Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Christmas Gifts that Remind

I'd thought I'd go light today. It's Christmas. It's the time for giving (and getting).  I don't know about how things function in your home but in ours, I always seem to get gifts that remind me of my status as Her submissive!  And I must confess..... I love it when I do.  


I'm sure I'm not the only one who is the recipient of such gifts. There must be hundreds like me who receive (and give) so I thought I'd do a sort of Show and Tell post.  

What gifts did you give/receive that served as reminders of your dominance or submission?  I'd love to hear and I know others would as well.

For me..... I was given a lovely drying rack, something I'll use weekly to dry sweaters, tops, etc.  Another gift was a package of nipple clamps.... oops.... I mean bag clamps to keep cereal, crackers, etc fresh. My third gift was a lovely 1" thick block that's about 4" square. On one side it states, "she who must be obeyed" and on the other.... "You can call me Queen".  I was told the block was to be put on our bathroom sink so I could see it every day. And that's where it now sits.  Lastly, I was given several pair of pouch underwear.  As an aside, these are so comfortable for those who live most of their lives in chastity. The built-in pouch accommodates everything comfortably and I have enjoyed discovering this find. Mine are made in Japan and if you choose to order, buy one size larger since apparently the Japanese 'package' (and waist) is a size smaller than the American version. :)  

Merry Christmas.

I'm Hers

Friday, December 22, 2017

The Frustration Equation from a Woman's Angle

In the previous post I spoke of the ‘frustration equation’ (Expectation – Observation = Frustration) from a submissive’s perspective. My recommendation was for submissive men to reduce their level of expectation and simply do what their mistress tells them – to go with the flow – to be that supportive husband they vowed to be. After all, isn’t obedience the hallmark of what it means to be submissive?

What I neglected to discuss is how this equation applies to the dominant female? 

When I think of most heterosexual relationships I believe I can make the generalized statement that it is the husband, far more commonly than the wife, who is lacking (when compared to her) in his level of emotional maturity, discipline, devotion and relational commitment. Isn't it men who are the ones most addicted to porn? Isn't it mostly men who want to spend time with their buddies rather than spending time at home with their kids and spouse? Isn't it the guys who are more likely to spend time alone flipping channels or remaining glued to their laptop or cell phone while the house is a buzz with activity? Isn't it men who are less likely to feel the need for social, emotional and relational intimacy and instead converse about 'things' (sports, weather, cars and work, etc.)? In all cases (and again I am generalizing) I believe its men, far more than woman who are at fault when it comes to maintaining a healthy spousal relationship.

With this premise, I believe that female frustration has mostly to do with her man not living up to the standards she came to expect.  In order to balance ‘her’ equation and thus eliminate her frustration it's not her who needs to change. Rather it's her who needs to raise the standards she expects of him. What better way than within a FLR?

They say that 97% of all men masturbate and the 3% who claim they don’t are lying.  That statement always causes me to smile but it’s probably quite accurate. Men are sexually oriented. Our brains are often found between our legs. Sex is also our point of vulnerability. Media uses sexuality to sell. Women use it to get what they want. And dominant women use it to maintain control of their husbands. It's why so many men living in a FLR are locked or expected to live without masturbating.  

Men are sexually driven creatures and releasing on a frequent, if not continual basis, is a powerful driving force. But frequent ejaculation also serves as a powerful reducer of emotional dependency. Once the mountain has been summited, the desire to keep climbing temporarily ceases and male involvement with his wife diminishes.  I’m sure there are hundreds of men who read this blog who will confess their wives lock them for this very reason. Not only does it ensure fidelity, it encourages dependency. Eliminating voluntary ejaculation may not be the only reason men are locked but I’m sure it's at, or near the top of most wives’ ‘I better not catch you doing this’ list.  When viewing this in light of the frustration equation, keeping a husband chaste except for when she wants him, makes it easier for her to control his behavior.

