Sunday, December 3, 2017


Katie and I were discussing the international ‘incident’ of the three UCLA basketball players who were caught shoplifting while in China. I don’t know the specifics of what happened other than they were in China for the purpose of playing basketball. I also know they were caught stealing sun glasses.  Chinese penalty for such an offense, if proven guilty, was prison time. The sentence could range anywhere from three to ten years.

This incident coincided with Trump's visit and in the end he ‘negotiated’ their release.

In any event the story hit social media and the news and got us talking. I remembered a discussion Katie and I️ had early on in our relationship. She stated on no uncertain terms that if we ever got married and she caught me cheating, we were through.  There was no malice in her words. Rather she made a statement of fact and I’ve never forgotten those words. 

Now, it’s my hunch that in China, there are not too many who want to risk 5-10 years in a Chinese prison for the reward of a $50 pair of sunglasses.  Why? Because the penalty far outweighs the reward.

As a kid one summer I slept in a tent in the back yard of my best friends’ house. We had other intentions besides just sleeping outside and getting bit up by mosquitoes.  Sometime during the wee hours of night we dressed, grabbed our flashlights and headed the short distance out of town. Sneaking though a vacant field we crossed a road and snuck, army style, as only ten year olds could do, through another field until coming to Mr. Miller’s farm. 

Everyone knew Mr. Miller had a water melon patch but everyone also knew he had a shotgun at the ready with rock salt. We knew of more than one who supposedly sustained injury from one of his blasts. But we were ten so we were invincible.  We found the patch and soon found the watermelons – the big oval ones that taste O so good. Grabbing one required both arms and even then we struggled to not drop our prize.  Sneaking all the way back home we rejoiced at our stolen goods. 

It was then when it dawned on me: I couldn’t take my watermelon home. My father would absolutely tan my hide and march me back to Mr. Miller if he ever found out!  Ugh!!!  Even now I remember the sick feeling of loss at knowing I️ couldn’t enjoy what I️ had stolen.  My best friend’s parents felt differently. He didn’t fear their wrath and in the end, he got to enjoy TWO watermelons that summer.

You see, the level of deterrent will often dictate future behavior.  A deterrent is just that. It’s the understanding that if I do ‘this’, ‘that’ will happen.  Want to grab the wire surrounding a cow pasture? Be my guest. Want to steal from the local department store? Want to cheat about when you clocked in and clocked out at work, knowing there are security cameras watching you? As in all aspects of life, choices, both good and bad often result in a subsequent reaction.

As a mistress and a submissive, there is an understanding of who can do what, what is expected from each party and ….. hopefully a ‘spelled out understanding’ as to what will happen to the submissive should he intentionally (or possibly unintentionally) violate a predetermined behavior. How strict the mistress enforces understood rules will determine in large measure how well those rules are followed. 

For example, she might have a rule that all wash is to be done during the weekend. If wash is not folded and put away before bed on Sunday, what does she do? How should she handle seeing a load still in the dryer? What consequences, if any need to take place?

If the answer is nothing, what message does that convey? If the answer is one day without TV for every article of clothing left in the dryer, what message does that consequence convey?  The penalty might sound harsh but in the end, isn’t that penalty somewhat like the Chinese penalty for shop lifting? Both go a long way to curb undesired behavior.

Leading and following work hand in hand. For the submissive, knowing where not to go, what not to do, and clearly understanding what will happen if a bad choice is made is not a punishment rendered on the part of the wife but a gift she gives . It really is. There is no difference between this and punishing a child for misbehavior. To not punish is to raise a child ill-fit to become an adult and live within the laws of our country.  Doubt me? Just watch the news to see what UCLA chooses to do/not do. My guess is they will do nothing. And doesn’t that speak volumes.

Enjoy your week.

I’m Hers


  1. I enjoy your blog, and am myself in the early stages of an FLR with my wife of almost 20 years. But I find this post very disturbing. What you appear to be saying is that when you scale up an FLR relationship to the level of a whole society, it turns out to be a repressive, authoritarian society with little respect for human rights. I'm sorry, but I think this is total nonsense. Deterrence, while often necessary, cannot do the work of the loving cultivation of the right kind of desire that really changes behavior. It is often a crude, externally imposed force that is ineffectual at promoting good behavior.
    The watermelon story suggests to me that you think the threat of physical punishment is not only important in the consensual play of an adult couple, but should also be a basic principle in the work of bringing up children, and dealing with social problems like crime. There are various studies that have established a relationship between children who are spanked regularly and lower cognitive ability. But the bigger point is that it reflects an archaic view of the child as a little demon whose 'bad' instincts need to be repressed. Among many, and particularly among educated parents today, this idea has been replaced by the idea that you're trying to cultivate your children's talents, not repress their bad natures. Children are now seen as responsive to reason, having valid emotions, and the capacity to make choices among those who practice concerted cultivation.
    Is an authoritarian society your model of what FLR would look like scaled up to a society? Is it okay that notorious 'three strikes' laws had young men sentenced to life in prison for stealing a pair of socks? Well, like you say, perhaps that 'goes a long way to curbing undesirable behavior'. Or how about all the teenagers currently addicted to opioids? Do we need to treat them like young black men were treated during the crack epidemic, and give them life sentences for possession of opioids? Surely that would curb their undesirable behavior?
    Punishment, for me, is the work of a loving authority whose main goal is to cultivate the right kind of desire. For you, it seems its goal is repressing bad instincts and bad feelings that are just part of who you are. I think this difference leads me and you to radically different views about what it would mean to scale up an FLR to the social level.

