Thursday, April 19, 2018

Sample Pledges

I was asked to post the pledge I say to Katie each morning. To me (and I suspect to Katie as well) that pledge is quite personal.  I want to keep it that way. But to help those who are considering a pledge I am posting three sample pledges Key wrote in his book.  If you have an interest in pledging your love and devotion to the woman you serve, I encourage you to take time and digest the content of the below three sample pledges and personalize one that fits you - and her.

I would dare suspect most woman won't turn away from the man they love most kneeling before them and verbally expressing his love in a personal and heartfelt manner.

I'm Hers

(to Key, I hope you don't mind me plagiarizing these few paragraphs from your larger text)

Pledge #1

I surrender authority to you.
I am doing this for the betterment of us.
I accept that this is hat I truly want, to serve you and to begin the process of lifting you up and have you as Leader of our household.
I promise to honor you and respect you.
Please accept my pledge, as I accept you as the leader and natural authority of the household.

Pledge #2

I belong to you. With all my love I submit to you. With all my passion I serve you. With all my desire I obey you. Your word is final, I will never challenge your natural authority. I give you whatever you desire because you utterly possess my heart and soul.  I respect you, I honor you, I am devoted to you because I was put on this earth to serve you just as you were put on this earth to lead me. I exist to submit to you. Please command me.

Pledge #3
I accept you as my natural authority. I thank you for your leadership and hard work. I promise to support you in word and deed. I will keep your household as you want it so you may succeed at your career for the betterment of us. I agree to keep the household your way, as well as accept your word as final on all household matters. Thank you for all you do to give us a wonderful life. 

Monday, April 16, 2018

Kneeling and looking up into her eyes

It’s been a few weeks since the D/s civil war in our home ended.  The rebellion was subdued within 72 hours and I am once more the loving and grateful prisoner of my wonderful wife.  In all seriousness, I can confess that things have mostly been restored and some progress made. She made a few changes in our marriage that have been good and I am hopeful she will pursue a few more things/persons. All in all things are better.  I wanted to devote this post to one change that has been significant to us both.

If you have read the femdom 101 blog recently you are aware that Kathy devoted a few posts to a book written by Key Barrett. Katie and I read that book a month or so prior to Kathy’s posts.  It was at Kathy’s suggestion we consider adding a‘pledge’ to our relationship. I reread Key's section on the topic a few times and gave the author’s premise some thought. A day or so later I wrote my own version of his suggested pledge and sent it to Katie via text. Her response nearly blew me away. “I love it!” she responded almost instantly.

We talked about adding this to our lifestyle as well as when in our typical day she wanted me to recite it. Katie decided mornings right after breakfast would be best. On that first day I found Katie sitting in the living room. As soon as I knelt she beamed and placed both hands on either side of my face. I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t feel awkward saying those words and I’d be lying if I told you those words had no effect on me. I’d also be lying if I told you they had no effect on my wife.  Saying what I said was a pretty profound act and I could tell Katie was taken.

She decided I would be doing this daily.  On that second day Katie again was seated and again I knelt but on the third morning she happened to be standing. I decided once more to kneel. That was a first. I’ve never knelt before my wife but it felt right although quite awkward. But by day three or four the saying of those words felt more normal and any awkwardness on my part was reduced because I knew Katie was on-board with this.

Not every day begins without interruptions and on one morning I found myself upstairs working. I received a text: "Make sure you say your pledge before you leave for work." Now that's getting a day off on the right foot! I've have missed one day since the inception of this into our lives. It’s been a good thing for us - a very good thing. It’s one thing to say in your heart, you will follow. It’s quite another to look your wife in the eye from a kneeling position and tell her. My pledge includes statements of what I promise to do: submit, obey, serve as well as affirming her for the woman she is and one I love. 

I've come to treasure this brief moment in our day. Those words now hold meaning and I find those words coming to mind throughout the day as life happens.  I may not be in the best of moods but I will remember the 'I'll obey you' part while at other times when I'm doing chores I'll think on the 'I love serving you' parts.  

I wanted to write this to those who have never knelt and reaffirmed a promise. A promise might be your reaffirming of wedding vows or commemorating the day you first proposed to her. For me it is my desire to verbally declare my decision to submit and obey.  Kneeling is a significant gesture. It’s not something normally done and so the rarity of it makes it special, especially when combined with heartfelt words.

Ladies, I can tell you this. My wife LOVES this. Katie, as you know, is reserved, quiet, somewhat shy, and traditionally raised.  This is not something she is use to but from the day I first knelt I knew this struck a chord somewhere deep inside. Me offering myself and opening my heart - becoming vulnerable in a way that met a need in her - has made for a minute before life begins - where I express just how deep my love for her is. 

More to come about the ‘new’ us later.

I’m Hers

Friday, April 6, 2018

I Unrebelled


A few weeks ago I lost it. It was a weekend morning and over coffee I stated I was through with this submissive stuff; that is, if things were going to stay the same. After that initial shock we had a great talk that morning and by midweek I couldn’t take being apart any longer. I felt distant. I know Katie was missing the old us. I broke down and asked if we could return to the old way. Thankfully she agreed. I shared what I felt I needed to keep going. I hope she heard me. If she didn’t we’re going to be back where we were in due time.

Since the rebellion of 2018, Katie has been significantly more open to talk about us as a couple within the scope of our FLR. She wants to lead and I love her doing so. She enjoys being the final decision maker and one who sets the agenda for us. 

