Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Help Wanted

I received an email from a woman. I love when women involve themselves in a female-led-relationship and lead actively. She wrote, as you can read below, asking for advice. I’m sure she would appreciate candid responses. There may be a solution to this but then again, there may not. Thanks to all for reading and taking the time to respond.

I'm Hers

"I would love your advice on a problem we’re having. I am also fine with you writing about this and soliciting feedback from your readers. It’s a challenge to find answers on the internet about this because there’s an overwhelming amount of advertising and kink associated with it. I just want some solutions from people like us who practice denial."

"So my question is this, how do you have intercourse without having a ruined orgasm or orgasm?"

"This was never a problem before denial, he could last a reasonable amount of time. Now that he is denied, there’s a 50/50 chance he’s going to have an accident as soon as he enters me. Now, this isn’t necessary for us to have a great sex life but it sure would be nice! The worst is that it makes him feel like a failure."

"He wants so much to please me and he feels like a complete disappointment when this happens. We have experimented with ruined orgasms to help him last but there really seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. Last year, he had 6 orgasms and 25 ruined. The year before, it was 4 orgasms and 55 ruined. I’ve also tried various forms punishment as a means of discouraging him ejaculating. I saw no improvement. What his body is doing really seems to be out of his control."

"In a perfect world, he doesn’t want to have any ruined orgasms. Prior to denial, our routine was that I would orgasm with him inside me. That’s never possible now. Now just entering me puts him over the edge. Would love advice from you and your readers."

I'm sure this mistress-wife would love to hear from you if you have possible solutions to suggest. Thank you.


  1. Perhaps you should just have him pleasure you with his mouth only. Then you can decide when he can orgasm.

  2. Cock sleeve.
    Multiple condoms (enough to mute sensation).
    Numbing cream.
    Make him have a ruined orgasm before intercourse.
    Strap on (i.e. he fucks you with not-his-cock)
    Toys (though I guess your objective is to have *him* fuck you).

    Hope that helps :).


  3. If you are seeking direct P-in-V contact with no barrier, and with extended orgasm control required, you have more or less created an artificial premature ejaculation situation. Ways to train/control that condition may apply here as well and there is probably useful information out there. There are some FLR blogs where the man is required to do just that and there are discussions present. This is a point of discussion in the current Her Wish - My Command blog. Another possibility is if the man is uncircumcised. One of the benefits (?) of circumcision is that the pleasure transmission is lowered compared to uncircumcised and allows a man to last longer. Adult circumcision is possible, but I have no knowledge of that. The other possibility is that at times that the man is allowed a full orgasm, this would be then a good time to continue, but presumably that would not be often. Midshipman173

  4. This is a natural side effect of being kept in a state of high sexual arousal, and there isn't much that can be done to completely solve it. There are a lot of advantages to orgasm denial, but this is one of the big drawbacks. In fairness, this is a problem that occurs even without intentional denial, just due to a man being strongly stimulated by a partner he really enjoys. So it's a somewhat flattering problem for a woman to have, I think!

    Things that seem to have helped me over the years:

    1. Have one orgasm the night before (and just accept that it will be premature), and then have sex again the following morning. This usually results in lower sensitivity.

    2. Make sure that you are right on the brink of orgasm (using whatever foreplay or oral stimulation you prefer), before beginning penetration. This is what my wife has always done.

    3. If I were to recommend a sex toy as a solution, I would propose an extender rather than a strap on. That feels a little closer to real sex.

    4. I don't have a lot of experience with erectile dysfunction drugs, but my impression from conversations is that they also allow an erection to be sustained for a little longer after orgasm. That might allow you to finish by having him continue even after he's done, even if he can't have actual multiple orgasms.

    My wife seems to have mostly decided that she enjoys oral orgasms enough that she doesn't feel overly deprived by the lack of penetrative sex. So that amounts to another sort of solution, although perhaps not the right one for you.

  5. Oh, one final piece of advice. Make sure to experiment with other positions. I tend to do worst in traditional missionary position. I last a lot longer when my wife is on top (so I can't move my hips), or when I'm entering from behind with my wife in a very open stance (so everything is less tight and more relaxed). I suspect this varies widely from person to person, but it's the first thing I'd try if you haven't already.

  6. We had a similar problem at the start of our experiment. It's not fully fixed but we found that using a desensitising cream along with a condom helped.
    Our issue was and remains that She likes nothing more than climbing on top and enjoying deep PiV and as I have been teased and denied for almost a week I'm as highly strung as a teenager on a first date!! Lol.
    Use the cream, apply condom and go for it. just remember to fully clean the cream off before climbing back on to finish him off.

