Saturday, December 9, 2017

Balancing the Equation

Let’s talk football. The Cleveland Browns stink. They’ve been bad for a long time and although they get great support from their fans, I’m sure most who come to the game come to enjoy football for football and not because they expect their team to win.  Winning is icing on the cake – and rarely happens.  This isn’t so with the Golden State Warriors basketball team. They’re quite good and I would think their fans would be quite bummed if they paid good money to watch their team lose.  

So what’s the difference? The difference has to do with expectations. In the first instance the expectations, based on past performance, aren’t very high. In the latter instance they are.  So where am I going with this?  Let’s venture into the land of relationships.

In most, if not all marriages besides having a vow to stick with their partner through thick and thin are assumptions (spoken or not) of certain expectations imposed on one another. These may have come as a result of past experiences while dating, as a result of the way their parents modeled ‘living’ while growing up, from conversations the couple engaged in regarding how ‘we’ will live as a family unit, or from other past experiences. 

We’ve all heard the, “honeymoon period” adage. Implied is a period of blissful romance when a couple magically gets along and when nothing seems to be able to fracture their perfect relationship. At some point, however we often hear others comment, “I guess the honeymoon is over.”   That statement reveals evidence of spousal disagreement, arguing or even fighting.  Ahh, it’s life, we say in response but what really happened?

Over time it’s easy to create unrealistic expectations for your partner. The “I want the house to be clean, the kids bathed and dinner on the table when I get home every night,” expectation to a young mom of three is likely to be met with a home that is in somewhat disarray, the meal not even thought of, and the kids still dirty from a day of playing outside. The net result will be a partner feeling frustrated because his expectations remained unmet.

If that same scenario is applied to a FLR home, might we agree that we as men often hope for our wives would to act like in ways that leather-clad, whip welding wife who can’t wait to smack her boy around, tie him spread-eagle to the four bedposts and gag him before having her way. Of course that scenario only plays itself out in magazines and hardly ever in real life.  More often than not we find ourselves married to a special lady, who in many respects, lives a life very much like the women living next door or across the street. She enjoys many of the same things they do and even though she knows she is the head of her home, doesn’t feel the need to smack her husband around or dress up in a kinky outfit that feels like she’s wrapped in barbwire, just to satisfy the fantasy needs of her husband’s kink.

The net result, on the part of the husband will eventually result in frustration for an unmet expectation.  His expectation to what he hopes will be his reality remains unmet and becomes the source of his angst. 

To one degree I’ve been that man. I’ve written of my wish for Katie to display more dominant traits and during the months when my hopes remained unmet, I too became that frustrated husband who always fell asleep with a small hole in his heart.  

Yet I know to a large degree I couldn’t make Katie change. I can’t make her want to dress in leather if her true love is a sweater and jeans. I can’t make her love football or suddenly become athletic if she can’t even toss a ball. I can’t make her love board games if that isn’t her thing. To force her to be all that she isn’t, will only end with both of us feeling frustrated and irritated with one another.

I’m writing this post on the heels of reading an article in which this equation was written:


Consider it. Think about it. What does it mean to you? What’s it trying to say? Doesn’t it speak to you? How does this equation fit with your particular FLR? Do you expect more from him/her than you see? If so, then frustration will the natural outcome if given enough time. 

So how can the equation be balanced? 

Doesn’t it make sense, especially in the case of the submissive husband to put his wants on the back burner? I mean, doesn’t the very title of who a man is – submissive – imply being second? Doesn’t it mean your wants and your responsibilities and your desires become secondary to hers? (No, I’m not saying that the two of you shouldn’t talk and share) but in the end, you wanted her to take charge of you, your marriage, and your life and regardless of what you want from her, you can’t make her change. You really can’t. If change is going to happen then it’s only going to take place if she makes the choice to change.  

Because of this, the only option here is for you (as a submissive man) to reduce your expectations. Go with the flow. Follow her lead. Let her do with you, and with your marriage as she best sees. Remember that she loves you like none other, but remember too that she’s the one who will lead you in the way that best fits who she is.

When I first read that equation, I thought back to the months when I lived the life of a frustrated man. I kept waiting and hoping and wanting for her to be that ‘different Katie’ but she never changed into the dominant wife I wanted.  Eventually I changed. In a way, you might say I gave up hoping. And in fact I did.  I came to accept that my current way of loving and caring for her (and in turn, her style of loving, caring and leading me) was how it was going to be. The Katie with whom I am bound and love will always have ‘this’ style of dominance. The way she leads has pretty much remained unchanged from the get-go. Yes, it’s quite evident to see she is in charge. It’s also evident she has no intention of becoming more like this female blog writer or the wife of that blog writer. She just won’t.