A day or so after the unrebellion she informed me we’d be doing a walk through. The walk-through involved going room to room through our home. I honestly fretted over the thought of having to do that. “More work?” I kept thinking. That was exactly her thought. Her intention was to give me more chores to do beyond my normal load.  Three of four days later we went through the house: kitchen, laundry room, downstairs powder room, dining room, living room, foyer, stairs, and on and on it went.  She took me through each space and told me what she wanted done and how often sit was to be done.  It ended up being quite a bit.  It’s going to take some daily planning to fit this all in my weekly schedule.

It’s not that it’s an excessive burden but the trick will be getting things completed without my chores infringing on the time she wants to spend with me. Katie enjoys our together time. She looks forward to weekends together. She doesn’t enjoy sitting around, wishing she and I could go out and do this or that but have to wait for me to finish working on a house cleaning project for an hour or two. At night she wants me to sit with her and not be off in some remote part of the house cleaning a bathroom. 

As of yet, I haven’t tackled the bulk of the list but that time will soon come.  There’s going to be a learning curve on my part to make it all work.

Other changes have happened as well but for now, I’ll stop and save those topics for another day. 

What did I learn through all this? Most importantly I’ve come to see the need for us to talk about us. There is nothing that draws me closer to my wife than hearing her verbalize her desire to continue on in our FLR. To have her share in this way and see her invest a little time looking out for our relationship motivates me. Her leadership and openness to talk about us in this way is a love-language of mine – and I believe it is a love-language of hers as well. There is comfort in those conversations. There’s reassurance knowing she wants this as much as I. There is an openness during those times because we discuss feelings and thoughts and issues, rather than the usual daily topics of work, food, family and stuff. 

I’m Hers

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Hopeful and Hungering for Her


The past few days have been all but ordinary. It's midweek and I've lived the past few days as a non-submissive man for the first time in more than 7+ years.  It feels weird to live like the guy next door. It really does. I really don't prefer it but things are what they are. I'm not trying to be mean with the changes in some of my actions but I do want to make a point by this 'new me'. I want my wife to really grasp the differing magnitude between being married to a man she loves and being married to a man she possesses.  As a result, I haven't done too many chores like making the bed, opening a car door, cooking her a meal, etc.  I am sure my actions have saddened her but I know she understands.  I know she sees the beauty embedded into a healthy FLR. For the first time ever I think she is getting it.

 Oddly, we are not at odds with one another. In fact, we are closer now than we have been in months. I can feel it (or maybe I'm just imagining it). Last night we made out just before dozing off We talked; we embraced. We slept the entire night virtually intertwined and it was Katie who was all over ME!  I loved it. I can feel her passion and it fuels mine. Prior to going upstairs to bed we read from the Femdom 101, RWDDH and Femdom Think Tank blogs. We discussed several posts. We talked about some of what Katie read earlier in the day.  What is so refreshing was our conversation. It wasn't a one-way conversation. I talked, she talked, we read together. God I hope we can continue doing this kind of thing. 

 I'm aching to be under her firm rule once more. I know she will always be the same woman deep inside. I only hope she will be a more decisive, knowledgeable, and better equipped leader this time around.  I do believe she is sincerely trying to understand what makes me tick.  As so many blogs have noted, us males are pretty predictable as to our common point of vulnerability. I think Katie is starting to see the true power she holds as a woman. I think she is starting to get it. I asked if she is still considering reaching out to a possible mentor. "When I'm done reading, I think I might," she responded. I about had a myocardial infarction!

 I stumbled on a blog posting in the RWDDH blog about hypnosis.  When it was originally posted I read the title and then blew it off. I shouldn't have. It's a good read. It's a powerful read. I read the first few paragraphs alone and then asked if I could read it aloud. She snuggled into me and together we worked our way through it.  We talked about the self confidence 'this kind of a woman' needed to have in order to feel comfortable speaking this way to her husband. We discussed the ideas presented.  At one point I confessed: now if you were saying those words while doing what she suggested you do I would be be beyond putty in your hands.

 And that night she experimented with me, just a little. I could feel myself succumbing to her feminine power.

 For the past few mornings Katie has hopped out of bed as soon as the alarm sounded. Normally she does that at times, but to do so so many mornings in sequence is jut not her. I also know mornings are typically her time to be intimate.  I'm putting two and two together. Hmmm. Today before heading off to work she asked if I had shaved and grabbed by crotch to indicate exactly where she was referring. "Nope." (it's one of those "I'm not doing this since I'm not your sub" rebellions).  "Well I'm not getting close to that itchy thing then," she responded.  I guess she's playing the game as well. HA!!  I love it! I like seeing her rise to the occasion. She's not a wimp; something I always knew and loved about her.

 What our future holds I cannot say. I can say that my honesty and the freedom I've felt to speak my mind since our weekend discussion about me not submitting anymore seems to have opened doors that have been, so far, stuck shut.  I'll teasingly say, "now if I had a mistress I would....." or "whenever I find a real mistress willing to subdue me I'll......"  I've felt free to speak my mind and Katie has been more open to listening and verbalizing as well. She speaks of not being sure just how to go about this. I keep harping on the need to keep the dialog going, for her to keep talking, for her to speak her mind, and for us to not ignore a way of doing things without seriously considering or giving it a try for a period of time.

 I don't know her timetable. I don't know if there will be a price to pay for my 'rebellion' or for my refusal to do some of the 'chores' I know I should be doing. Indeed there may be. 

 To be continued
  
I'm so very Hers

Sunday, March 25, 2018

When the ‘you know what’ hits the fan


Today was D-day at the Katie-house.  If you have been reading this blog for the past 18 months or so I’m sure you sensed or observed a change in tone as to the goings on inside my head and with the dominant/submissive relationship Katie and I share.  I hesitated to post these kinds of post but don’t want readers to think that every D/s relationship flows without bumps and issues.  Ours hasn’t despite how good things have gone on the whole.  We are faulty people and as a result, things happen. It’s my hope that good will come of it all.

