Friday, October 6, 2017
When Being Nice, Isn’t Nice
Many years ago I taught at the college/university level. Students I taught had as their objective, not only graduating but also passing a national exam which provided them with the required professional credential necessary for employment in their field of study. I made it a practice on every first class to review the course syllabus and explain what I expected of them and what they could expect from me.
When I got to discussing the nature of the course exams I always stated, “I don’t want you to get an A on my exam.” That always got their attention. I went on to explain my definitions of a ‘C’ (average) a ‘B’ (better than most) and an ‘A’ (you know everything). I personalized those definitions to make my point. “So if you get a B that means you are doing better than most people sitting here. Not everyone can do better than most, can they?”
I loved giving them a dose of reality but in truth I wanted them to think beyond the immediate. I didn’t want them to come into class thinking they were going to get an A or a B without mastering the material. I wanted them to work. I didn’t want them to just do well enough to pass my exam, I wanted them to really understand the content and concepts. I wanted them to recall four-years of information in order to pass their professional exam when it was time to take it. That was the goal. The class they took from me was only a small part of the total picture.
And so I pushed them. If you’d ask them now, they’d tell you my classes were challenging. Well good. They needed to be challenged. They needed to be pushed. I encountered many a tear, and many a ‘I can’t do this’. Every now and again someone would drop the course but the vast majority pressed on. They made the choice to do what I asked. They made the choice to work hard and those that did, received the A’s and B’s they earned. Sometimes I watched them struggle. For as much as my heart went out to them in their struggle to succeed, I knew I had to keep pushing them to do better, be more precise, and come to see the’ why’ beyond the ‘what’ they were doing.
What I learned over the years were several things. If I took an interest in them and let them know I cared, they responded positively. If I didn’t settle for mediocrity neither would they. If I set the standard for the grade they sought high, they went after it.
I tell you that story because so many parallels exist between teaching students and leading a submissive. Dominant women who don’t require much from their submissives will get exactly that – not much out of them. Dominant women who only have their submissives do things for them every now and again will end up with a man whose mind might remain on them but more often than not will wander elsewhere. Dominant women who feel guilty when having to render consequences for misbehavior, forgetfulness, or poor effort will reap what they sow. They will have a husband who knows he can get away with things if he wants.
In many ways my Katie fits the bill of an easy teacher. Yes, I have agreed to submit and yes she has told me I have to do chores X, Y and Z. However, I can’t tell you the last time those chores were critiqued. I can’t tell you the last time she has added more to my list. I can’t tell you the last time she’s made me repeat a chore because it wasn’t done properly. In many ways Katie has allowed me to submit – somewhat on my own terms – if that makes sense. She has allowed me to do things when I want, rather than when she wants.
But here is the problem with that way of thinking and leading. If a mistress expects little, she will get little. If she requires more, she will get more. If she requires much, she will get much. What complicates matters when it comes to relationships of all kind is the human element. He has feelings as do you. You having him do more might initially feel awkward. Him having to do more might frustrate him (as in, ‘aren’t I doing enough already?’). But remember, he wants to serve you. As his mistress you have every right to demand is everything. Think about that. His everything. His all. If he is your submissive, and you are his dominant, don’t you have a right to demand his life revolve around you?
While writing this post, Katie just sent me a text. It was a copy of a check from me having worked on the side. I commented it was me earning my keep. She responded, “this is your mistress’ money”. She wants all of my finances. She views it as hers. She gets quite a bit every two weeks. I get $20. That is being demanding. But I have learned to live within her parameters. Some may see the little I get as being wrong and selfish and inconsiderate but I believe Katie sees this as one way to keep me dependent on her. I have to rely on her financially, and for us, this has worked well.
I’m going to see a ‘boy doctor’ soon. Katie asked how I am going to answer him should he ask how often I ejaculate. “I’m going to tell him the truth,” I answered. “So you’re going to tell him you only cum around major holidays?” Was her reply. We both chuckled but I understood the implied words of her answer. She controls my orgasms. I don’t. I don’t have releases very often yet we have sex lots. Those times are for her pleasure. She is the focus. We become close when she wants and that period of closeness comes to an end when she has had enough. It’s not for me to decide when and for how long (although I’m always open to the possibility :). Some would view this as her being selfish and in some ways it is. But I understand my role is to provide and she understands her freedoms. My body is there for hers to enjoy, on her time schedule and frequency. We have a one-way relationship when it comes to being intimate – but we both love things as they are.
