Sunday, July 15, 2018
In recent months I’ve begun kneeling and saying a pledge to my wife. In that pledge, I say many things. I say them with sincerity and honesty. I do so because I thought through what I wanted to say when I wrote those words down last spring. For me, my pledge of submission has meaning - lots of meaning - lots of heartfelt meaning.
I sat outside in the summer heat after doing my daily routine of push-ups and thought about those words. I realized that of all the things I pledge, it's me who makes the choice as to whether or not those statements hold true or not - but there is one exception. There is one statement I make about which I have no control.
I pledge to submit, obey, serve and view her as the head of our home. I make the promise to support and validate her decisions. I tell her how much I love, honor, respect, adore and express my level of devotion. I pledge to live each day knowing my role is to serve and offer myself to her. But the one thing I cannot do is belong. I can’t belong to her and yet I tell her, “I belong to you.”
It’s interesting to think about that statement. I can want to belong but I can’t make that happen. I may love the English World Cup soccer team (I don’t but it makes a good example) but that doesn’t make me belong. I may read about them every day. I may blog about them to the world. I may even know some of the players but even then, it doesn’t mean I belong. In order to belong, I need to be wanted and put on their payroll and have the honor of wearing their uniform. Being on the team is the only way for me to 'belong'.
The same holds true with regard to me belonging to Katie. In order to belong, I need to be wanted. I need to be needed. She needs to want me and want my service and obedience. She needs to want me to work on her behalf in whatever way she wishes. Katie has to want to be the one in charge and make sure I serve her to the level she expects. But in the process of belonging, I need to be coached and trained and lead and instructed and disciplined and taught, in the same way, I would and I’ve been drafted to be on the English national soccer team until I understood what it is she expects. In a way, it takes that kind of effort on her part on her part for me to become someone who understands her inside and out and who will value me as an extension of her.
I’ve spoken at nauseum about my frustration of not getting all I need from Katie. That frustration led to me getting angry and throwing up my arms and telling her I’m done. Out of that, we talked, and once more bonded. And that happened fairly quickly because we are a couple who remains deeply in love and forever committed. But beyond knowing her unquestioning love, I want to be hers. Submissively belonging is a different animal. It just is. I can’t explain it. I don’t fully understand it but I know deep inside I have a visceral need to know and feel that I’m hers. I need to feel her possessiveness and know she wants every part of me. And for whatever reason, it's more than knowing I am loved. It’s that desire to know that she WANTS me as her sub - it’s that hope she will want to dominate and push me to love and serve and go above and beyond.
But I can’t make her take me. That’s completely up to her. I may hope she does. I may hope to one day be dominated. I may want her to control every part of me and seek to understand my deepest thoughts but only she can make that happen. And at the heart of my frustration, this past spring was the powerless feeling because she wouldn’t..
A few weeks ago Lady Gray commented on a post. In that post she kind of dared Katie to not reward me for completing expected chores but rather change those expectations to me doing them all 'or else'. She suggested Katie render consequences - not physical ones - but rather ones in which she removed privileges.
I came to the conclusion that the reason I’m not disciplined or corrected or made to do something I did halfway, the right way, is because I don’t think I truly belong to her. I think Katie believes I do and in most aspects of our lives, I would agree. She controls our finances and what money I have access to. She determines when and how we have sex. She determines my releases and whether or not I’m locked. She decides how we will spend our day and where we will go and what we will do. She has no problem speaking her mind about most things. She tells me when she wants to eat and fully expects me to meet that need.
But belonging completely to another means nothing (within reason) is off limits. For example, Katie Christian told her husband in so many words that if he masturbated while unlocked he’d regret his actions (see part 2 of ‘The Cruise post). When John from Femdom 101 needs to be quieted Kathy snaps her fingers and he immediately drops to his knees and remains there until he is released. Diane, has told her husband his former easy-chair no longer belongs to him and he is not to ever use it. I’m pretty certain there are consequences to be had should he disobey. Hannah from A Dominant Woman has no issues about rendering consequences or removing a privilege when her husband Elliot screws up. The interesting thing about each of these couples and each of these examples is that the men in these women’s lives love both knowing their wife has this kind of power and enjoy (with a bit of fear mixed in) that she might assert that power at any time.
In each situation, these women were willing to take that extra step. I believe it’s in love that they do. They realize there is a bigger goal than the 'wrong' needing addressed. They know that their husband needs to be reminded of who is in charge. They know in some odd way the consequence rendered meets a submissive need about which she cannot fully comprehend - yet knows it does - even if the consequence won’t be pleasant. They know the act of punishing will pull them closer as a couple rather than further apart.
If I completely belonged to Katie she wouldn’t stand for some of my antics. She wouldn’t tolerate me not doing something when told. She wouldn’t stand for my absentmindedness or lack of attentiveness after telling me to remember, do, or consider something. She wouldn’t allow me to get away with not doing things she’s previously told me to do. And if I really belonged she’d feel a sense of entitlement to correct. She’d feel that way because she’d consider me as hers. She’d want to teach me and expect me to act in ways that please her. She'd want this because she'd want to use me to free her from unwanted chores or responsibilities that she'd rather not do. She wouldn't worry about hurting my feelings when demanding more. She’d feel free to add additional duties without guilt for the very reason that I’m completely hers. And if she saw me respond negatively to a demand or comment she'd feel free to openly talk and flush out my feelings to learn the truth rather than settle for an “I’m fine” answer that tells her nothing. She would reassure me that my submission requires my obedience and that obedience pleases her immensely. She would address situations as they arose to keep undesired actions and attitudes at bay and remind me my life is to first and foremost be one of devoted service to her.
She’d do that because she’d know deep inside that I belong to her and nothing less than my best is acceptable. And if I completely belonged she’d feel my love in ways yet unknown and I too would feel her love in ways I really can’t describe.
I miss not quite belonging to her in that most intimate way. Yet I can taste how close we are to taking that next step. I can only hope she decides she will and in so doing, take me completely.