Sunday, March 5, 2017

Mixed Feelings - Good Ones - Frustrating Ones - but in the end - all good

For who knows what reason, Katie stopped locking me back in late October/early November. Removing that chunk of steel from around me was a difficult adjustment. I missed it and interpreted the 'you don't need to lock' or 'I don't want you locked' as a letting go of our D/s relationship.  It wasn't that at all but that's how I felt.

Today, for who knows what reason I was told to lock. It had been what, 3-4 months? What the heck was with her? Obediently (and happily - more like gratefully) I locked up.

Some bit later I asked if I could read a blog post to her, one that I found interesting. After reading it we talked for a little bit but not at much as what I hoped. 

"Go make me breakfast. I'm hungry," she said out of the blue.

I guess whatever discussion we might of had was over. I stood and walked off steaming.  "Damn, why can't we talk about these kinds of things," I stewed. 

That's when I put it all together. I was as hard as a rock. I had jumped to my feet when she told me to go fetch breakfast. I was locked in a cage. I was everything I wanted and yet I was pissed. Or was I?  It took me a bit to get over the, 'I'm done talking about this' frustration. While I cooked her eggs my mind went to that part of my promise when I married Katie  that part about embracing her words. What I said when we married was ..... "I will embrace your decisions regardless of my personal views".....  "and I promise to be the man who embraces your dominance, who submits to you obediently and who acknowledges you as the head of our home."

Mulling over that while frying a few eggs had quite the sobering effect. She told me what to do and now it was my turn to do it. She decided she was through talking about something for now and now it was now my turn to let it be - and to be thankful she made the decisions she had.

Ten minutes later I served her a healthy and hearty breakfast. "Here you go Mistress," I said handing a plate of food to her. God she looked so beautiful sitting there. I melted and kissed her. I kissed her again and again and again - more times than she wanted but I didn't want to stop. My mood passed and I was once more thankful for having a wife who is securely dominant.

It wasn't until a few hours later when I fessed up and told her about my emotional turmoil. She listened and then replied, "You got exactly what you wanted." That was it. Short. Sweet. To the point. And 100% true. She was right. This is what I want. She is who I want to obey. Having her be in charge is what pulls me to her. I want to serve and I want to obey my mistress.

Just before sitting down to write this post I was told, "Make me coffee. I'm cold."  

"I don't know if I like you talking like that or not."I answered

"Why is that?"

"Because now you are telling me what you want instead of implying." I went on, "Usually you say something like I'm cold. I wonder if I might need a coffee. Then I'm supposed to interpret that as 'make me coffee'".

Again she reminded me, "That's what you wanted." (meaning being told.)

It is. I want her to lead. I want her to be confident. I want her to speak her mind -  and I want to obey.

Oh, and that post I read this morning had to do with asserting one's dominance. Before I started reading I asked what degree of dominance she felt she had in our marriage and what degree of freedom she still allowed me. 80/20 was what she perceived us to be. That may be right although I'm having a hard time coming up with examples of where I get to decide w.hat I want 20% of the time. 

She's my mistress. I'm hers. I keep reminding her I am and maybe once a day she'll remind me I'm her sub. Yet there are those times when I don't get my way and she acts like a controlling mistress. When those times happen I still struggle with not getting my way. Submission is not the easiest thing in the world to live out but it is what I asked for and don't ever want to live without. It's who we are. I am her sub and she is my mistress!

I'm Hers

10 comments:

  1. What a good post, IH, and much deeper than at first read.
    There is this that we want and to which we struggle with, at the same time. I know that is true of many of us.
    I want her in charge, in control. I want that unmistakable show that she knows she is the dominant in our marriage. And yet, there are times I bristle inside when her control is not inline with what it is that I want.
    I sometimes have to 'mope off' and remind myself that this is indeed what I want and what I have dreamed of, in spite of a part of me wanting to rebel.
    She is the wife of my dreams.

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  2. Thanks for the kind words DLsKnight. I'm glad I'm not alone here. I was really ticked off when she told me to go make her breakfast but of course what was going on in my groin was conveying a completely different response. :) I almost started laughing when I realized how I responded but was to mad at the time to give in to the truth of my response.
    Always glad to hear your point of view on my posts.

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  3. I suspect that if you asked her, your wife might agree that you have a tendency to overthink many things. This often leads to conversations that are initiated by you and a bit of "ad nauseum" occurs with you going on and on about something and that inevitably leads to your wife either having a belly full of it and backing away from the dynamic or just saying words to the effect of "just shut up and do as you're told". This, you say, pisses you off at first until you come to your senses and realize that this IS WHAT YOU WANT AND ASKED FOR.