Asserting control can be a powerful tool to control your man’s mind. I am of the belief that men are mountain climbers. We are goal oriented and once we’ve reached ‘that goal’, we tend to move on. Unfortunately conquering our wives can be one of those mountains we climb. Once we get her, it’s easy to move on, especially when the marriage is getting on in years and the honeymoon feelings have long passed.
But in a FLR, the wife can keep her man from ever reaching the point where he thinks about moving on. She can keep his attention on her. By doing so, she can keep her marriage alive and rich and rewarding. She can keep his thoughts and actions on her and she can reap the benefits of the gifts he has to offer. She can have her dream marriage.
But in order to maintain him where he needs to be, may necessitate her not always being nice. Sometimes she needs to assert her authority, express her frustrations, be critical in how he is performing, and so on. She must maintain control when his dominant side rears its head. She can’t be a push over. She can’t give him power. She can’t allow him to think he can call the shots. To do so is to walk fatally close to a line that will weaken her FLR/WLM.
So how does she avoid that error? She assumes the role of the demanding teacher. She evaluates what he currently does. She considers the freedoms she has given him. She considers if she should add to his list. She evaluates whether or not he can do more on her behalf. She approaches her assessment of him from the perspective of: he is here to please me. What more would I like him to do for me.
I know personally that when Katie pushes me. When she insists I do more. When she tells me to do things on her time-table, I rise to the occasion. It’s in my nature to obey and please. However, I also know I can be lazy when left to my own. That’s when I need her. That’s when I need her supervision and assertive nature. That’s called supervising and training your submissive. That’s teaching me to become more disciplined. Becoming more ‘her focused’ won’t happen without her supervision and insistence. But if it’s important I do more for her and less for me, she can make those changes take place. It’s all up to her.
Too many wives feel guilty when it comes to taking control of their husband in a FLR. Yet women want more than anything to be seen by their husband as the best woman he’s ever met. They want to be loved, cherished, adored, appreciated, feel secure and valued and know he sees her as beautiful both inside and out.
And the truth is ….. all that is there for her taking. It really is. It’s right there, but it’s up to her to take what is hers. Wives control their own fate. Why a woman who is married to a confessed submissive, refuses to demand more out of him but instead settles for less, I’ll never understand. Why mistresses don’t insist their husbands give their all, I’ll never fathom.
Submissive men WANT to be controlled. Ladies, YOUR control IS HIS LOVE LANGUAGE. I can’t impress the magnitude of that truth enough. Your level of control and involvement in his life is what feeds his desire to love you as his dominant. It’s what draws him close and keeps him close. Your sometimes heavy-hand and critical attitude, is what keeps his eyes and thoughts from wandering elsewhere. You, the dominant, control that. The ball is in your court. Why you don’t want to keep him right there – riveted to you in every way, I’ll never get. - and you can have it all. You can have all he has to give for so little effort.
In speaking for myself I can tell you: submission is my love language. Having Katie require more rather than less, having her be more critical of what she asks is what I want. I don’t ever interpret her dominant attitude as anything other than her expressing what is rightfully hers to express. It’s what I want. I want to see her dominance and confidence. I find her strength enticingly sexy. I love feeling her control and when I see it I view her as the most incredible woman ever. Her authority is an expression of her love for me.
But when she chooses to cater to my wants or allow me to relax while she works; when she demands less rather than more; when she refuses to remind me my life revolves around her happiness; when she puts up with my mood swings; when she doesn’t engage me in dominant/submissive conversations; when she makes sacrifices to suit me, rather than having me make sacrifices to suit her - she limits to some degree – the intensity of my love for her.
She, in effect, reduces the degree to which I impulsively want to adore, respect, and admire her. It’s not that I ever stop loving her but there is a loss in the intensity of that love when I don’t feel her dominance. I need her ‘mistressing’. I need that daily reminder that I’m hers, that I am here to serve her. When Katie expresses her dominance I change. I don’t understand all the reasons for it but I know I do. When Katie becomes truly dominant:
I become more affectionate
I become more adoring
I think about my wife more frequently when we are apart
I complement her more often
I am more open and expressive of my feelings
I am more prone to do more rather than less
I want to serve and I ache to be near her
I view her as the most wonderful person ever
All of that just happens. It just does. She gets all of that simply by exerting control. She gets all of that when she takes a little time out of her day to make sure I’m serving, working and focusing on her. She gets all of that when she states in no uncertain terms, my role in life is serving her and nothing less. She gets all of that when she takes time for the two of us to discuss our WLM openly. And of course, if she plays around and uses her sexiness to her advantage, she can get all of that and a whole lot more.
Love to hear your thoughts.