Sunday, September 16, 2018
Getting All Requires Demanding All
I think most of the mild to moderate dominant women in the world want enough of their husbands in order to feel their love, their attention, and their appreciation but I don’t believe they take the time to ponder how their husbands' mind work and how they can make that mind work to their benefit. They fail to realize that if they only assumed a more controlling/dominant/demanding posture, they would ironically meet so many of their husbands' submissive needs. By being that woman, they would draw out his love, allow him to be more affectionate, and gain his attention and heart in ways that might surprise her. In other words, by being more demanding she can get exactly what she wants. She’d get the love and attention and devotion she craves. But to get her needs met, she’ll need to act in a way that is outside of her comfort zone. She'll have to actually become the dominant wife she believes in her heart she is (but really isn't).
Does that make sense? Does it make sense that by being more of who she really says she is, but who she doesn't want to self-associate (e.g., the demanding wife), she will get to experience more of that 'good him' and eventually see less of that 'just ok’ side of him. She'll be able to relish in his doting love (that is hidden inside) and see less of that quiet, closed, aloof man that fails to open his heart the way she wishes. She'll have a husband who wishes to express his love, wishes to spend time with her, wishes to open up about his day and wishes to go above and beyond in his efforts to please.
But to experience that, she'll have to exert some effort. The question is: How much effort? Personally I don't think it takes much. Yes, it will probably require a little more for a few months but then most likely just a little. She'll need to reframe his worldview on who is most important. She'll have to make sure he understands if he doesn't step up his game, there will be a price to pay. She'll have to exert more control She'll have to pay attention to what he is and isn't doing and respond appropriately. She'll have to have the strength to tell him, "because you didn't do this, I'm taking this privilege away from you for a few days," and let him deal with the consequences of his inattentiveness.
I know If I were that woman, I think I'd think long and hard about the possibility of getting even more good out of the man I love most.
What women like Katie and other mild-dominants fail to recognize is that if they would only address their submissive-husband more firmly they would gain so much more. But in order to reap the benefits there needs to be a change in mindset. (The mindset would need to be or along the lines of actually embracing the fact that, he belongs to me; that, I deserve this; that, this is what he wants, that, how dare he think he can do less when I know he has the ability to do more; that, I can't believe he would give me less than his very best, and finally, that, I'm going to have to punish him so this doesn't happen again). You see, by creating distinct and real boundaries that he can see (like deadlines, chore lists, charts, time limits, etc.) and by having the guts to render a consequence when he chooses to disobey or not complete what you expect you not only teach him to not repeat the behavior, you SPEAK his love language in ways nothing else can. It's an ironic twist that strictness can be an expression of love but I know firsthand it absolutely is.
Earlier today I was reading through some notes I had formerly jotted down on this topic. Katie happened to be in the room and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was thinking about a post and then read her what I had written down. It was this: "if she doesn’t ever really take me she won’t ever really have me."
Her comment, which I assume was in defense of her belief that she really does own all of me was, "well I told you what things I want you to do today", She said this (with the belief that) if she merely told me what I was to do it would be enough. Inwardly I shook my head. That is our issue right there. How many times have we discussed it’s not JUST about her telling me what to do. It’s making sure that what she tells to do gets done and gets done on her time schedule. It's not about telling me to do these 10 things but rather telling me she wants these things done and me knowing that if I don't get her list complete there will be consequences rendered.). That's what ownership looks like. As it is, if I don't get this and this done today, it's no big deal. And it's not that I typically ignore her but rather know that if I don't get to it, it's OK with her. If she owned me. If she had the fortitude to render consequences, I think I would at least plead my case if I couldn't get something finished.
"Katie, can I work on this tomorrow. It's taking me longer than expected." Knowing she expects something and realizing I can't meet that expectation would force me to come to her (that's submission). It would cause me to ask for time (that's dependent submission). She would then have to deal with my plea (that's putting her into a position of power). She would have the option of granting me more time (about which I would be grateful). She would have the option to say no, get this done now (that's expressing dominance). She has the power to bargain: "OK, but I want this done by tomorrow evening as well" (that's expressing dominance and reminding me who owns who.
And if I chose not to complete the task she can render a consequence to negatively reinforce poor behavior.
All that sounds like a lot of work on her part but it really requires very little effort. Less we forget, the work required is not what is important. What is important is the desired change. What isn’t as important is whatever inconvenience she (or me) experience while addressing said infraction. It's not about any one single incident but about enhancing our D/s relationship. Dealing with a small brush-fire is never really about the here and now, it's about the overall relationship. It establishes and reinforces roles. It creates a pattern that both soon acknowledge and accept. It reminds both parties of who they are, and in the case of the submissive, it ironically (and this is important) allows her to express 'dominant' love to him. And ladies, if you don't get that you should talk with your husband and better understand how he responds to your tough love. It's that important - at least I believe it is.
