Sunday, July 15, 2018

Belonging

In recent months I’ve begun kneeling and saying a pledge to my wife. In that pledge, I say many things. I say them with sincerity and honesty. I do so because I thought through what I wanted to say when I wrote those words down last spring. For me, my pledge of submission has meaning - lots of meaning - lots of heartfelt meaning.


I sat outside in the summer heat after doing my daily routine of push-ups and thought about those words. I realized that of all the things I pledge, it's me who makes the choice as to whether or not those statements hold true or not - but there is one exception. There is one statement I make about which I have no control.

I pledge to submit, obey, serve and view her as the head of our home. I make the promise to support and validate her decisions. I tell her how much I love, honor, respect, adore and express my level of devotion. I pledge to live each day knowing my role is to serve and offer myself to her.  But the one thing I cannot do is belong. I can’t belong to her and yet I tell her, “I belong to you.”

It’s interesting to think about that statement. I can want to belong but I can’t make that happen. I may love the English World Cup soccer team (I don’t but it makes a good example) but that doesn’t make me belong.  I may read about them every day. I may blog about them to the world. I may even know some of the players but even then, it doesn’t mean I belong. In order to belong, I need to be wanted and put on their payroll and have the honor of wearing their uniform. Being on the team is the only way for me to 'belong'.

The same holds true with regard to me belonging to Katie. In order to belong, I need to be wanted. I need to be needed. She needs to want me and want my service and obedience. She needs to want me to work on her behalf in whatever way she wishes. Katie has to want to be the one in charge and make sure I serve her to the level she expects. But in the process of belonging, I need to be coached and trained and lead and instructed and disciplined and taught, in the same way, I would and I’ve been drafted to be on the English national soccer team until I understood what it is she expects. In a way, it takes that kind of effort on her part on her part for me to become someone who understands her inside and out and who will value me as an extension of her.

I’ve spoken at nauseum about my frustration of not getting all I need from Katie. That frustration led to me getting angry and throwing up my arms and telling her I’m done.  Out of that, we talked, and once more bonded. And that happened fairly quickly because we are a couple who remains deeply in love and forever committed. But beyond knowing her unquestioning love, I want to be hers. Submissively belonging is a different animal. It just is. I can’t explain it. I don’t fully understand it but I know deep inside I have a visceral need to know and feel that I’m hers. I need to feel her possessiveness and know she wants every part of me. And for whatever reason, it's more than knowing I am loved. It’s that desire to know that she WANTS me as her sub - it’s that hope she will want to dominate and push me to love and serve and go above and beyond.

But I can’t make her take me. That’s completely up to her. I may hope she does. I may hope to one day be dominated. I may want her to control every part of me and seek to understand my deepest thoughts but only she can make that happen. And at the heart of my frustration, this past spring was the powerless feeling because she wouldn’t..

A few weeks ago Lady Gray commented on a post. In that post she kind of dared Katie to not reward me for completing expected chores but rather change those expectations to me doing them all 'or else'. She suggested Katie render consequences - not physical ones - but rather ones in which she removed privileges.

I came to the conclusion that the reason I’m not disciplined or corrected or made to do something I did halfway, the right way, is because I don’t think I truly belong to her. I think Katie believes I do and in most aspects of our lives, I would agree. She controls our finances and what money I have access to. She determines when and how we have sex. She determines my releases and whether or not I’m locked. She decides how we will spend our day and where we will go and what we will do. She has no problem speaking her mind about most things. She tells me when she wants to eat and fully expects me to meet that need.

But belonging completely to another means nothing (within reason) is off limits. For example, Katie Christian told her husband in so many words that if he masturbated while unlocked he’d regret his actions (see part 2 of ‘The Cruise post).  When John from Femdom 101 needs to be quieted Kathy snaps her fingers and he immediately drops to his knees and remains there until he is released. Diane, has told her husband his former easy-chair no longer belongs to him and he is not to ever use it. I’m pretty certain there are consequences to be had should he disobey. Hannah from A Dominant Woman has no issues about rendering consequences or removing a privilege when her husband Elliot screws up. The interesting thing about each of these couples and each of these examples is that the men in these women’s lives love both knowing their wife has this kind of power and enjoy (with a bit of fear mixed in) that she might assert that power at any time.  


In each situation, these women were willing to take that extra step. I believe it’s in love that they do. They realize there is a bigger goal than the 'wrong' needing addressed. They know that their husband needs to be reminded of who is in charge. They know in some odd way the consequence rendered meets a submissive need about which she cannot fully comprehend - yet knows it does - even if the consequence won’t be pleasant. They know the act of punishing will pull them closer as a couple rather than further apart.

