Friday, December 22, 2017

The Frustration Equation from a Woman's Angle

In the previous post I spoke of the ‘frustration equation’ (Expectation – Observation = Frustration) from a submissive’s perspective. My recommendation was for submissive men to reduce their level of expectation and simply do what their mistress tells them – to go with the flow – to be that supportive husband they vowed to be. After all, isn’t obedience the hallmark of what it means to be submissive?

What I neglected to discuss is how this equation applies to the dominant female? 

When I think of most heterosexual relationships I believe I can make the generalized statement that it is the husband, far more commonly than the wife, who is lacking (when compared to her) in his level of emotional maturity, discipline, devotion and relational commitment. Isn't it men who are the ones most addicted to porn? Isn't it mostly men who want to spend time with their buddies rather than spending time at home with their kids and spouse? Isn't it the guys who are more likely to spend time alone flipping channels or remaining glued to their laptop or cell phone while the house is a buzz with activity? Isn't it men who are less likely to feel the need for social, emotional and relational intimacy and instead converse about 'things' (sports, weather, cars and work, etc.)? In all cases (and again I am generalizing) I believe its men, far more than woman who are at fault when it comes to maintaining a healthy spousal relationship.

With this premise, I believe that female frustration has mostly to do with her man not living up to the standards she came to expect.  In order to balance ‘her’ equation and thus eliminate her frustration it's not her who needs to change. Rather it's her who needs to raise the standards she expects of him. What better way than within a FLR?

They say that 97% of all men masturbate and the 3% who claim they don’t are lying.  That statement always causes me to smile but it’s probably quite accurate. Men are sexually oriented. Our brains are often found between our legs. Sex is also our point of vulnerability. Media uses sexuality to sell. Women use it to get what they want. And dominant women use it to maintain control of their husbands. It's why so many men living in a FLR are locked or expected to live without masturbating.  

Men are sexually driven creatures and releasing on a frequent, if not continual basis, is a powerful driving force. But frequent ejaculation also serves as a powerful reducer of emotional dependency. Once the mountain has been summited, the desire to keep climbing temporarily ceases and male involvement with his wife diminishes.  I’m sure there are hundreds of men who read this blog who will confess their wives lock them for this very reason. Not only does it ensure fidelity, it encourages dependency. Eliminating voluntary ejaculation may not be the only reason men are locked but I’m sure it's at, or near the top of most wives’ ‘I better not catch you doing this’ list.  When viewing this in light of the frustration equation, keeping a husband chaste except for when she wants him, makes it easier for her to control his behavior.

The same principle can be applied to helping around the house.  For decades, if not centuries, it has been the woman who has taken care of the home. But the tide is turning and in the homes of women who maintain control of their husband, this tradition has significantly changed. Owned men are now expected to take a greater role in domestic responsibilities. Additionally, men now are more actively involved in family matters and child-rearing. With him now engaged in her home, her observation of his involvement becomes more closely aligned with her expectations. Frustration levels plummet when these changes occurs.

Examples can be made in the areas of him becoming more actively engaged with her interests, showing devotion, expressing non-sexual affection, becoming more attentive to her needs, engaging her in conversation on a meaningful level, and generally becoming once more the man who she fell in love with are all areas dominant women now expect their submissive husbands to demonstrate significant growth. 

By nature, women want to feel secure, loved and cared for. Dominant women, have within their power the tools necessary to train their husband to be that man. They have the ability to train up a man to be that supportive spouse who comes to understand her need for respect and to be heard. She can be that woman whose husband values her values and respects her decisions and abides by her principles. But in order for that to happen, it’s up to her to raise what she expects. She can become a bitchy wife but by doing so, she's not likely to gain his compliance. A better path is for her to use her sexuality and his need for sexual focus to get what she wants from him. By doing so she creates a win-win formula that leads to deeper intimacy on a multitude of levels. 

As submissive men, we already know this. We know it's our duty to obey. It's our duty to follow. We also know we depend on her to lead. When men reduce demands and when she assumes undeniable leadership by leading in the way she should, near perfect spousal harmony can result. 

Christmas is a time where God bridged the chasm between us and Him. He gave us the ultimate gift. My hope is that we can all take the time as both men and women who live in FLRs to look past ourselves to the person we love most; to see how we can raise or lower expectations as is appropriate - with the intent to better express our love to the one we love most.

Katie and I wish you all a Merry Christmas! 

I'm Hers


  1. And a very merry Christmas to you too. Thank you for these words!

    V. (in the North of England).

  2. I’m Hers,
    I now see that I was wrong in an earlier post and chastity device use is not necessarily a kink although in my case it started that way or I at least I perceived it that way. Being locked is one of the conditions that can bring a man closer to his spouse. I used to always be interested in maneuvering my wife for my own sexual pleasure and release. But since that’s not happening anymore, I have become more devoted and a better and more obedient spouse. In that sense, and the way you described it, being locked is not a kink. I have real discussions with her.
    Have a wonderful holiday season.

    1. Thanks for your observant comment. Chastity, weather by an actual device or by a kept promise on the part of the husband will always produce a greater degree of intimacy. I think beyond the actual restraint is the element of trust and we all know trust is one of the key necessities needed for intimacy to occur. Merry Christmas FL!

    2. You are so right on the issue of trust being related to intimacy. Thank you for the Christmas wish. And, may 2018 be a wonderful year for you and yours,