Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Our Strongest Need and Strongest Aversion

This week I watched a Dr. Phil program. For those not in the States, Phil is a TV personality/psychologist who gained fame many years ago while on an Oprah Winfrey show. The show is one in which Dr. Phil invites people with various emotional/social issues and together they discuss their past before offering a possible remedy.

I don't remember the context of this particular show but at one point Dr. Phil made the comment that the strongest emotional need a person has is to be accepted. The strongest negative emotion a person can experience is rejection. Katie and I were watching the show together. I said aloud, "Amen!"

How true his assessment. Isn't he so right? There is no better feeling than to be accepted and no worse one than to be rejected.

If you have not been reading the Pizza series (and comments) on Kathy's Femdom 101 blog you really should. There is a thoughtful discussion going on over there. One gentleman commented on a recent post who advocated all who were engaged in female dominance and male submission to reject this lifestyle in lieu of a traditional marriage. Kathy eloquently responded. She acknowledged his position. She provided insightful responses. She did not attack his position.

This discussion made me think of my position. Why did I submit after having lived for so long as a "traditional" male? Have I placed an unnecessary burden on my wife? She told me just yesterday she feels as if she sometimes can't provide for me all I need. (How sad I felt when hearing that).

Rather than divulging my thoughts surrounding Katie's comment I will instead pose a couple questions. How does your spouse reassure you that you are accepted? What do you do to reassure them that you wholeheartedly accept them? We need not forget every relationship is two-way.  It takes effort on both parties. In regard to your FLR, how do the two of you demonstrate your acceptance of one another in your respective roles?

Take time out of your day - even ten minutes. Find a quiet place. Turn off the distractions - TV, radio, cell phone - and contemplate these questions. Let your conscious speak and respond accordingly.

When my wife made the above comment we were at a restaurant having lunch. My response was, "but isn't the effort worth it given how close we are as a couple?" And so I ask you, isn't your effort to accept your spouse in the ways they most need more than worth the effort?

I'm Hers

Saturday, July 13, 2019

Striking a Balance

In an effort to find topics to write about, I've been taking ideas from the recent posts and comments by Kathy at femdom 101. I need to give her credit for the ideas written here.
She recently shared a summary conversation resulting from a series of emails written between her and a woman whose husband wanted to pursue a FLR. The post is part of her "Pizza Story" series.  In the end, their FLR didn't take hold because the husband wanted more than what his wife was willing to accept (and give).  After reading her post I understand why she told her husband 'no more'. I also understand why he felt the need to drop to his knees and thank her for accepting him as 'her slave'. (it was that act that crossed her line and caused her to reject a FLR)

Here at our home, Katie and I were talking about the differences between where her mind spends most of its time compared to where my mind dwells. Because Katie is the one in charge, she lives her life as she sees fit. When her stomach growls, I'm sure it clicks into 'domme gear' for a few seconds - at least long enough for her to tell me, "I'm hungry, make me lunch." Once the command is given, her mind goes back to whatever it had been thinking.  An hour later she might switch back into mistress mode and tell me, "I want to go to the store. Let's go." This time her thoughts will remain in the I'm in charge mindset for a bit longer - at least long enough for me to follow her to the car where I'll find her waiting for me to open the door. Once we're on the road and during the entire time away she reverts back to driving and shopping mode. And so her day goes.

That's not how I think. I don't spend my day mostly thinking about life. I spend a large part of it with Katie on my mind. Once we get up I see the ruffled sheets. "Oh, I need to make the bed" I tell myself. While Katie showers and dresses I wait, knowing I need to wait until she's done. Once more the fact that I belong to her comes to mind. Downstairs I brew coffee, clean the counters, and make her breakfast. With each task, the action becomes about her. "Have I done what she wanted? Is this the way she wants it done? Have I cooked her eggs properly? Did I put the right amount of cream in  her coffee? Are the cabinet doors closed (I am always leaving them open). Did I put everything back in the fridge?" My mind is continually thinking about my wife and ensuring I do my chores properly so as to not get her upset. I continually think what I need to do next. I live my life going where she goes. I do what she tells me. I live not so much doing what I want but rather by fitting my interests in around hers.

In summary, my mind dwells in submissive mode pretty much all day. That's a different mindset than hers, which, for the most part, doesn't think about being dominant most of her day. She only goes 'there', when necessary. She lives and moves and thinks as any woman would(but with the understanding she can revert to mistress-mode anytime her heart desires.

I think through a submissive filter - one acknowledging I have submitted, that whatever I want must first must be approved by her and one that is always attune to conforming my day to revolve around her needs and wants.

Because we spend different amounts of time thinking about WLM thoughts, I believe we approach our marriage with different mindsets. Katie wants to be loved. She wants my attention. She wants my time. Yes, she wants my obedience and yes she makes decisions independent of me (unless she wishes for my opinion - or wants me to decide on her behalf). She expects me to respond to whatever she wants done. But generally she doesn't spend her day thinking 'how can I be dominant' or 'how can I remind him he belongs to me and me alone'.

That is so different than the average submissive husband. Because I live a submissive life I have submissive thoughts all the time. As a result I have been trained respond to her control. I have a need to be controlled. I hope to see my wife living the confident independent life a dominant woman deserves to live - and one she has always dreamed. I wish to be reminded of the WLM we share. I wish for her to verbalize what we have - especially that I belong to her.

