Saturday, November 11, 2017
This is Deeper Than Only Loving
“I’m Yours,” I said to my wife one morning not so long ago.
“I know,” she responded.
“Yes, but do you understand that me being yours is an even greater commitment than only loving you? I mean, I love you but being yours is more.”
We spent some time talking about what it meant for someone (me) to give themselves to another within the context of a submissive giving himself to his dominant partner.
My intention here isn’t to condemn traditional marriage unions. I’m not. But I do believe that it means one thing when you tell your spouse you love them and another when you tell them from the vantage point of a submissive that you belong to her. Here’s why.
Steve can be married to Sandra and live in a ‘vanilla’ marriage. Sandra wants Steve to go Christmas shopping with her and so she asks. She asks with the understanding that he might say yes but then again, he might not want to go. In a FLR if Katie tells me she wants me to go shopping with her I go. I stop what I’m doing and I go.
Steve has a choice. He has the choice to put his wife’s wants ahead of his or choose to put his wants ahead of hers. I don’t have that choice. I have agreed to always put my wife’s wants ahead of mine. The difference is significant.
Sandra got upset at Steve because he left their two teenage children alone in the house for two hours. Rather than stay at home as they agreed, he went to the bar to watch the last half of a football game and have a drink with his friend. Sandra and Steve had agreed that he would stay at home while she was out. Steve promised to stay while their kids and the neighbor kids played video games in the basement. But because Steve’s buddy from work called, he changed his mind. As a result, Sandra and Steve got into an argument and things got heated. Hurtful things were said by Sandra and Steve and it took until the following day for Steve to admit he was wrong and apologize.
If I was in Steve’s position, I wouldn’t have even considered leaving the house. If my buddy called and encouraged me to join him, I’d have told him, “I need to check with my wife,” and if I ever went that far Katie would have answered by saying, “why are you even calling? I told you you are to stay home and watch the kids.” But I’d already know her answer and so I wouldn’t have called. In fact, I’d have told my buddy I wasn’t available. As a result, Katie and I wouldn’t have gotten into an argument and hurtful works wouldn’t have been spoken in anger.
Again, I’m not condemning the way Steve and Sandra live. They might be two people who deeply care for one another. Many married couples do. They love their spouse and they want nothing more than to make him/her happy. They love sharing their lives together.
However, arguments happen. Self-interests sometimes are put ahead of spouses. In my marriage, that doesn’t ever happen. Katie is always put first. As a result, we don’t argue. We really don’t. I’ve never gotten into a verbal war of words with her – ever. Instead, I do what she tells me. If I disagree I voice my thoughts but
I understand her word is final. Period. As a result, we don’t bicker.
I have willingly given decision-making power to my wife because I trust her (and she in turn has often given it back to me by saying, “I want you to make the decision on this.”). I live by the principle of doing what she wants but I know without question, she has me do the chores I have because she knows that by me serving, it allows me to express how much I love her.
Yes, there have been times when I’ve gotten sad and done things with less than my best effort. Those times (see blog posts off and on during 2017 for examples) came as a result from Katie NOT being overly dominant and NOT because she was less than dominant. For me, I thrive living under her dominant spirit. I love being married to a confident secure woman. I love knowing she can trust me. I love thinking she trusts me. I love knowing she isn’t afraid of me snapping at her the way Steve might have done with Sandra. I love knowing Katie has the freedom to be who she is and express herself without reservation of me responding negatively.
It is a beautiful thing to see a woman live this way. She isn’t hen-pecked. She has never been ridiculed by her husband. She doesn’t live with a history of being put down or told she isn’t good enough or isn’t pretty enough or doesn’t do things well enough. She doesn’t live knowing her husband doesn’t approve of her the way he did when they were first married.
My sacrifice, and the sacrifice of others like me who have willingly submitted to their spouse, demonstrate love for their dominant partner in a manner that is deeper than the Steve’s of the world. It’s not that Steve doesn’t express love but his love is more limited. Steve doesn’t live selflessly. He sometimes does but at other times he only considers himself. Submissive husbands don’t have that choice – nor do they want that choice. They live within a context of considering what needs, wants and desires their partner has ahead of their own. They find joy in giving themselves to her. They find it highly appealing – even arousing – to serve their wife in a way that makes her feel truly special.
It is for this reason that I don’t control our finances, handle the TV remote, tell her to cook me a meal, wash my clothes or massage my back. Instead I trust her to handle our money responsibly and she shares with me what decisions she’s made in that regard. She doesn’t keep our finances a secret. I let her decide what to watch on TV and I’ve come to enjoy watching what she finds interesting. However Katie knows I love football and she will sometimes plan a Sunday afternoon so I can watch a particular game. However, if we have an event she wants to attend, then the ballgame becomes secondary. I attend the event with her in lieu of staying home and glued to the tube for three hours. I do without. Because she doesn’t like to cook or do wash, I do it. I know that every meal I make is a gift I can give to her. And I know she loves me waiting on her. She loves to be touched and when she tells me to rub her back or give her a massage I do so willingly. I find pleasure in giving and I find her body highly arousing.
Are there times when I’m tired and don’t want to perform a task? Of course there are, and if I were Steve I might tell Sandra, I’m not cooking dinner, you cook it, or I’ll do this job tomorrow. But I don’t go there. Instead I push through those lulls of life and do what I’ve agreed to do and what she asks of me. And for us, it works.
To Wayne: This is but one golden nugget that can be found within a loving dominant/submissive lifestyle that I hope you can someday come to understand. For you, let me put it this way: if you were ever in love, think back to that time when you gave her that engagement ring. Think back to when you were planning on marrying this woman of your dreams. At that time in your life that woman lived life to her fullest. You saw her very best. She loved you in a way that was different than she did five years later because you hadn’t hurt her spirit. You hadn’t let her down. You hadn’t left her out of the loop on things; you hadn’t done things she didn’t approve. At that time in your life she trusted you. Because she saw only your very best she’d do anything for you and you’d do anything for her. You welcomed each day and couldn’t wait to spend it with her. You didn’t argue; you didn’t fight; you often let her decide where she wanted to eat or where she wanted to spend an evening with you - just because you knew it made her smile. Well this is how a submissive man lives when married to a dominant wife and because he puts his wife’s needs ahead of his own, and because he hasn’t caused her unnecessary pain via words or deeds, his wife lives with a fullness that is akin to that time when she was engaged. It is a beautiful thing, but it takes a strong, secure man to go there. It takes a man who is willing to let go of some things in order to get a whole lot more in return.