Friday, October 6, 2017

When Being Nice, Isn’t Nice

Many years ago I taught at the college/university level. Students I taught had as their objective, not only graduating but also passing a national exam which provided them with the required professional credential necessary for employment in their field of study. I made it a practice on every first class to review the course syllabus and explain what I expected of them and what they could expect from me.

When I got to discussing the nature of the course exams I always stated, “I don’t want you to get an A on my exam.” That always got their attention. I went on to explain my definitions of a ‘C’ (average) a ‘B’ (better than most) and an ‘A’ (you know everything).  I personalized those definitions to make my point. “So if you get a B that means you are doing better than most people sitting here. Not everyone can do better than most, can they?”

I loved giving them a dose of reality but in truth I wanted them to think beyond the immediate. I didn’t want them to come into class thinking they were going to get an A or a B without mastering the material. I wanted them to work. I didn’t want them to just do well enough to pass my exam, I wanted them to really understand the content and concepts. I wanted them to recall four-years of information in order to pass their professional exam when it was time to take it. That was the goal. The class they took from me was only a small part of the total picture.

And so I pushed them. If you’d ask them now, they’d tell you my classes were challenging. Well good. They needed to be challenged. They needed to be pushed. I encountered many a tear, and many a ‘I can’t do this’. Every now and again someone would drop the course but the vast majority pressed on. They made the choice to do what I asked. They made the choice to work hard and those that did, received the A’s and B’s they earned. Sometimes I watched them struggle. For as much as my heart went out to them in their struggle to succeed, I knew I had to keep pushing them to do better, be more precise, and come to see the’ why’ beyond the ‘what’ they were doing.

What I learned over the years were several things. If I took an interest in them and let them know I cared, they responded positively.  If I didn’t settle for mediocrity neither would they. If I set the standard for the grade they sought high, they went after it.

I tell you that story because so many parallels exist between teaching students and leading a submissive.  Dominant women who don’t require much from their submissives will get exactly that – not much out of them.  Dominant women who only have their submissives do things for them every now and again will end up with a man whose mind might remain on them but more often than not will wander elsewhere.  Dominant women who feel guilty when having to render consequences for misbehavior, forgetfulness, or poor effort will reap what they sow. They will have a husband who knows he can get away with things if he wants.

In many ways my Katie fits the bill of an easy teacher.  Yes, I have agreed to submit and yes she has told me I have to do chores X, Y and Z. However, I can’t tell you the last time those chores were critiqued. I can’t tell you the last time she has added more to my list. I can’t tell you the last time she’s made me repeat a chore because it wasn’t done properly.  In many ways Katie has allowed me to submit – somewhat on my own terms – if that makes sense.  She has allowed me to do things when I want, rather than when she wants. 

But here is the problem with that way of thinking and leading. If a mistress expects little, she will get little.  If she requires more, she will get more. If she requires much, she will get much. What complicates matters when it comes to relationships of all kind is the human element. He has feelings as do you.  You having him do more might initially feel awkward. Him having to do more might frustrate him (as in, ‘aren’t I doing enough already?’). But remember, he wants to serve you. As his mistress you have every right to demand is everything.  Think about that. His everything. His all. If he is your submissive, and you are his dominant, don’t you have a right to demand his life revolve around you?

While writing this post, Katie just sent me a text. It was a copy of a check from me having worked on the side. I commented it was me earning my keep. She responded, “this is your mistress’ money”.  She wants all of my finances. She views it as hers. She gets quite a bit every two weeks. I get $20.  That is being demanding.  But I have learned to live within her parameters. Some may see the little I get as being wrong and selfish and inconsiderate but I believe Katie sees this as one way to keep me dependent on her. I have to rely on her financially, and for us, this has worked well.

I’m going to see a ‘boy doctor’ soon. Katie asked how I am going to answer him should he ask how often I ejaculate. “I’m going to tell him the truth,” I answered. “So you’re going to tell him you only cum around major holidays?” Was her reply.  We both chuckled but I understood the implied words of her answer. She controls my orgasms. I don’t. I don’t have releases very often yet we have sex lots.  Those times are for her pleasure. She is the focus. We become close when she wants and that period of closeness comes to an end when she has had enough. It’s not for me to decide when and for how long (although I’m always open to the possibility :). Some would view this as her being selfish and in some ways it is. But I understand my role is to provide and she understands her freedoms. My body is there for hers to enjoy, on her time schedule and frequency. We have a one-way relationship when it comes to being intimate – but we both love things as they are.