But back to today…… After the last post I confronted my wife. I told her I was struggling with her lack of active leadership. I wasn’t functioning well under it. This morning I decided – yes, I topped from the bottom – that we were done. I told her as much in the morning.  Over coffee we talked – mostly I talked – about how much closer our dominant-submissive relationship has helped us remain close. And it has. It’s done so in a million different ways.  However, I came to the conclusion that much of the energy has come from me. By energy I mean the gumption to keep us going. To keep our dominant and submissive sides going. And at the core, me being the one to do that is wrong. My role is to follow, not lead. My role is to open my heart when she wants to know what’s going on inside and not be the one leading discussions and pushing her to consider things from a Mistress/sub perspective. In summary, I felt as if much of the energy to keep our D/s relationship alive was coming from the wrong person.

But I confessed that I needed to live under her authority. And I do. I need her leadership. I explained just how important it is to me to know and feel and see she’s in charge. I told her I don’t function well when there is no sense of leadership coming from her lips. 

There’s something so alluring when around that kind of a woman.  It’s intoxicatingly powerful.  We agreed our marriage is significantly different than the marriages of other couples around us. There is a level of depth and openness that others don’t have. I’m not like the average male. I’m completely dependent on her in so many ways – and all of that is wonderfully good. We are very close and that closeness is an byproduct of my dependence on her. I call her if I want to use the credit card to buy a meal. I ask if it’s OK to turn on the dishwasher. I ask her throughout the day what, if anything, she might want. I think about what I need to make for dinner and of course sexual thoughts constantly rack my brain while I’m both home and away.

But we get hung up on the leadership aspect.  As a result of this continual cycle we’ve completed, I told her I needed to step back. I want her to think through it all. I wanted her to contemplate what it means to truly lead. When she’s ready, I will submit but I only want to do so when she’s ready to really take control.  I told her I wasn’t going to lock. I wasn’t going to shave. I might not cook her breakfast or do those submissive things where I intentionally go out of my way. I wasn’t going to do those things her submissive normally does.  Why? Because I’m not her sub. Not for now. Not for the next few days.

We kept talking. I read her email responses from mistresses I reached out to more than a year ago. I think she listened and read them again with ‘different’ ears. I have encouraged her to reach out to a woman who might mentor or help. Katie expressed feelings of being stuck. Of not knowing quite what to do but also not knowing how to put all that into words. She doesn’t know what to write in an email request. I figured as much but hold hope she might find the words to write and take that step of faith. I read her an email from the RWDDH author who graciously replied to one of my ‘help me’ emails.  After reading her thoughts Katie decided to read her book. I hope it helps.

We talked about communication. We talked about filling each other’s emotional tanks. We actually had a great discussion. I shared about Kathy and John and how they converse often with her sitting in her chair and him kneeling by her feet. I read parts of a few posts where she mentioned putting her husband on his knees to keep him from remaining mute when she knew he had things to say. I shared part of the most recent post from Woman in Control and we discussed active involvement – even if what she was doing didn’t coincide with Katie’s interest. We talked about not dismissing certain acts or components to many FLR just because they didn’t seem comfortable at the present.  We talked about consequences and the need for her to maintain leverage. She asked me what I wanted from her and I gave her my wish list. We talked; we finally really talked and it was so very good!

Later that day we went shopping today – window shopping mostly. On our way back I asked if she wanted to share a late lunch with me – going Dutch of course. I told her I wasn’t going to pay for her meal, but just mine. We both smiled.  Over lunch I confessed the one thing I noticed about the tone of our conversation and of her words is just how much she wants to remain the dominant wife in our marriage. She wants me to recommit. In fact, she wanted me to re-submit an hour or so after I dropped the bombshell news. But I refused. It was too soon.  As I sat across from her at this restaurant and noted the desire to remain at the helm I could so easily see. As I spoke tears welled up inside, coming from some deep part inside. I almost started to cry and I normally am not a crying sort of guy.  But, I love this woman. I need to live under this woman’s strength. I really do. And what pleased me beyond words was knowing she wanted a submissive husband to supervise and be there to take care of her.

We’re not out of the woods yet. We haven’t even put our hiking shoes back on after taking this short break. The next few weeks will be critical. The words of Mistress Misato will remain vivid in my thoughts during this period. Part of her advice to me in late 2016 was “to focus on being the extreme gentleman. Set aside, for now, your desire for discipline and her erotic power and just become an eager servant to your wife.”

I can do that while I wait for her to sit me down at some future time and once more take control of this submissive man who wants to serve a woman who will hopefully be in complete control. Till next time

I’m Hers


Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Why?


The last post reflected a submissive husband’s frustration with a wife who doesn’t lead her home as a dominant woman ought.  To a degree I can identify with his frustration.  I also live in a home where I am subject to my wife’s authority. At times she rules well and I live a happy and contented life as her sub. At other times she regresses to that old way – that way she lived for more than three decades while maintaining her home and performing most, if not all of the necessary chores.

During the past few weeks we’ve had guests. One event was for a group of women while we hosted family for a few days’ two weeks later.  During those two events my wife took the approach of the ‘old’ Katie’, for the majority of the time.  I wanted to write this post, not to complain for her inability to use me to the best of my ability, but rather to highlight the undo stress to which she subjects herself because she doesn’t view me as one who should work on her behalf and because she doesn’t take time to thoughtfully plan out an approach to eliminate the stress associated with her already busy life.