The same principle can be applied to helping around the house.  For decades, if not centuries, it has been the woman who has taken care of the home. But the tide is turning and in the homes of women who maintain control of their husband, this tradition has significantly changed. Owned men are now expected to take a greater role in domestic responsibilities. Additionally, men now are more actively involved in family matters and child-rearing. With him now engaged in her home, her observation of his involvement becomes more closely aligned with her expectations. Frustration levels plummet when these changes occurs.

Examples can be made in the areas of him becoming more actively engaged with her interests, showing devotion, expressing non-sexual affection, becoming more attentive to her needs, engaging her in conversation on a meaningful level, and generally becoming once more the man who she fell in love with are all areas dominant women now expect their submissive husbands to demonstrate significant growth. 

By nature, women want to feel secure, loved and cared for. Dominant women, have within their power the tools necessary to train their husband to be that man. They have the ability to train up a man to be that supportive spouse who comes to understand her need for respect and to be heard. She can be that woman whose husband values her values and respects her decisions and abides by her principles. But in order for that to happen, it’s up to her to raise what she expects. She can become a bitchy wife but by doing so, she's not likely to gain his compliance. A better path is for her to use her sexuality and his need for sexual focus to get what she wants from him. By doing so she creates a win-win formula that leads to deeper intimacy on a multitude of levels. 

As submissive men, we already know this. We know it's our duty to obey. It's our duty to follow. We also know we depend on her to lead. When men reduce demands and when she assumes undeniable leadership by leading in the way she should, near perfect spousal harmony can result. 

Christmas is a time where God bridged the chasm between us and Him. He gave us the ultimate gift. My hope is that we can all take the time as both men and women who live in FLRs to look past ourselves to the person we love most; to see how we can raise or lower expectations as is appropriate - with the intent to better express our love to the one we love most.

Katie and I wish you all a Merry Christmas! 

I'm Hers


Saturday, December 9, 2017

Balancing the Equation

Let’s talk football. The Cleveland Browns stink. They’ve been bad for a long time and although they get great support from their fans, I’m sure most who come to the game come to enjoy football for football and not because they expect their team to win.  Winning is icing on the cake – and rarely happens.  This isn’t so with the Golden State Warriors basketball team. They’re quite good and I would think their fans would be quite bummed if they paid good money to watch their team lose.  

So what’s the difference? The difference has to do with expectations. In the first instance the expectations, based on past performance, aren’t very high. In the latter instance they are.  So where am I going with this?  Let’s venture into the land of relationships.

In most, if not all marriages besides having a vow to stick with their partner through thick and thin are assumptions (spoken or not) of certain expectations imposed on one another. These may have come as a result of past experiences while dating, as a result of the way their parents modeled ‘living’ while growing up, from conversations the couple engaged in regarding how ‘we’ will live as a family unit, or from other past experiences. 

We’ve all heard the, “honeymoon period” adage. Implied is a period of blissful romance when a couple magically gets along and when nothing seems to be able to fracture their perfect relationship. At some point, however we often hear others comment, “I guess the honeymoon is over.”   That statement reveals evidence of spousal disagreement, arguing or even fighting.  Ahh, it’s life, we say in response but what really happened?

Over time it’s easy to create unrealistic expectations for your partner. The “I want the house to be clean, the kids bathed and dinner on the table when I get home every night,” expectation to a young mom of three is likely to be met with a home that is in somewhat disarray, the meal not even thought of, and the kids still dirty from a day of playing outside. The net result will be a partner feeling frustrated because his expectations remained unmet.

If that same scenario is applied to a FLR home, might we agree that we as men often hope for our wives would to act like in ways that leather-clad, whip welding wife who can’t wait to smack her boy around, tie him spread-eagle to the four bedposts and gag him before having her way. Of course that scenario only plays itself out in magazines and hardly ever in real life.  More often than not we find ourselves married to a special lady, who in many respects, lives a life very much like the women living next door or across the street. She enjoys many of the same things they do and even though she knows she is the head of her home, doesn’t feel the need to smack her husband around or dress up in a kinky outfit that feels like she’s wrapped in barbwire, just to satisfy the fantasy needs of her husband’s kink.

