Sunday, February 26, 2017

Punishment and Intimacy

Somehow Katie and I were talking about punishments. I don’t know what got us on the topic but we found ourselves engaged in a discussion. She brought up a past memory in which she remembered a series of incidents when one of her children would get into a mode where he'd continually do the wrong thing. “I didn’t want to spank him but I knew I had to. And when I did - every time - he stopped being so bad for a while. It was that way every time,” she said thoughtfully. 

It was about this same time when I received a comment from Jake. He made mention of instances in which his mistress needed to punish him. He states: “On more occasions than I can count, my wife has handcuffed me to the bed frame, forcing me to spend the evening on the hardwood floor, as she makes herself comfortable in our king-sized bed. That translates to 10 seconds of “work” for her, and 10 hours of suffering for me, with the net result being the doubling of my eagerness to obey her the following day.”

I also read a comment by Marisa on The Disciplines Husbands Forum: "….. I LOVE confession. I am not talking about the contrived “mommy I was naughty" version designed to get a spanking, but the sincere heartfelt admission of guilt and acceptance of penance………”

Punishment and penance. Two words that are pervasive throughout all societies. Our criminal court system is based around the principle of punishing the guilty and giving absolution to the innocent. Children punish their friends in their little kid ways. Parents punish children. Employers discipline employees. Police officers hand out tickets to speeders. Teachers punish misbehavior in school. Coaches make kids run when they disobey. Punishment can be found everywhere and the use of reward or punishment is a foundational method of rewarding or discouraging various types of behavior.

What I wanted to hone in on was Katie’s comment regarding the effect her punishment had on her child. The outcome was the same with how Jake responded after being cuffed him to the bed. In both instances it curbed inappropriate behavior. My hunch is it removed the tension between parent and child, between mistress and submissive. In the case of Katie’s child it restored a relationship that was partly broken. It did the same with Jake and his wife. Adding to the power of punishment is what Marisa feels when having to handle her submissive when he comes to her to own up to a wrong. She loves when he does. She loves having him own up to a wrong committed by bringing it to her attention. Why? Well she went on to say in her comment …. “(the act of her submissive man confessing) is very hot for a dominant woman.  I believe it taps deeply into our nurturing nature as well as the penance giving role so natural to us."

Isn’t that statement revealing? Aren’t women all about their man being open, honest and vulnerable? Don't relationships become 'real' during those times when we really cast aside the protective facades we too often use and really bare our soul that the one who loves us? Those times can affect us in such profound ways. Marisa is one who loves it when her man tells her what he’s done wrong. She loves it because he’s given her power to do with him whatever she deems appropriate. Will she simply say, "Thank you for being honest?” Might she levy out punishment? His vulnerability suddenly created a relationship building moment. And in the case of Marisa she loves it. His vulnerability is sexy. His vulnerability stimulates her in ways she normally isn't. His vulnerability creates an opportunity for the two of them to engage in something she views as both nurturing and intimate.

That is the key takeaway point here. Punishment and intimacy are tied inseparably together. Katie spanking her child resulted in a parent child bond. He no longer wanted to disobey. Her nurturing act of spanking him allowed her child to let go of whatever underlying insecurity it was that made him want to act out. Because Jake was cuffed to the bed and made to sleep on a hardwood floor, that punishment was interpreted as an act of love on his part. It gave him time to reflect on how his actions hurt his mistress. It gave him perspective. It made him love his mistress all the more. It didn’t create a divide. Marisa too found the act of her submissive confessing and the subsequent punishment delivered as a means of bolstering their love-bond. In each instance love was manifested through the act of disciplining. In each situation two individuals were brought closer together.

The reason why is beyond my level of understanding. Maybe it is because the punishment removed feelings of guilt from the transgressor. Maybe it’s because it brought closure to a breach in the relationship. Maybe it was because of the depth of trust demonstrated on the part of the confessor as well as the one serving up the punishment. I'm sure it can be just as difficult for her to tell him to stand in the corner as it is for him to confess and know something uncomfortable is about to take place because of that confession. There is a mutual trust required by both.

So what does this mean to me? I’m not completely sure. As of yet, Katie has not begun to have ‘talks’ where she probes my actions to see if I am following orders to the highest of standards. Katie has never punished me. I do believe she is giving it consideration. I think so because of some comments she made when we had that talk that brought our issues to the forefront.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this topic. Does the confession of wrongs build closeness in your relationship? Does punishment of any sort work when thinking of it as a way to build intimacy? Can there be ‘bad’ punishments or improper punishments or ineffective punishments? When thinking of the word punishment, does it really have to equate with a spanking or are there other effective and more useful ways to accomplish the same objective?

Just a few thoughts for this time around.


