Thursday, August 10, 2017

Spreading the word

At work today I encountered a late 20’s colleague who recently married.  “Hi Mike,” I asked. “How is married life?” I was aware he married at some point earlier this summer.

It was such a simple question but one in which he responded with an answer that was far from simple. It began with the deep audible exhalation that had a ‘whew’ sound to it. He followed that emotional release with, “it’s been an adjustment.” 

I grinned. There were two other women in the office area and I noticed one immediately suppress a similar grin.  Of course the ever inquisitive me couldn’t resist and I pressed on with something to the effect of ‘what’s the problem?”

He talked about how tough it’s been to all of a sudden live with another person and expressed some of the difficulty he’s been having in working through their differences.  Room temperature, who’s going to watch what on TV, sleep habits, the predictable toilet seat battle, and more. 

“Michael, I’m going to give you a piece of advice from an old guy,” I said after letting him vent. “There is such truth to that old adage a happy wife means a happy life. Just let things go. They are not that important. Really they aren't. Why can’t you enjoy watching what she watches?”

"I know," he answered solemnly. He listened and one woman nodded but then added added "it works both ways".  I said nothing more until we left the office area together. Once we did and had some privacy I looked him in the eye and spoke.

“You know I was married once for over 20 years but ended up in a divorce.” He didn’t know that and I knew it. “I remarried and am happier than I’ve ever been. But do you know what? When I separated I spent a lot of time thinking over why things went bad with my marriage and what I did to help make it fail. One thing that kept coming to mind was my controlling nature. I wanted to control the money. I wanted to watch what I wanted on TV, go where I wanted to go and I constantly questioned my wife’s decisions.”

Michael listened. I had his ear. “But when I remarried I made a choice to let go. Michael I am so happy and we are so happy. We don’t butt heads. We don’t argue. I gave her the remote one day and told her, ‘this is yours’. Of course I told her I’d love to watch football on Sunday but if she wants to go out and do something on a Sunday afternoon then that's what we do. And I don’t pout. I’ll hear what the score was later and I can read all about it for all of the following week.”

“And as to the toilet seat, I make sure it’s down when I’m done.” (I didn’t tell him I usually sit).

“You know,” he said with feeling, “she woke me up at 2:30 in the morning because I left the seat up.”

I grinned and told him that her waking him wasn't all because he left the seat up. I mean it was but then again, it wasn’t. It was about him not considering her needs above his own. Just put it down when you're done, I suggested. I challenged him by asking why the default position for a toilet seat needs to be in the up position. Why can’t it be down?

Again, Michael listened and I’m sure we will have follow up discussions in the weeks ahead.  At no time did I speak of obedience, submission, or power exchange. I kept it simple and straight forward and yet I remained honest and open with him.  It was easy for me to see there is a power struggle going on in their home. Each is trying to establish and mark their territory. Each hopes the other will yield to the other. What I wanted Michael to hear was another option. I wanted him to consider that rather than fighting for what he felt he deserved that a better alternative might be letting his new bride have her way. Isn't that what love in action looks like - putting others first?

At one point I told him about one of my children and their spouse. This boy who married into the family keeps the thermostat at a temp that makes it uncomfortable for his wife (my daughter) and always has the TV on a sports channel even when there is no one in the room to watch it. He watches sports all the time. I know she doesn’t like his TV habits and doesn’t appreciate him changing the temp all the time. 

“Michael, I’ve been debating if I should insert my thoughts into my kids marriage by telling her husband that he’s being selfish and thinking of himself first. He has no leg to stand on. He is being selfish. He is putting himself first. It’s obvious that he is. Can’t you see that?”

Again, Michael, somewhat wide-eyed and attentive, nodded. “He’s putting a damn sports game ahead of his wife (who by the way is gorgeous) and he’s doing the same thing with the temperature. It’s all about him and she doesn't like it and I think he's making bad choices that will eventually hurt their marriage."

I hope Mike thinks about our short talk. I hope he reconsiders his options. I hope he starts putting the desires of his wife ahead of his own.  I hope you do the same with yours.

I’m Hers


  1. I always considered myself to be a good, considerate husband.
    When I discovered the concept of FLR after nearly 30 years of marriage I considered myself lucky to have made it that long without a FLR. I only regret that I didn't learn about it many years ago, so many years wasted!

    1. Mr Bill, you are preaching to the choir. I too wish I had found that same way of living when I was younger. I wonder if I would have approached life the same way as I do now. I really don't know. Thanks for commenting!

  2. Wonderfully written and darn wise words for any type of relationship!

    1. Thanks Anonymous. PS: Sign off with some 'name' so I can get to know you. "xyz'.... 'bloggerman'...... what ever you want. It really doesn't matter.

  3. I agree with anonymous those are wise words coming from a wise man.And I also agree with MRBill as I wish we had started our FLR years ago.It will be 6 years this Friday . RR

  4. Very wise advice. I hope he listens to it. When I think about some of the things my wife and I fought about 20 years ago, I have to laugh that some of them seemed so important at the time.

  5. Dan,
    I think we were all young and stupid to some degree back when we were younger. I'm sure this guy is just following in the path of his father. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Have a great week!

