Wednesday, April 26, 2017
"Just do what you're told." Lady Grey made that statement in a post-comment a few months back and since that time I have literally repeated that phrase to myself a hundred different times. Each time I silently told myself, "just do what she tells you," I thought about our relationship and who it is that I am and who it is that Katie is at our most fundamental level. I am her submissive and she is my dominant wife.
Seven years ago I asked Katie if she would allow me to submit to her as the head of our home. Seven years ago I asked if she would assume leadership and take control of me and our relationship. After much discussion she hesitantly agreed to my proposals. So what was it that I asked her to do? In a nutshell I asked if she would permit me to give up control (one of the banes of my personality and one that I believe contributed to the failure of my marriage - and a trait I sincerely wanted to rid myself of). In doing so I agreed to follow. I agreed to obey. I agreed to allow her to lead us in the way she felt was best. I agreed to a wife-led-marriage.
During the months that followed my hesitant leader slowly found her stride. Living in a relationship in which she had the freedom to tell me what she wanted was just as much of a struggle for her to feel free in asserting her will as it was for me to let go. I propped her up so many times and still do but to a much lesser extent. With the leadership she accepted (and one I asked her take), came the task of delegating responsibilities to me. Mostly she wanted my help around the home and so came the chores of vacuuming and keeping the bedroom and bathroom in order as well as doing the weekly wash. She has never enjoyed cooking even though she did it for years and so with my submission came that responsibility as well. The kitchen became my new home. She told me she expected me to be a gentleman and as a result I began doing those little things that considerate men do. I opened doors. I carried her shopping bags, I waited for her to decide when we should leave to go home, I started keeping her appointment book and reminding her of commitments, I intentionally sat beside her, I touched, stroked, rubbed and caressed her body often because she loves being touched. I snuggle her tight every night. I do myriad other similar acts of kindness that demonstrate my gratitude.
Katie wanted to take control of our finances and so shortly after making that decision I went to the payroll department at work and changed the account into which my earnings were deposited. Sex was another change that took place and one that I wrote a bit about in the last post. In general, sex became something we did when and how she wanted. She enjoys the denial part of my sexuality and so our times spent intimately entwined is pretty much about her satisfaction although I have come to enjoy those times as equally special. I asked to be locked and she agreed to keep me locked whenever we are apart and sometimes when we aren't - e.g., weekends.
What I’m driving at here is: I got what I asked for. I asked for a leader and I got one. I asked if she would take our marriage in the direction she wanted and she has. I offered to give up whatever power I had in the relationship and she agreed to take it. As a result of our power exchange I was told I would be taking on additional chores and I have long since assumed those responsibilities. I was told I needed to change certain attitudes, to expect things to be handled differently and to maintain an attitude of deference toward her - and I have. What I didn’t get was a wife who was inclined to be kinky. She isn’t and I don’t think she ever will be. I didn’t get a wife who enjoys teasing me sexually or one that wants to spank me or one who even likes to talk about my submission or her dominance. I didn’t get any of that but I did get a wife that has no intention of ever giving me free reign of the checkbook, or one that will choose to have sex on my terms, or one who will let me take control of the TV remote, or one who will ever be the cook or laundry girl, or one that will ever allow me 'out' of my marriage vow of forever living in submission to her. I got myself a leader; a loving leader; and one who has accepted my submission - but did so on her terms.
So what am I to do? I think the answer is quite simple and straightforward. I need to hold to my end of the bargain and in essence I need to ‘do what I am told to do’. Isn't that what I asked of her way back when? Didn't I ask to give up control? Didn't I ask for her to lead and do things her way? Isn't that what submission is... giving up, letting go, obeying, yielding, obeying orders? Katie has never been one to write down rules but I know one rule she intuitively expects of me is to ‘obey my wife’.
What I have come to see since Lady Grey made that thought-provoking comment was just how much grief I was giving my mistress by not keeping my mouth shut and doing what she wanted. A few days ago we took a lengthy trip. In my mind I had hoped we'd get to our destination but some hours into our trip a strong storm rolled in. “We need to stop soon; don’t you think?” she said more than asked. I didn’t respond and kept driving (because I wanted to get to our destination). A few minutes later lightning struck and the rain intensified. “We need to get off at the next exit. Get off up there so we can find a place to stay for the night.” Now I didn’t want to stop but I did what I was told. I relented without pressuring her to do what I wanted.