Asserting control can be a powerful tool to control your man’s mind.  I am of the belief that men are mountain climbers. We are goal oriented and once we’ve reached ‘that goal’, we tend to move on.  Unfortunately conquering our wives can be one of those mountains we climb. Once we get her, it’s easy to move on, especially when the marriage is getting on in years and the honeymoon feelings have long passed. 

But in a FLR, the wife can keep her man from ever reaching the point where he thinks about moving on. She can keep his attention on her. By doing so, she can keep her marriage alive and rich and rewarding. She can keep his thoughts and actions on her and she can reap the benefits of the gifts he has to offer. She can have her dream marriage.

But in order to maintain him where he needs to be, may necessitate her not always being nice.  Sometimes she needs to assert her authority, express her frustrations, be critical in how he is performing, and so on. She must maintain control when his dominant side rears its head. She can’t be a push over. She can’t give him power. She can’t allow him to think he can call the shots.  To do so is to walk fatally close to a line that will weaken her FLR/WLM.

So how does she avoid that error? She assumes the role of the demanding teacher. She evaluates what he currently does. She considers the freedoms she has given him. She considers if she should add to his list. She evaluates whether or not he can do more on her behalf. She approaches her assessment of him from the perspective of: he is here to please me. What more would I like him to do for me.

I know personally that when Katie pushes me. When she insists I do more. When she tells me to do things on her time-table, I rise to the occasion. It’s in my nature to obey and please. However, I also know I can be lazy when left to my own. That’s when I need her. That’s when I need her supervision and assertive nature. That’s called supervising and training your submissive. That’s teaching me to become more disciplined. Becoming more ‘her focused’ won’t happen without her supervision and insistence. But if it’s important I do more for her and less for me, she can make those changes take place. It’s all up to her.

Too many wives feel guilty when it comes to taking control of their husband in a FLR.  Yet women want more than anything to be seen by their husband as the best woman he’s ever met. They want to be loved, cherished, adored, appreciated, feel secure and valued and know he sees her as beautiful both inside and out.

And the truth is ….. all that is there for her taking. It really is. It’s right there, but it’s up to her to take what is hers. Wives control their own fate. Why a woman who is married to a confessed submissive, refuses to demand more out of him but instead settles for less, I’ll never understand.  Why mistresses don’t insist their husbands give their all, I’ll never fathom.

Submissive men WANT to be controlled.  Ladies, YOUR control IS HIS LOVE LANGUAGE. I can’t impress the magnitude of that truth enough. Your level of control and involvement in his life is what feeds his desire to love you as his dominant. It’s what draws him close and keeps him close. Your sometimes heavy-hand and critical attitude, is what keeps his eyes and thoughts from wandering elsewhere. You, the dominant, control that. The ball is in your court. Why you don’t want to keep him right there – riveted to you in every way, I’ll never get. - and you can have it all. You can have all he has to give for so little effort.

In speaking for myself I can tell you: submission is my love language. Having Katie require more rather than less, having her be more critical of what she asks is what I want. I don’t ever interpret her dominant attitude as anything other than her expressing what is rightfully hers to express. It’s what I want. I want to see her dominance and confidence. I find her strength enticingly sexy. I love feeling her control and when I see it I view her as the most incredible woman ever. Her authority is an expression of her love for me.

But when she chooses to cater to my wants or allow me to relax while she works; when she demands less rather than more; when she refuses to remind me my life revolves around her happiness; when she puts up with my mood swings; when she doesn’t engage me in dominant/submissive conversations; when she makes sacrifices to suit me, rather than having me make sacrifices to suit her - she limits to some degree – the intensity of my love for her.

She, in effect, reduces the degree to which I impulsively want to adore, respect, and admire her. It’s not that I ever stop loving her but there is a loss in the intensity of that love when I don’t feel her dominance. I need her ‘mistressing’. I need that daily reminder that I’m hers, that I am here to serve her. When Katie expresses her dominance I change. I don’t understand all the reasons for it but I know I do. When Katie becomes truly dominant:

I become more affectionate

I become more adoring

I think about my wife more frequently when we are apart

I complement her more often

I am more open and expressive of my feelings

I am more prone to do more rather than less

I want to serve and I ache to be near her

I view her as the most wonderful person ever

All of that just happens. It just does. She gets all of that simply by exerting control. She gets all of that when she takes a little time out of her day to make sure I’m serving, working and focusing on her. She gets all of that when she states in no uncertain terms, my role in life is serving her and nothing less. She gets all of that when she takes time for the two of us to discuss our WLM openly.  And of course, if she plays around and uses her sexiness to her advantage, she can get all of that and a whole lot more.