In many ways I am like the husband in Kathy's pizza story and in many ways Katie is like the wife who corresponded with her - the one who rejected a FLR. We come to the table with different expectations. Having lived as Katie's for so many years I understand that for as much as I have wants and wishes, ultimately what from that list becomes reality is dependent on her comfort level. Nothing happens if she doesn't agree to it.

I walk a delicate balance. All of my hopes haven't become reality. At times that has been frustrating's also an opportunity for me to live the life I say I want to live. A life centered on her happiness.

Submission isn't always easy. For as much as I love feeling her control while leading our marriage, having to be told 'no' isn't fun. Accepting her 'no' however, puts submission into action. It allows me to live out the line in my pledge, "I will never challenge your authority as the head of our home but I will support you and your decisions....."

The pizza story in Kathy's post is one in which the husband in her story stepped over the line of what his wife was willing to accept as his dominant. Had he not expressed his feelings quite so strongly, they still might have some semblance of a WLM. As it ended, they have none.  Like that husband, I too don't get all I want but that's ok. It's helpful for me to keep what we have in perspective for I can't even imagine being in that husbands shoes and having Katie tell me, "Whatever female led relationship we had is over - done - no more. Don't you ever act like you have been again. Not ever! Do you hear me?" That would be gutwrenchingly horrible!

My word of advice to men who are in a relationship with a woman who enjoys even some level of a FLR/WLM: be content with what you have. Don't dwell on what you don't have. Embrace all the good of her leadership and dominance. Know that just because she isn't comfortable doing something now doesn't mean she may not be accepting of it at some future time. Make a choice to serve rather than expect. I think you will find life to be a happier, more joyful and more intimate place for you mind. I also believe you wife will be happier with you and possibly more open to your gentle suggestions as opportunity allows.

I'm Hers

Sunday, July 7, 2019


Hello all, I'm still alive. I still belong to Katie. I am, and always will be Hers. Now, onto what I have to say:

I've read with much interest the last few posts from Kathy at Femdom 101. The second to last posts on the topic of "Wash Day" struck a chord in particular. She spoke rarely she uses punishment to keep her husband in check but relies almost exclusively on positive reinforcement to keep John happy and (willingly) obedient. It's my hope she will expand on that thought at some future time.

On Sunday July 7's post she said, "The question then becomes: is male submission normal or is it a disorder. By giving him the pizza (the positive reward) am I just encouraging him to eat more, or am I giving him the food for life that his spirit needs." (parenthesis words are mine)

Now I'm sure she already knows the answer and in many ways her question is rhetorical in nature. Of course she is. But regardless, it's a good one to ask and I'm sure it's an especially good question for women new to female-led-relationships to ponder and conclusively resolve.

Men like myself and those that can identify with blogs such as this or Kathy's all have unique needs. But common to all is the need to be recognized; to be affirmed; to be told in a thousand different ways: "I love having you as my slave (or submissive). I love that you work hard for me. I want you to feel safe and secure in the arms of your dominant wife and I want you to know that I value you as my most treasured possession, that I truly appreciate all you do for me. I want you to know I will do my best to remind you of how well you do (as well as when you fall short) and will always expect your attention and effort and obedience - because..... you are mine!"

In short, submissive men need affirmation. Yes, that affirmation can come from being punished. When someone is punished there is the unspoken (as well as spoken reminder) of the power differential between the two persons. However, that affirmation can come in the form of spoken words of appreciation for a job well done and the reminder that the reason why he was told to do "x" is because he is her sub/slave.

If there is a critical point to be discerned it is this. Submissive men need to be affirmed. They need to be affirmed not just for completing a job as she wanted it done but to also affirm him as her submissive or that she is the one in charge. "Thank you my sub for making my car shine. I love that you work so hard for me." "Mmm, breakfast looks delicious, what woman wouldn't want to own a sub like you? (with a wink and smile added just to emphasize her delight.)

Not many men will work for a few hours in every day, just to make life easier for their spouse. (they probably should but they don't). However, submissive men will. They will work, continuously if told, and find reward in the work itself IF affirmation of them as submissive to their dominant is given often. Therein lies the subtle difference between a man being the honey-do-husband who does things because his wife wants something done and the submissive-husband who does chores because he is owned. The difference being, the latter man is reminded of his position periodically, if not often.

If a spouse of a submissive man is able to see this difference and apply the appropriate rewards (according to what types of needs her man has), not only will she benefit as a result of his efforts on her behalf, but she will benefit because of where she keeps his mind. I can pretty much guarantee that the few words of dominant-encouragement will be played in his mind a hundred times over before he falls asleep that night. Words are powerful. Putting him on his knees is powerful. Using words and physical positions of authority while you speak to him will give him the very thing he needs - the need to be affirmed and recognized as the submissive man who belongs to his wife. Words convey who is in charge and who isn't. What a beautiful thing this can be in a healthy loving relationship.

A simple command while watching TV such as, "my sub, sit on the floor and massage my feet while we watch TV" or after having told him to rub her back before falling asleep she says, "Mmm, I love having a sub that will obey me without question. I love you." Words such as these will pay dividends of untold value to both.

Enjoy your week.

I'm Hers