When I was able to come to that conclusion, my life slowly returned to a harmonious state. I became a happier man. I think Katie also became a more content domme when my sulking and sullen attitude ceased. When I made the decision to reduce my expectations to what was my reality – with what I observed every day – my frustrations dissipated.  I didn’t know it at the time but what I did was balance the equation. My EXPECTATION = My OBSERVATION and as a result My FRUSTRATION level dropped to near zero

I’d encourage you to consider the expectations you currently impose on your wife? Consider first, if imposing an expectation is even a right you have as her submissive. It’s one thing to hope and still another to express your desires but it’s another thing completely to demand. My suggestion is for you, as HER submissive, to discard whatever expectation you have in the moment and deal with the reality at hand.

Are you tired of being frustrated? Then set aside your unmet expectations and face reality head on. Then, after the fact, have a conversation with her about what you expect and why but be ready to accept a decision that may not be what you want.  And if that decision is rendered, make the decision to accept your new reality and move on.

Remember, the goal for living this way in the first place is to cultivate a deeper, more intimate relationship with the woman you can’t dream of living without. I can say, it took stepping away from my desire for Katie to be more dominant and instead, making a mental list of all the ways she already expressed her authority to see all the ‘good’ I already have. She is extremely controlling in so many areas of my life. She just controls me, us, and our life in a non-kinky authoritarian manner.   When looking at life from the perspective of all I had an not from the few things I don’t, and then making the conscious choice to actually submit – to do what she wants rather than hope for something she doesn’t want to do – I became a more content and loving husband.

I’m Hers


  1. I am convinced that submission is an addiction. Once you get a taste of it, you just want more and more and you want to keep going deeper each time. The problem is we are never satisfied. No matter how deep our wive's dive into it we just expect more. Your advice to lower your expectations makes sense. I liken it more to stopping and smelling the roses every now and then. Take a deep breath and enjoy what you have. I came to this revelation in my FLR a few years back...that my wife was actually doing quite a bit of domination and that our marriage truly was much different than a traditional marriage. Accepting this has reduced my stress and allowed me to enjoy my wife's dominance much more. I still have hope that things will evolve further than what they are now but I am patient about it.
    -Joe D

    1. Hi Joe D, I've never really considered the submissive life as being addicting. Rather I see it, for those of us who find such peace living this way, as a life that fits who we are. Maybe that slippery slope of wanting ever-more control is the addiction path you point out. And you may be correct. Feeling secure under her authority is how I feel and by giving and knowing I am serving her helps me to remain right where I need to be mentally.

      But I do agree, it is a place in life I never ever want to move away from.

      Thanks for commenting!

  2. I think this is an excellent way of looking at it. If we try to impose our desires then we are not truly submitting. We need to truly submit from the heart and truly desire that she gets what she wants. The more we can truly die to and sacrifice our desires, the more she can see hers fulfilled and that is what we should want if we really desire to be submissive.

    1. Thanks for sharing. You know I think it is our blood as men to want to take care of our spouses. Submitting to them is one way to do just that. I like your words "The more we can truly die to and sacrifice our desires, the more she can see hers fulfilled...." That is some good advice.

      Thanks for taking the time to comment!

  3. Hi I’m Hers,
    Your blogging does sound very positive and it’s nice that you have accepted things the way they are. Sometimes things carried to the extreme aren’t good or pleasing in a many relationship. Our wives love us and lead us and it’s better to have those things than be unfulfilled.

    I like the word “authoritarian” tbat you used to describe the way your wife leads. I think it applies to the way my own wife runs and directs our marriage. I have learned from some unpleasant experiences that my wife does not want her authority questioned. But you also wrote that your wife leads in a non-kinky way. Given the amount of time you spend locked up and denied, which sounds similar to my own experience (and maybe more excessive), that is practice is kinky, or would be described that way by many. Not releasing for time periods that can grow into months long puts me into a submissive place when I think about it and I directly feel my wife’s authority being exercised.

  4. Hello,
    You describe yourself as a Christian in his mid fifties. I am also. My question is how do you see these thoughts and feelings about being submissive to our wives from a biblical standpoint ? The bible tells us to love our wives as Christ loves the church and certainly that means our love for her should be sacrificial in nature. It should also be life-giving , freeing her up to live her life to her full God-given potential and to fully bloom in all ways. Certainly male submission plays a key role in this. To be willing to lay our lives down, to lay all perceived rights down, for her sake to fully devote ourselves to advancing her interests and do all we can to help her get what she desires most out of life should be the goal. I think the tricky part is when serving her leads us to erotic thoughts and feelings that in fact give us pleasure. At that point are we serving her or ourselves? And is the pleasure we feel pure or of a selfish nature . I am struggling to sort this all out in my own mind and would like to know your thoughts.

    1. TJ, Let me answer this is as a post topic - sometime after Christmas. Thanks for asking.

    2. thank you ! looking forward to hearing your thoughts and insight.