Sunday, February 26, 2017

Punishment and Intimacy

Somehow Katie and I were talking about punishments. I don’t know what got us on the topic but we found ourselves engaged in a discussion. She brought up a past memory in which she remembered a series of incidents when one of her children would get into a mode where he'd continually do the wrong thing. “I didn’t want to spank him but I knew I had to. And when I did - every time - he stopped being so bad for a while. It was that way every time,” she said thoughtfully. 

It was about this same time when I received a comment from Jake. He made mention of instances in which his mistress needed to punish him. He states: “On more occasions than I can count, my wife has handcuffed me to the bed frame, forcing me to spend the evening on the hardwood floor, as she makes herself comfortable in our king-sized bed. That translates to 10 seconds of “work” for her, and 10 hours of suffering for me, with the net result being the doubling of my eagerness to obey her the following day.”

I also read a comment by Marisa on The Disciplines Husbands Forum: "….. I LOVE confession. I am not talking about the contrived “mommy I was naughty" version designed to get a spanking, but the sincere heartfelt admission of guilt and acceptance of penance………”

Punishment and penance. Two words that are pervasive throughout all societies. Our criminal court system is based around the principle of punishing the guilty and giving absolution to the innocent. Children punish their friends in their little kid ways. Parents punish children. Employers discipline employees. Police officers hand out tickets to speeders. Teachers punish misbehavior in school. Coaches make kids run when they disobey. Punishment can be found everywhere and the use of reward or punishment is a foundational method of rewarding or discouraging various types of behavior.

What I wanted to hone in on was Katie’s comment regarding the effect her punishment had on her child. The outcome was the same with how Jake responded after being cuffed him to the bed. In both instances it curbed inappropriate behavior. My hunch is it removed the tension between parent and child, between mistress and submissive. In the case of Katie’s child it restored a relationship that was partly broken. It did the same with Jake and his wife. Adding to the power of punishment is what Marisa feels when having to handle her submissive when he comes to her to own up to a wrong. She loves when he does. She loves having him own up to a wrong committed by bringing it to her attention. Why? Well she went on to say in her comment …. “(the act of her submissive man confessing) is very hot for a dominant woman.  I believe it taps deeply into our nurturing nature as well as the penance giving role so natural to us."

Isn’t that statement revealing? Aren’t women all about their man being open, honest and vulnerable? Don't relationships become 'real' during those times when we really cast aside the protective facades we too often use and really bare our soul that the one who loves us? Those times can affect us in such profound ways. Marisa is one who loves it when her man tells her what he’s done wrong. She loves it because he’s given her power to do with him whatever she deems appropriate. Will she simply say, "Thank you for being honest?” Might she levy out punishment? His vulnerability suddenly created a relationship building moment. And in the case of Marisa she loves it. His vulnerability is sexy. His vulnerability stimulates her in ways she normally isn't. His vulnerability creates an opportunity for the two of them to engage in something she views as both nurturing and intimate.

That is the key takeaway point here. Punishment and intimacy are tied inseparably together. Katie spanking her child resulted in a parent child bond. He no longer wanted to disobey. Her nurturing act of spanking him allowed her child to let go of whatever underlying insecurity it was that made him want to act out. Because Jake was cuffed to the bed and made to sleep on a hardwood floor, that punishment was interpreted as an act of love on his part. It gave him time to reflect on how his actions hurt his mistress. It gave him perspective. It made him love his mistress all the more. It didn’t create a divide. Marisa too found the act of her submissive confessing and the subsequent punishment delivered as a means of bolstering their love-bond. In each instance love was manifested through the act of disciplining. In each situation two individuals were brought closer together.

The reason why is beyond my level of understanding. Maybe it is because the punishment removed feelings of guilt from the transgressor. Maybe it’s because it brought closure to a breach in the relationship. Maybe it was because of the depth of trust demonstrated on the part of the confessor as well as the one serving up the punishment. I'm sure it can be just as difficult for her to tell him to stand in the corner as it is for him to confess and know something uncomfortable is about to take place because of that confession. There is a mutual trust required by both.

