting with her, sitting quietly by her side and sharing my life with her.  What I grieve is the loss of something we once had. My hope is it will return. My hope is she will eventually come to the point where she sees the necessity to lead. I've let her know that some of you have offered to give suggestions. I've done what I can and am done doing that further. So until things change I will most likely not be writing much. But then again who knows.

My parting words to women of submissive men. Understand the significance your role is when it comes to taking charge of the man who wants to serve you. You may not think that what you do means much but I would dare say your involvement/leadership means the world to him.

I'm Hers

14 comments:

  1. One question: Have you sat down face-to-face and talked about your feelings? You know what you want. Discuss it. You may not like what she says, but fantasies notwithstanding, a D/S relationship is a cooperative venture. Always. At least that's been my experience.

    Caged Lion

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    1. Caged lion,
      No. I have not sat down and discussed things with her. I purposely have not discussed things with her. My reasoning is she knows what I'm thinking. She reads every post that I put up on this blog. For me to do that requires me to pressure her to do things that are not in her heart to do. I want her to come to the conclusion that she needs to lead with more vigor. I want her to make this decision. I want her to see the value and re-ward for her-when she asserts her dominance. I want her to understand how her leadership or the lack there of has on me, our closeness, and our marriage. It is one thing for me to maintain this and quite another for her to initiate it all and see the results first hand.

      I know that I could make things happen by pushing her to act in certain ways. This is what I have been doing and it was the reason I sent that email stating that I would no longer be that person. I don't know if all of this makes sense to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I need to be submissive. She needs to be dominant. I'm doing my part. She isn't fulfilling her role. That really is the crux of the issue that we are wrestling with.

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  2. I really wish I could give you some advice and say try this and see what happens but you know your wife better than anyone and I hope whatever happens you both are happy in the end. We have had a lot of good conversations other the years and hope to see you here in the future. I truly hope the best for both of you. Take care..RR

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  3. I agree with Caged Lion. You are skirting the issues and allowing her to do so as well. It's way past time for a frank talk.

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  4. Communication is the absolute cornerstone of any and all relationships....you can say she knows what you want and are thinking but no one is a mind reader. If the dynamic is not something you both inherently want and wish to put work into, then there is an all together different issue. But talk, its the only way.

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  5. Hello I'm Hers,
    I read your post a couple of days ago and your situation has been on my mind a lot since. Although I can't speak of a WLM with the longevity as you can I think I can relate to the feelings you are having in terms of not having your submissive needs met.

    "the loss of 'fun' from living a life that I believe should have some kink to it that has put me where I am. I miss that fun."

    I think there's something central in just about any WLM with having a certain amount of kink. It doesn't have to the leather and whips type, but yes, something to relieve the "mundane", add some spice and fun. I bet if Katie were to put even a minimal yet specific efforts to this end you would be right back in the submissive saddle.

    I truly hope you guys find a way to gain back what you one had. There's no feeling like it in the world, as you know. I'm sure I'm not alone with those sentiments for you two. Your blog has been unique for the WLM/FLM community. It was very helpful in "normalizing" so to speak, the lifestyle that was at first quite daunting to my wife. I will always be grateful for that. You'd be sorely missed by many.

    Best wishes to both of you. Queen J and I in your corner!
    Don't give up!!

    sublove

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  6. Hello IH -- so sorry to hear that your FLR has come to this point. I am a submissive man and have been in a Female Lead Relationship/Marriage fo the past 3 years. Your blog has been so helpful in helping me and my wife develop (and continue to develop) our very loving relationship with her in charge.

    Being a newbie to all of this, I am probably not the best person to offer advice. Nevertheless, I would ask you to set up a time to talk directly to Katie. Have a conversation. Having her read your blogs in advance, or otherwise having her infer your thoughts is not a conversation. I am sure that she wants to please you as much as you desire to please her. Presently, as you describe it, it seems that you are both talking past one another.

    I know that in our own relationship my wife and I talk often - (most recently with me sitting on the floor at her feet - how great is that). We try to share how each of us feels and what we can do improve our relationship.

    At one time I felt that my submissive feelings toward women and especially toward my wife were an abberation. It was reading your blog and hearing the stories of other guys and gals in FLRs that I learned I was not alone and that I was not some sort of weirdo. You and Kathy, and SHIP and many others have been a godsend to me and to those of use who wish to submit to our wives. I hope that you will be able to talk and reconnect with Katie and reestablish and deepen your loving Female Lead Relationship.
    sincerely,
    vic

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  7. Hi Im-hers,

    I agree with some of the other comments. If you aren't directly talking to each other it's easier to ignore "issues", and that let the status-quo continue with neither party fulfilled. Even if the topic wasn't FLR, direct communication is key to moving past relationship challenges.

    My perspective is that if you don't feel comfortable with in-person discussions about difficult topics, that's a problem in itself.

    Don't live in silence about what your needs are.

    Take or leave the above, regardless I wish you the best in getting what you need.

    jen

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  8. One comment I will make from down here let her read this post my heart bleeds for you I am in your position as well perhaps I will try to get my wife to read what you have articulated so well head up buddy

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  9. Hey IH,

    This is Jake (from Queen takes Knight fame). As you may have noticed, I’ve let my own blog whither on the vine, but that’s not for lack of things to say. Just zero time.

    I haven’t commented in a while, but the theme of this post has been raised many times before, to different degrees. I know your wife reads all your blog entries, and it seems clear that this post of yours (and the similar ones that preceded it over the years), is a form of therapeutic communication, but I wonder if the circle ever gets completed. You write, she reads. Does it end there? Do you ever actually sit down and really talk about it?

