Saturday, August 19, 2017

Pondering the Profound

As always, certain comments from various blogs sometimes give me pause to consider their significance for extended periods of time.  Recently I’ve been thinking about the comment made by my blog-friend Katie Christian – the comment I posted a few weeks previous.  I had all but let it go when I happened upon another of my favorite bloggers, Namaste. I believe she is physician of sorts and I find those versed in the health science fields of value because of the analytical way that they often think. 

Namaste, like Katie Christian, restricts ejaculation during intimacy. The former does so for periods longer than the latter but regardless of the time between releases, both women deny their husbands.
I happen to be married to a woman who believes similarly. My release times are few and far between when compared to the number of our times spent in sexual intimacy.  It’s not that my Katie dislikes me ejaculating but rather she finds me to be more compliant and submissive when she withholds my releases. And like KC and Namaste she sees little value in allowing me to do so.

This belief in denial or retention is not foreign to most engaged in some form of a female led relationship. However I have not been a submissive for so long that I cannot remember those first times when we began this practice.  At first I was restricted for just a few days. That span grew to a week, then 10 days, then two weeks and so forth. Before I knew it, Katie had me retaining for periods of three to six months and longer.

My purpose for writing about this topic is to direct my thoughts to those who are relatively new to living in a FLR and wondering about the practice of orgasm denial.  If you are a woman who has recently taken charge of your relationship, or at the very least, your sexual relationship, or if you are a male curious about denial and are still coming to grips with this alternative view on ejaculation frequency, I think it would behoove you to read the following statement and subsequent rationale carefully.  Furthermore I would recommend you read the post on the FLR 101 blog a few times and really think about the underlying rationale behind orgasm denial.  You can find the link on the side bar of this blog.

There are many important topics that one can explore when it comes to living under the loving direction of a dominant woman and I consider denial to be one of the more important ones. I see it important because when a man turns over the frequency of his releases to his wife and takes up the position that sexual intimacy is more about her than him, it indeed has a profound impact on how a man views himself within the marriage. Sex with a desire to provide pleasure rather than receive pleasure tightens the marital bond. It increases intimacy in ways I cannot fully explain but have experienced because I know my role is providing pleasure to Katie rather than expecting to get it (at her expense).  

Namaste (FLR 101 blog) put it this way. She stated, “I would contend that …. if he submits to his wife in this one area (denial), the whole relationship will transcend to a different level.”

I don’t know about you but in that statement I can feel her desire to experience a more loving, caring, passionate relationship with the man she loves. I know that my Katie denies me because she wants only my very best. I know she has no intention to humiliate or deny me just because she can. She does so because my denial enriches (and prolongs) our times of intimacy. Denial has allowed me to become a better lover. Denial has enabled her to enhance her sexual enjoyment while with me. And after she has had enough the impact of my denial only increases. I am left wanting more and as a result I act on that desire by maintaining an affectionate doting attitude between our times spent being close.  I could continue but I'd like you to read again the statement by Katie Christian and her rationale for insisting her husband love her in the ways she expects.

The statement:
"I have no desire to subjugate or humiliate my husband. I do however expect his world to revolve around mine. I am his purpose, nothing less. My happiness is his goal, my satisfaction is his aim. We have gotten to the place that we understand that women were created with the ability to have multiple orgasms. He no longer has orgasms during our times of intimacy. For health reasons, I still allow my husband to discharge, but only in a practical, functional way. He derives his pleasure from giving, and I provide him that opportunity."

The Rationale

I adore my husband. I love nearly everything about him. He is my soulmate, and brings such joy to my life. I cannot imagine life without him. My husband did not initiate this in our relationship. We arrived here mutually, with my guidance.

Normal intercourse just wasn't my thing. It was of course necessary since we wanted children, but since those days are gone it became just another chore I had to do. Don't get me wrong, I love the attention from my husband, I love feeling desirable, I love his pursuing me with his touches and kisses but then I was left with this "mess" that served no purpose at all. On top of that, his apparent desire for me was gone for the next few days or a week. That just didn't seem like how it was supposed to be. 

I got to the place, as likely many of your readers wives are though they haven't spoke up, that I despised his orgasms. It meant that I had a mess to clean up, I was no longer desirable, and he seemed to be in a down, even depressed mood afterward. Somehow, this didn't seem like the way it should end. In the midst of one of our moments of intimacy he sensed something was wrong and so he asked. I held nothing back. I had no desire to hurt him. I just wanted what was best for both of us. So I blurted it all out. Why are we doing this? We don't want any more children so why are you dumping seed in me? I have been created with the ability to have multiple orgasms, why do I get, maybe one? Why do I then have to wait up to a week for another? I could have 3 today and 2 more tomorrow if you found me desirable every day. 

