Tuesday, July 4, 2017

United We Stand Divided We Fall

I passed by those words printed on a church sign the other day. They are appropriate words. The Fourth of July holiday is approaching. Patriotism abounds. Flags and flag buntings abound everywhere. There will be parades, concerts, fireworks, and TV specials all celebrating our country’s independence – all because the British government wanted two cents more on teabags. I mean, I like my ice tea but to go to war for it? Now that’s passion but in hindsight, I’m glad they did. I love my country and glad we aren’t a satellite nation to another.

But the reason for now writing has more to do with the significance of the phrase to relationships. I realize all marriages aren’t constructed in the same way as ours. However, it’s my belief that relationships function best when there is a designated leader and only one leader. I believe it’s more difficult when everyone involved has an equal say. One can apply this to a marriage, to parenting (parent and children), to education (teacher and students), to employment (employer and employees), to athletics (coach and players), to government (leader(s) and citizens) and on and on the examples could go. People function best when there is someone in charge.

Our marriage thrives, in a large part, because we made the decision to not approach it from a 50/50 dynamic. I knew I needed to submit. It took me some years to figure 'me' out but I have learned I thrive best by serving rather than leading. I function best living within the constraints Katie places on me and I know Katie loves being independent. For as much as equal marriages might work for some, it isn’t what works best for us. Katie is my leader and I am her follower. She is the one who decides while I am the one who provides input when asked but yields when the time comes for decisions to be made.

All of our income is directly deposited into one account – hers – and it is not for me to dip into that account and spend her money. Although we may discuss larger purchases every now and again, I don’t make final decisions unless she feels more comfortable with me doing so.  For example, the other day we purchased a small AC unit to cool a room we sometimes use. She asked me about the size we should look into and I suggested what I thought would be best. But once that was done she was the one who chose the store we would go to and she made the final decision.  It happened that we both had gift cards that could be used. Actually I had three and she had one. I used mine but she opted to save hers. I didn’t bother asking why. She also chose the specific unit we purchased after looking over the two different models they had for sale in the size range we wanted.

Sexual activity, vacations, errands, meals, even the plants we put in our gardens are decisions she ultimately makes.  What I find so profoundly interesting is that even though I am virtually powerless within the confines of our home I have never been more content.  For me, there is something very freeing by letting go of that power and following. I love watching her take charge. I love watching her lead. I find the dynamic appealing – and even hot!

Just today we talked about her making sure she gets to enjoy those things about my service she loves most. It was my hope that she might insist on making sure I provide those ‘perks’ often and that they don’t get pushed aside due to the business of life. I want her to lead but I also want her to enjoy what I can provide for her.

There is something so beautiful and knowing she’s my mistress-wife. I want nothing more and I am often reminded how much she loves me there to support but follow. In our home there is but one leader and it is under that leadership that we best coexist and stand united. And as the good book says: a cord of three strands is difficult to break. I say all this because we have become a united couple. We are in no way divided. We do things her way. We function as a team. And we live as we do in the hope that our marriage will not just survive but thrive. I don't know about you but I loooovvve being in love and don't want to settle for things being just OK.

Happy fourth! I hope you too will remain united in your quest for sustained intimacy.

I’m Hers


  1. So sexual activity aside your telling me your wife makes all the final decisions? So even if she told you that your way of parenting is wrong and are not allowed to parent your child a certain way you would be okay with that? If she said she wanted you to either quit your job or go find a higher paying job so she could stay at home and still you don't get to touch your money for even little things that bring you happiness or your hobbies, so you have to ask your wife for permission to buy something that makes you feel happy? Does it not feel like she is more of a mom than mistress? What if she just decides to not have any sexual relation with you would you still be okay with her being in charge? Are there any parts of your life that you still want any control over to be independent or have more say than your wife in? And does it ever worry you that she has any thoughts or feelings of you being in anyway less of a man when she has to take care of you all the time and make all the little decisions that you rely on her to make does she ever feel bothered at all by that or any resentment that she shoulders all the responsibility of the actions that come from making even wrong decisions?