So what does this mean to me? I’m not completely sure. As of yet, Katie has not begun to have ‘talks’ where she probes my actions to see if I am following orders to the highest of standards. Katie has never punished me. I do believe she is giving it consideration. I think so because of some comments she made when we had that talk that brought our issues to the forefront.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this topic. Does the confession of wrongs build closeness in your relationship? Does punishment of any sort work when thinking of it as a way to build intimacy? Can there be ‘bad’ punishments or improper punishments or ineffective punishments? When thinking of the word punishment, does it really have to equate with a spanking or are there other effective and more useful ways to accomplish the same objective?

Just a few thoughts for this time around.

I’m Hers  

Saturday, February 18, 2017

It’s the little things

I’m writing this post just a few days after having had the long discussion with Katie. In this post I want to examine the subtle changes that took place during the time of my passive-aggressive rebellion when I felt like Katie wasn’t doing enough. Whether she was or wasn’t isn’t the point at the moment. The focus of this post has to do with what I did and didn’t do during those few months when my approach to my submission was less than wholehearted.

A few days after we talked the weather here warmed into the 60’s and we took a nice walk along a well-used path that circled a nearby lake. It wasn’t until Katie stopped to look at a sign and I kept walking for another 4-5 steps that I realized what I had done.  I eventually stopped and waited for her to finish reading. As we continued around the lake she stopped again to look at something. This time I paused immediately. She walked a short distance more before pausing when she spotted a group of minnows in the shallow water. Again I immediately stopped and waited patiently for her to finish looking at the fish.

What dawned on me after that first pause – the one where I kept walking while she stopped to read – was my lack of attentiveness. It had always been my practice to stop when she stopped; to wait as long as I needed; to take an interest in whatever it was she was interested.  I realized when she stopped that first time that my actions were an indication of my lack of care. I didn’t care enough. I didn’t put her interest before my own. It took a couple of seconds before I realized what I had done and was then able to correct my error and remain more attentive to her interests.

It’s a little thing, I know. It almost is a nothing-thing in the scope of life but in some ways it’s a gigantic thing. It’s an action that reveals an inner attitude that isn't healthy. It needs to be corrected. Let me give you more examples. Example #1: At home I don’t touch the remote. However, I did so often during the months previous. I deliberately did so and I was breaking protocol. That was wrong.  Example #2: It’s my policy when I’m in another room and Katie speaks that I stop what I’m doing and come to where she is if I didn't hear what she had to say. The inconsiderate way to address this is to shout, “What was that?” or “What did you say?” I chose that option more than a few times during the months previous.  Example #3: The proper response to my morning routine is to make the bed tidy the bathroom and generally make the bedroom/bath area presentable. The improper way is to either not make that or do a shoddy job. There were days when I did both and I'm not proud I did.

Yes, you might say, but it’s just the bed or it's just the bathroom towels and you’re right. It is just the bed and towel but the attitude behind the motivation to not do what I should is pretty crappy. And yes, shouting back is a more convenient way to respond to a question and yes grabbing the remote is easier than not but none of those responses are proper. Not when I know better. I could go on and on…. It’s akin to not asking permission before purchasing my lunch (since that decision is not a part of my allowance), or purchasing food not on my shopping list without asking, or not helping her putting on her sweater, etc., etc. In each case there is a proper way to do things and an improper response. What I realized during our walk around the lake was just how misguided my actions had been and the changes I needed to make.

The principle being violated here of course, was my level of devotion. Intimately tied to that was the degree of commitment to serving my mistress, regardless of my feelings at the time. It’s the loss of the little things that served as indicators of a much larger underlying problem. It’s my responsibility to see that I don’t continue repeating the wrongs when I know better. It is also my mistress’ responsibility to remain alert to changes like I described and address them immediately. In some respects she played a part in letting the wrongs continue but that is not the issue I want to focus on now. But she has a role to play as well. That’s what a mistress does. She helps me toe the line.  She keeps watch over me and does so because it’s for my own good (and for her benefit).

I was telling some 20ish year college students. They attended a school in which their grading scale required a C grade or better to pass. The lowest ‘C’ was a 75% score. I said, “So what you are telling me is that you can do about 3/4ths of everything correct and still fail a course. What does that tell you?” They didn’t know how to respond so I finished the thought for them. “It tells you that doing most things right isn't good enough. It's telling you that your school isn't satisfied with just doing average work." It is the attention to detail that separates the students that pass from those that fail. And the difference between a high-C and a low-A is not that much.