I believe in the premise that employees will do only what their employers require and no more.  The same can be said for children, for students, for athletes, or with any person (or group of people) working or living under another’s authority.  Submissive men are no different. They will do what they are told but they need to be told. Just like employees, kids, students and athletes, they need to be led. 

I came home from work yesterday and my wife gladly pointed out, “I cleaned the back bedroom and the dining room”. Today she let me know, “I can’t clean the last bedroom until tomorrow.”  Internally I shook my head and wondered “Why, why, why?” I continue to be befuddled. I sometimes remind her,  “You know, I can do that for you. All you need to do is ask.”  But mostly I watch as history’ repeats itself. I watch as her stress levels rise. I watch as she continues to do too many chores. I observe her angst increase but I’ve come to the understanding that if I keep offering (without being told), there will never be change. 

Leaders need to learn how to lead. They need to learn to let go and delegate to others. 

I’m sure there are reasons why the wife of the man mentioned in the last post hesitates to really take control of her man and her marriage. I’m sure there are reasons why my wife follows a somewhat similar path.  But as her husband, and one who finds UNTOLD happiness and contentment – NOT IN DOING THE WORK ITSELF BUT because he thrives on being LED, CONTROLLED and TOLD WHAT TO DO WHILE HE LABORS ON HER BEHALF. The difference is immense. It's one thing to do a chore. It's an entirely another to be pushed to do five chores, or to be suddenly told that I want you do to this too even though she knows he's tired.

I ache inside when she chooses the ‘I’ll be nice to him' route and allows me to do less rather than making me do more. Why does she allow me to spend time on the computer when she could have me kneeling and massaging her feet, engaging her in conversation, rubbing her back or getting something productive done? I know she’s trying to be considerate when she asks, ‘how late do you want to sleep in?” but to a submissive husband being nice is no longer my love language. Rather it's statements like “get up and go brew me a cup of coffee. Have it ready by the time I get downstairs. Or sit down on the ground and massage my feet and calves. Or a million other tasks or jobs of affection. 

Now, to be fair, as a part of our house cleaning in preparation for guests I asked one morning what she wanted me to do. She followed that with a nice statement which included cleaning every bathroom, getting towels out for guests, vacuuming the bedrooms, cleaning the kitchen floor, washing sheets and remaking the beds. When she finished, I thought, “Dang! Now there’s a plan for my day.  I can do that!”  And so I did.

I wondered what she was thinking as time marched on in the evening. She was relaxing with a glass of wine while watching TV while I scrubbed the last of the bathrooms and finished up washing and drying sheets.  Did she enjoy knowing all this was getting done and she was actually doing NOTHING? Did she mind me working on these chores – after I had already cooked her a nice meal and spent several hours on a house project?  Did she mind knowing the house would now be more manageable after having over half of it readied for guests? Did she think, 'ahh, I love that he's doing all of this for me'?

She didn’t tell me and so I really don’t know, but my suspicion is she enjoyed it thoroughly. What baffles me is why that attitude doesn’t reveal itself the next day and the next and the next. One would think she'd want to encourage that kind of attitude and production out of her husband rather than discourage it. You'd think she'd want to see what more he could do for her; what more he can offer; what more he can give sacrificially. You'd think she'd want to practice being a leader. You'd think she'd want to teach him what it means to submit. You'd think she'd want to train him to put her and her desires first. 

Why women of submissive men don’t grab the bull by the horns and relax in the enjoyment of their sub’s labors I will never figure.  But….. the requirement to leading is making the decision to control and dictate to him what he will do for her. It’s letting the husband know on no uncertain terms that ‘I want this done now or else’. It’s following up the list of ‘to do’ items with an inspection in which she approves or points out what he didn’t do or didn't do right.  

There is a vast difference between a woman who constructs ‘honey-do’ lists and one who actually leads.  The former builds a list and if something doesn't get done responds by nagging and complaining. She doesn’t provide consequences and she doesn't garner his respect. The latter insists. The latter hands out consequences. The latter critiques. The latter makes him do it over until it’s done right. The latter affirms. The latter builds upon her dominance day after day. The latter lets her husband know he’s loved but also that he lives to serve her. The latter tests the waters to see what more she can do for him, knowing her active involvement as his mistress fills a need in his life. The latter is hands on - not hands off.

The man in the last post noted her lack of leadership resulted in him not having enough fuel to keep going.  For me, it is that as well, but it’s also a hurt I have for my precious wife who continues to make the choice to go down a path I wish she’d jump off once and for all.  Not only is she adding unnecessary stress and hassle to her life but she’s refusing to lead me in a way I crave. 

Ladies, do you want to change? May I offer a recipe to get you where you will BOTH be so much happier? Here’s a suggestion to get you started: 

Find a quiet place. Sit down with your coffee or herbal tea along with a pen and paper and plan out the next few days/week.

Ask yourself: What needs doing in this house or in the yard? What projects have I (or him) been putting off? What kinds of attentive things would I love him to do for me? Write down all that comes to mind.

Ask yourself: What on this list can he do and when can he do it? Write his name next to every task he is capable of doing. Then plan out a schedule for him to complete each task. The little that is left might be what you do – or what you teach him to do at some future time.

Ask yourself: Now that I don’t have to do these tasks, what would I love to do with my free time? 

Finally think through your role as HIS mistress-wife and consider: What can I do to keep my hubby happy while he does all this work for me? Meaning: How can I spur him on? How can I present this list of chores to him in a dominant way? What do I need to remember to do when he tells me he is finished? How should I go about critiquing his efforts from an ‘I’m dominant’ and you are my slave' (so to speak) attitude?  It is this last part which will provide fuel to keep him going and hopefully serve as a fun time for you as you watch his little soldier come to attention, knowing he loves your involvement and loves you being this way. You might want to grab onto his little soldier for added impact or expose it just so you can grin and watch the change he cannot hide.  You can’t hide biology. LOL

Or…… you can continue doing things the old way and busy your day with needless chores and allow your husband to do less, pay you less attention, use his time carelessly, not do what he should be doing and come to respect you and your authority less.  The choice is yours.