Love to hear your thoughts.

I’m Hers


  1. I’m Hers
    I also feel more affectionate, cooperative, and even more submissive when my wife acts more dominant. Sometimes our relationship cruises along almost as if we are equals and then suddenly my wife will be dominant in some way.

    You said that you have a doctor appointment coming up and would mention you do not release often of asked. All has been fine with me in exams and I’ve never been asked. But there is a part of me that often wants to fess up to my doctor that my my release rate is pretty low, especially over the course of this last year. I suspect I would have to explain a bit more about being a submissive if I got into the conversation. Id also need to discuss how and what I would say with my wife. Have you considered such a conversation? There is a significant part of me that would not mind if he knew as he is a professional.

    1. FL, I feel the same way about talking to the doc. I mean, what's he going to say...... that having sex multiple times/week without a release is unhealthy? I don't think so :) He'd probably be thinking, "now I need to figure out how to get my wife to agree to that same thing :)"

    2. I’m Hers
      In this day and age a doctor might already have a submissive patient under his or her care that gets a low number of releases lol. One might find their doctor is not surprised at all. But talking to my doctor may be on my agenda next time if I can find the courage. If I’m going to be very active sexually, but I’m only going to get a few releases a year, then maybe my doctor needs to be aware of it for to look for potential health issues.

  2. IH: You've been blogging about this theme for a while. This time I think you really nailed it. Thanks. You expressed the feelings and sentiments of many submissive men. I shared your post with my wife (we've been in a wife led marriage for about 4 years - she responded "He's right that we women sometimes feel guilty when you work so hard for us. I have to remember that it is what you want and require."

    Would you mind sharing some of the duties that your Mistress Katie requires of you?

    Thanks again,

    1. Glad your wife could identify and hope she gets better insight into how you think and what your love language is.

      As to my chores..... She doesn't do anything in the kitchen - nothing. That room is mine as is everything associated with it - all cooking, cleaning, meal planning, etc.

      She doesn't do anything associated with clothes - I wash, dry, hang, put away.... (correction - she irons - I don't).

      Cars: taking care of them is my job.

      Bedroom/bathroom: its my job to keep them clean, organized, etc. Every day I lay out a towel, washcloth and panties so it's ready when she when she showers next.

      Vacuuming - I do some, she does some. It all depends. But we do lots together too - saturday is our 'run errands together day'.

      Massages: I give her back rubs, foot rubs, body rubs...... she wants them all the time. She loves to be touched non-sexually.

      Fetching: Get me a glass of wine, Go get the mail, etc. I do a lot of fetching for all types of miscellaneous reasons.

      Calendar: I am aresponsible for keeping her calendar/planner. "My next hair apt is..." "We're going to X on Friday, put that on your calendar". "Remind me to pay this bill on the last day of the month".

      What I don't do: - I don't touch the remote - almost never, which means I watch what she wants 95% of the time. I don't ask for sex - although I 'love her up lots'. I don't whine, complain, repeatedly ask for something. All that to say, there's a fair amount that I don't do which is akin to me doing things for her.

      What about you?

    2. I’m Hers
      So nice to know what you generally do in the way of chores. My wife prefers that as far as ironing goes I only iron certain heavier articles of clothing like pants and slacks. Many items today are permanent press anyhow. For certain chores my wife unlocks me to avoid potential injuries that could happen from falls. Something involving a ladder is an example. Although I always lock up when I’m finished.

  3. The list of required chores my wife has given to me is not as extensive of yours... but it will be growing I think after sharing your blog with her. Here's my list.

    Kitchen - this was the first one. She never liked doing dishes so she assigned that chore to me. This has evolved to her expecting the kitchen to be completely clean (dishes, counters, floors, etc) by the time she wakes up each morning. I get up a couple hours earlier than her to get this done.

    Fetching - Newspapers -- I fetch her morning newspaper and lay it at her seat at the head of the dining room table. Wine, snacks, etc.

    Coffee is ready for her each morning.

    Although my Mistress is a great cook, she has assigned that to me. I am responsible for all meals when I am home. I am a novice here but I am learning. The few times she wants to cook I act as her assistant.

    Bathrooms. Daily wipe down counters, floors, and mirrors. Clean toilets at least twice a week.

    Bedroom. Make the bed daily. Keep room tidy. Pick up clothes she tends to drop to the floor and either hang or fold them.

    Keep cars gassed.

    Daily foot massages.

    She has control over the remote and although I often make suggestions for going out for the evening, she has the ultimate decision. She chooses when we attend church services.