  6. I too, learned this late in life IH. But, we know that late is far better than never and it shows that old dogs can learn new tricks.
    This story of which you posted, hits a spot with me and I'm sure you understand being a Christian guy. When we find a better way of living, of loving, of improving our lives, we owe it to teach others. And, it is a fact that improving ones marriage, improves ones life many fold, as much or more than anything else.
    This idea or concept of placing our wives ahead of self is something I teach and talk about regularly. I teach an adult Sunday school class and this theme fits in with and is hit upon in most of my classes. It can be such an important part of understanding the sacrificial love of Christ, being able in our slight way to sacrifice a little of self for the pleasure of our wives. Truly placing someone else ahead of self.
    Keep up the good work, my friend. We can change hearts, one heart at a time.

    1. DLsKnight, "better late than never," is so true. In the end, all we will remember is the later choices in life and how they've impacted our values, lifestyle and choices. So many view D/s as a kink and I guess in some ways it can be but at the heart of all D/s is a life of giving on the part of the submissive. What greater gift can we give than ourselves and our efforts to the one we hold so dear? Always enjoy your thoughts. Keep'em coming.

  7. I've been on the path about three months now, thanks to your blog and others, I'm Hers. Thanks so much for doing this. Married once for a year and this time for nine before I figured this out (still figuring it out, but feel like I'm well on the way).

    I've made every mistake in the book in getting to this point, but fortunately She has been patient in waiting for me to figure it out. I'm now 100% focused on her.

    Finally confirmed last week. She was giving me all sorts of signals. For instance, she now waits for me to open and close the car door for her. She just looks at me expectantly if I don't hop to it. But I had this one nagging doubt - I'd tried saying "Yes, ma'am!" once and she immediately responded "Don't call me that!". She was a bit drunk at the time, so I tried again a few weeks later, with the same result. I was a little confused given all the other verbal and non-verbal cues that she was liking things. A third time, it slipped out by accident and she responded again the same way, a little annoyed. I worked up the courage to ask why, when she was so happy to be dominant about all these other things, she didn't want me to say that? Her response was "I'm not a Ma'am! That's my mother."

    Then she paused for a moment, grinned deviously, and said "You shall call me 'My Beloved Oppressor!'".

    I think this is a done deal!

    1. HO, I think this is the first time you've commented. Hope it won't be the last. You know as I was reading through your comment I thought. "Just refer to her in the way she wants." And know, I guess you will ..... "My beloved oppressor". Ha! Sounds like an ominous name to be married to :).

      Down south, lots of folk address women as Ma'am and Katie is one who doesn't mind that term. I've been informed to not refer to her as Mistress in public and so I don't. That's a term I use only when with her and alone. But most times, she's just Katie.

      Final thought on your comment.... isn't it interesting that in just three months of living this way, you already have expressed a bit of fear toward your wife.... your comment, "I worked up the courage to ask why" expresses so much in the way your mind has already gone. It's good to have a healthy fear of your wife. It cultivates obedience and a desire to serve - to please - and so much more. Enjoy living as her submissive and I hope that she enjoys the fruits of your labor even more. Thanks again for sharing.

    2. Hi IH. Yes, my first time commenting. I think my fear was that she was going to view the whole thing as a kink, as per your reply to DLsKnight above. My initial forays didn't help at all. What I'm coming to realize though is that from her perspective, we've been living in a FLR since we met 11 years ago. Her surprise at some of my recent reactions hasn't been lack of interest as I initially feared, but more "Oh, you just figured that out?"

      When I started reading about FLR and the non-'kink' side of D/s and realizing how much I identified with it, I also started to realize that she has made all the important decisions, she runs ours finances entirely, and so on. It was just me who wasn't getting it or pulling my weight. So that 'fear' (awe, respect) has been building for a while, I've just figured out I should stop fighting it! Your advice to your co-worker was golden. Don't fight her! Respect her, nourish her, cherish her, obey her. But start slow with the basics.

      When I did start pulling my weight, at first she was quite suspicious (I went too far too quick), but now I can feel her getting into it and it's like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I float around, doing chores I previously fought to avoid, in a near euphoric state.

      I'm certain I will enjoy and I look forward to learning more from you and her. My only regret is that I was too wilfully stubborn to recognize what I already had earlier.

  8. I'm Hers
    If the occasion came up to offer general suggestions to a young husband I would without revealing anything about flr aspects of my own marriage. But I do have a feeling that one of our friends might have at least a suspicion that my wife is in charge. It came from a telephone conversation I had with her. We had discussed getting together at some point with her and her husband and at the end she said something like "great, see what your wife wants to do." The lady made a similar comment once before, though I did not think anything about it the first time. My wife hasn't revealed anything to anyone, but unless I am wrong the woman might have picked up on it.

    1. FL, I think most (if not all) men who've been living as we do have friends who either are certain or suspicious of who wears the pants. I can't even count how many times I've told others, "that's up to Katie" or "you're asking the wrong person"..... all of which pretty much reveals the essence of how we live. And ..... I don't see anything wrong with letting them know my wife calls the shots. Thanks for sharing!

  9. I'm Hers
    I'm not really concerned if friends knew my wife calls the shots, but I would not be comfortable with them knowing some of the more personal or intimate details. I say this primarily because most would not understand.