  2. NavSteward, thanks for all the questions. I can appreciate your questions but if you have read back in this blog you will come to see that I (and Katie) have a basic premise: we want to remain just as much in love in 10 years as we are now. So when you ask all of those difficult questions, many are mute because Katie has my best interests at heart. And we do discuss lots - all the time. It's just that she makes the final call on most things. (And I should correct myself. There are some things she couldn't care less about and leaves it up to me.... for example I decide when to change the oil in the car. I decide when I'll do the wash - it's just that it needs to get done - and if it isn't done when she wants - then she will tell me to do the wash.) But generally I follow her and let her decide. Think of it this way. I have jobs. She has jobs. I'm expected to do my work/chores and I'm expected to help her with hers whenever asked. We also have an understanding that she is the head of our home and given that framework, so much simply falls into place.

    And then, there is mutual trust. She trusts me with how we interact with our children. If there is a question about how I dealt with an issue we discuss it and make necessary changes. And it's not out of my prerogative for me to question something she might have done. The difference being, I don't force change. I might point out something but I only do so once. And again, I trust my wife just as she trusts me.

    But there are limitations. I get an allowance but there are times when I would like to spend more. All I need to do is ask. It may not mean she will agree but she always wants me to ask. As for me being afraid of her viewing me as less of a man .... not a chance :). I am reminded often of how much I'm loved and how much she admires and appreciates me. And I do the same for her.

    As to her feeling overwhelmed with decision making..... sometimes she gets those feelings and when she does, she'll tell me, "I want you to decide". And then I do.

    Hope I've helped you more clearly how we function as a couple. Stop by again.

  3. Well said I'm Hers. A successful FLR (or WLM) is one where the wife has the husbands interests at heart. The "what if's" presented are extreme and would cause issues in any marriage.

  4. That does answer some of the questions and I get it the love and that most good men who love their wives want them to be happy no matter what, but the question always remains how do you know that your partner is correct or right and does blind following of their decisions really lead you as the individual to a better place in life? Will you be a happier partner by following their decisions or will you only be happy for the short term since it suits the dominant partner when they want it to suit them? Also if your wife came to you one early morning and told you that you can no longer drink coffee cause they think it's bad for your health would you just stop drinking coffee then and there cause I would probably just laugh at them and chug the whole pot as they are no health scientist or doctor and don't know what they are really talking about. Also what ifs are not fake things people make up they are genuine concerns and situations that normal couples have to face maybe not everyday but enough that they have real effects.since a wife has a husbands best interest in heart how can she truly make the best decisions for him if she does not have a backing that can reinforce her decision making, is she smarter than him? Better education, better life skills, better at making and saving money, knows more life hacks, do they practice what they preach everyday do they truly lead by example everyday? Probably not and I think I understand that even if the husband is better in more or all aspects of life in society he over loooks all the wife's shortcomings cause he truly loves her and by doing so he can become a happier husband.

  5. NavSteward - The dynamics are complex and not intuitive so I can see why you are questioning this. In fact, I truly did not get it all until I experienced it first hand. I'll do my best to explain it.

    For a FLR to be successful, there has to be mutual trust, respect, and love. That is true for any relationship. If any of those components are missing, then there's a good chance the relationship will not last or it will not be a happy relationship. I would not tell my husband to stop drinking coffee unless I had a good reason for it. If he chugged it and laughed in my face, well then he has no respect for me. That's a problem in any relationship and not a FLR issue.

    As the leader in the relationship I do not assume that I am smarter then him or that I know more than him. My husband is a very intelligent man and leader in his career. I love that about him. My job as the leader is not to be a dictator but to lead the relationship. For most decisions, we talk it through together and I take into account his opinions, needs, and desires. I am the final decision maker. In most cases the decision I make he agrees with. In some cases I will defer to his decision and in some cases I will disagree with him and my decision stands. He accepts that. That's part of what he bought into by submitting to me. This is the strength of a FLR. In an equal marriage when there is disagreement it can easily escalate to an argument with no resolution. In a FLR, there is an ultimate decision maker and so there is no argument once the decision is made.

    Now there are some areas where I set the rules such as chores that he has to do and ways that he must serve me. However, that's part of the power dynamic of a FLR that submissive men desire. In return for his service to me, he gets my attention, authority, and pleasure which he craves. In the end, if something truly made him unhappy, I would not make him do it because why would I want to be married to an unhappy person?