    1. Hi Frank, Thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. Let me answer your comment in this way. Have you ever had the urge to step on the gas and floor it to reach your destination sooner, or just because you wanted to watch the speedometer climb into the 70 or 80's?

      I know I have (and at times done so) but mostly I refrain because I know, in part if a state trooper is parked around the next bend, I'll pay a hefty price.

      The only point I wanted to make here is that sometimes it's important for us (as submissives) to understand there are consequences to our actions and at times it might be important for our wives to remind us of what that consequence might entail.

      In no way am I trying to say that submission only happens because of a fear of doing wrong. A loving healthy 'vanilla' relationship must exist before there is any chance of a FLR dynamic succeeding and thriving.
      I understand that obedience must come from the heart and threats/punishments can never supersede such 'heart-felt' convictions.

      I hope my rambling hear is making sense.

  2. What I like about you blog is that it makes me think.

    Because of weakness in the human condition punishment is an impartment deterrence.

    In a more perfect world each of us would have developed our own personal sense of right and wrong. Even without punishment our social conscious would direct us to do the right thing. In the field that night didn't you have a thought that stealing the melon was wrong.
    Didn't your parents teach you that taking some one else's property was wrong? Yes, I suspect they did.

    As a young girl I learned that it was right for me to obey my parents.
    Even in situations where punishment was not a factor my inner conscious reminded me of what was right and what was wrong.

    In femdom marriage a man's social conscious should tell him that obedience to his wife is the right thing, and violating her authority is wrong. However, we all tend to rationalize. One man thinks cheating is wrong, but it is justified because she doesn't give him enough sex.
    Another man thinks that having a relationship with another woman is wrong, but visiting a dominatrix is ok because it is not really sex.

    Over the years John has adopted much of my sense of social responsibility. John's moral compass is to a large degree based on my values of right and wrong. This happens in a marriage when two people are so completely intimate with one another. Still, John, as a man as weaknesses. And because of his weaknesses it is important for him to know that mistress is willing to punish. It is important for him to know that mistress is watching him. Knowing this makes it easier for him to make good decisions as oppose to bad.

    Years ago he made the decision to visit the studio. He later made the decision to have something of an affair with one of the mistresses. He justified this decision by saying Kathy would never understand his need for female authority. He also felt that he would never be caught nor would he be punished. On that day when I found the panties in the gym bag his entire world collapsed around him.

    I hope that some of this makes sense.

    Love you, Kathy

    1. Kathy,
      It makes complete sense to me and I agree completely. If I had been caught stealing that watermelon, I would have been punished. I would have also embarrassed my parents because I was their son and Mr Miller was a casual friend of theirs. Me stealing the melon was a dumb action of a 10 year old boy, but once the act had taken place it was then when I realized the potential consequences.

      Like your John, he went to the watermelon patch without fully understanding the consequences. There was the thrill of sneaking away and enjoying time at the Studio. For me it was the thrill of doing something with the thought of getting away with it - and getting something I wanted - a juicy watermelon.

      We all make mistakes and I agree, it is helpful for all of us to understand there is the 'rule of law' that needs to keep us all living within its' boundaries.

      The same is true within a FLR. There needs to be boundaries/limits/expectations and an understanding that venturing beyond those limits will not be appreciated or tolerated.

      Love you commenting.

  3. I very much like your comment to Frank that true obedience comes from the heart.
    This is a lovely message. In a way it sums up what is so good and pure about the way we live. Femdom is not about forcing men to do something against their will. It is about giving them the freedom to be the person they want to become. Too much of the literature focuses on 'what mistress makes him do.' Men are in female led relationships because they want to be in them. For men like you and my John obedience to a wife comes naturally. From time to time punishment will play a necessary part, but it is not the defining characteristic of a femdom marriage.

  4. I think the fantasy is being ‘forced’ to serve our mistress. Perhaps it’s being made to do what we want to do anyway.

    I love giving my wife a massage. But somehow it’s even sweeter when she commands it.