As for me personally, it’s not that I want to disobey. I don’t. But I am sometimes lazy and I am sometimes forgetful, and I am sometimes selfish and I do put my needs ahead of hers at times. And all of that sometimes gets in the way of me serving her. All are expressions of my independence rather than expressions of expected dependence. I find a lack of oversight (on her part) to be frustrating and that frustration reveals itself by me NOT wanting to go over and above. And every time I behave this manner, there is no consequence - and that lack of consequence is a reinforcer. It's a reinforcer that verifies it is OK to behave this way. It is OK to put me before she. It encourages me to act this way again. And it is this behavior that stifles the love, attention, devotion and even husbandly worship she most cherishes.
For example, the other day we were about to leave the house. Katie is a stickler for leaving on a set time: 11 AM, 12:45 PM, etc. In this instance she wanted to leave by noon and she let me know, "We're leaving in 12 minutes," she told me at 11:48. And, as if on cue, she left the house at 11:59 AM and got into her car. I was about to follow but noticed there were dishes in the sink that need to be rinsed and put in the dishwasher. I knew she was out there but rather than leaving the dishes and hurrying out to open the car door for her as I knew I should, I decided to clean the dishes. It took a few minutes of work and I remember thinking," it won't matter that I keep her waiting". And so I did what I wanted (rather than what she wanted and did so without consequence). Now Katie didn't know of my poor attitude but she was aware I didn't drop everything to leave when she exited the house. She knew I wasn't there to open her car door. She knew I was inside doing who knows what while she impatiently waited for me to appear. There were quite a few indicators that I didn't measure up to her standard. I put my desires above hers. And what was the lesson learned? Because there was absolutely no consequence, I learned that it was OK to put my needs before hers again.
Because she doesn’t render a consequence for me being late; because she is OK with me not organizing her vitamins for the upcoming week when she wants; because I'm not held accountable whenever I don't vacuum the floor on a Monday, Wednesday and Friday as she told me to do, I am permitted to live my life as her semi-submissive and semi-selfish husband. And to be honest I don't like being a semi-submissive. I want to be hers. I want to know I am hers. I want to feel her ownership. I hate being a honey-do guy who simply does chores to do chores. Submission isn't about chores. It's about knowing I'm owned. It's about being kept on the straight and narrow. It's about obeying her with the little things in order for her to know I will obey when it really matters. It's about her being willing to change my mindset from a 'me-first' thinking pattern to a 'her-first' way of looking at life. It's about her living as the queen in our home and expecting queen-like service.
Sadly, I am a husband that is kind-of a submissive but fully so. It's not the best place for a submissive to be. Hanging out in limbo-land does not fill my heart with feelings of love from my dominant wife. But I can't make myself owned. Until she decides to make owning me a higher priority than what it currently is, she will never get my very best - at least not consistently. She knows what my best looks like. She's seen it and felt it. She's also seen the so-so, moody side of me which isn't so desirable. She's had plenty of time to figure out the if/than response when exerting firm leadership and how positively I respond to it. She knows I have a need to be owned, controlled as well as a need to feel her dominance. She knows how much love I have to give. She knows there is this side of me that wants to worship, wants to kneel before her, wants to kiss her feet, wants to dote all over her and let her know without question, just how much I love her.
Because I know she loves the owned me, I don't understand why she won't really take all of me and do what it takes to make that happen - which is to step up her game and render consequences.
To do so, would mean not only saying thank you for something I've done well, but 'punishing' when I don't. Is trying this way of leading such a scary thought? Is experimenting with rendering consequences so fearful that it petrifies her to say "you’re not watching a football game this weekend because you didn’t do this and this and this like I told you". I mean is standing up to me and putting me in my place so bad? Is it so bad for her to say to me, "you’re staying locked tonight and tomorrow night because you didn’t get out of bed when I told you to get up and go make my coffee." I mean we’re not talking about me spending three months in prison. We’re talking about her training me like she said she would. We're talking about her reminding me I am to live in service to her. We're talking about her making it quite clear whenever I crossed a line I wasn't to cross that it will not be tolerated. We're talking about her addressing a specific behavior to limit its recurrence in the hope that by doing so, it will be less likely to happen again. We're talking about her expressing dominant-love in a way I crave. It's about me understanding that my list of chores isn't just a honey-do list, but rather, an expression of my submissive service to the woman I look up to with each and every chore I complete. It's about her demanding obedience and not tolerating semi-compliance.
I keep waiting for her to become this woman. I keep waiting for her to reinforce day after day we are not equals. I keep waiting for her to come to understand that by being demanding, it will push me to do better. It will cause me to love and respect her all the more.
I'll say this once again: If she isn't willing to truly take all of me as her own, she won't ever really own all of me.
Can I be any clearer? Can others identify? Love to hear your thoughts. Love to have Katie change how she handles me when I don't do all she requires.