He tried to tell me I was desirable to him. I responded that if he orgasms he would not pursue me again for days or more. He would touch me less, his kisses would lose their "heat", he wouldn't look at me that way that makes me get all warm inside. He said that the problem wasn't me but that after a man orgasms he loses the drive for sex for a few days. And as I have gotten older the number of days have become more. I let his words hang in the air for impact before I looked him in the eyes and gently asked a question I already had the answer to. If we spend time together in intimacy and you didn't orgasm we could play longer and maybe even again tomorrow? I swear to you, he looked like a 5 year old boy who was just caught with his hand in the cookie jar!

I continued, then why are you having an orgasm? His answer was because it felt good. I reminded him about how he often felt afterwards, like it was some kind of let down. Wouldn't it feel better, more exciting to have participated in me having a number of orgasms, let me help you "step back from the cliff" so to speak, and we could play again tomorrow? And so it began . . .

And to further your thinking, here is another quote from Namaste’s most recent post.

The biggest thing for my husband was changing the perception of his ejaculation as a "given" in intercourse to ejaculation being optional.  My perception also changed about this as well.  I know this isn't practical, but in an ideal world, I think men should only ejaculate when trying to conceive a child, and the rest of the time during the relationship, he should be retaining in order to foster maximum emotional intimacy in the relationship.  My husband certainly doesn't do this, but still his perception of his ejaculation has gone from (1) it's totally up to him whenever and wherever to (2) "I want to ejaculate to (3) I need to discuss this with her."  And we'll have a meeting and dicuss it. to (4) it's up to me to decide if it's the most prudent thing for him or not.  Ejaculation is not a frivolous thing for him as it is for most males.  That's a huge change for him and it has a ripple effect to other aspects of his psyche.

Enjoy your week

I’m Hers

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Spreading the word

At work today I encountered a late 20’s colleague who recently married.  “Hi Mike,” I asked. “How is married life?” I was aware he married at some point earlier this summer.

It was such a simple question but one in which he responded with an answer that was far from simple. It began with the deep audible exhalation that had a ‘whew’ sound to it. He followed that emotional release with, “it’s been an adjustment.” 

I grinned. There were two other women in the office area and I noticed one immediately suppress a similar grin.  Of course the ever inquisitive me couldn’t resist and I pressed on with something to the effect of ‘what’s the problem?”

He talked about how tough it’s been to all of a sudden live with another person and expressed some of the difficulty he’s been having in working through their differences.  Room temperature, who’s going to watch what on TV, sleep habits, the predictable toilet seat battle, and more. 

“Michael, I’m going to give you a piece of advice from an old guy,” I said after letting him vent. “There is such truth to that old adage a happy wife means a happy life. Just let things go. They are not that important. Really they aren't. Why can’t you enjoy watching what she watches?”

"I know," he answered solemnly. He listened and one woman nodded but then added added "it works both ways".  I said nothing more until we left the office area together. Once we did and had some privacy I looked him in the eye and spoke.

“You know I was married once for over 20 years but ended up in a divorce.” He didn’t know that and I knew it. “I remarried and am happier than I’ve ever been. But do you know what? When I separated I spent a lot of time thinking over why things went bad with my marriage and what I did to help make it fail. One thing that kept coming to mind was my controlling nature. I wanted to control the money. I wanted to watch what I wanted on TV, go where I wanted to go and I constantly questioned my wife’s decisions.”

Michael listened. I had his ear. “But when I remarried I made a choice to let go. Michael I am so happy and we are so happy. We don’t butt heads. We don’t argue. I gave her the remote one day and told her, ‘this is yours’. Of course I told her I’d love to watch football on Sunday but if she wants to go out and do something on a Sunday afternoon then that's what we do. And I don’t pout. I’ll hear what the score was later and I can read all about it for all of the following week.”

“And as to the toilet seat, I make sure it’s down when I’m done.” (I didn’t tell him I usually sit).

“You know,” he said with feeling, “she woke me up at 2:30 in the morning because I left the seat up.”

I grinned and told him that her waking him wasn't all because he left the seat up. I mean it was but then again, it wasn’t. It was about him not considering her needs above his own. Just put it down when you're done, I suggested. I challenged him by asking why the default position for a toilet seat needs to be in the up position. Why can’t it be down?