    She decides when I am permitted to orgasm - usually it's once a month. Also, I am cannot have an orgasm unless she has her own first. (I love what Katie Christian had to say about this on your blog last week). All this results in my continuous desire for her.

    Like you my wife doesn't supervise/critique my work as much as I would like. She doesn't care for my occasional moodiness, snarky remarks, or general disrespect. She (we) have come to find that corner time generally is a good antidote for that. She has found that an hour or more in the corner with my hands behind my back, naked, and not speaking will usually cure me of these problems. (I used to wish for this as a punishment, but I can tell you that staring at a corner of a room for 60+ minutes is not fun and gives me plenty of time to reflect on my behavior). I also think my wife is getting more accustomed to corporal punishment (spanking) but is cautious about it and worried about injuring me.

    It sounds crazy that guys like us wish for and crave this sort of life. Like you I don't know why and hid it for years. But I can also tell you that since I opened up to her about my submissiveness I have never been happier. I am pretty sure that she would say the same.

    1. Vic, I like you list. Thanks for sharing. As to the 'not supervising as much as you wish', give it time. I've found Katie to evolve as time passed and she is continuing to do so. It's all about their comfort level (and style) when it comes to leading. Thanks for sharing!

  4. I'm Hers, I read and re-read this post. In a way it left me somewhat saddened.
    I can so relate to what your wife is going through and the struggle she is having. Been there, done that, and still find myself sliding towards those feelings. I had to be very intentional to break free from it. I suggest you continue to show her understanding.

    I actually watched a documentary about greyhound racing. Though I may not agree with the sport I did find it intriguing that they never allowed the dogs to catch the "rabbit"

    This helped me greatly.
    Once I got passed the guilt pangs I found it actually rather fun and flirty to be more demanding than hubby can measure up to. He will work very very hard at something and it usually only takes me a few moments to give him my summary of his efforts which usually involve some shortcoming, even if it is made up. When he cooks, I thank him then offer a small suggestion. He cleans and I always find a little something wrong. This has inspired him to do more and better for me than I ever imagined he would or could.
    I had to quit thinking about how I would feel if he did the same to me and started to trust that he wanted me to stretch him and so I did.
    His efforts to cook, clean, shop, or even sexually pleasure me are much appreciated but often fall just short of perfect.(wink wink) So I let him know. If I include a small punishment for the shortcoming, then all the better.
    Keep up the great work on your blog!

    1. It’s always great to hear your thoughts Katie! Thanks for sharing
      What chores do you have your husband do for you?
      Would you describe some of the everyday interactions you have?
      I love when my wife leaves her dirty laundry and bath towels for me to pick up.
      Also when she cooks and leaves a huge mess for me to clean up while she watches Netflix

      Thank you

  5. Dear I'm hers, I love your description of your discussion with your wife about doctor visits. I recently saw my urologist who always has his patients fill out a survey about their sexual activity (frequency of orgasms, intercourse, etc.). He does this to check on whether advancing age has compromised sexual performance (usually it does to a certain extent-and I'm in my early 60's, so this has happened to me somewhat). Anyway, I was discussing this issue with my doctor with my wife in the room (she comes with me to these visits) and I told the doctor that even though we didn't have intercourse as often as we did years ago, we still have a VERY satisfying sex life. My wife and I had a laugh about this afterward, wondering if the doctor realized that our sex life now (which is wonderful) is almost totally centered around me performing oral sex on my wife. I have always love going down on her--I was born to lick her pussy, after all! My doctor is a good guy and I'm sure he's no prude. So I was very proud to admit to him that after all these years, my sexual focus remains pleasing my wife and making sure that she orgasms EVERY TIME, whether I do or not. My climaxing really doesn't matter to me. My only thought and desire is that my Queen and Goddess receives pleasure and sexual fulfillment. To me, that's what sex is all about. PS, LOVE your blog!

    1. I’m actually going to talk to my doctor at my next upcoming physical. It’s probably better to fess up. Besides, I recently shaved my head (not related to being submissive) because I was really beginning to get bald on the top and back of my head and I will explain that to him if he asks. My wife did not want me to use any hair restoration products because of potential issues and side effects. My wife thinks it looks great. She joked that I’m chaste and bald now but says I look younger. Maybe being submissive has effected me at both ends.

  6. It would be so nice to have a wife who controlled. Mine is just uninterested. I am jealous.

  7. After I got past the background part I kept thinking."I could have written that." I feel very similar. Sometimes I wonder how much I could do as things no seem to drag out but when I look back over the year there has been tremendous improvements to our home.
    Thanks for sharing.
    Her Wish