When I accepted the role of the submissive spouse and agreed to Katie's terms of submission, I became a non-entity in many respects. Although I know without question Katie loves me, I also know she expects me to trust her when it comes to financial decisions, relational decisions, and ones regarding my use of time when not at work. Although we discuss how I (we) will spend our time, I have no say when it comes to our finances. She does it all and I trust she is saving and spending earned money wisely.
Since becoming her sub, I believe my need for her as a source of security as also grown. Submission is all about dependency. It's about the man letting go. It's about him learning to trust and learning to obey. It's about the man stepping back. It's about him admiring his wife as she steps to the fore. It's about respecting and honoring her while she leads, decides and directs. It's about the man taking care of his wife but doing so from a position of dependency and obligation rather than doing so out of choice.
It's my contention that when a man submits, he experiences an increasing need for his spouse. I am certain I have become more needy. I have seen the change. Because I look to Katie for leadership, and because I am required to ask permission before doing most everything, my need (my dependency) has naturally grown. I now look to my wife as a primary source of personal security. I express that need by my increased affection. I express it by being physically close. I would much rather sit by her side, or at her feet than be apart. I want to hold her hand, lay my leg against her while in bed, have her lay on me at night, touch her while we drive, etc. I have a need to touch. I have a need to serve. I enjoy serving. I enjoy watching her smile when I do something for her. I have a need for her to verbally approve my efforts. I love when she affirms my service. I love simply being in her presence. I wouldn't go so far as to say I am her house boy, but in many ways I am - and in many ways I want to be that man in her life.
This need, this dependency, is a direct outcome of me letting go. Her control of money, her keeping me in chastity, her deciding when and how we make love, her telling me what chores I must complete, along with me generally caring for her well-being, has impacted how I view her. She is not only my wife, she is the head of our home. She is not only my love, she is the prominent authority figure in my life. I like to think of her as my mistress-wife (my boss-wife, if you don't like the term mistress). Regardless of terminology, she's the one in charge. I'm the one who looks to her for direction.
One of the unforeseen beauties of a female led relationship, is the mutual benefit it provides both. Generally speaking, a girl wants to be loved, she wants to feel safe, she wants to feel secure and she wants her husband to be her protector. My dad was that person for mom. Even though I am Katie's submissive and am required to lean on her for so much, she feels quite protected and secure. How ironic. How cool!
You would think the independence a woman in charge of a female led relationship feels would free her from the constraints of her husband. In some ways she probably does feel free. She is free to decide, free to do what she wants with her time, and free to spend as she pleases. But the irony of it all, at least in our marriage, is that Katie wants to be with me even more than before. Yes she is free to do and live and decide as she wishes, but she is still the same girl inside. She is still that girl who wants to be loved and protected, just as my mom wishes to feel loved and protected by dad.
If you were to ask Katie what she loves most about a FLR she will tell you, "I love that he takes care of me". How unsexy and unkinky is that? :) What she will tell you if you press her for clarity is, she loves to see and feel my affection. She loves me working on her behalf. She loves and admires my devotion. It's that affection aspect that I would term my 'neediness' and 'dependency'. In essence, she loves being in an intense love-relationship and not in a so-so marriage. Her independence doesn't result in her stepping away but rather toward me. She doesn't readily think, 'finally, I can do what I want' but rather, 'I love making decisions that will be best for us'. Her independence along with my dependence, bonds us. It's a two-way bond. It's not one where I am forced to be needy while she seeks freedom and independence apart from me. Not at all.
I don't know if Katie would completely agree, but since she has become the head of our home, she has been forced to become stronger. Because she is the decision maker, she has had to trust her gut more. Not only has she been pressed into leadership, she's also had to deal with me and my issues. She's had to confront me when I've disobeyed and instrucd me when she'd probably rather not. I believe that as roles change,so does our personality and our viewpoint on varying circumstances and situations. How I view something has her submissive might be quite different than how she views it as the governing mistress. I believe Katie has changed. She has become stronger, more confident, more decisive, she has the added role of being my security blanket as well.
I am certain she loves both. I'm certain she loves knowing I have a need to be with, and rely on, her. I'm also quite certain she loves the devotion my submission as promoted. I'm around more. I ask permission more. I affirm more. I depend more. All of this dependency has forced me to remain emotionally close and her feel safe. It's allowed her to be content, knowing my heart only yearns for hers. It's enabled us both to depend on one another in ways we never imagined.