Sunday, February 12, 2017
Hope and Happiness
I am a happy camper. Katie and I talked. We discussed ‘what we are’. We talked about my needs and wishes. I was able to express how I really felt and as I spoke I could tell she was interested. She listened. She asked questions. I felt loved and I hope that by me talking openly and honestly that she too felt loved. We both knew, after talking things out, that ultimately she would be the one who would pick and choose from the many things we discussed and decide if changes will be made. I knew that while I talked and as she listened she did so from a position of dominance and control. I did my best to bare my soul and did so from a position of dependency, I understood that although I could express concerns I had no power to change anything. Only she could do that.
Because things went well I have hope. And because I have hope I am happy. I feel a renewed sense of vitality when thinking about the possibilities our D/s relationship holds. I don’t know if my sudden change in mood is a good thing or not. Part of me remains tempered in my exuberance because I’m not sure what my future holds. I can do nothing but wait for change to take place.
I was talking to my boss today. We got on the topic of relationships. At one point he asked, “How old are you?” I answered. His response was “You don’t act that old.” I chuckled. I don’t feel as old as the number next to my age either. Chronologically I am getting older but I still feel young at heart. My boss made the comment that his dad has become a grumpy old man. I kind of got a picture of what his dad must be like from that simple statement and it made me think to a relative of mine who is also a grumpy person. Negative, negative, negative. Ugh!! Why do they choose to be this way?
But there is a reason why people move along the continuum from happy to sad. I can’t speak to my boss’ dad but I can easily see that my relative is grumpy because they are lonely, alone, widowed. They don’t have much hope in their future and they have made choices that have taken them from being loving and fun to being harder to be around. That is not a good place to be.
I am not where my relative is although for several weeks I had eeked a few notches in that direction. That happened because I was feeling unhappy. Katie had never stopped loving me nor had she stopped being in charge but she had taken some of the fun out of our relationship and that made me sad.
She never stopped being my mistress. She still told me what she wanted every day. “It’s time for you to fix us breakfast.” “Look at this.” “Wash your hands.” “It’s time for bed.”
The commands still came but they came without any mention of the word sub, dominant, mistress, I own you, you are mine, etc. and they came without us ever ‘playing’ dome and sub. They came with her not feeling confident enough to correct my errors. It was the matter-of-factness of life that I wasn't enjoying and I began to wonder if submitting just to submit was worth the effort. As a result I too became a somewhat grumpy sub.
So my hope is that we will not remain where we are currently but rather, move to another level - a deeper, more intimate, more open dominant/submissive level - in our relationship. I believe it was DLsKnight who once mentioned that his relationship with his wife moves like that – they one level of submission to one requiring more dominance and more vulnerability. Now that is a happy thought. I love what I have. I know I have what so many men desire. And I have all of this with an absolutely beautiful woman – both inside and out. My hope for my sweet, wonderful and dominant Katie is that she will take us to that next level. Now that is a happy thought indeed!