Monday, September 11, 2017
Overcoming feelings of guilt and the need to do things for him
Hello IH... I've been following your blog for a while now and I know you've had some emotional ups and downs. I'm wondering if Katie regularly practices tease and denial when you're locked up to keep you interested or if you've just learned with experience to accept her moods as law. As a busy woman/wife/mom, I find it difficult to find the energy to tease him some days, and at the same time I always carry so much guilt over not teasing as he seems to go into a depression. It’s confusing and I find the balance hard...
Rather than answering this comment on the post of which it was posted, I decided to use it as a blog topic. I find this comment to be a significant one and wanted to give it more attention than a short one paragraph answer.
The short answer to this comment is Katie doesn’t usually tease me while I’m being denied. Like this woman noted, I too went through some ups and downs but those had nothing to do with whether or not I was teased. I wanted her active involvement in our WLM. I didn’t want to be her honey-do man and feel like I was living in a vanilla marriage. I didn’t want to be just a guy who did what I was told. I wanted to be reminded I was married to a mistress. I wanted to see her dominant side. I didn’t want her always asking me questions. I wanted her taking charge and reminding me of who I was to her and have her feel free to reveal who she knew she was to me. I wanted to be owned and reminded of such.
But what does a woman to do when she feels guilty about doing or not doing something? How should she handle this kind of situation? Ultimately the answer to this question, regardless of the relationship, comes back to communication. The two of them need to talk and share honestly and openly with one another. But the two of them need to discuss issues with the understanding that ‘she’ is the one who will eventually decide, and ‘he’ will eventually agree to abide by her decision.
At the heart of a WLM, FLR, or an “I want to submit to you sweetheart” relationship, is the power dynamic shift. And at the heart of that power shift is the understanding that the woman will gain freedom while the man agrees to give up freedoms and take orders from her. He’s expected to be a compliant, obedient husband. So in the comment above, the thought that went through my mind as I read was: why should he be expected to be teased at all? I mean, think about it. Isn’t he HER submissive? And because he is, doesn’t that mean it is his role to please and serve her? Why is he expecting something from her? That’s what dominants do. They expect. Submissives don’t expect. They give. They follow. They do. Why is she feeling the pressure to do things for him? Why is she feeling guilt for not ‘doing’ something for him? Shouldn’t this be the other way around? Shouldn’t he be concerned about doing more for her?
I see this man as one who needs to better understand that stimulating his little boy will be her major focus. It might be. But then again, it may not. It all depends on what she decides and if she sees a need to do this – or wants to do this. I have read many blogs in which the WLM has an “I’ll do this for you” if “you do this for me” expectation. I don’t find that relationship to be a WLM at all. I view those relationships as ‘play’ FLR/WLMs and not real-life ones. In a real WLM the man knows his role in life is serving her. In a real WLM she expects service and knows that service should come without the expectation of returning it with a ‘treat’.
But should the woman do things for her husband? I believe the answer to that varies individually. Just as I believe it’s my responsibility is to keep Katie happy and content, it is her responsibility to make sure I do to the best of my ability. If she sees me slacking off or becoming more moody, I would hope she’d want to consider why my behavior is changing. Why is he suddenly acting this way? I’d think the thought: ‘somethings going on with him’ should come to her mind and if it does she should address the issue. That’s what dominants do. They stay on top of their submissives. They maintain control.
Maybe all that’s needed is for her to sit me down and flesh out the issue. “I don’t care what you want to share, I want the truth and I want all of the truth. Now start talking.” Maybe she needs to consider whether or not she has changed. Has she stopped giving him the attention he needs? Has life gotten so busy that his submission has taken a back seat to all that is going on in her world at the moment? Maybe all that is needed is for her to express her dominance more overtly. Maybe she needs to fill his sexual tank (by serving her, of course). Whatever she decides, at the heart of it all is her doing enough to reinforce her dominance and his submission and remind him he is loved (both as her husband AND as her submissive).
I will say this about my own life: I don’t get all that I want – ever. Even though I wish she would do/permit/allow more, when those feelings of ‘loss’ come, I step back and realize what I do have. I have a woman that loves me. I have a woman that knows she is in charge. I have a woman that does things her way. I believe if this woman can see those traits in herself she will move to a deeper level of understanding regarding what it means to be in charge. Bosses won’t please everyone. It just doesn’t happen in life. My second suggestion is this: I guarantee that if she assumes greater control of his life (meaning she demands more, pushes harder, expects more, stops asking questions and makes her desires made known in clear direct statements) he will forget all about his want to have her stimulate him. Stimulation is a mind-thing. Yet we men are sexually oriented but submission is a state of mind. Deal with his mind and he will be yours forever.
I wish I could have a conversation with this woman. (and my email is: firstname.lastname@example.org should you wish to write). I wish I had the chance to understand her situation more clearly. I wish I knew how long she’s been the dominant person in the relationship. Too many unknowns. If this is a newer relationship, his response makes more sense. I say that because I believe it takes time for men to learn what it really means to be a submissive. Too many men ‘expect’ something in return for being submissive. I disagree. They shouldn’t expect anything. They should always know they are loved and appreciated but they shouldn't expect. Should she choose give him something that stimulates his submissive mind, he should view her gift as a treat and not as something he will get every time he repeats that task. That mentality promotes the desire for him to manipulate her for his benefit. Submissives don’t do that. What he should expect is her uncompromising, unwavering love and understanding that as a dominant woman she will take her of him as she sees fit.
I don't believe this woman shouldn’t feel as if she needs to tease when she doesn’t have the time (or desire). That is her prerogative as the mistress. And it’s his duty to accept whatever she chooses. Of course if she wants to fill his submissive tank, she can tease in lots of ways. They may or may not involve touching. Speaking certain words, sending well worded texts, engaging him in a short conversation when the day starts to set the proper tone, etc. I’m sure she already knows what some of his ‘submissive triggers’ are and can use them to remind (and stimulate) him with little effort.
I recently read about a husband who was becoming moody. His wife had him put his collar on and that act brought about a behavioral change. How much effort did that take? Now I’m sure she said some things that flipped all the right switches in his submissive mind when she snapped that collar on, but my point is, she did something that was easy for her and brought about the change he needed.
What I believe may not be what you do. If you feel differently, chime in. Share your point of view. I encourage you to express your thoughts. How would you answer this woman’s question and help her overcome these feelings of guilt?