Hesitant wives, please heed the wise words of this post :)

I'm Hers

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Response to a letter of inquiry


 I love when I open my blog-email and find an email from a man or woman who live similarly to the way Katie and I do.  Last week I received such an email.  A middle aged man wrote.  He and his wife have been married for 30 + years. Their marriage had fallen into disrepair and he eventually proposed chastity and a female-led relational style as a way of helping them through this difficult period.  Now they are confronted with a different issue. Below is an abridged version of his inquiry.

……. hopefully it will make more sense as I describe the most difficult issue we face.    My sense is it's likely an issue that other couples face. The issue is "adequacy", and more particularly, a feeling that she needs to take on behaviors and attitudes which show dominance in order to fulfill her responsibilities. 

The problem isn't that she do more but that these expectations say her natural non-dominant self "isn't enough".  Rightfully, she pushes back on any added expectations being put on her from our FLR.  She wants, and I believe she's entitled to, the relationship being on her terms.

My issue is that it takes added energy from me to sustain her happiness as the priority over my own, and I need the added "fuel" which comes from her through her sexualizing otherwise ordinary daily interactions with a measure of dominance and control.  I worry that I'm eventually going to "run out of gas" on being the submissive in our relationship without her demonstrating more dominance.

After reading his email I wrote asking for more clarification. He responded by summarizing his above thoughts with two questions.

Do you think there is a way for both the woman and the man to become and stay happy in a FLR if the woman doesn't act dominant and controlling, at least occasionally?  

My answer: NO

If a wife's self-image is that she isn't a dominant or controlling person, but her husband nonetheless asks her to be one (or act like one) as part of being the leader in a FLR, then do you think he's telling her that she isn't enough?

My answer: I can’t see how he can’t be telling her she isn’t enough.

My impression of this couple’s particular quandary is that much, if not all, of the FLR focus came from him.  I didn’t get the feeling that she wanted this. She agreed to his chastity but agreeing to it, and embracing it is quite different. There were quite a few ‘I did’ ‘I asked’ ‘I suggested’, etc. in his initial email.  I’m not so sure his wife has embraced her new role as the leader of their marriage although I do feel that she has enjoyed this new ‘submissive’ husband of hers that now does more for her. It’s my opinion that she hasn’t fully understood the opportunity presented her. That opportunity being so much more freedom, happiness and closeness with her husband.

I live under the loving dominance of a woman similar to this woman. Katie is in many ways the antithesis of the classic dominant wife. She’s loving and caring and wants what is best for me. She doesn’t yell, or for that matter, even raise her voice. But she is in charge and there is no denying her word is final. She doesn’t bring up dominant/submissive topics but she is willing to talk about them when I do. She loves me taking care of her but has no desire to push me to my limits.

I am not certain but I believe this wife is associating dominance with ‘meanness’ or ‘humiliating’ her husband to some degree.  I’m sure a dominant woman can be that way but she doesn’t need to. She can lead while still being sweet and kind. Here is a recent example to illustrate:  Last night I didn’t get home from work until after 8. I called while driving and asked Katie if she had eaten. “No, I decided to wait and let you fix me something.”  There was no malice in her words but her comment spoke volumes. “You’re going to cook me dinner even though it’s going to be a late one.” She let me know who was in charge and I followed her statement by asking what it was she wanted me to fix her.

She makes statements like these all the time. Never are they "in your face" comments but each one reinforces the previous with the same message. “I’m in charge. You will obey me. Period.”

“My car needs gas. Make sure you get some for it today.”
When the waiter asks us what we’ll be drinking: “We’ll both be having unsweet ice teas with lemon.”
“It’s bed time, come up with me.”
“Make sure you lock up today.”
“The grass needs mowing before Friday.”
“I ordered ‘this’ from Amazon today.”
“I transferred $300 from the checking into the savings account.”
“Here’s your allowance.”
“I have a dentist appointment on Thursday. Remind me two hours before the appointment.”
“Put this on your calendar. “I’m having lunch with Deb on April 2 at 11:30”

I could go on and on but in each of the above statements there is the expression of dominance.  It’s not an overpowering control but each statement implies control. The statements are simply that. They are natural manifestations of her gentle personality expressed in an ‘I’m in charge and I know it’s your role to take care of me” way.

I love when she’s like this.  I love knowing she’s in charge. I love being the husband who lives to serve his wife. I believe this gentleman who wrote loves his wife expressing herself in a similar fashion. He has ‘grown’ to need her leadership.  Her leadership completes him and enables him to be more of who God created him to be.

If I could impart one nugget of wisdom to his wife it would be this: Your husband wants to serve you. He wants to please you. He wants to deny himself so you can have more and enjoy more. He wants you to feel loved. He wants to pamper you and make your life easier.  And all of that takes time and effort and a ton of mental energy. He will think about you all the time because of this new life he has embraced but he requires something from you. He doesn’t require you to dress in leather or wait for the time he messes up so you can beat his butt red but he does need something. He needs you to tell him what you want. He needs you to be direct – not mean, simply direct. He also needs you to use your sexuality as a means of motivating him every now and again.  Is it so hard to grab his crotch and smile and look him in the eye and tell him you love watching him do his chores? Is it so hard to give him a hug and press your groin into his chastity cage and remind him ‘that this’ belongs to me now?  Is it so hard to be intimate and remind him he’s not to orgasm, or not do so until you tell him?  Is it so hard to send him a ‘frisky’ text?