    Hopefully that makes sense. I know there are women out there who would do something like order their man not to drink coffee without any real backing or reason, but those are not the examples to follow and those are the relationships that probably won't last and wouldn't last even in an equal marriage.

    1. Beautifully stated. Thanks for sharing!

  6. And trust me I'm not trying to troll or argue cause why else would I be reading blogs like this if I was not completely interested in this life style, I want my wife to my queen and I want her to make our relationship decisions but there is always a problem though, I want to submit to her and only her cause she is the only one worth submitting to, but I'm not a submissive man I am who i am usually a fighter a striver to be better and always better my self I'm competitive and sometimes I feel very bad that I put so much on my wife even though I have submitted to her and reality still shows me much stronger physically, more educated In school, I have been told by her that I make her feel lazy cause I do all the house chores before she gets a chance to do them, that I do to much yard work before she gets a chance to get out there, I try hard In all ways to make up for some areas she lacks like no matter what I eat her food she cooks, and I can't help but feel bad that I put all this extra unnecessary responsibility on her shoulders that there are things that I just don't need to look to her to do or make decisions on since I have already put a lot of pressure on her, just because I submit to her willingly doesn't mean it's what she wants or needs all the time, and just like you she makes the final decision or at least I allow since I want to submit to her and follow her decision but there are times that her final decision was not the best decision that could have been made and it hurt us and our relationship and didn't allow us to move fast eanough along in our life goals and she was divided on ever making decisions agian cause being the leader has led her to be solely responsible for the failures that came from such decisions and she woundered why I whent along with or didn't stop her from going to far and making sure we didn't get hurt but I was trying to just follow her and let her lead since that is what we agreed upon. If it's trust and respect that comes from the relationship both parties have to beable to speak the truth and know what they are really capable of as an individual, before someone says I will follow you and every decision you make hear is my heart and hopes and dreams and stack it all on their shoulders cause if they can't hold all of that weight and lie saying they can it will only lead to both being hurt.

    And if you Mz Kaylee make the wrong de cision do you own up to it and apologize do you feel bad for making wrong decisions or do you just shrug your shoulders and keep going regardless if you hurt or almost hurt your husbandc

    Do you think age has anything to do with how you handle submitting or someone submitting to you? Can you truly say in your 20's starting out in a male female relationship that you could handle an FLR, or as new father or mother, or trying hard to climb the corporate ladder, buying your first house, does being older have a better chanc e of having a successful FLR is it better for a man to submit much more to his wife later in life after they have gone through so much were maybe the wife just could not truly lead and guide the relationship for the better in the early stages?

    1. Navpress, if I may, I'm going to address your thoughts in a post because I completely understand where it is you are coming from. Give me a week and I'll put something up. I have another post already scheduled to go live in a few days but your issues will be next on my things to do list. Thanks for sharing. I can tell you have lots of questions and feel unsettled in some areas of your marriage. I have been where you are - actually I'm where you are :).

    2. Navpress,

      Now that I'm Hers published his post I wanted to circle back on your questions. I'm Her's did a nice job in his post and I you raised thought provoking questions so I decided to write about it as well. In the next day or two I will have it posted on my blog so please take a look at it. Thank you for inspiring a good discussion.

      After going back and reading all of your comments, I do find myself confused at what your struggle is because you raised many questions but then you seemed to answer them or even contradict yourself in follow-up comments. For example you say you want to submit but then right after that you say you are not submissive. You say you put pressure on her for decisions and there are probably things you don't need to look to her for decisions but then in another comment you admit that she does not make all the decisions and when she feels stressed she lets you make the decisions. t sounds to me like you have a pretty good thing going with your wife and that she adjusts when needed when things get stressed. I am sure you are not purposely contradicting yourself or maybe I am not understanding the point you are making. I do want to provide input that is meaningful. Can you provide just a few sentences that sum up what your key concerns/questions are?

  7. Nav - Thank you for sharing your struggles. I am sure these are struggles that others deal with as well so it is great to talk about them. I am looking forward to 'I'm Her's' next post to address your questions and I will provide a response after his post as I'm sure he will cover many of the things I am thinking about.