If I completely belonged to Katie she wouldn’t stand for some of my antics. She wouldn’t tolerate me not doing something when told. She wouldn’t stand for my absentmindedness or lack of attentiveness after telling me to remember, do, or consider something.  She wouldn’t allow me to get away with not doing things she’s previously told me to do. And if I really belonged she’d feel a sense of entitlement to correct. She’d feel that way because she’d consider me as hers. She’d want to teach me and expect me to act in ways that please her. She'd want this because she'd want to use me to free her from unwanted chores or responsibilities that she'd rather not do.  She wouldn't worry about hurting my feelings when demanding more. She’d feel free to add additional duties without guilt for the very reason that I’m completely hers. And if she saw me respond negatively to a demand or comment she'd feel free to openly talk and flush out my feelings to learn the truth rather than settle for an “I’m fine” answer that tells her nothing. She would reassure me that my submission requires my obedience and that obedience pleases her immensely. She would address situations as they arose to keep undesired actions and attitudes at bay and remind me my life is to first and foremost be one of devoted service to her.


She’d do that because she’d know deep inside that I belong to her and nothing less than my best is acceptable. And if I completely belonged she’d feel my love in ways yet unknown and I too would feel her love in ways I really can’t describe.


I miss not quite belonging to her in that most intimate way. Yet I can taste how close we are to taking that next step. I can only hope she decides she will and in so doing, take me completely.


I’m Hers

4 comments:

  1. Dear IH: My husband shared your blog with me. I think I was much like your Katie for a long time - not able to get that last piece of the puzzle. Through many conversations (We did not have a pledge he had to read to me daily, but he soon will and follow it with our conversation) I discovered that his happiness required me to be strict with him. I really never wanted to take his easy chair away from him, but I tried it anyway. Although he was a bit disappointed on the outside (his favorite chair) I could see that on the inside I had given him a great gift. Being strict with our men seems contradictory to our role as care-givers. It finally dawned on me that being strict and dominant was indeed a form of deep caring for him. What I also discovered (happily) for myself was that I am a powerful woman and I enjoy my power over my husband. So for us it has been a win-win. Not sure if I am adequately sharing how I (we) feel. If it makes sense to you, please share with your Katie. I can tell from just the way you describe her that she is a very caring and loving woman who only wants what is best for you.
    Sincerely,
    Diane

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    Replies
    1. Diane, Thanks for the thoughtful response. It is my hope that Katie will finally understand what you'v come to understand about your husband and his need for firm control. I have hope but have yet to see that aspect of her leadership take shape. Of course I'm not trying to purposely act out - although sooner of later I will mess up in some way. How she responds to that will tell me much. I know she's trying to be more 'dominant' and for that I am thankful.
      Should you want a copy of my pledge - which I memorized and say to my wife daily - I'd be happy to send it to you. It may help your husband come up with something of his own. Just send me an email (upper right of this page).

      Hope you will stop by again. Thanks!

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    2. I’m Hers
      After reading your post I wanted to chime in and say that my wife lets some things go too. It’s not necessarily that I’m not owned but the fact is that I’m not perfect and not micromanaged. My wife and I both have the opinion that our marriage is supposed to have some level of fun to it. Even my occasional lamenting about a request she had made or about orgasm denial results in some amusing conversations. Sometimes they are golden in that they are reminders that she’s in charge. My wife doesn’t get too annoyed. Since we began our marriage arrangement we’ve been far closer and intimate that we had been in years leading up to it, so it was a good change. My wife is right up in my face for plenty, but not everything. Sometimes I act up a bit or forget things, but if it’s something serious or happens repeatedly then there’s potentially consequences that I would prefer to avoid. She can show leniency on some things and I still feel owned and submissive.
      FL

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  2. FL, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree with the thought of not being micromanaged or her being overly dominant. But you said this, and what you said is what has been missing from our relationship:

    "but if it’s something serious or happens repeatedly then there’s potentially consequences that I would prefer to avoid."

    If I knew she was willing to go there it would be another story completely and that is my hope. I pledged my submission once more today beginning with "I want to belong to you" and once again she interrupted me and told me I did. Maybe I'm just looking to see her rage reveal itself on me in some way or at least know it is a possibility.

    Maybe I'm just off my rocker :)

    Thanks for sharing. Always appreciate what you have to say.

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