Saturday, October 28, 2017
Below is guest post #2 from my dear friend Katie Christian. Enjoy.
When it comes to relationships that are female-led, there is no one size fits all. Certainly, there is room for alternative ways of thinking. From what I gather reading other blogs, many if not most FLR are designed for the wife to have sex at her choosing with the husband being restricted from asking for it.
Sex is always of my choosing but the way we go about meeting my desires is different. I want to be pursued and cannot imagine having a relationship with my husband that requires I always be the initiator. I like being pursued, I always have. It is one of the many things I require of my husband. As a woman, being pursued by a man does something for me. To know that that man desires me, wants me, to the point of risking rejection, just to have my attention, however fleeting it may be.It still happens in public even though I am clearly married and though I have no intention of ever following through, I still like the attention.
In our relationship, my hubby understands that I will be pursued. And I require that he pursue me. Everyday. It doesn't have to be long and involved but he must approach me each and every day to inquire if I might be open to being pleasured. I love the thought that he approaches me, while being caged, to see if I might want some pleasure today. Certainly, more times than not he faces certain rejection, but his love for me compels him to try and so try he does. That touches me. I wake every day knowing at some time today he will seek my affections and I have full right to reject his efforts. And yet tomorrow, he will try again. His efforts to seduce me, to convince me to be pleasured, knowing that my pleasure is his reward warms my heart. Ok, and other places too! Each time is different and I enjoy planning what my response is going to be.
Sometimes his efforts are brief. He approaches me and I know by the look in his eyes what he is wanting. His kisses are met with pursed lips and no response. He may begin to kiss my neck, which usually is a sure thing only to be brushed aside with this statement. "men who have time to play are men who need more chores". I then assign him something that needs doing and walk away.
Other times I will let his efforts go forward and respond mildly to his kisses and touches before softly saying thank you but not today. Or, thank you but I personally took care of the matter myself earlier today before backing up to look in his eyes. Looking into his eyes at a time like that with a faint smile on my face is a moment for us. He has never said so, but I can tell it does something for him.
Then there are days when I allow him to seduce me as far as me getting naked and into bed before directing him to provide me a back rub. Or I may lay on my back and have him kiss me while my fingers work their magic. There is something about the passion of kissing a man whose male member is in a cage and he is fully aware that it is not coming off. He has sworn to never masturbate again and he is tasked with helping me do that very thing. To have him swallow the cries of my orgasm while he is prohibited from having one. Knowing he pursued me for the privilege of doing just that.Or I may engage the use of his fingers. Or tongue. Or face. Or even his cage. When I am feeling particularly randy I have had him take his pants off and I mount him and rub myself on his cage. If I can get it just right it feels so good. When that "moment" comes I like to lift myself up on my arms and stare into his eyes so we can enjoy it together. I think I may have scared him recently when I got myself close to orgasm on his cage before crawling up his chest to whisper in his ear that the timing of his next breath will be determined by how effective his tongue is and then straddling his face and settling down.Good thing for him I had timed it just right and had already started to come as I dragged my femininity across his chin.
My sweet hubby lays aside his ego, risks almost certain rejection, all for the sake of pursuing me. Is it any wonder why I feel so very good about myself?
Sunday, October 22, 2017
When we first started this venture so many years ago there were more times than not when Katie would say something to the effect of, “Do you want to ……..?” My response would often be, “So, was that a question?”
Our banter was all in fun but the point to my response was to remind her that she’s the one who is in charge and I’m the one who should be obeying - not deciding. As time went on her questions became less frequent and were replaced by statements. I think we were both happier with the result.
I started thinking about the way she phrased her sentences that pertained to telling me what she wanted about a month ago. I notice she she started telling me what to do in short clipped sentences and the change from the usual was obvious. I didn’t know why the change but I sure did enjoy it. “Pick that up.” “Come here.” “Look at this.” “Make me breakfast.” “Rub my back.” “Go make me coffee.” For about a week she was on a roll and I was loving life.
I found it interesting how my life as her submissive became both more fun and so much easier when she started a sentence with a verb. Go, come, pick, fix, make, do, clean, get, etc. ….. All those little verbs simplified my life and they also reinforced her dominance.
Personally I’d much rather hear, “Make me breakfast,” than have to interpret, “I think I’m getting a little hungry.” The former is so easy to obey. All I need to do is find out what she wants to eat. The latter leaves things hanging. I’m not sure if she’s thinking out loud. I don’t quite know if she wants me to get something ready now or within the hour. I have to ask to figure things out. The “I think I’m getting hungry” comment is akin to “do you want to fix me breakfast?” question. It is both not very directive and it is not at all empowering for her.