I once heard a coach say, “average teams don’t do the little things right.” How true he was. The same goes for my attitude to ward my mistress. Doing things half way, not paying attention to the details of life, not making the extra effort are all signs of not making the grade. I need to do better.  And I would suspect the same can be said about you and what your wife expects. She wants your very best.

The same parallel can be drawn to the mistresses reading this. It is your attention to detail that can turn an average wife-led-marriage into a great one. You can have a submissive husband who is somewhat trained or one that can’t wait to tend to every need, wish and want you have. You can have one that blends in with all the other husbands in the crowd or one that stands out because of the level of devotion he demonstrates all the time. The choice as to what kind of husband you own is up to you and for the life of me I can't understand why wives don't experiment to see if trying this, or making him do that won't make a great marriage even better. If you choose to monitor him with only some concern and you will reap an average to below-average sub. Approach him with vigor and really remain attune to his actions - while maintaining an eye for detail as he serves - you will transform him into the man you have always wanted to live with. Your dominance can never be too overbearing. Think of it as a way of showing him you love him.

I’m Hers

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Hope and Happiness

I am a happy camper. Katie and I talked. We discussed ‘what we are’. We talked about my needs and wishes. I was able to express how I really felt and as I spoke I could tell she was interested. She listened. She asked questions. I felt loved and I hope that by me talking openly and honestly that she too felt loved. We both knew, after talking things out, that ultimately she would be the one who would pick and choose from the many things we discussed and decide if changes will be made. I knew that while I talked and as she listened she did so from a position of dominance and control. I did my best to bare my soul and did so from a position of dependency, I understood that although I could express concerns I had no power to change anything. Only she could do that.

Because things went well I have hope. And because I have hope I am happy. I feel a renewed sense of vitality when thinking about the possibilities our D/s relationship holds.  I don’t know if my sudden change in mood is a good thing or not. Part of me remains tempered in my exuberance because I’m not sure what my future holds. I can do nothing but wait for change to take place.

I was talking to my boss today. We got on the topic of relationships. At one point he asked, “How old are you?” I answered. His response was “You don’t act that old.” I chuckled. I don’t feel as old as the number next to my age either. Chronologically I am getting older but I still feel young at heart. My boss made the comment that his dad has become a grumpy old man.  I kind of got a picture of what his dad must be like from that simple statement and it made me think to a relative of mine who is also a grumpy person. Negative, negative, negative.  Ugh!! Why do they choose to be this way?

But there is a reason why people move along the continuum from happy to sad. I can’t speak to my boss’ dad but I can easily see that my relative is grumpy because they are lonely, alone, widowed. They don’t have much hope in their future and they have made choices that have taken them from being loving and fun to being harder to be around.  That is not a good place to be.

I am not where my relative is although for several weeks I had eeked a few notches in that direction. That happened because I was feeling unhappy. Katie had never stopped loving me nor had she stopped being in charge but she had taken some of the fun out of our relationship and that made me sad.

She never stopped being my mistress. She still told me what she wanted every day. “It’s time for you to fix us breakfast.” “Look at this.” “Wash your hands.” “It’s time for bed.”

The commands still came but they came without any mention of the word sub, dominant, mistress, I own you, you are mine, etc. and they came without us ever ‘playing’ dome and sub. They came with her not feeling confident enough to correct my errors. It was the matter-of-factness of life that I wasn't enjoying and I began to wonder if submitting just to submit was worth the effort. As a result I too became a somewhat grumpy sub.

So my hope is that we will not remain where we are currently but rather, move to another level - a deeper, more intimate, more open dominant/submissive level - in our relationship. I believe it was DLsKnight who once mentioned that his relationship with his wife moves like that – they one level of submission to one requiring more dominance and more vulnerability.  Now that is a happy thought. I love what I have. I know I have what so many men desire. And I have all of this with an absolutely beautiful woman – both inside and out. My hope for my sweet, wonderful and dominant Katie is that she will take us to that next level. Now that is a happy thought indeed!

I’m Hers

Monday, February 6, 2017

We Talked

I want to thank the heartfelt and concerned comments in regard to the bump in the road Katie and I have had in our D/s relationship. Many of you wanted me to talk with her and for as much as I appreciated hearing those suggestions it wasn’t that I hadn’t given that a thought. Really I did but I thought it best if I didn’t. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to. I was aching for that conversation. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to push my wants to the forefront of our marriage. I rationalized I was her sub. I needed to follow. I wasn’t supposed to lead. I wanted to trust Katie by waiting for her to initiate that conversation and ask me as to why I was feeling and acting as I was.  I had come to the conclusion that by waiting I was letting go and giving her the freedom to do with me, and us, as she wished.

