Friday, May 12, 2017
In the previous post I discussed my views on dominance and submission. My primary tenet was that submission really is about following orders and following the path the dominant partner takes in the relationship. Submission is about pleasing her even if it means sometimes – or maybe often – the submissive doesn’t derive pleasure from the choices she makes. I didn’t say I don’t find her leadership pleasurable but the fact that do or don’t is irrelevant to the definition of who a submissive is. The dominant partner is the one who decides. She is the one who dictates the responsibilities the submissive will and/or won’t have in the relationship. She’s the one that directs the relationship, makes decisions, determines what she wants from him and determines what she believes is best for him as her acquired property. Underlying this power-dynamic is love. A relationship cannot exist (indefinitely) if love is not present. I say this because in my relationship, I have never doubted Katie’s love for me, or my love for her even though I may not have agreed with every choice she has made as my dominant.
So, why is it important for me to keep doing what she says besides the obvious answer of ‘this is what submissives do’? For me, it has to do with my level of submission. I believe that Lady Grey, the woman who encouraged me to adhere to the mantra of doing what I am told, would agree that I am not the most compliant of submissives. I’m not bad. I don’t intentionally try to rock the boat but I have done my best to sway Katie into becoming the kind of dominant I want to serve. Despite my efforts, my pressures haven’t worked all that well (although I still have hope she will feel free enough to try new and different things). If nothing else, seeing her experiment is a reflection of the level of confidence she has a dominant within our marriage. It speaks to the freedom she has to try this or that, knowing I will not stand in her way because of my professed desire to yield.
But whether she does or doesn’t is a topic for a different post. My ongoing issue has been, and continues to be, my will. My will is strong. Katie has never really broken it and (in my opinion) it needs to be broken. I know that it does. I know that I will be a better husband if she helps me get to that point. What I doubt is Katie's understanding of how breaking my will will enable me to be a better, more loving, and more serving husband and submissive.
When we married I stated in my vow that 'I would embrace her decisions'. I have failed in that attempt too many times to count. I like things done my way. When she makes decision that align with my thinking, things go well. It’s when she has a different view that I naturally want to confront and ask why. That attitude is not one of embracing. Rather, it’s the polar opposite. It’s me telling her in so many words: I don’t like that idea. Now it’s not like she is opposed to me voicing my opinion and believe me, I am not one to keep my mouth shut. But after talking about ‘said topic’, I’m not always the best at ‘embracing’ something I wish for her to do differently. And therein lies the problem.
I’m not submitting when I rebel. Oh I am technically submitting. I end up caving and outwardly doing what she wants. I’m not so stupid to disobey and violate house rule #1 (always obey Mistress), but my heart hasn’t submitted. Many times I will do things begrudgingly. I’m not truly submitting when I do something unwillingly. And I’m surely not embracing her leadership. In fact, I am violating my marriage covenant by not embracing her decisions and loving her with all my heart, soul, mind and body.
The trouble with my attitude over the years is: I wonder if I have indeed hindered Katie’s development as a mistress? I so desperately need to feel her leadership and wonder if my attitude has been counter-productive to her growth as a mistress. More than anything I want to know she is in control of not just us BUT OF ME. I need to consciously know I don’t have a free reign to do what I want. For me, she can show no greater love than by reminding me through word and deed that I am hers – owned, bound and here to serve. To have her demonstrate this through word or deed is akin to her screaming ‘I love you!!!!’. It really is. I need to be told this is how it will be or this is what I want you to do, regardless of whether or not it appears convenient, easy or sensitive. Having me serve reinforces my submission and remember, that is what I wanted in the first place – to submit, to serve, to obey, to be the one there to take care of her and her needs.
Doing what I am told is important because my will needs breaking. That doesn’t mean she needs me to be some spineless husband who no longer expresses his own thoughts. Rather, I know I need to be broken because of the longterm benefit of our relationship. Remember, the purpose of me submitting was to deepen our bond. It was to allow me to become a better husband and mate. It was to keep me away from vices I know I am sometimes tempted and need another power (Katie’s authority – and a healthy fear of her) to avoid those temptations. You might say part of my submission is because I know I am weak in certain aspects of my life and need to feel that dominant leash reminding me, ‘don’t even think about it’.
So for now, my hope is Katie will provide me innumerable opportunities to obey and I will follow her orders and do so with the proper attitude. Even after all of these years of serving as her submissive sometimes feel as if I am in my ‘submissive infancy’. I still need to learn. I still need to come to a better understanding of what it really means to submit. I need to embrace when situations arise and my instincts tell me to rebel. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there but I at least know this is an issue that I and Katie need to continually address.