I’m Hers  

6 comments:

  1. I am punished on a regular basis as I break the rules that we have determined. Actually that my wife has determined. I do feel much closer to her afterwards. Though for the life of me I couldn't tell you why.

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  2. I have shared with my wife how there is an intimacy in our WLM and DD that we cannot find in anything else in our marriage. It has brought a closeness that I cannot explain. As far as the punishment and intimacy my wife has up to this point only used spanking as punishment. For her I believe it is the physical closeness being across her lap and the connection that happens between her hand and my butt. For me it is also an emotional/mental closeness.

    Thanks for your posting and blog.

    Luvinhub

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  3. "Maybe it is because the punishment removed feelings of guilt from the transgressor. Maybe it’s because it brought closure to a breach in the relationship. Maybe it was because of the depth of trust demonstrated on the part of the confessor as well as the one serving up the punishment."

    It's all of those things and more my friend. I do trust Mistress K. to mete out an appropriate response for my human transgressions that violate our vows to each other. Spankings for me (us) do allow for an almost instantaneously "erasing of the chalkboard" and allows for the issue at hand to be recognized and absolved. When I am being spanked, truly spanked as in punishment spanking, I absolutely hate it. Yes, it hurts, but worse, it is a realization that I am in this position because I have failed her, or merely just disappointed her when it comes to what she expects of me. I mentioned that I hate it when it is happening but the one thing that eclipses the hate for being punished is the love I feel for her for her willingness to do it. I don't know if that will make sense or not. Moreover, there is nothing more intimate and at no time are we ever closer than when she is applying aftercare following a punishment.

    "Does the confession of wrongs build closeness in your relationship?" Yes, absolutely!

    Does punishment of any sort work when thinking of it as a way to build intimacy? Inmost cases it does. The vagueness of "any sort" would certainly provide examples of a negative reply in that regard, if the punishment was cruel, unusual or outside the limits that have been set. That being said, I can tell you there is a never ending desire for Mistress K. to test and broaden those limits.

    Can there be ‘bad’ punishments or improper punishments or ineffective punishments? Yes. Even though it is her world and I am jut honored to live in it, an ineffective punishment is bad in my opinion. An ineffective punishment in our marriage is one, frankly, that is too lenient.

    When thinking of the word punishment, does it really have to equate with a spanking or are there other effective and more useful ways to accomplish the same objective? There are plenty of other ways to give/receive an effective punishment. Not all of my punishments are spankings, although most are. Other forms of punishment might include the taking away of privileges, being required to wear my chastity cage, increased time between orgasms/ejaculates, the suspension of my ability to be able to physically worship her body. All very effective.

    I am excited to hear that the prospect you receiving spankings/punishments is within the realm of possibility. I believe it is something that can and will bring a level of intimacy and love that Katie and you may not have experienced. Excited to hear how this develops for the both of you.

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  4. I'm Hers,
    So glad to hear you have a better understanding of your relationship with Katie. I hope she does not make up for lost time if she decides to start punishing you. I am not punished but my wife is pretty confident and since I am submissive to her she has verbally set me straight a few times if I did something that made her cross. Sometimes correction of me is more her reminding me that i am not like many other husbands and I have to make sure I defer to her if I have over stepped my rather limited authority. Of course her saying something like reminding me that she alone controls the keys to my chastity cage or the money I have access to can be enough to put me into a very submissive mood.

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    1. So sorry I'm Hers,
      I realize I have been forgetting to put my initialls. The February 27th post was from FL.

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  5. Joe, I totally empathize with your thoughts. I too am strong willed and have gone through the same thought processes as you in wanting to be broken by Mistress (my loving partner of over 10 years).
    Even though it was me who instigated the DD side of our relationship, we’ve gone through all ten years of me fighting Mistress’ authority – trying to get her to dominate me as I used to fantasise. It was only when she decided to give up on her role that I realised I should have just surrendered to her will.
    Mistress is quite a dominant personality by nature, but had no experience of applying that dominance to a DD perspective so me questioning her knocked her confidence. And there was no question of her going to the lengths to break me, as it were.
    The issue was that the problems of the DD side of our relations, naturally began to affect our overall relationship so we both agreed to a time out on DD.
    Our DD is not over, merely on hold, because after some frank discussions Mistress decided I needed mentoring by a third party, someone with much more experience and understanding of DD than either of us and who Mistress can work with to ‘retrain’ me and make me more malleable to her authority. In other words, someone who is prepared to break me, and someone I cannot argue with!
    The Lady we are hoping who can help us is an incredibly strict disciplinarian who is not to be toyed with, but is also a trained counselor so we’re both hopeful of getting me back on track so Mistress can once again take up the dominant role she actually quite enjoys.

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