A few days later we were involved in a big project at home. We had torn so much stuff out of boxes and everything was a mess but we were slowly getting things back in order. Several hours into the project she suddenly stated, “I want all of this moved downstairs.” I couldn’t believe it! Internally I groaned and rolled my eyes. All I wanted was to be done. I couldn't believe she wanted to do something that would require so much more work. That’s when that comment came to mind: “Just do what you are told”. I gave in. "Yes Mistress. I'll do whatever you want," I answered. We moved everything from ‘here’ to ‘there’ and although it indeed was a lot of work, we got it done and it looks great!
“So where do you want to eat? I’m starving,” she asked. Now normally I’d defer and tell her 'where ever you want' but again, that phrase haunted me. So instead of telling her I didn’t care, I answered her question. I mentioned a restaurant and love frequenting and she agreed my choice was a good idea.
Just this morning we were discussing the itinerary for an upcoming multi-day trip. I had an idea but she shot it down because she didn’t think it would work. And so my idea isn’t what we will do. Again, I thought, “just do what you are told. You voiced your opinion and she didn’t want to do it so just shut up and do what she says.” I didn't push my idea further. I'm her sub and she's in charge.
I’m doing what I’m told. I’m living my life according to her vision of how she views our femdom marriage. It no longer is in my power to shape our marriage the way I envision it, but then again, I didn’t ask for her to do things my way. I asked her to take charge and lead as she saw fit. I asked if I could follow. And so I’m following although that path isn’t necessarily the one I expected we’d take. But that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path. It’s just a different one and one I am happy to tote along behind.
Thursday, April 13, 2017
I don’t hear those words often but she said them this morning while we were making love. After having two orgasms she told me, “you can come”.
It’s such an odd thing for me to hear. Now don’t get me wrong, I love it when she lets me, but my typical mode is to maintain staying power until she and I are through and she has had enough pleasure for one morning (or evening). My job is to avoid getting the urge of getting too close and thereby ruining her time prematurely. For me personally, if I do get near the edge there is usually no turning back, so I’ve found it best to just not let my body go there.
After we finished today and while we were still embraced, my attention was drawn to a picture on the far wall. I thought back to times past when I had to center my thoughts on that picture with all of my conscious effort in an effort to keep my urges from getting the best of me. Back in the old days I had a difficult time refraining from climaxing. The only way was to either stop or think about something completely different than what we were doing and often times I use that picture as the distraction I needed to keep my body from losing complete control. Most of the time one of those techniques worked, but it there were several occasions when it became impossibly difficult to refrain.
But how things have changed in the years since. Our new routine (with her standing orders to not come) slowly changed my response. The process was a slow one. Having spent my entire adult life with one goal in mind when making love (to ejaculate), it took many times spent in intimacy to change my practiced biological impulse. I had to figure out how to avoid doing the very thing I had done for decades and changing that was not an easy process. I guess you could call what happened an example of behavioral modification.
After becoming her submissive my reward while making love changed and with it so did what I was to expect whenever we had sex. No longer was it about me reaching orgasm but rather about me finding satisfaction through her orgasms and the pleasure she received while we were together. No longer was it about me satisfying me, but rather me being the source of her enjoyment. No longer was it about me being a one-and-done guy. Instead it became me being the source of her three, four, five or six climaxes.
After making love two or three times every week for several months my body’s instincts changed. I realized, almost after the fact, that I could go longer with more stimulation and not lose control. Now I can last a half hour although she doesn't typically spend that much time enjoying me before stopping.
So today, when she told me I could come, my thought was, “well that aint happening any time soon.” I had to change gears, change my focus. No longer was it about how long I could go without coming but about me not taking too long before I did what she wanted.
Our time today was great. There’s nothing better than making love with the love of my life. I have no idea when she’ll let me come again but that doesn’t mean every time between now and then won’t be just as loving, just as exciting, just as erotic and equally satisfying. Sex for me isn’t about seeking that three-second ‘wow’ feeling but about sharing her joy the entire time we are close. Sex has become so nice since seeing it as a change to give rather than get and to be perfectly honest, I love it this way.