  7. I'm going to write about this in more depth on my bog, but realistically you can't expect a denied man to be able to perform that well when it comes to PIV sex. Having him on the bottom should definitely help as once we guys start thrusting into you it's nigh on game over... so having you control the pace will help a lot. I've never tried numbing creams or anything like that to be honest, I am already numb quite a lot of the time so I don't want any of that, but judging by the difficulty I have edging sometimes that might help, but then of course you need to use a condom to stop you getting numb. Though I'm sure I read in the past where someone (Harry Haversacker maybe?) wrote how his wife used the numbing cream on him and then once it had taken effect she thoroughly washed it off. As I say, I've never used it but I can't help wondering how easy it would be to stay hard if you were completely numb?

  8. The arousal comes from the fact that you are in a position to let your wife/mistress to enjoy herself on a very hard member with much less chance of an ‘accident’. And really there isn’t much more arousing than that!!!

  9. I had to think for a couple of days before commenting on this one. The way we eventually handled this issue was that we make use of the Wand vibrator, a very good quality vixskin dildo, and my tongue. With me remaining under lock and key, and using the aforementioned items, I insure she has numerous orgasms until she is satisfied. Only then am I unlocked and we make love in the traditional sense. It may result in an ejaculation for me or not. Sometimes she has had enough and just wants to cuddle. Other times we will get in the shower together with me unlocked and I am lucky enough to get some edging or an ejaculation. I just never know. The bottom line is that she insures that she has her orgasms before mine are even considered.

  10. This is such a difficult subject and touches on painful memories for me. We tried everything with little success. We first tried the psychological approach wherein I made it crystal clear to him that I expect him to control his orgasm until I was satisfied and was quite vocal in my disappointment when he failed me. We tried numbing cream which often resulted in him going soft at the worst possible time. We tried ruined orgasms but honestly that was so hit and miss as to be a poor solution. We even tried different positions which occasionally offered success.

    We finally realized that we were swimming against the tide. P in V contact is never really been my thing, much preferring oral, but every once in a while a girl just wants to go for a ride. Our best solution has been to get me as stimulated and close as possible before he lays on his back and I hop on. If he has an orgasm before I am done I can always just scooch up and finish using the bridge of his nose to stimulate me over the edge. I hope this is not too graphic, I am just trying to help our dear lady in need.

    1. Wow Katie your husband has got to be one overwhelmed but happy man.

  11. I’m afraid I can’t do much but empathize. 18 months into this we haven’t found a solution either. My wife only reliably orgasms from P in V and really isn’t interested in much else. I can last a minute or so, but her coming is a huge trigger for me, so as soon as she starts, I wind up having to stop to avoid an accident, which makes me very unpopular. I would love to make her come through oral, but have only managed on rare occasions and she really only tolerates it as a reward when I’ve been good.

    One thing that has helped a little for us is that I am no longer allowed to orgasm from P in V. I’m permitted to come every three weeks if well behaved, but only through alternative means. The real thing is only for her pleasure. This made the difference between a very brief period and a minute or so, though unfortunately thats typically still not enough. I think it’s sort of a dissociation that works up to a point. I’m trying other mental means to get better, but no luck so far.

    She’s also not into using toys (on her), but if you are, I’d suggest trying it out. If your man is anything like me, he’s probably willing to try just about anything now.

    As a side note, the only other way she comes is from running water in the bath. She occasionally lets me watch and once in a while hop in and support her. At first this was pretty bruising to the ego as I wasn’t actually involved in the pleasuring, but I realized that didn’t make much sense in the context of our relationship, so I got over it.

    Happily Oppressed

  12. From one wife to another, you must know what sexually turns him on, pictures, kinky things, think, it should help. My husband had the same problem, it took sometime but learned he was sexually aroused by spankings. He would want to see again any movies or tv shows that had spankings in it, did not happen often, but I surprised him when I told him he was getting a spanking, forgot what for. I enjoyed it, enjoyed when he danced around the room rubbing, I told him to finish undressing and get to the bedroom. It was great, best I have had in sometime. Funny something like a spankings turned him on.

  13. Consider conditioning him to separate orgasm from sex. If you allow him sex frequently but strictly forbid ejaculation, his brain will eventually separate the two. I enjoy PIV and I wasn't willing to give that up despite pursuing a lifestyle of orgasm denial. It took us about three months to get to that point but it is attainable. Now we are able to go for 15-20 minute sessions and he stops himself when he gets overstimulated.

  14. After he's given you plenty of foreplay, have him enter you in the missionary position, but only slightly. You have already told him he is not to thrust. When you are ready, have him enter you more deeply. Again, no thrusting. Stimulate yourself manually. Have him repeat--withdraw, almost; wait; then enter. He has to understand that his goal is minimal stimulation for himself and that he is not to ejaculate, until after your orgasm, and even then, of course, he has to ask permission. Alternately, he brings you to climate orally and then during your orgasm he enters you with minimal thrusting.

  15. You can practice cuckold! So you can have as many orgasms as you want and keep your submissive husband denied for as long as you want!