The net result, on the part of the husband will eventually result in frustration for an unmet expectation.  His expectation to what he hopes will be his reality remains unmet and becomes the source of his angst. 

To one degree I’ve been that man. I’ve written of my wish for Katie to display more dominant traits and during the months when my hopes remained unmet, I too became that frustrated husband who always fell asleep with a small hole in his heart.  

Yet I know to a large degree I couldn’t make Katie change. I can’t make her want to dress in leather if her true love is a sweater and jeans. I can’t make her love football or suddenly become athletic if she can’t even toss a ball. I can’t make her love board games if that isn’t her thing. To force her to be all that she isn’t, will only end with both of us feeling frustrated and irritated with one another.

I’m writing this post on the heels of reading an article in which this equation was written:

 EXPECTATION – OBSERVATION = FRUSTRATION

Consider it. Think about it. What does it mean to you? What’s it trying to say? Doesn’t it speak to you? How does this equation fit with your particular FLR? Do you expect more from him/her than you see? If so, then frustration will the natural outcome if given enough time. 

So how can the equation be balanced? 

Doesn’t it make sense, especially in the case of the submissive husband to put his wants on the back burner? I mean, doesn’t the very title of who a man is – submissive – imply being second? Doesn’t it mean your wants and your responsibilities and your desires become secondary to hers? (No, I’m not saying that the two of you shouldn’t talk and share) but in the end, you wanted her to take charge of you, your marriage, and your life and regardless of what you want from her, you can’t make her change. You really can’t. If change is going to happen then it’s only going to take place if she makes the choice to change.  

Because of this, the only option here is for you (as a submissive man) to reduce your expectations. Go with the flow. Follow her lead. Let her do with you, and with your marriage as she best sees. Remember that she loves you like none other, but remember too that she’s the one who will lead you in the way that best fits who she is.

When I first read that equation, I thought back to the months when I lived the life of a frustrated man. I kept waiting and hoping and wanting for her to be that ‘different Katie’ but she never changed into the dominant wife I wanted.  Eventually I changed. In a way, you might say I gave up hoping. And in fact I did.  I came to accept that my current way of loving and caring for her (and in turn, her style of loving, caring and leading me) was how it was going to be. The Katie with whom I am bound and love will always have ‘this’ style of dominance. The way she leads has pretty much remained unchanged from the get-go. Yes, it’s quite evident to see she is in charge. It’s also evident she has no intention of becoming more like this female blog writer or the wife of that blog writer. She just won’t.

When I was able to come to that conclusion, my life slowly returned to a harmonious state. I became a happier man. I think Katie also became a more content domme when my sulking and sullen attitude ceased. When I made the decision to reduce my expectations to what was my reality – with what I observed every day – my frustrations dissipated.  I didn’t know it at the time but what I did was balance the equation. My EXPECTATION = My OBSERVATION and as a result My FRUSTRATION level dropped to near zero

I’d encourage you to consider the expectations you currently impose on your wife? Consider first, if imposing an expectation is even a right you have as her submissive. It’s one thing to hope and still another to express your desires but it’s another thing completely to demand. My suggestion is for you, as HER submissive, to discard whatever expectation you have in the moment and deal with the reality at hand.

Are you tired of being frustrated? Then set aside your unmet expectations and face reality head on. Then, after the fact, have a conversation with her about what you expect and why but be ready to accept a decision that may not be what you want.  And if that decision is rendered, make the decision to accept your new reality and move on.

Remember, the goal for living this way in the first place is to cultivate a deeper, more intimate relationship with the woman you can’t dream of living without. I can say, it took stepping away from my desire for Katie to be more dominant and instead, making a mental list of all the ways she already expressed her authority to see all the ‘good’ I already have. She is extremely controlling in so many areas of my life. She just controls me, us, and our life in a non-kinky authoritarian manner.   When looking at life from the perspective of all I had an not from the few things I don’t, and then making the conscious choice to actually submit – to do what she wants rather than hope for something she doesn’t want to do – I became a more content and loving husband.