It’s the small acts of kindness on her part that will pay dividends for him for hours after.  He will work 2, 3, maybe 4 hours for her. All he needs to remain working at his best is maybe 5 minutes of her telling him (rather than asking him) what he is to do and give him a treat that requires maybe 10 -20 seconds of her time. 

And…… can’t both his and her attitude be one of “isn’t this fun"? Don’t you love living this way? Isn’t it great that we can be and act this way as a couple?” After all, this is the person who you love more than any other.

Finally, my advice for him is this: be patient. You’ve only been living this way for a year or so.  Keep the dialog open. Keep encouraging. Don’t nag. Do your best. Treat her like the ‘mistress’ she is.  Address her respectfully. Let your submission reveal itself to others, not because you tote along like a dog on a leash, but because you open doors, you help her on with her coat, you wait patiently while she shops, you carry her packages and push the shopping cart, you defer questions others ask by looking to her for a decision (meaning….. hey, do you want to come over tomorrow and watch the game?  Your response should always be, I’ll talk it over with my wife and get back to you – or ‘I need to see if it’s OK with my wife’ or something similar.) 

It’s important that women embrace leadership. It’s unrealistic to expect him to do so much more without her taking charge.  Can a teacher teach (lead) a class of 4th graders if she doesn’t maintain control of her class? Can a parent raise a child by being their child’s peer? Can a boss maintain the respect of her employees if she acts just like they do and do the same things they do?  In each situation, the answer is an obvious ‘no’.

I’m not equating female leadership with treating the husband like a child but I do believe that for one to lead, there needs to be an obvious hierarchy in the relationship. No longer is it a peer to peer dynamic. It’s a superior/inferior one with her at the helm and him obeying as he should.  For her to expect him to do lots more without filling his need for support is no different than him being a ‘honey-do’ husband and it’s my opinion that a ‘honey-do man’ will eventually tire. 

How important is it to be married to someone you love and respect and admire and love spending time with? Isn’t a great relationship worth a little effort, a little thought, a little bit of planning to ensure it remains healthy and great?  I think it is.

I’m Hers.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Becoming who we are

Some have said that we become the people we are, partly because of the positions and roles we hold in life.  Our personalities change to some degree when we are asked to lead, to follow, to teach, to help others during tragedies, to comfort, etc.  I believe change happens when partners engage in a relationship. The personalities of both the wife and the husband change – at least somewhat - because of that agreed-upon dynamic. Those living in a vanilla relationship act differently than when single or when living within a wife led marriage.

Prior to our wife led marriage I would have told you that my primary role - or one of my significant roles - was to provide security for Katie. I viewed her as a precious gift (and still do) and one in which it was my job to make sure she was protected and secure.

Since becoming her submissive and since giving up decision making power and becoming a non-decision making entity in our relationship, my role to make her feel secure has changed. Yes she still wants me to take care of her and yes she loves when I make her feel safe but the perspective about which I am arriving at those same objectives has changed.  Before it was from a position of authority.

“Stand behind me and I’ll take care of this.”  “Katie, get in the car. I’ll handle this.”  Back then I protected her with the assumption that if I told her to do something she’d do it.  That was before. Now things are different.  Now there is an almost unspoken understanding that she is responsible for me. I do the chores she wishes not to do. I fetch things for her. I ask several times a day, “Is there anything I can get for you Sweetheart?” or,”Is there anything I can do for you Mistress?” As a result of living as her submissive – and what I mean by that is living for several years in a relationship in which we both realize she’s the one who makes most of the household decisions – I have come to rely on her more while she's come to depend on me less.  Should situations arise where I need to protect Katie I’ll still take that initiative but my words will reflect who I am to her. “Why don’t you let me take care of this,” or “Don’t you think I should handle this why you wait in the car?”

The results are the same but the attitude in which I approach the situation differs.  I will protect her but not because I’m the alpha. I protect because I am the ‘beta’ – the submissive one whose role it is to look out for and anticipate her needs. The outcome is the same but way we get there is now different.

I am certain my need for Katie has grown over the years. I don’t see myself as being any weaker but rather more dependent. I see her as my source of security. I see her as the one who looks out for me. I never viewed her in that light prior to submitting. Because I have stepped back and relinquished leadership responsibilities I have become more dependent. I ask questions reflecting that change in our dynamic..

I ask the “Do you mind if I …..” and the “Is it OK if I …..” or the  “May I ….." questions all the time.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked, “Do you mind if I throw a load of wash in before we head out? Can I turn on the dishwasher now? Do you think I should mow the lawn before putting down grass seed? Do I have time to straighten up before we go? What color shirt do you want me to wear?”

I could go on and on.  It all boils down to me being considerate.  I don’t want her to feel put out. I want to do things her way.  And after being this way for so long, I have become more dependent. She decides. I usually don’t.

Maybe it is because she controls the finances. Maybe it’s because she decides how our sex life will play out. Maybe it’s because she tells me what chores need to be done this week. Maybe it’s because she tells me what she wants to eat the day before I plan the shopping list. Maybe it’s because all of this has caused our respective marriage roles to shift.

Our wife led marriage has also brought about a psychological shift. Although she continually tells me I make her feel safe and secure I would contend she fills a security void I didn’t have (or know existed) at the start of our relationship. The dependency came about because she became more authoritative and me more deferential. Like I mentioned at the start of this post, we often assume a personality that fits the role we hold.