Again, Michael listened and I’m sure we will have follow up discussions in the weeks ahead.  At no time did I speak of obedience, submission, or power exchange. I kept it simple and straight forward and yet I remained honest and open with him.  It was easy for me to see there is a power struggle going on in their home. Each is trying to establish and mark their territory. Each hopes the other will yield to the other. What I wanted Michael to hear was another option. I wanted him to consider that rather than fighting for what he felt he deserved that a better alternative might be letting his new bride have her way. Isn't that what love in action looks like - putting others first?

At one point I told him about one of my children and their spouse. This boy who married into the family keeps the thermostat at a temp that makes it uncomfortable for his wife (my daughter) and always has the TV on a sports channel even when there is no one in the room to watch it. He watches sports all the time. I know she doesn’t like his TV habits and doesn’t appreciate him changing the temp all the time. 

“Michael, I’ve been debating if I should insert my thoughts into my kids marriage by telling her husband that he’s being selfish and thinking of himself first. He has no leg to stand on. He is being selfish. He is putting himself first. It’s obvious that he is. Can’t you see that?”

Again, Michael, somewhat wide-eyed and attentive, nodded. “He’s putting a damn sports game ahead of his wife (who by the way is gorgeous) and he’s doing the same thing with the temperature. It’s all about him and she doesn't like it and I think he's making bad choices that will eventually hurt their marriage."

I hope Mike thinks about our short talk. I hope he reconsiders his options. I hope he starts putting the desires of his wife ahead of his own.  I hope you do the same with yours.

I’m Hers

Saturday, August 5, 2017

A Woman's View of Submission

Some weeks ago I was reading another blog. In the comment section I found a short statement on what this particular wife expected of her husband.  Now I specifically did not use the words mistress or submissive but it is my belief there is clearly a dominant and submissive/secondary partner in this marital bond. Here is what she wrote (with me doing some minor edits)

"I have no desire to subjugate or humiliate my husband. I do however expect his world to revolve around mine. I am his purpose, nothing less. My happiness is his goal, my satisfaction is his aim. We have gotten to the place that we understand that women were created with the ability to have multiple orgasms. He no longer has orgasms during our times of intimacy. For health reasons, I still allow my husband to discharge, but only in a practical, functional way. He derives his pleasure from giving, and I provide him that opportunity. "

Upon reading that paragraph, one word and one emotion kept resonating in me: 'wow!'

So many blogs discuss dominance and submission from a 'you do this for me and I'll do that for you' mindset.  I'm sure the majority of submissive men enter into D/s relationships with the expectation they will be getting something from their dominate partner. Its my opinion that very few men agree to submit unilaterally.  My guess is it has much to do with their woman being new to the idea of being dominant. It's difficult to break the stereotypical mold of how grandmom and even Mother viewed and cared for their husbands.

But regardless of how we felt back then (or if you are considering popping the 'I want to submit to you' question to the woman you love), consider the above statement. What can we glean from it?

First, she makes it clear she wants to respect her husband. She has no interest in turning him into anything less of the man whom she fell in love with. Second, and now we get to the nitty-gritty, she makes the direct statement that her marriage is a one way road. She expects him to do what is needed to satisfy her. "I expect his world to revolve around me. I am his purpose, nothing less. My happiness is his goal; my satisfaction is his aim."

Pretty powerful words. Very powerful words.  What she never stated was the two-way aspect of their relationship. Now that doesn't mean it isn't there. It doesn't mean she doesn't satisfy his need to feel loved and accepted and appreciated but it sure appears her reciprocation comes secondary to his efforts to satisfy her. 

Isn't this an ideal definition of what it means to truly submit? I have been thinking about her comment for weeks now. I found her thought so succinct and well stated. There's no fluff. She goes straight to the heart of what it is she expects from her husband - service. She addresses their sexual relationship but there was really no need. Having a man who is dedicated to put her priorities first at all times includes what goes on in the bedroom, what happens during their Saturday and Sundays together, how they interact when with friends, vacations, menu, house chores, social outings, etc., etc.  

Rather than go on and on I'd rather hear your thoughts. How would you feel if your wife made the above statement to you? How would you feel if the one rule your wife gave you on no uncertain terms was "I expect you to put me first and make me your number one priority in everything you do." What if you countered with something to the effect of 'sure I will but....." and she cut you off right there? What if she told you that as her submissive it's not about what I do for you but rather you finding unprecedented joy by serving me?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I'm Hers