    In some relationships, the man might never even admit to his wife that he wants to submit to her and is living a life of stealth submission, always doing as she asks and longing for a true D/s lifestyle. In others, the man might do so much topping from the bottom that his wife is forced to chase him around the house every waking moment with a whip, shouting orders.

    These are obviously 2 extremes, but the point here is that in the first example, the woman does zero “work” at being dominant, while in second example, she is doing so much work, she must surely resent her husband (and who could blame her?)

    For a D/s relationship to succeed, both parties need to recognize that while it’s a given that the dominant will always get what they want, it is also incumbent that they “give” something in return. It’s human nature. Finding the right balance of just how much “work” the dominant is willing to put in, is the key.

    On more occasions than I can count, my wife has handcuffed me to the bed frame, forcing me to spend the evening on the hardwood floor, as she makes herself comfortable in our king-sized bed. That translates to 10 seconds of “work” for her, and 10 hours of suffering for me, with the net result being the doubling of my eagerness to obey her the following day.

    In an ideal world, the woman would be naturally dominant, and be thrilled that she is able to garner so many benefits just by being herself. The next best thing would be where the wife is less dominant, but is more than happy to play the role in exchange for all the perks that come with it (setting aside the fact that she loves her husband and wants to see his needs met).

    If you’ll forgive me, I think your wife is only willing to do the bare minimum (if that), despite the fact that you spend every day of your life bending over backward to please her. For all the service you offer her, are you asking too much? You want to be told, not asked. You want your choices limited, not expanded. You don’t necessarily want to “give yourself” to her, you want to feel like she has “taken you”.

    I’m sure she loves you, and I’m sure she wants you to be happy. Yet, she refuses to let you reach that level of personal happiness, when it would only take a few well-chosen phrases in the course of the day. You need to ask her if she realizes this, and if she does, why does she hold back when she has it in her hands to make you feel truly fulfilled.

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  10. I am sorry you are going through a rough time right now. Settling into a WLM can be a bit of a roller coaster ride with many ups and downs. Every relationship is different but in my experiences and in corresponding with others, I find that the male's intense desire to be submissive and to be controlled and dominated is consistent among men who want to embark on a WLM. What is not consistent is how women approach the WLM and how much of the man's submissive desires they are willing to entertain. Some women have a natural dominant instinct and gravitate toward the WLM easily and quickly learn how to push the husbands submissive buttons. For many other women it is a learning experience that can be confusing, frustrating and even intimidating. It could take many years of trial and error before things start to click for the woman and to find the right chemistry and balance in the WLM. Please do not be discouraged and do not let go of the dream. Your support of your wife and persistence can get you there. It took 5+ years for things to click for me. We had many down times during that period where I am certain my husband felt exactly like you do right now. Sometimes those periods lasted months. However, through my husband's persistence, patience with me, & support, we eventually hit the upside again.

    Your choice to back off from topping from the bottom is a step in the right direction. Ultimately your wife needs to take the initiative to take control. However, she needs your support to get there. Something you need to come to terms with is that her idea of WLM may not include everything you desire. Men often have this ideal picture of how things should be and how the woman should act. Reality is that it usually is not all that the woman wants. Imagine if your wife was forcing you into a very specific relationship with her and there were things that just didn't interest you. How would you react?

    The key is to find the right intersection between what you want and what will make her happy. You may not get everything you hoped for but if you can make it work and get most of what you hoped for, isn't that better than nothing? Please do not take those last two sentences lightly. Really think about that concept because I that is often the hardest struggle for men. If you can accept that certain things may not happen and then embrace the wonderful dominant behaviors that your wife is exhibiting now, it releases your anxiety and your happiness goes up. You may find over time, she will move towards some of the other things that you want.

    Recognize now that you are very lucky for what your wife has done already. Many guys just dream about WLM and never get to experience it at all. Finally, as others have said, a two-way conversation is needed. Something I enjoy about your posts is your complete honesty and transparency about your feelings. Your writings help both men and women understand the dynamics and emotions within a WLM. I am certain that many men relate to your struggles. However, if I was reading your posts as your wife, I would find many of your writngs hurtful. Some things are better off discussed and not shared via writing. Despite your good intentions, your writings may be pushing your wife away and causing her to shut down. They are great leanings for your readers and probably therapy for you but probably not good for your wife. Your wife is more important than us so I would advise that either she does not read them anymore or that you choose wisely which information to post. It is better to discuss the difficult topics with your wife than to write about them.

    You and your wife have come a long way in the WLM journey. This is just a bump in the road.Keep moving forward. Talk with your wife and see what she wants and how she is feeling. Take a few months to put aside your wants and focus on her needs. Once her needs are met her dominance may come to surface and flourish.

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  11. I am sorry to hear this. I have learned so much from you over the last few years, I really hate to see you in so much pain. I hope things turn around for you.
    Karen

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  12. IH, Like most of the others, I recommend That the two of you sit down and have a real talk, face to face.
    It is too easy to misinterpret others written words, not visual to see the others expressions. Spoken words can be hard enough.
    And there is the thing Mz Kaylee spoke about, it is too easy to hurt with the written word. There is a real risk of her shutting down and withdrawing if she is hurt, the same holds true for us.
    There is no replacement for communication with one another. The only problem with communication is the illusion that it has happened. We all too often believe the illusion.

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  13. Just a quick note to say that I agree with Mz Kaylee. Even with the studio experience it took me at least five years to become a mistress wife. It is not an easy road. It is not a straight road. There are ups and there are downs, curves and whatever. The important thing is that you love each other, that you care about feelings and hurting.

    Hope that the post this morning illustrates this.


    Love, Kathy

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