    I see this over and over again in your writing, and if I may suggest a little experiment, why don't you two agree that for a period of one week, you will simply follow orders with no ensuing conversations concerning your submission AT ALL. No discussions about it, no deep reaching talks abut the implications of every order received - just do as you're told, period. See how you feel when the week is over. See if you haven't reached a new - and very interesting - level of subspace. Give it a try. You might both be surprised at what happens, and at the very least you'll have a much greater understanding of where things are or should be.

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    1. Yep.... I'll do this: for a period of one week, you will simply follow orders with no ensuing conversations concerning your submission AT ALL. No discussions about it, no deep reaching talks abut the implications of every order received - just do as you're told, period.

      The problem with this and maybe I'm not too clear but Katie doesn't hardly discuss. She doesn't talk (about D/s). That's where I respectfully disagree. Yes I might overthink. I might dwell rather than move on but when we finally do talk and it's cut off prematurely, it gives me that 'ugh!' feelings.

      but I'll do what you suggest - which is pretty much living life as I usually do.

      Thanks for the suggestions. I'll see if I feel any differently after a week or two of this.

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    2. I do understand the "ugh" feelings brought on by a Femdom's unwillingness to engage in discussions, but for you - and I suspect DLsKnight and JT as well - the basic problem is that your Dominant Woman is not a natural dominant. These ladies did not initially have dominant fantasies that matched those that you boys have always had. In a sense, they are your creations, having been cajoled ( note that I didn't say "coerced" ) into becoming the Doms of your fantasies. As such, they don't live up to my maxim that a Femdom is at least 90% responsible for the success and continuance of a female led relationship. Let's face it, this was not their idea to begin with. Such created Femdoms (as opposed to natural ones such as myself) cannot be expected to share the intensity of your feelings, and often find it tiring and obtrusive when their subs are continually in "let's have a discussion" mode. They simply do not share your overriding immersion into the dynamic, but at least they're trying, and you must accept that their intensity can rarely match your own and exists at a different level than yours. This inevitably leads to frustration on your part and that "ugh" moment when they'd just rather that you shut up. So be patient, be understanding, be grateful for what you do have and quiet the introspective noise you'd really like to be engaging in, and just be the sub that WILL turn her on. I suspect that a bit less discussion on your part(s) will have a positive effect on the relationship.

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  4. IH,
    I am probably going to agree with Lady Grey 100%. Why? Because I am probably just as guilty, if not more.
    And, your writing has always been my first search; where I start. I wish there was far more, but Katy?, maybe not so much. I have heard that line of thought before in our home. Just don't leave us out of the loop.JT

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  5. Lady Grey has hit on this very well, and I don't mean this to pick on you but, to pick on myself.
    I think it is almost inherent in men to overthink things. Or at least it is for a lot of us.
    My wife very often tells me that I "over think" or "think too deep" on things. She will tell me when we are discussing things, "I just see it as it is or should be, I'm not a deep thinker. You try too hard to see 'why' or 'how' it is or should be. You over think looking for hidden meaning".
    This also coming from another woman (Lady Grey), just makes me think even deeper about it. LOL, but it is true.

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  6. Thank you sweetie for another interesting post. Men and women approach things with a different prospective. But just think about the idea of having a man locked. Most women have absolutely no idea that men want to have their little soldier under lock and key. How the world would be changed if women understood this and if they were willing become man's key holder. Love, Kathy

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    1. Indeed the world would be quite different. I have often wondered if you have ever given thought to purchasing a cheapo cage on amazon for your husband. I would think he'd love having to wear it ever now and again. As for me the 'being locked' 'being unlocked' has been an on again, off again state since writing that post. I think she just likes playing with my mind. :)

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  7. Yes, of course, women love to play with the male mind. As a young teenager my mother taught me the importance of keeping the boys guessing. She told me that boys were more attentive, more interested and such when you were a challenge to them. Once you go study with them they tend to louse interest, she told me. 'Keep them guessing' she told me. This is probably what Mistress Katie is doing with you. My guess is that she knows how to keep you on pins and needles, and in the long run this is the way a man should be kept.

    The femdom part of our relationship came of age before locking devices were popular. Back then men most often wore a collar around their neck as a demonstration of their status. When we travel I often have John where is collar out in the open where it shows. Often times he has 'looks' and some times he has questions. You may be surprised, but he enjoys the opportunity, the freedom to wear his collar in the open.

    On occasion John has asked me about buying him a locking device. My thinking is that these device are more practical for younger men. For John it would be more of a toy. Still, who knows, I may surprise him one day.

    Love you, Kathy

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