Maybe female lead relationships bring out a man's gentler side; or at least a more considerate one. Maybe it forces him to be more vulnerable. Maybe it compels him to wrestle with parts of his personality the average Joe can suppress. So much of our life goes into putting on differing facades depending on our social situation. We act ‘this way’ when with our parents and ‘that way’ when with our childhood friends and still ‘another way’ when in a group where we know no one. There is a reason why we change. We do so because we are insecure. We do so because we feel a need to conform. We do so because we don't want to stand out. We do so for a myriad of reasons.

I don't know if Katie would completely agree but since she has become the head of our home she has been forced to be a stronger, more confident, more decisive version of herself. Although she still wants to feel my strength and security she has the added role of being responsible for mine. It’s a role assumed by the head of any household. It’s what a leader does. She decides; she wrestles with my issues; she guides our relationship; she maintains my submission. The result is twofold: I’ve become more dependent because I have to trust more. She has become more independent in her leading/supervisory role.

I’m Hers

Monday, January 8, 2018

Guest Post: Better Get Used to It

This is the third of what I hope will not be the last from my friend Katie Christian. Enjoy!
 .......................................

In my role as the head of our home, I feel it is my responsibility to keep things from becoming stagnant. As I see it, since he is not allowed to say no, and must follow my lead then I have nobody but myself to blame if our dominant/submissive relationship becomes stale. My remedy for this is that I push his and my boundaries by trying new things, even if I have reservations about them ever becoming a permanent part of our understanding.
 
I rarely inform him ahead of time unless I think the anticipation of the event would add something to it for him or me. I do allow him to express his thoughts or concerns to me respectfully, but after listening I usually let him know that I have heard his concerns, but we are moving forward with it anyhow. Sometimes, I just try it without warning.
 
So, there is a growing list of things we have tried. Some I have chosen to continue to practice. Some he found so distasteful I only use them as a threat. Some I have enjoyed or seen the benefit of that it has now become a part of our lifestyle.  

Each experiment results in one of the following:

If we will likely never do it again I will tell him it was a one-off.
If it is something I would enjoy on a limited basis I tell him it is now another tool in my toolbox.

If I really liked it and plan to “visit it” again soon, I usually say “better get used to it”.
 
For some time, he had been asking for me to introduce spanking into our time together, something that quite honestly provided little interest to me. I have no desire to humiliate or injure my husband.
But you know, we all change. I can’t tell you what it was, but it seemed that the idea of my husband making himself so vulnerable to me began to hold some appeal. I found myself thinking about it often.  As I gave it more thought I determined it would not be in my best interest to connect this with transgression on his part because if he enjoyed the experience than it could motivate him to do wrong just to induce the punishment. Does that make sense?
 
When I finally decided to give it a try I grabbed a cup of coffee and asked him to meet me in the dining room. I had him kneel on the floor in front of me, so I could look into his eyes as I communicated my thoughts.  I never expected the feeling of power, or the rush I would feel having my husband kneel before me as I calmly talked about giving his bare bottom a thrashing. I talked in a very matter of fact way, choosing carefully each word pausing often to measure the response in his eyes.

I extended the conversation with numerous sips of coffee allowing my words to sink in. It was strangely beautiful to be talking so calmly to my husband about spanking him. Was I getting excited? I know he was.

He honestly seemed embarrassed as he squirmed to adjust to his erection growing in his cage.
I am sure he hoped that the event would quickly follow, but I felt this is one of those times that the anticipation of it held a certain value. I simply told him when I am in the right mood I would let him know.
 
I was surprised that I found my anticipation growing. At least it would be fun to say that I had done it once.
 
I decided the day would be a Friday in case he needed a day or two to adjust to a sore bottom before going back to work. Friday morning I sent him a text letting him know that as soon as he got home from work and before he started with supper, I was going to warm his bottom. He had all day to think about it.
 
When he walked through the door that evening the expression on his face was priceless. I said nothing, I just walked up to him and began to kiss him passionately for several minutes. Then like a wife leading her husband into the bedroom to make love, I took his hand and led him into the bedroom to spank him.  When we entered the bedroom I simply told him to take off his belt and hand it to me, let his pants drop to the floor, and bend over my side of the bed. When his face hit the bed it was on the spot that cradled my bottom when I slept. I just think that was rather poignant.
 
I was caught off guard by the feelings going through me. I found my heart racing and my face flushed. I sincerely had no idea why I felt this way. I am not sure if it was because it went against my principles, because I felt embarrassed for this grown man being so exposed and vulnerable or if it was something else. But I was determined to go through with what I promised. The poor dear was probably wondering what is she doing back there for so long?
 
The first swing of the belt was, well embarrassing. I barely hit him. The way he jumped it was obvious he expected it to be harder. We both laughed.

The next was a little harder. I had to make adjustments so I could get a better angle and get a better swing, but I soon got into a rhythm.  I hadn’t planned how many times I would hit him, I just figured I would keep going until I wanted to stop. But I found myself wanting to keep going!
Though he was only squirming a little, it felt proper to reach up and hold him to the bed as I belted him.

During the entire process, I never spoke a word. I was intrigued at the marks the belt started to make, the sounds he was starting to make, the spectacle of this big strong man allowing me to beat him just because I wanted to, and the feelings I was starting to have. I started to enjoy this, I mean really ENJOY it. It excited me. I honestly don’t know how many times I hit him but it had to be near 100. I stopped, not because I was done, but because I wanted to start something else. I told him to stay where he was as I unwrapped the belt from my hand and slid my yoga pants down before sitting in the chair across the room. As I breathe heavily and stared at my handy work my fingers found their way . . .
 
15 minutes later I told him he could get up and start dinner. "Oh, and by the way. You better get used to it."

Monday, January 1, 2018

Are Erotic thoughts Sinful?