All that changed a few days ago. Last week we traveled to an event. At one point we were waiting for some friends to show. We were sitting in the car. I spotted someone who and got out to talk with them.  I left Katie and crossed the parking lot. We talked. When I returned a few minutes later Katie said, “You are so handsome.” I thanked her. And then she added, “And you belong to me. All of you belongs to me.” God I needed to hear that second statement. It felt so good.

Later that afternoon I brought up that conversation. “I liked what you said earlier about me when we were waiting in the car.”

“You are handsome.”

“I liked what else you said even more.”

She smiled.

That intro opened the door to our talk. I took the advice of so many and asked if she had concerns about our D/s relationship. She did. I asked because I had to. I needed to get things out in the open and the opportunity seemed to present itself. Yes I went against my hunch to stay quiet but I’m so glad I did.

While alone in a hotel room and with the TV off we sipped coffee and conversed for the better part of an hour. It was a good talk. As expected, I talked more than Katie but that is pretty much par for the course.  She listened patiently and eventually asked the $64,000 question: “So what do you want from me?”

I answered by stating I hoped she would take the time to be more active in expressing her dominance and that she would add a bit of kink – a bit of sexual fun - to our relationship. I asked if she would be more clear when stating what she wants. I asked if she would lead us by having us talk about our D/s relationship intentionally and do it on a regular basis. I reminded her of a routine Cathy from Femdom 101 uses with her husband. That they talk openly and honestly with her husband kneeling before her while she sits in her chair. I asked if we might be able to follow a similar routine but personalize what we do to a time, place and frequency that makes her feel comfortable. I reminded her of my need to be broken; that I still do things my way often; that I can be lazy and self-centered and that isn’t good.

I explained that she can make our relationship however she wants but that there is so much more of me to give. I know it’s up to her to take advantage of that and hope she does. (And that doesn’t’ necessarily mean I just need to do more work. Rather it means I need to make her #1 more than I do.)

We also talked about repercussions – about consequences. I know I don’t do things to perfection all the time.  Recently I’ve slacked off quite a bit with some of my responsibilities. I mentioned how, by ignoring me when I don’t do things the way she wants, she is encouraging me to repeat the undesired behavior. No we didn’t open the door to physical punishment but we did talk about negative consequences. I encouraged her to deal with these times intentionally rather than simply letting things slide by unattended.

I confessed how powerful her open dominance emotionally pulls me close to her. I don’t know why it does but it does. Speaking directly, locking me, being dominantly-playful, not putting up with me doing things on my schedule but insisting I do them on hers and knowing there will be consequences to misdeeds are all ways she can express her love to me. In many ways her dominance is my love-language. For whatever reason I have a need to know I am owned. I confessed how her expressions of dominance drawls me closer and when we lose that part of ‘us’ it makes it harder to remain especially close. At one point I confessed how there have been times when I have become so overwhelmed with feelings of love for her because of her dominance I’ve wanted to drop to my knees and hug her legs as an expression of my submissive love. I never acted on those impulses because I didn’t think she would like me doing that.

“You can do that if you want,” she calmly said much to my surprise.

“I didn’t think that expression of adoration was appropriate.”

“I don’t mind. I’ll get to hug you twice then (meaning hugging me while I am on my knees and then again when she tells me to stand). I didn’t expect that answer but am so happy to hear she is open to me acting on my impulses. I am glad she opened that door since there have been periods when I’ve wanted to do that often.

All in all we had a good talk. My hope, after discussing all this is that she will have the confidence to express her dominant side more. My hope is she will have fun with it and add some kink to how she rules both me and our home. One can only hope. It’s up to her take time to process all we discussed and make the necessary changes. It’s up to me to wait patiently and be the submissive I know she wants and expects me to be and not intentionally try to push her buttons.  My hope is we will grow as a result of this small rift in our relationship. And maybe I need to be more verbally supportive in helping her grow in her dominance since this is not something that comes naturally. Time will tell but I’m so thankful that we were able to get things out in the open. I guess I should have initiated this conversation weeks ago. Hopefully I won’t repeat the same mistake again.

I’m Hers