I’m Hers




Sunday, December 3, 2017

Deterrents

Katie and I were discussing the international ‘incident’ of the three UCLA basketball players who were caught shoplifting while in China. I don’t know the specifics of what happened other than they were in China for the purpose of playing basketball. I also know they were caught stealing sun glasses.  Chinese penalty for such an offense, if proven guilty, was prison time. The sentence could range anywhere from three to ten years.

This incident coincided with Trump's visit and in the end he ‘negotiated’ their release.

In any event the story hit social media and the news and got us talking. I remembered a discussion Katie and I️ had early on in our relationship. She stated on no uncertain terms that if we ever got married and she caught me cheating, we were through.  There was no malice in her words. Rather she made a statement of fact and I’ve never forgotten those words. 

Now, it’s my hunch that in China, there are not too many who want to risk 5-10 years in a Chinese prison for the reward of a $50 pair of sunglasses.  Why? Because the penalty far outweighs the reward.

As a kid one summer I slept in a tent in the back yard of my best friends’ house. We had other intentions besides just sleeping outside and getting bit up by mosquitoes.  Sometime during the wee hours of night we dressed, grabbed our flashlights and headed the short distance out of town. Sneaking though a vacant field we crossed a road and snuck, army style, as only ten year olds could do, through another field until coming to Mr. Miller’s farm. 

Everyone knew Mr. Miller had a water melon patch but everyone also knew he had a shotgun at the ready with rock salt. We knew of more than one who supposedly sustained injury from one of his blasts. But we were ten so we were invincible.  We found the patch and soon found the watermelons – the big oval ones that taste O so good. Grabbing one required both arms and even then we struggled to not drop our prize.  Sneaking all the way back home we rejoiced at our stolen goods. 

It was then when it dawned on me: I couldn’t take my watermelon home. My father would absolutely tan my hide and march me back to Mr. Miller if he ever found out!  Ugh!!!  Even now I remember the sick feeling of loss at knowing I️ couldn’t enjoy what I️ had stolen.  My best friend’s parents felt differently. He didn’t fear their wrath and in the end, he got to enjoy TWO watermelons that summer.

You see, the level of deterrent will often dictate future behavior.  A deterrent is just that. It’s the understanding that if I do ‘this’, ‘that’ will happen.  Want to grab the wire surrounding a cow pasture? Be my guest. Want to steal from the local department store? Want to cheat about when you clocked in and clocked out at work, knowing there are security cameras watching you? As in all aspects of life, choices, both good and bad often result in a subsequent reaction.

As a mistress and a submissive, there is an understanding of who can do what, what is expected from each party and ….. hopefully a ‘spelled out understanding’ as to what will happen to the submissive should he intentionally (or possibly unintentionally) violate a predetermined behavior. How strict the mistress enforces understood rules will determine in large measure how well those rules are followed. 

For example, she might have a rule that all wash is to be done during the weekend. If wash is not folded and put away before bed on Sunday, what does she do? How should she handle seeing a load still in the dryer? What consequences, if any need to take place?

If the answer is nothing, what message does that convey? If the answer is one day without TV for every article of clothing left in the dryer, what message does that consequence convey?  The penalty might sound harsh but in the end, isn’t that penalty somewhat like the Chinese penalty for shop lifting? Both go a long way to curb undesired behavior.

Leading and following work hand in hand. For the submissive, knowing where not to go, what not to do, and clearly understanding what will happen if a bad choice is made is not a punishment rendered on the part of the wife but a gift she gives . It really is. There is no difference between this and punishing a child for misbehavior. To not punish is to raise a child ill-fit to become an adult and live within the laws of our country.  Doubt me? Just watch the news to see what UCLA chooses to do/not do. My guess is they will do nothing. And doesn’t that speak volumes.

Enjoy your week.

I’m Hers