I’m all about female empowerment. I want my daughters to be treated like royalty. I don’t want my dad giving my mom a hard time. I want my female co-workers respected. I want Katie to feel like the queen she is. In order for that to happen women need to have a take-charge attitude. Words are powerful tools that can help make that respect happen. The more open-ended a statement is; the more often a statement is expressed as a question, the less likely there is for women to get the empowerment they rightly deserve.
Friday, October 6, 2017
Many years ago I taught at the college/university level. Students I taught had as their objective, not only graduating but also passing a national exam which provided them with the required professional credential necessary for employment in their field of study. I made it a practice on every first class to review the course syllabus and explain what I expected of them and what they could expect from me.
When I got to discussing the nature of the course exams I always stated, “I don’t want you to get an A on my exam.” That always got their attention. I went on to explain my definitions of a ‘C’ (average) a ‘B’ (better than most) and an ‘A’ (you know everything). I personalized those definitions to make my point. “So if you get a B that means you are doing better than most people sitting here. Not everyone can do better than most, can they?”
I loved giving them a dose of reality but in truth I wanted them to think beyond the immediate. I didn’t want them to come into class thinking they were going to get an A or a B without mastering the material. I wanted them to work. I didn’t want them to just do well enough to pass my exam, I wanted them to really understand the content and concepts. I wanted them to recall four-years of information in order to pass their professional exam when it was time to take it. That was the goal. The class they took from me was only a small part of the total picture.
And so I pushed them. If you’d ask them now, they’d tell you my classes were challenging. Well good. They needed to be challenged. They needed to be pushed. I encountered many a tear, and many a ‘I can’t do this’. Every now and again someone would drop the course but the vast majority pressed on. They made the choice to do what I asked. They made the choice to work hard and those that did, received the A’s and B’s they earned. Sometimes I watched them struggle. For as much as my heart went out to them in their struggle to succeed, I knew I had to keep pushing them to do better, be more precise, and come to see the’ why’ beyond the ‘what’ they were doing.
What I learned over the years were several things. If I took an interest in them and let them know I cared, they responded positively. If I didn’t settle for mediocrity neither would they. If I set the standard for the grade they sought high, they went after it.
I tell you that story because so many parallels exist between teaching students and leading a submissive. Dominant women who don’t require much from their submissives will get exactly that – not much out of them. Dominant women who only have their submissives do things for them every now and again will end up with a man whose mind might remain on them but more often than not will wander elsewhere. Dominant women who feel guilty when having to render consequences for misbehavior, forgetfulness, or poor effort will reap what they sow. They will have a husband who knows he can get away with things if he wants.
In many ways my Katie fits the bill of an easy teacher. Yes, I have agreed to submit and yes she has told me I have to do chores X, Y and Z. However, I can’t tell you the last time those chores were critiqued. I can’t tell you the last time she has added more to my list. I can’t tell you the last time she’s made me repeat a chore because it wasn’t done properly. In many ways Katie has allowed me to submit – somewhat on my own terms – if that makes sense. She has allowed me to do things when I want, rather than when she wants.
But here is the problem with that way of thinking and leading. If a mistress expects little, she will get little. If she requires more, she will get more. If she requires much, she will get much. What complicates matters when it comes to relationships of all kind is the human element. He has feelings as do you. You having him do more might initially feel awkward. Him having to do more might frustrate him (as in, ‘aren’t I doing enough already?’). But remember, he wants to serve you. As his mistress you have every right to demand is everything. Think about that. His everything. His all. If he is your submissive, and you are his dominant, don’t you have a right to demand his life revolve around you?
While writing this post, Katie just sent me a text. It was a copy of a check from me having worked on the side. I commented it was me earning my keep. She responded, “this is your mistress’ money”. She wants all of my finances. She views it as hers. She gets quite a bit every two weeks. I get $20. That is being demanding. But I have learned to live within her parameters. Some may see the little I get as being wrong and selfish and inconsiderate but I believe Katie sees this as one way to keep me dependent on her. I have to rely on her financially, and for us, this has worked well.
I’m going to see a ‘boy doctor’ soon. Katie asked how I am going to answer him should he ask how often I ejaculate. “I’m going to tell him the truth,” I answered. “So you’re going to tell him you only cum around major holidays?” Was her reply. We both chuckled but I understood the implied words of her answer. She controls my orgasms. I don’t. I don’t have releases very often yet we have sex lots. Those times are for her pleasure. She is the focus. We become close when she wants and that period of closeness comes to an end when she has had enough. It’s not for me to decide when and for how long (although I’m always open to the possibility :). Some would view this as her being selfish and in some ways it is. But I understand my role is to provide and she understands her freedoms. My body is there for hers to enjoy, on her time schedule and frequency. We have a one-way relationship when it comes to being intimate – but we both love things as they are.