A few weeks ago I received the following comment: 

You describe yourself as a Christian in his mid fifties. I am also. My question is how do you see these thoughts and feelings about being submissive to our wives from a biblical standpoint ? The Bible tells us to love our wives as Christ loves the church and certainly that means our love for her should be sacrificial in nature. It should also be life-giving, freeing her up to live her life to her full God-given potential and to fully bloom in all ways. Certainly male submission plays a key role in this. To be willing to lay our lives down, to lay all perceived rights down, for her sake to fully devote ourselves to advancing her interests and do all we can to help her get what she desires most out of life should be the goal. I think the tricky part is when serving her leads us to erotic thoughts and feelings that in fact give us pleasure. At that point are we serving her or ourselves? And is the pleasure we feel pure or of a selfish nature . I am struggling to sort this all out in my own mind and would like to know your thoughts. 

I enjoy comments like this, if for nothing else, because it makes me think. You may disagree with my response and I welcome your thoughts but I'm going to share mine.

I believe the purpose of the Bible is to give us some insight into who God is. I believe it's story begins with perfection (Genesis 1 & 2) and ends in the final chapter of Revelation even more perfectly.  Between those two bookends are examples of life filled with pain and hurt and disappointment and a thousand other woes.  Interspersed are glimpses of what was and what is to come.  I believe the primary purpose of the Bible is to help us understand the profound impact sin had in separating you and I from God. I believe it explains why there needed to be a 'Christmas' and an 'Easter'. We were doomed without Jesus' entry into our fallen world.  

I do not believe the purpose of the Bible is to tell us all about sex.

But when God made man and woman, he made them perfectly. He was pleased with his work in Genesis. In creating both male and female he gave us the gift of sex and I believe he intended us to enjoy sex.  There is nothing dirty, nothing sinful, nothing wrong with sex within the confines of marriage.

Within a marriage relationship, I believe God loves us having erotic thoughts about our partner.  Solomon wrote a love poem known as the Song of Solomon.  It's a poem and although I don't get into all of the symbolism of poetry in genera there is a pretty clear message in this one: He is hot about her and she is just as hot about him.  I mean, Solomon isn't talking about her personality. He's honed in on her physical attributes. He describes her hair, her face, her form, her breasts. The man is horny!

The question by the person who wrote the comment above wondered if it's OK to feel horny, to have erotic thoughts.  My answer: absolutely!!!  When I tell Katie how beautiful she is, I'm not doing so because I'm checking out her knee caps.  Not a chance.  It's her more erotic features that typically attract the attention of my eye, and my desire.  Want to know what they are? Read the 4th chapter of the Song of Solomon (see end of post).  Katie's lips (because I love kissing them); her face (because I love touching it and admiring her smile and beautiful eyes); her body (because it is completely feminine her figure is still fabulous, even at her age; her breasts (because.... well just because :)  ).  When I tell Katie she's beautiful I'm thinking physical and sexual! 

After reading this post to Katie for approval she brought up the topic of erotic thoughts as a Christian.  "If it's wrong for sex and thinking about sex to be wrong, then why did God make women with the ability to have multiple orgasms? Why did he make sex pleasureable?"  Great questions and I believe the answer as at least some to do with how God intended sex to be - enjoyable. 

I could diverge here, but won't in thinking about why women were equipped to handle multiple orgasms but men only one (without having at least some down time).  

Where I think things go wrong is that same 'admiration' is extended with erotic, lustful intent to women who you have no right to. Porn addiction is a prime example of that same admiration for a woman's physical body, gone wrong.  That woman should be off limits. Drawing one's mind to that hot babe with the quadruple D, medically enhanced breasts and lipo-suctioned butt isn't what makes my wife happy.  Instead it will earn me a punishment and an admonishment.

One of the benefits to living as my wife's submissive has been the change in my psyche. My attention is to be devoted to one person primarily: her. She wants me to admire her body. She wants me to love her body. She wants me to long to be near her. She wants my eye to admire the curve of her cheek and the line of her jaw. She wants me to compliment her on her outfit and tell her how hot I think her perfume smells.  She wants me to lust after her. She has no desire for me to have those same feelings with women I see at work, or who live next door.  

Because she's taken the time to put a cage on my cock. Because she's mandated I deny myself until she's ready for me to release; because she's told me I'll obey her; because I vowed to serve her above all others, she knows without doubt that I am her treasure. She loves being called mistress because it reveals my submission and the 'goddess' level of reverence to which I hold her in my minds-eye.  She desires my lust. It makes her feel secure. 

And all of it is healthy in maintaining marital intimacy and keeping our minds centered on one another.  That kind of love is special indeed. That kind of love is cultivated by a continual 'Song of Solomon' horniness for one another and I think God is pleased with that level of marital fidelity.

Love to hear your thoughts

I'm Hers 


An edited (shortened) version of the Song of Solomon, Chapter 4 New Century Version

The Man Speaks to the Woman

How beautiful you are, my darling!
    Oh, you are beautiful!
Your eyes are like .....
    Your hair is like .....
Your teeth are like .......
  
Your lips are like .......
    and your mouth is lovely.
Your cheeks are like ...........
Your neck is like .........
    
Your breasts are like ........
Until the day dawns
    
I will go to that mountain of myrrh
    and to that hill of incense.
My darling, everything about you is beautiful,
    and there is nothing at all wrong with you.
Come with me .......
My bride, you have thrilled my heart;
you have thrilled my heart
    with a glance of your eyes,
    with one sparkle from your necklace.
10 Your love is so sweet, ....
    Your love is better than wine,
    and your perfume smells 'wonderful'.
11 My bride, your lips drip honey;
12 My bride, you are like a garden....