Asserting control can be a powerful tool to control your man’s mind. I am of the belief that men are mountain climbers. We are goal oriented and once we’ve reached ‘that goal’, we tend to move on. Unfortunately conquering our wives can be one of those mountains we climb. Once we get her, it’s easy to move on, especially when the marriage is getting on in years and the honeymoon feelings have long passed.
But in a FLR, the wife can keep her man from ever reaching the point where he thinks about moving on. She can keep his attention on her. By doing so, she can keep her marriage alive and rich and rewarding. She can keep his thoughts and actions on her and she can reap the benefits of the gifts he has to offer. She can have her dream marriage.
But in order to maintain him where he needs to be, may necessitate her not always being nice. Sometimes she needs to assert her authority, express her frustrations, be critical in how he is performing, and so on. She must maintain control when his dominant side rears its head. She can’t be a push over. She can’t give him power. She can’t allow him to think he can call the shots. To do so is to walk fatally close to a line that will weaken her FLR/WLM.
So how does she avoid that error? She assumes the role of the demanding teacher. She evaluates what he currently does. She considers the freedoms she has given him. She considers if she should add to his list. She evaluates whether or not he can do more on her behalf. She approaches her assessment of him from the perspective of: he is here to please me. What more would I like him to do for me.
I know personally that when Katie pushes me. When she insists I do more. When she tells me to do things on her time-table, I rise to the occasion. It’s in my nature to obey and please. However, I also know I can be lazy when left to my own. That’s when I need her. That’s when I need her supervision and assertive nature. That’s called supervising and training your submissive. That’s teaching me to become more disciplined. Becoming more ‘her focused’ won’t happen without her supervision and insistence. But if it’s important I do more for her and less for me, she can make those changes take place. It’s all up to her.
Too many wives feel guilty when it comes to taking control of their husband in a FLR. Yet women want more than anything to be seen by their husband as the best woman he’s ever met. They want to be loved, cherished, adored, appreciated, feel secure and valued and know he sees her as beautiful both inside and out.
And the truth is ….. all that is there for her taking. It really is. It’s right there, but it’s up to her to take what is hers. Wives control their own fate. Why a woman who is married to a confessed submissive, refuses to demand more out of him but instead settles for less, I’ll never understand. Why mistresses don’t insist their husbands give their all, I’ll never fathom.
Submissive men WANT to be controlled. Ladies, YOUR control IS HIS LOVE LANGUAGE. I can’t impress the magnitude of that truth enough. Your level of control and involvement in his life is what feeds his desire to love you as his dominant. It’s what draws him close and keeps him close. Your sometimes heavy-hand and critical attitude, is what keeps his eyes and thoughts from wandering elsewhere. You, the dominant, control that. The ball is in your court. Why you don’t want to keep him right there – riveted to you in every way, I’ll never get. - and you can have it all. You can have all he has to give for so little effort.
In speaking for myself I can tell you: submission is my love language. Having Katie require more rather than less, having her be more critical of what she asks is what I want. I don’t ever interpret her dominant attitude as anything other than her expressing what is rightfully hers to express. It’s what I want. I want to see her dominance and confidence. I find her strength enticingly sexy. I love feeling her control and when I see it I view her as the most incredible woman ever. Her authority is an expression of her love for me.
But when she chooses to cater to my wants or allow me to relax while she works; when she demands less rather than more; when she refuses to remind me my life revolves around her happiness; when she puts up with my mood swings; when she doesn’t engage me in dominant/submissive conversations; when she makes sacrifices to suit me, rather than having me make sacrifices to suit her - she limits to some degree – the intensity of my love for her.
She, in effect, reduces the degree to which I impulsively want to adore, respect, and admire her. It’s not that I ever stop loving her but there is a loss in the intensity of that love when I don’t feel her dominance. I need her ‘mistressing’. I need that daily reminder that I’m hers, that I am here to serve her. When Katie expresses her dominance I change. I don’t understand all the reasons for it but I know I do. When Katie becomes truly dominant:
I become more affectionate
I become more adoring
I think about my wife more frequently when we are apart
I complement her more often
I am more open and expressive of my feelings
I am more prone to do more rather than less
I want to serve and I ache to be near her
I view her as the most wonderful person ever
All of that just happens. It just does. She gets all of that simply by exerting control. She gets all of that when she takes a little time out of her day to make sure I’m serving, working and focusing on her. She gets all of that when she states in no uncertain terms, my role in life is serving her and nothing less. She gets all of that when she takes time for the two of us to discuss our WLM openly. And of course, if she plays around and uses her sexiness to her advantage, she can get all of that and a whole lot more.
Love to hear your thoughts.